Everyone Has a Story

The Telling of Christmas

2011-12-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

The beginning of the goodness began with the coming of the Smallcomb. She flew out the Thursday before the week of Christmas...I’m going to stop making this as wordy as possible now. Right. Good. So Smalls came, and we played and frolicked with Jess and had such a jolly time. Whilst eating delicious Chinese food (vegan!) in Provo, we randomly ran into Pips, Coxi, and co., and promptly arranged a Sunday dinner to catch up with them. That was a lovely Christmas miracle. I love them.

We also watched ice skaters skating (it was much too cold to skate ourselves), walked through the Gil-Gal Garden (a must for any Salt Lake visitor), and checked out the Dickens Village, a somewhat disappointing marketing trick to get us to pay to shop. But at least there was wassail!

Then Smalls left, on a cold, sad, dismal day, but at least there was peppermint hot chocolate!

And then, three days later, I was picking up my brother Shawn who had flown in from California, and we caravanned up to Idaho with Chris to bring he whole family together again.

And there was much rejoicing.

We spent the first day last minute shopping. Everyone was very excited and involved. My mom cooked a delicious dinner. Then the grandparents, an Uncle, and a cousin came over for dinner, one of the funnest family dinners we’ve had in a long time. At least at the kids table.

Saturday the fam went snowboarding/skiing at Beaver, a wonderful resort that had more snow than Snowbird at this sorry time of year. Wait, what? It’s a sorry time for snow, that is. Not much snow. but Beaver was delightful. And tiring.

We had leftover turkey (or tofurkey!) sandwhiches on the drive back that were amazing. Then, while waiting to take a shower (5 people and one shower takes a bit of time), I tried to make some fudge. Let me tell you, I’ve never struggled so much to make a candy as I did this year. My first attempt at fudge-grandma’s old fashioned fudge-resulted in failure. A fudge so hard it couldn’t even be jack-hammered off the plate I put it on, with the few chocolate flakes we managed to scrape off bringing a strange burnt flavor that just wasn’t quite fitting. So I was bound and determined that this second, easier fudge recipe would not get the better of me.

But boy did it. In a huge way. This recipe called for a double broiler, something we surprisingly do not have. But two pots we had, so away I went, boiling water, then placing the second pot on top to melt the cocoa and sugar all together into a delicious, creamy, smooth mixture that suddenly-BOOM! exploded in my face. Hot water all over my chin and hands, not to mention the kitchen wall and floor. Chocolate splatches also spattered my clothes, the floor, and the kitchen counters. this was perhaps the most disastrous baking incident since the glass pan exploded from sitting on the burner, nearly 10 years ago!

To make a short story long, no good fudge this year. Very disappointing.

But after the shower David showed up and that was not disappointing at all. He got there just in time for the opening of presents, which we did early because Chris had to leave the next day. I don’t know what I did right this year, but I was sure spoiled by Santa, and everyone else! My brothers gave me their old XBox 360, and Rock Band 3. And Shawn’s old guitar and drum set. I love that my brothers treat themselves to much more than I do, and then get tired of their treats. Fantastic.

My parents gave me a TV. A new one, that doesn’t need a digital converter to get TV. A flat screen. It’s actually kind of fun to join the new century.

David competely fooled, and kind of annoyed me, by giving me a scooter cover. It’s a lovely present, but he made it appear as though that was all he got me, which honestly was all I was expecting. But then, after everything else, he brings in this other huge box, with snoopy wrapping, that contained a record player/CD player/tape player/ radio. Old fashioned but with all the cool gismos. And of course, a record to play, since I don’t have any. My mom sure had fun going through all her old record though, and finding a Christmas one to play.

It was so nice. What a nice boy. What a nice Christmas. I haven’t even started playing with all my toys yet, as coming back to work and life have taken something of a toll on me. But I am very excited. And content.

Now to get ready for next year!!!

The Prelude to Christmas

2011-12-30T14:32:00.001-07:00

And now, after a 7 month break, I am back on my blog to tell you about Christmas. It was fantastic. I don’t want to write about it because that makes it seem over and done with, and I’m still under the impression we are at the height of Christmas season. I do want to write about it though, because it was great and happy and more I just miss writing on here.

To explain my absence, I did not stop writing because I had nothing to write about. In fact, the last six months have brought about some of the hugest changes my life has seen in quite some time. But those changes, including gaining-to some extent-a life, have hindered my ability to spew my thoughts on the internet for you poor innocent victims to read.

The first change = the coming of David. My boyfriend.

Gasp everyone, it’s true. I have a boyfriend. I met him on a scooter ride to Antelope Island, and he has taken much of my time since then.

The second change = homeless! Yes folks, once again I was homeless for a time, which was severely detrimental to my comfortable, laze about at home and write on my blog time. It was actually a pretty horrid time, where I discovered once again the absolute joy of having a place to call home, to sit and relax, to take a shower, and to keep all of your things together and in an organized fashion. Homeless was my decision, but my car breaking down for the entire two month duration was not, and let me tell you, homeless on a scoot is not fun. But times have changed and improved, which leads to change 3

Change 3 = my new apartment! My very own, all to myself apartment. In Salt Lake City! I love it. It’s downtown, in a historic apartment building, with glass doors leading into my kitchen, old school leaded glass windows and cabinet doors, original tile in the kitchen and bathroom, just adorable. All to myself. AND, my kitties...

Changes 4 and 5 = Charles Darwin Jr. Jr. Finn and Captain Lewis Robert Hobbes (Bob Hobbes. Just say it, it’s phenomenal). The best, most adorable kittens ever. My little terrors and my little loves.

However, I don’t have internet in this most wonderful of apartments. So to get on the internet, I have to either go to the coffee shop on the corner (where I feel the need to buy something in order to sit there and use their internet, and I’m poor!) or the library, a wonderful building but quite overwhelming and time consuming. so I just stay off the internet mostly. But I’ve missed reading about everyone’s life, and sharing mine, so here I sit, writing a blog to save on my computer until I can get to an internet source and upload. Whoa is me. Hahaha! I couldn’t remember how to spell the woe here, but I like the other version :)
Anyhoo, the only other changes are the extreme haircut, and the more extreme haircut.

And tonight the new car! Well, the new, used car. If it actually pans out, that will be my next blog.

Okay, are we all caught up? Then maybe I can move on to Christmas.

Goals?

2011-05-11T19:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, so remember how sometimes I get really ambitious and make all these goals and plans to improve myself?

Well, the coming of Spring has rejuvenated me, and I feel inspired to improve myself once again, or work towards something, or, at the very least, make some more ridiculous names for the week that sync with my desires for improvement. So here's what I've come up with so far.

Monday:
Tuesday Tummy Day (work the abs)
Wednesday Weight Day (use weights. probably the focus will be the arms)
Thursday Thigh Day (not sure if this is soley thighs or incorporating butt. Gotta see if butt fits in elsewhere)
Friday:
Saturday

That's all I've come up with. I wanted to just start doing little exercises everyday to get this ol' bod beach worthy (I know, starting a bit late, but better late than never, right?), so I just need a day for abs, arms, butt, that's all I can think of really. So are the other days freebies? Monday Moon day? hmmm, a work in progress. suggestions appreciated.

Also, there is this silly idea that I'm running another half marathon in a month. The thing is, when I don't have a race planned, I make all these running goals and plans to get faster and endure and be an amazing runner. and then somehow when I do have a run planned, I get sick and feel tired and never train, maybe so as to have an excuse to do poorly? I don't know, I just know I haven't run since my last half marathon, so i feel this bear lake one may kick my butt worse than the first. We'll see.

Also, I'm planning on a week of only fresh stuff, veggies, fruits, maybe rice cause I feel I will need something more. Felt like I needed some intense cleansing before my birthday.

On that note, I'm working to make this birthday one of the best ever. I don't usually make a deal about my birthday, but maybe the fear of a breakdown next year (30!!!) has made me cautious to enjoy this last one before that happens. So not that the fresh diet will make me love my life, but the rewards after will.

Any ideas for a fabulous birthday? I actually took a week off and I'm stoked. I want some form of camping. I want sees candy (thanks julie for already getting me wonderfulness in this area), I may want to go paragliding at point of the mountain, I want to do a backflip to prove to myself I still can, I want some feast with my parents, not sure the kind of cake, ice cream, maybe a jam session with Jo and the Gilchrist crew? hmmm. Oh and I want flowers.

So right. goals. I'm on it.

Love

2011-04-04T21:45:00.000-06:00

Meet Craig and Connie Minowa. They are in the band Cloud Cult, which I love. Actually, Craig is Cloud Cult, though the rest of the band make it the incredibly special thing that it is.

What I love is the absolute love they seem to have for each other. Granted, Craig could just be another typical musician/artist romantic, and usually that kind of bugs me and seems overly dramatic and whatnot for my jaded little heart. But deep down, I am one sappy, hopeless romantic, and if I'm ever going to have a romance, it sure better be like this one.

I don't really know about their relationship. I know how Craig feels by his music. He is in love with this woman. But just look at this picture. What I love is the comfort. The honesty, the relaxed, here-we-are-enjoying-each-other look. I guess I just don't know how to get to this stage with people, because it seems like everyone I meet has this persona to present, and so do I, and no one can just be themselves and kick it on a couch. They're all worrying what others think, or at least thinking about what others think, and I don't know but this picture and the love it represents just makes me think of safety and comfort and just what I want. Somehow seeing Craig and Cloud Cult somehow also gives me hope that I will find this. I don't know why, but there's such a positive life-affirming-ness to these guys, it gives me hope.

Hope, may I point out, that I did not feel listening to Conference. I will say no more, just saying there's a stark contrast there.

Anyway, that's all. I'd really like to be in love. But I'd like it to come from honesty, openness, trust, mutual love and respect. I am so dishonest with everyone that seems unlikely, but still, I will look at this picture and hope.

Remember When

2011-03-23T21:46:00.000-06:00

I couldn't sleep the other night, and I wrote that really silly blog because my mind needed something to do other than try to sleep?

That was a sad day.

Today is much better. Lets look at the facts.

This morning was really cold, but then the sun came out and the weather was beautiful, and I walked around in short sleeve shirts...nope, just the one. I just had on one short sleeve shirt. I wore it well though.

Anyway, I mean to say it was lovely. Then there's the blessed reality that my eyelids are drooping as I type, though it's only 9:25 PM, which bodes well for a blissful night of rest soon to follow.

Also the delightful temperatures today forced me outside for a run I thought I was too tired to do, but instead I thoroughly enjoyed.

RUN?! you ask. Why yes, run. Even though I just ran 13.1 miles on Saturday, my thirst for running was not satiated and I have gone twice since then. Monday I just ran on the track because it was cold out, and I wanted to work on speed a little. I only went 3 miles, but two of them were barefoot.

Let me break here to tell you that this barefoot phenomena craze is, in fact, phenomenal. I read Born to Run while down in Moab, and other than having me now planning 100 mile ultra marathons in my future (yeah right, but then...maybe), it also told me things I already suspected about running without shoes. It all started when a co-worker showed up in those ridiculous five fingered vibrams or whatever. The silliest looking shoes I've ever seen, but after discussing them with him, I have begun to see them more and more on all kinds of people. I didn't know much about the idea though, the philosophy behind it, just that some people thought it was better for you to run without your shoes.

Then, one day very early into my training for this half marathon...(so early, in fact, you might well consider that I wasn't actually training but simply attempting to move my slug-like body around a track a few times), I was having a ridiculously hard time and began to hurt everywhere. I think I'd gone a whopping total of 1 mile, when my body just started to shut down. I couldn't breathe, my knee hurt, my hip hurt, this other weird thing on my front ankle hurt, I was, in effect, falling apart. But no! I couldn't stop at ONE MILE! It was preposterous. So I hearkened back to my previous encounter with Mr. Vibram, the 5-toed, and decided to give it a whirl. I kicked off my shoes and went sailing around that track and voila! all my pain and injuries were history.

It was a miracle. And it has been in the back of my brain for awhile now. So reading Born to Run, I obviously related to what it said, and believed it when it stated that we are cushioning our feet into little comas, which result in running injury after injury every year, despite paying hundreds of dollars for these high-tech shoes.

Okay, why did I go on that tangent? I don't remember, and I'm not going to backtrack to figure out the grammatically correct way to continue. I'm just going to wow you all by stating that the first time I went running after my half marathon was Monday. I wanted to take it easy, so I went to the track and I ran a mile in shoes to warm up, then "kicked off my running shoes....jeez, louise...blah blah blhah" did you get the song there? I apparently don't know the words. anyway, point being, I felt like a gazelle, like a deer, like I was soaring through the air and my feet were hardly touching down. They were hardly touching down. And I ran that second mile a full minute faster than the first, and it felt magnificent. The last lap I tried to just run, fast as I could, with a sprint at the end that was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was great. So great that I decided to run another mile after that. Tacked on 30 seconds, but some of that might be due to the large blood blisters I got on my toes which are unused to the lack of coma-inducing cushioning.

Anywhoo...running. Ah yes, so then today I went for another run. Because the weather was so nice, I went to my trails. If I am any kind of runner, it would be a trail runner. That is where I come alive, where I don't care about mileage or time, I care about leaping over that bush, or dodging that rock, or watching the two birds just soar and play in the wind, or startling that deer...it's the best ever and I went today even though I was tired and moody and didn't want to. And afterwards, bless you endorphins, I felt amazing. Scooted home with a big smile on my face and hope in my heart. Yes, a good day.

My calves are unbelievably sore, also from the barefoot running I think. Gotta re-train these muscles it seems, but it's well worth it.

Do I have a point to wrap up here? I think not. Just needed to point out how things are much better than that night, with no stress about sleep and no 13 miles to run tomorrow (thought maybe 13 hours to work! Yikes). yeah, that's all really.

oh, I do intend to blog about the half marathon but my mom took most of the pictures and I may never see them again, if things go as they normally do. So hopefully that will come soon. In the meantime, I have a rendezvous with the sandman I don't want to miss. Until next time!

Peace

seriously

2011-03-18T03:41:00.000-06:00

Tis a sorry state I find myself in, this very top o' the morn after St. Patty's Day. Lying on my floor in a sleeping bag, eating pizza and downing a gallon of chocolate milk at three in the morning.

Why, you ask? To keep from being insanely angry at my inability to sleep.

Yes, you guessed it, my mom is here for the night again. We are heading down to Moab manana, so she came down this evening to allow for an earlier departure. Got here about 8:30 and immediately whisked me away to the Gap for some shopping. There is nothing to put me in a fouler mood quicker than a shopping trip with my mom, when I'm tired and overwhelmed and she can't stop talking about how fat she looks and how she HAS to lose weight, etc. But off we went, for the half hour before closing. Then home for a dinner of beans and Taco flavoured TVP (textured vegetable protein). It was delicious and I sold her on the taco stuff. It really tastes like tacos!! Maybe that was too late for me to be eating? Still, no excuse.

We got into bed around 10, and I laid by the light so I could read to put me to sleep, remembering previous nights with my mother and my inability to sleep. But try as I might, I could not get sleepy. Eventually I turned the light off and tried to breathe calmly, to tell myself not to worry, but all I could think about was the magazine article talking about preparing for a race, and how two nights before was actually the critical sleep night, as pre-race night is often filled with jitters. Well, something's jittering me tonight! I don't know if I am wigged out about this race, or just the anticipation of the drive and such tomorrow...something is keeping me up, and I feel like it has something to do with my visitor.

Sadly, i think this weekend is going to be hard. I turn mean when I'm around my mom, apparently. Add my brother, and two very different friends, and you have one very sketchy sounding weekend. I'll start off pulling an all-nighter, cause i dont see sleep coming in the next three hours, add a long drive, my typical family nastiness, then a grueling 13 mile run, and you basically have me exhausted the whole weekend and likely to make everyone hate me. This should be fun.

On the upside, I made green spaghetti for the staff lunch today, and got dougnuts and sugar cookies, and wore green, and bought green chips for the incoming staff. If I don't have kids, at least I have someone I can feed green food to. And my turtle got a freeze-dried fish in with her food. Weird, but she liked it.

Oh, and I ate lucky charms for breakfast. Let me tell you, my plan to eat pure and do yoga and run this whole week, plus chugging tons of water, has failed utterly. I've done none of those things. I am reading Born to Run, which is spectacular and makes me want to run ultramarathons (go 100 miles!), and also makes me feel like I'm a wuss for getting worried about 13 puny little miles, so I'm trying to use that to calm myself down when I get hysterical about not sleeping. But it also makes me wish I had actually trained properly or would be in any way at all ready for this run. Ah well, let the good times roll!

(but seriously, can everyone send me a little good karma saturday morning? I think I need it)

Interconnected

2011-03-13T21:27:00.000-06:00

As humans, we are all connected to each other. Those around us are influenced by us, and we, in turn, are influenced by them. In some ways, I want to celebrate this, applaud the strings that tie us together, and announce that these strings are what make us human. But I also wish we weren't connected, wish my actions did not impact anyone but myself. Because right now I am trying to figure myself out, trying to understand life and how I fit in, and why I have struggled all my life with some things, and as I work on figuring this out, I am doing things that others don't understand or approve of.

You have to understand my perspective. I am 28 years old, almost 29, and there are really very few people who are affected by my life. My roommate has to deal with me when she's sees me, and sometimes is concerned when I don't turn up for a while or leave for a weekend without telling her. People at work are affected if my performance changes in some way. My family is quite detached; my brothers do their own things and pay no mind to my life. My parents are concerned that I don't have a job or direction, which causes them stress, which bothers me and makes me want to cut all ties with them too so they don't have to worry. But there is no one else. No children, no permanent members of my life, just transitory friends who come and go. Their lives can in no way be changed my mine.

Other than example. Yes, we are social creatures, and we change ourselves based on what we see others do. That is regrettable, I suppose, if someone were to do something they otherwise wouldn't because of something they see in me. But I can't take responsibility for that. Even if I were trying to be good, my actions could lead someone to do something....a long chain that only someone omnipotent could unravel and understand. I make no such claims about myself, and can only hope each person take responsibility for his own actions.

I guess my point is, it saddens me that people are worried about me. It saddens me that girls from my relief society would come by for a visit, to chat, to see how I am, to tell me that they miss me, because I haven't been in church, but they don't call me to hang out or do anything other than church. Which means we have a church relationship, and if I no longer go to church, we can't be friends. Things are weird. Things somehow need explaining, because our liking of one another is based on shared beliefs that I no longer share. I really like these girls, and would like to hang out and be friends (except that every time the conversation turns to how we're single, and how all we want is to be married and have kids, and how we're running out of time, and how we need God to perform a miracle to get us married), but there's a weird vibe, a weird, "we must save Shena" vibe that bothers me. And they don't offer, really, because we're church friends.

I have so many other friends, really really good friends, who I want to be in my life for a long time, who mean a whole lot to me, and I'm not implying that the above applies to them. I'm apologizing for worrying you, for disappointing you, for not living up to what I should. I'm thanking you for loving me anyway, and for giving me space. Because of all the things I do, its not about you, its not about anyone else but me, and my struggle, and my attempt to cease being the chameleon I have been my whole life, to stop doing what everyone expects and wants me to, to figure out what I want me to do, and who I want me to be. You, dear friends, are my strength, you give me meaning, you lighten and brighten my life. I am so glad we are interconnected in that way, and I hope I can continue to lift you in some way and help you whenever you need it.

Well this is as surprising to you as it is to me, but I guess I've just been concerned lately and needed to vent this out. The girls stopping by is what triggered it but I've felt some sense of worry about many people, about my desire to be honest with them about what I feel and think and believe, tempered by my ever-existent need to do what is socially appropriate, to say what others want to hear, or at least in my silence allow them to believe I agree with them. I don't want to be two-faced anymore, nor do I want to raise concern. I am fine. :)

Now that's more like it!!

2011-03-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget what a really good powder day will do for you. I am so glad I remembered today.

I did go running yesterday. And it was actually pretty good, except my legs get more tired than they used to by the end. Still, I felt good about it, and it definitely knocked me out into a blissful night's sleep. Also, I talked to Smallcomb, and she always makes me feel better.

Then this morning, I checked the snow report and 7" of new powder awaited me up at sundance. I had no choice but to go, right? Despite really tired legs that only got even more thrashed on the mountain, it was just sublime. I love snowboarding.

On powder. Sometimes I go up there, by myself, and its just boring. That's why I haven't gone much lately, plus the sickliness. But on a powder day, I don't care who I'm with. I may actually prefer being alone, to just soar through the snow like cutting through clouds. I love it. I even love the chop that follows, once all the excited skiiers/boarders get out there and do their damage on the hill. You always have to be on your toes, but with your toe end up! or you'll go down in an instant.

Today an added danger was the massive cloud that rolled in at the top and cut visibility to about 5 feet. It was ghostly and surreal and even more intense, but so fun! That was exactly what I needed to reclaim myself. I am excited again. Cloud Cult was kind enough to musicate my whole time on the mountain (not much, had to work still) and they are always so inspiring. YEEEEEEHAAAAAWWW! lets see what the rest of the day holds :)

Run Run Run

2011-03-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, here's the situation.

In two weeks, I am supposed to run a half marathon. I have never been as apathetic and undedicated about preparing for a race as I have been for this one. The trip to Vegas/getting sick came at the crucial training juncture, and left me almost 100% positive this will not be possible.

I have the option of switching to a 5 mile race, and that will likely happen. But even that requires some training, no? After the illness, my chest was/is still full of nasty mucus yuck that seems to be my particular curse every time I get sick. So even though I did start running last week, it's incredibly hard to breathe and my endurance is crap.

The only option I have at this point is to get running and hope I don't suffer too much. But what am I doing? Sitting on my couch, eating mini-snickers bars, thinking about how tired I am, how wet and cold from reading meters in the rain today, and how all I really want to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep. Or watch a movie while eating really delicious foods. Or cry, really really long and hard because that's what I've been feeling like doing lately.

None of these things will get me ready for my Moab run. I am, by the way, so excited to go to Moab, to get out, to get away. I hope it helps. I went to Cedar City last weekend to see Liz and Sawyer, and the rest of the wonderful family, and it was so nice. They're so great. But the weather turned cold sunday and it was back to hibernation mode for me. (check out Liz's blog Zion for pics, she does a great job picture narrating fun events; I just like to complain :)

Anyhoo, that's really all I have to say. I know it's Wendy's birthday and that should make it the best day in the whole world, and maybe if you were here Wendy, it would be, but since you're not, it's just cold and super rainy and lonely. But remember how I came to you, 6 years ago, and sunny Durres, and we danced with that one family...and started a wonderful time of my mission that meant so much to me. ahh. i guess it is a good day. YOU would go running if you were me. darn it. One more mini-snickers and then I'll think about it.

What Matters

2011-02-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, today I woke up at 3:51, fuzzy from the drugs I took to sleep well last night (alka seltzer cold and such) and wanting nothing more than to curl up in the guest bed of my parents house and go back to sleep. I'd gone home to spend out my confinement with family and pets, and had actually done a fairly decent job at healing myself, or being healed by caring, equally sick parents.

I digress. At that ungodly hour I awoke, and withing ten minutes was on the road for Lehi, where I needed to be to work no later than 7:30. I drove, on the verge of sleep most of the way until the beautiful dawn woke me to a sense of wonder and excitement for this day. Made it to Outback at 7:30 on the dot, got to work, and stayed working until 8 PM tonight. That's 12.5 hours of work, for those who need the math help, after a very early uprisal, and it has left me somewhat groggy and spacey. That and the medicine I took tonight which is putting me to sleep as I type.

All of this is an apology for this post, and how it won't be anything magnanimous. But that's what you're used to, right?

All I wanted to say tonight is:

1). I love Mumford and Sons. Okay, I've only actually heard two songs, but I heard them both on the radio, independently, and wrote down the words to look up who it was because I thoroughly enjoyed them. Then I saw them on a recording of the grammy's, and literally fell in love. I will get more of their music soon, and for the time being I will have all I need to keep me going when life gets tough.

2). I drove home from the field tonight with a coworker who is coming in early because his brother's best friend was found dead this morning. He had been out...ice skating? doing something on a frozen lake in Minnesota when he was hit by a car also out on the ice. The car left him for dead though, and his body was found by snowmobilers the next morning. The staff was sort of in shock as he told me about it, about how devastated his brother would be, about what a great guy this had been and how tragic it was.

It made me think. Death always does. Maybe because it's typically very detached from me, its people i sort of know, or someone I just hear about. I've never lost anyone really really close to me. I can only imagine that grief. But what I imagine makes me really question my life, question my priorities, question my plans, question my fears, and wonder what I can do more. How I can live more, how I can make more of myself, how I can fill the time to lessen regrets when I have no more time here. Because it could have been me, just as much as him. It could always be me. Or you. I don't want to live in fear of dying, but i really don't want to live with fear of living. And I do. Every day of my life.

So it got me thinking, that's all. The staff at first decided he'd stay out in the field, but as it started to sink in what had happened, he decided he needed to come in. One of the therapists summed it up nicely, saying that it's hard to stay and deal with the group's petty problems and fights and shirkings of duty, and see those things as important, when your perspective has shifted like that, when those things really become the petty disagreements that they are, and something so serious and real looms up ahead of you. I took some license with that description, but there it is.

So what petty things are getting in my way? What disagreements, poison everything to me, so i think they actually matter in the grand scheme of things? What do I let rule my life instead of overcoming to create the life I want? How do I create the life I want?

Interesting. That's all. It was an interesting night. Day. minute. Hour. they're all one, really.

Us Mormons

2011-01-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

This poem was written a long time ago. I apologize to the person who wrote it if this offends you. I will delete it if requested. I just stumbled across it the other day and it made me so happy, I had to share it. I believe we were in like, third grade? Something around there? Okay here it is

We believe in the Book of Mormon,

Even do some doormen.

We also believe in the Bible

Yet not all are reliable.

We believe in the pearl of great price,

Even if do not mice.

Also, don't forget the Doctrine & Covenants

We also help the poor,

When they come knocking at our door.

We help the homeless,

Them do we bless.

We get baptized at eight

So doom be not our fate.

Sunday is our Holy day,

When we bless and pray.

Heavenly Father can help in time of need,

And very hard do not we have to plead.

This is how us Mormons do it,

And usually, we stick to it.

With a postscript of:

Shena,

I hope you always like church and stay a mormon.

Thank you so much. This really is touching, and it kind of surprised me. I forgot about the postscript. I love you.

Skiing with the Folks

2011-01-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I was tired of my old posts, but can come up with nothing interesting to write about. So here are two pics of our ski/snowboard trip to Beaver. My mom is astounding and has actually found matching clothes to match her goggles. She bought white goggles with purple paint splotches, and has diligently been searching for coat, skis, pants, etc. to match. That woman is incredible. and adorable.

My dad got new ski pants for Christmas, and while they may seem fairly simple on the outside, they're a disco party on the inside. He hasn't been skiing in years and now he wants to go every week. I love his enthusiasm.

I will put up a picture of the snowboard bag my dad bought me. He was all excited about getting us all bags for our equipment, and I just got it today. It's phenomenal.

Update

2011-01-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

The timing belt on "my" car broke. Sound familiar? This time, given the amount of money just recently dumped into this abomination, we decided to fix it. What's amazing is the length of time it's taken to get to this point. The car sat at work for five days before I could get someone to help me tow it across the street to the shop. It was another two days before I could even get a hold of the shop to find out what was wrong. They are notoriously busy and hard to contact. Once the decision to fix was made and word given, it will be two weeks before I get my car back, hopefully.

Two weeks of the bus. I had planned before on not having a car and just taking the bus. What an absurd notion. Some peope only have the bus; they can't get around any other way. I feel very, very, very sorry for these people. It has been hideous. Missing busses and being late, spending so much extra time riding the bus and walking in the cold; on Tuesday I walked six miles to do my route at Provo because the bus was more out of the way and I didn't want to wait. And Tuesday was cold!!

On top of these frustrations, work has been a pain in the butt and I think I am ready to move on. Weird how it hit, all of a sudden. I was so content there. Too content, really. Complacent, safe, lazy, never going to leave for real. Not now. This experience has been the lead in my soul...there's an expression I'm trying to use here but failing. But you know what I mean? I think there's no turning back and if all goes well, by spring I will be in Alaska making much more and finally leaving my safety net behind.

These last two weeks have not been the uplifting new year I was hoping to have. I've been frustrated and angry and resistant, haven't run or done yoga, or kept any other goals I set. I think its always harder to do things when you have some huge event like New Year's to motivate you. Cause then you let yourself down and it seems so much more intense.

I hope this isn't too negative. I have hope. This year is awesome and things will be great, I can feel it. Things being bad are impetus for change, and that's what I need. Change.A push.

Sidenote: I went snowboarding today with my parents, and it was fun! But I tried to branch off through some trees and had a spill that has left me with a headache. I also tried to ski on my mom's skis, just to remember, and it was fun but also somehow super exhausting. So I'm all tired and achey, but also content now watching the football game at home and relaxing, ignoring the text from Outback that they need my help this weekend, because I just don't want to deal with it. I am a quitter. (Song on its way, as soon as I can throw some ending together)

Thanks all, to whoever is reading this, I feel an overwhelming sense of love and connection with you. Isn't that weird? But there it is. My friends, I am grateful for you. Peace.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2011-01-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a memorable day. It was supposed to be amazing, according to my horoscope. The best day ever! Which is why horoscopes are bad, and lead you to believe things will happen that won't. But anyway.

Here's how I thought my day would look:

6 AM wake up. yoga for an hour
7 AM get ready for work
8 AM Get to work, do some wonderful things until
12PM when I leave work to go snowboarding
4 PM come home after a wonderful day of snowboarding
Relax the rest of the eveing and get ready for two days of long work hours

Right. So here's how my day actually went:

6 AM woke up, after a couple of snoozes, for an hour of yoga
7:30AM got ready for work, including deciding, after a debate, to bring my snowboarding gear. I was tired and sore from a run the previous day (the worst run in the history of my runs), and wondered if I felt like snowboarding. Decided I did so I packed up and headed off to work.
12PM was informed I needed to help with a discharge for about two hours, as well as finish up an inventory I was not prepared for. I began to doubt my snowboarding plans.
2 PM realized snowboarding was not in the stars, but got excited to leave around 3 and go home and relax.
4:30 PM finally left work, disgruntled and saddened to be leaving so late but looking forward to relaxing.
4:25 PM Car suddenly died on the freeway, one exit away from work in American Fork. I coasted off and landed precariously on the exit off ramp, mostly out of everyone's way.
4:35 PM realized I needed a tow, and called the towing company.
4:45 PM realized I didn't have any money with me.
5:00 PM was towed for the first time ever. Cool trucks!
5:15PM back at work, to have my dad pay over the phone for my tow since I'm lame, then grab a work truck to take home
6:15PM arrive at home, lugging my snowboard, snowboarding bag, and laudnry basket up to my door, only to find my key won't unlock the deadbolt.
6:20PM start to panic, feeling like I'm somehow at the wrong house, or there at the wrong time in history and I no longer belong to it. It seriously felt like the lock had been changed.

At this point, I began a downward spiral into frustration, sadness, and disbelief. I called my roommate, she didn't answer. I imagined all sorts of horrible things that could have happened. Got my landlords number from a neighbor and called, also to no avail.

Wandered dejectedly to my stolen outback truck to get some food, when Jess called me back to say she had had no problem with her key and she'd be home soon. Landlady called back and said no changed lock, and wait for Jess to get home. I felt hopeful.

Unfotunatley, Jess' idea of "soon:" and my idea were different. After talking to her, I crouched in despair on the sidewalk for a while, looked at the stars, walked my snowboard out to the lawn and scooted around in tennis shoes for a while, then called Jess again to see where she could possibly be.

6:50PM Jess shows up, only to find her key doesn't work either.

7:00PM landlady calls us back; she never answers her phone on the first go. We tell her the plight and she sends us to on-site managers downstairs.

They aren't home.

7:15PM she calls us back again, says she's sending someone over in 15minutes.
7:45PM we call her back, wondering what's going on, sick of sitting in the hallway. She says she's buying some lubricant and will be by shortly. I dig in to the ice cream I had brought home from work that day to put in my freezer, now quite melted after a three hour delay. But I am starving and destitute in my hallway, panicky about my car and the unknown situation with it and my lack of ability to cross a 6 inch threshold into the warmth and comfort of my house. My feet are also frozen because I was frolicking in the yard with the snowboard.

8:00PM landlady shows up, sprays the lock, tried the key, nothing. She worries and thinks they'll need to come do something more drastic. I get ready for another hour or waiting and then some sort of breakin. (By get ready, I mean I almost break into tears and take deep breaths to try and calm the rising panic)

8:05PM she sprays it some more, tried the key and yeah!!!! It worked!!! I don't understand what happened, I just know that now we are in our house. And I am exhausted. And my night is completely gone.

Today was actually no better than yesterday, but this was negative enough so I'll just leave it at that. With the added info that my car is still at Outback, no more idea what is wrong than before, I have a busy day tomorrow and people expecting me to do things I can't, and my roommate is at the moment missing. But I'm in my house, eating food, watching a movie, feeding my turtle, relaxing on my very own time to do whatever I want, and so things are good.

Sigh. Jeta shkon.

2010 in review

2011-01-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?

Visited Omaha, Portland, and Yakima; bought and rode a scooter; quit grad school; saw Cloud Cult live
Did you keep your new years' resolutions?

I doubt it.
What are some of your resolutions for 2011?

Only eat sugar one day a week; have already broken that and may need to adjust to wean me down a little. But anyway, eat less and treat my body like it deserves to be treated, no more poison and gluttony.

Run a half-marathon (March) and a whole marathon (??!?!?!)

Love every day, or at least something about every day
Did anyone close to you give birth?

YES!!! So many people having babies. yeah!

Did anyone close to you die?

I don't believe I attended any funerals this year.

What countries did you visit?

mean. still just the us of a.
What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A clue

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 15th, first time seeing Cloud Cult, an amazing night in Chicago where some of my life plans got turned upside down.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a full time job I enjoy; buying my first vehicle, casting out old loss in the bottle and finally letting go
What was your biggest failure?

Continuing to judge and rank everything and everyone.
Did you suffer illness or injury?

Food poisoning one night, maybe a cold...nothing big.
What was the best thing you bought?

the aparment, though we're just renting it, and the scooter. oh and for sure the horse blanket for chris.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

several different conversations with unsatisfied single lds girls. and now church members in general often leave me appalled and angry, not depressed.
Where did most of your money go?

Freakin' car bomb, gas money, scooter, turtle, impulse buys, and maybe a little to hair stuff. and definitely rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Visiting Jackie, Lindsey, Wendy, and Derek; seeing Cloud Cult live, seeing smallcomb, liz having a baby, quitting Telos, riding my scooter

What song will always remind you of 2010?

Freakin' "hot then your cold" song that won't get out of my head, "Secrets" by One Republic, Regina Spektor, ... Light Chasers album

Compared to this time last year, are you: much happier, richer, nicer?

I am not richer, but more aware of my financial situation; soooo much happier, not sure about nicer. less fake nice though.
What do you wish you'd done more of?

Money saving. Friend making. Traveling. Performing.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Making an ass of myself, caring that I made an ass of myself, or how people percieve me in general, waiting for things to happen, complaining, bad habits

How did you spend Christmas?

Relaxing with the fam, playing life, the drawing game, laughing hysterically with my family, snowboarding, sledding, cuddling with pets, watching movies, drinking (oops) and eating way too much,
Did you fall in love in 2010?

y7es, for just a little bit. but once he got married i swear, i got over it...

What was your favorite TV program?

For the short period there was a tv i got really into Modern family and, sadly, american idol. Then i bought some scrubs and office dvd's, and king of the hill, and enjoyed them thoroughly.
What was the best book you read this year?

Whale Wars certainly had the biggest impact

What did you want and get?

snowboard bindings, to live with jess in a huge place, jeans, season pass, keens, a real job, a scooter

What were your favorite films of this year?

How to Train Your Dragon!!!! Royal Tenenbaums
What were your least favorite films of this year?
why bother?
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I worked for 12 hours, froze in a snowstorm at Oakley, then got stuck in the desert. Watched how to train your dragon the next day.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

being present for all of it

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

answer remains the same from last year: wha? fashion...?

What kept you sane?

personal ponder time, the outdoors, yoga, friends, love
Who did you miss?
all my friends who left me

Who was the best new person (people) you met?
I don't know.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Find out what you believe, cause if you don't, you won't stick to it. Life is immeasurably more beautiful than some of us let it be

What are you most excited for in 2011?

i have a lot of plans, and really its planning that makes me excited. the runs i will do, getting in shape once and for all, camping, traveling, life, what have you
What are you least excited for in 2011?

having little money as i attempt to pay off debt; trying to get a real job, fear

My Less Perfect Night

2010-12-11T01:07:00.000-07:00

Well, before describing how tonight is, lets consider what I'd like it to be that it isn't. I think my perfect night would be curling up in my huge, comfortable bed, and drifting off to sleep with pleasant thoughts of puppies or turtle snowflakes, or some other such wonderful happiness.

To be fair, this scene is played out on many nights, though its usually more that I pass out from exhaustion in my huge, comfortable bed. But that is really quite pleasant.

Tonight though, is one of those inexplicably sleepless nights. My mom is sleeping in my bed, and as I lay there trying to sleep next to her, I realized I may never be comfortable with someone else in my bed. I'd like to think that's not true, but typically my sleepless nights are when others stay the night with me.

Or perhaps its the rather large amount of caffeine in my system that keeps my mind and heart racing as I lay there, attempting to empty all thoughts. A lot happened today. I had work, with several awkward encounters with coworkers, an unexpected trip to D.I. looking for ugly sweaters for me and a therapist at my work, and our work party, where I wore said sweater all night, hot, uncomfortable, girl sized red sweater with kittens on it. I also made several blunders at this social event, as is my want, and maybe i'm thinking about that?

I think not though. I had several neat talks with people, pretty much enjoyed myself, and don't really care not being the coolest cat at the party. I have made some work-related mistakes involving finances, and that always freaks me out. But none of these things are really on my mind. My mind just won't slow down.

So now I'm out on my short couch, keeping my turtle up so she's splashing around in her dirty nasty tank I need to clean, wondering what I can do that will put me to sleep. I need sleep. I love it. And it loves me.

by the by, i bought a swimming pool for my turtle. pics to come when its all set up and ready :)

My Perfect Day

2010-12-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a long time, I did not have to work on Saturday, or do anything else that I did not want to do. No commitments, no agenda. So I lay in bed Friday night and tried to decide how I would spend my precious day. What I came up with wasn't too exciting, but then it made me think about what I would do if I could do anything at all, if I had a whole day to use just as I pleased-how would I please? This is what I came up with:

I envisioned waking up early, so I didn't feel like I'd wasted any part of the day, but feeling refreshed and invigorated. I'd walk outside on my deck in the woods, smell the crisp, fresh air, feel a light breeze on my skin, hear birds chirping. I'd do yoga out there, surrounded by the sounds and the smells and the peace.

Then I'd visit with some good friends. Maybe we'd go for a walk through the trees, or make some kind of delicious food, or just sit outside and chat and laugh.

I would need to go for a walk or a run or something, some way to spend time outside and get centered, away from sidewalks and roads and cars and city noises. This made me realize I must be feeling cooped up in the city and needing to get out in nature more right now, because every happy thought I had involved nature.

I also think I'm feeling overworked, because I just saw me having a chill day, not high energy or anything. I wondered if my day would involve snowboarding or surfing, or even just some time at the beach, because these are things I love, but they all take so much time and effort, sapping your enegery, so right now they didn't make it to my perfect day. Although I think a trip out on a sailboat or out on the ocean would definitely be appropriate.

Then there would be a music session. Alone or with a group of people, I just want time to play, without feeling rushed or forced. Or time to write, to sit and ponder and reflect. To write the great novel I will someday publish...Some creative expression without distractions.

A run at dusk as the sun is setting and the world calms down. And then dinner and a night with the man I love. Yep, that would be awesome. If I could only find him.

So now I know what I want, how do I create this life for myself? I'm working on it.

And I believe it is located in the redwoods. Should I move there?

Secret Santa...at Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Last week my brother posted something on facebook about how he was out of money and couldn't eat because of it. My brother often has money problems, and I have never felt obligated to get involved. I feel like a lot of my family's problems with money stem from my parents lack of ability to not bail out their children when things get tight.

So anyway, when I first read about his troubles, I determined not to mind and trust that he'd be okay for a few days. Then there was some conversation on his facebook; some girl told him to get top ramen, he mentioned that he liked top ramen but couldn't afford it. This was too much.

Failing to get into all the reasons why this is absurd, and all the misuses of money that led to this scenario, my sister sense could not let such a situation continue. It wasn't until he texted me that night though, just mentioning how excited he was for Thanksgiving and having cookies and such that I knew I had to act. I determined then and there I would make him some cookies and drive them up to him.

While not entirely convenient, this plan seemed illuminated from above as the only thing to do, and the more I thought about it, the more excited I got. I would make him cookies and biscuits!! And why not get him some ramen too? I can afford it, right now at least. And why stop at ramen? How many cheap, easy meals could I acquire for my baby brother?

I went to Macey's and loaded up on all the macaroni, ravioli, spaghetti, ramen, tortillas, frozen pizzas, and whatever else i could think of that he would eat, all the while with this warm little glow inside of me, this giddiness as I imagnied his response. I felt like Harry Potter when he takes that lucky potion stuff. Just happy, and like it was right.

I drove up to Salt Lake with a car full of food and cookies, and a heart full of gratitude that I could help out my brother when he needed it. He thought I was just coming to bring him cookies, though he assured me it wasn't necessary. I just told him I wanted to and that I was on my way.

When I got to his house I told him I needed help and had him come to my car. He was like "how many cookies did you bring?," but as soon as he opened the door and saw all the groceries, it was totally worth the money and the drive. It was so neat; he was really appreciative and I could tell it meant a lot to him.

I don't write this to make myself look good. I just wanted to share this happy happy story of holiday cheer and goodwill. Later that night my brother texted me this

"I wanted to thank you for the food. It gave me an overwhelming sense of hope and made me feel like I was on the right path with tryin to tighten the belt and fix my finances. It really was quite touching."

I like listening to those nice impulses and doing something to help others out. I like when it really does help them and make a difference. Yeah!

Woops

2010-11-15T21:20:00.001-07:00

So one day at work last week, I decided I would mop the floor of the bay where I perform most of my duties. I don't often mop the floor; in fact, I've only mopped it once since I started this job four months ago. But I had most of the things off the floor and it looked sooo dirty that I decided I needed to mop it.

And I did.

Afterwards I was feeling hasty and just wanted to leave, end of the day and all. So at first I thought I'd just chuck the mop in a corner and leave it there, all dirty like and such. Cause that's how I roll. But then, I thought, "no. be responsible. rinse out that mop!"

So I turned on the sink and started rinsing. And then, the brilliant thought- "soak the mop! Soak the mop in hot water overnight!"

To fulfill this plan, I stuck the plug in the sink and left it running to fill up while I gathered my things and got ready to leave. Yes, that's exactly what I did. I got my things and I left.

I ran some errands, came home, got some food, then got a text message from a co-worker. The subject line: Flood!!!

Oops! It almost looked like I was attempting to destroy my company by water. Luckily our neighbors happened to look in the door and see the water pouring out of the sink and flowing around the room. Normally I'm the only one to go back there, so it would have been a long time before anyone caught my little mistake.

Sorry Outback. I'm a ditz!

The happy part is no one even knew about it except the guy that called me, and when I voluntarily told everyone else about it, they all just laughed. This is probably due to the fact that no gear was ruined. Had I done any real damage it probably would have been a much different story.

Alls well that ends well :)

Honestly?!

2010-11-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

okay so I love where i live, it would be perfect but for a few absurdities, but as they come when I am most vulnerable and prone to anger, I sometimes feel that I can't stay here another day.

these disturbances all involve something messing with my sleep. As previously mentioned, living above me is an excellent violin player. He/she can play beautiful, haunting music that almost sounds like a recording. I appreciate this talent and Mystery Person's desire to express it. But the only time I ever hear it played is between the ours of 4 and 6 AM. Honestly? The violin is one instrument that is always loud, no matter what you're playing. And the walls/floor separating aparmtents are not very thick.

typically I've noticed the violin will play only if I've been practicing my violin the day before, like somehow its payback for me playing at the ungodly hour of 5 or 6 PM. Or it happnes when I get to sleep in an hour or so. The rare days I don't have to get up at 6, then the violin wakes me up and sends me into a dort of furious, impotent frenzy as I consider how rude and inappropriate it is to play such an instrument at such an hour. I never do anything about it, but i think...

then there's the stomping. What do I know ? Maybe they're just walking around and its super loud; maybe our downstairs neighbors feel the same way about us, but truly i've wondered sometimes if they have wild animals up there.

When I first moved in, I would hear these weird, scraping sounds, and running, running back and forth, over and over, again not starting until around 11 PM and sometimes going until 3 or 4. The most disturbing part is my mind, wondering what they could possibly be doing, what could be going on. Why back and forth? Why so late? Why the jumping, as with last night, jumping and running-is someone gettin beat up there? Should I be concerned? Jumping? Acrobats, at one in the morning. Why?

Because today is the weekend, and I should be able to sleep in. What? Sleep in? Heavens no! We must stop that at all costs! It's like when I lived by BYU and the ROTC guys would run in the morning, run right past my window at 5 AM chanting loudly. Like this morning, when my exhausted stupor finally sent me to peaceful oblivion despite the upsets, some school by my house took matters into its own hands and a siren went off a little before 7. Went off, and kept going off, loudly. Maybe someone broke in. Should I call the cops? is htis dangerous? Why don't the cops come? Why doesn't the alarm go off?

One things for sure. Someone or something does not want me getting too much cleep here, and they're determined to see that through.

Its quiet now, but for how long?!!?

IRL Moments

2010-11-03T22:17:00.001-06:00

November is an exciting month. This fall has been phenomenal and I feel like things are just getting better and better. Wait, no, I didn't mean to write that. Things have been good, and then the end of October took a bit of a dive, so I realized I needed to do some planning to better things and make November wonderful.

November is obviously a great time to reflect on blessings and think of all the great things in our lives. It's a time for service, for thinking of others and getting into that happy Christmas spirit of charity and love and forgiveness. So as I pondered how to make this month great, and how to stop being selfish and thinking about myself, I realized that I have a problem, one that maybe you can understand.

I live almost entirely in my head. I block out the present so often to think about the past or the future. I don't think everyone is as dysfunctional as I am; whenever I'm around the Lewis (Bate!) family I think "now here is a group of people who really know how to live, how to enjoy each moment and make the most of it." Maybe you disagree Liz, but I just feel like in general you guys are pretty good at being present and not getting stuck in your mind. That's how I want to be. And I feel that's one way of showing gratitude and appreciation for life-by loving it and experiencing it fully, whatever it is, not wishing for something else.

So as I pondered this, I remembered my IRL moment in Chicago. In Real Life. A truly life-defining moment when I stood in front of that little stage in that little club on Lincoln Avenue, watching Cloud Cult perform some of my all-time favorite music, and I felt alive. I felt present like I rarely do, experiencing my life to the fullest because it was so worth experiencing. And I wondered then why these moments are so rare, why so few things in my life warrant my full attention.

The things that do stick out to me, that bring me into my reality every time, include snowboarding, surfing, the first little while in Albania, when everything was so new and incredible and I tried to take it all in (mos Lizi, e di qe isha e frikesuar dhe e cmendur, dhe nuk isha vete veten, ne fillim, por edhe isha e zguar gjithemone...hmm. ose jo? ndoshte nuk punon kjo shembull), every Cloud Cult concert I've been to and especially shaking Craig's hand (oh my gosh!!! that still makes me a little giddy), watching sunsets and snow-tipped mountains, looking at the night sky, all things that bring me into myself and the present.

One reason people like "dangerous" or intense activities, like sky diving, or snowboarding, or rock climbing, or what have you, are because these things force you to be aware, to be in your body and sensing the world around you, or you could die. Every near-out-of-control activity forces you to rely on instinct; mind wandering just doesn't work. Traveling I think is the same way; it gets you out of your bubble and your mindset and forces you to look at things differently, to observe people and places and customs, whether out of curiosity or survival, it doesn't matter. Your eyes are open. Connections with others, connections with earth, recquire an act or awareness in the present. Such wonderful moments. But so rare!

The thing is, every moment warrants my full attention. Every moment could be just as beautiful. I just need to learn how, learn how to see, live, breathe each moment, instead of escaping to some place I've created in my mind, to some projection of the future or some remembrance of the past. So this month is dedicated to IRL moments, to being present to experience not only my life, but also to be aware of others around me, and hopefully be more able to help them, to connect with them, to serve them.

So join me if you dare! Participate fully in life this month. And I'd love to hear about your own moments, love to hear what brings you to a sense of awareness and being you don't normally experience. New babies? New hobbies? New loves? Lets be grounded to life by the sheer awesomeness of each minute, each opportunity to live and love and share.

Happy November!

What Do You See?

2010-10-23T22:39:00.000-06:00

So I realized something today as I came home from a run. I was walking to cool down a bit, and noticed a sign for a restaurant. I couldn't even tell you how many times I've seen this sign; I live across the street from it now, and I've driven past it countless times during my ten year stint in Provo. But I don't think I've ever really seen it before today.

I don't see things. I see what the things mean. What that sign means to me is that there's a red lobster very close. (Your red lobster julie!) But what about the sign itself? What is it made of? How long has it been there? How sturdy is it, how long will it be there in the future? Is it a big sign or small one? If I just stop and think about it from memory, from one of the many times I've passed that sign, I would not be able to answer any of those questions. I just don't pay attention to details. Should I? Do you?

There are so many things around us that just become part of the background. Tonight I sat by an empty parking lot, writing silly things under the moonlight, and then I looked up and saw all these poles all over this deserted parking lot. Poles. What were they for? How tall were they? How many? Just little things that I'm sure I've never even observed before, never had any conscious thought about. It's weird. How much of our surroundings, how much of our world, just gets regulated to the background?

I know that's a part of what keeps us running, being able to tune out stimuli that are not impacting us or important to us, or else we'd be overwhelmed by the myriad of movements and details all around us. But I think sometimes it's neat to stop and look around, and truly see that tree over there, or that person riding past on a bike. A real person, who is connected to me forever from that one moment that we shared in space and time. hmm.

Time

2010-10-17T18:02:00.000-06:00

Time since...
~I last ate meat = 2 months 17 days

~I last saw Cloud Cult live = One month (too long!)

~I went camping for real = I don't even know the last time!!!! That's horrible. Way too long.

~I got the PT Cruiser last time = 2 years and a month

~I went snowboarding = 6 months

~I last dyed my hair = 6 months

~I got my scooter = 2 1/2 months

~Time till i can't ride him anymore = I don't want to think about it!!!

~I first stepped on Albanian soil = 6 years. Six years people, geez!

~I last did Joannie Greggins = No idea, but Karen, who somehow ended up with the video tape, just sent it to me thinking it was mine and she had stolen it from me. Want it back Julie?

~I got my very own bed and private room = 10 months. And I love it. The bed especially.

~I graduated from college = 2 years 6 months

~I graduated from high school = ahhh, 10 years. :(

~I dropped out of Grad School = 6 months

~I started contemplating this tatoo = 4 months. Rather than scolding me for this one, lets celebrate my show of restraint in not just impulsively getting it done, as I so often did with my hair. That said, pretty sure it's going to happen.

~I last saw Dan = don't even know. Are you interested in soup in pumpkin bread bowls? cause i want to see you and i'd make such a thing for you (and friends?) if it would make you hang out with me. (or maybe i'm just trying to get you to comment on my blog. do you still read this?)

~I went to a hockey game = Almost a year? Was halloween the last one I went to? whew, fix that soon.

~I became the Field Administrative Assistant at Outback = 3 months

~I saw my older brother = almost a year. Last Thanksgiving. that's sad.

This post is sad. For some reason I thought it was fun at first. Now I think it's just lame. ah well. here ya go!

Ode to Dusk

2010-10-13T22:44:00.000-06:00

Oh Dusk, thou art so fair
The lovely gleam upon thy hair
Thy precious sky makes me stare
And yearn thy loveliness to share...

Okay so this isn't really that kind of ode. I just realized, driving home tonight as the shadows lengthened and the sky turned a deeper shade of blue, that dusk is my favorite time of day.

I've had this thought before. I think it when I see outlines of mountains, stark guardians standing out solidly against the rest of the hazy world, their forms gaining strength as others blur, colorless and firm.

I've thought it watching sunsets light the sky on fire with brilliant orange and red clouds fanning out from the setting sun.

I've thought it listening to the night sounds, the noises of the world growing quiet while crickets and birds sing their last songs for the day.

But tonight was different. Tonight I realized the real power of dusk. It is in this time as in no other time that I can be completely, unreservedly, myself. There is some magic power that unites my soul to my body, and all images or frustrations or concerns just sort of melt away till all that is left is my bare, rejoicing spirit.

I spent eight hours today working with a person I do not particularly enjoy being around. I was impatient and silently sarcastic, thinking mean things I would never say to him like:

"I can't imagine how I wouldn't have put that together myself" or

"What could possibly make you think I care about that? Stop talking!!!!"

One lesson to be learned here is that I am mean and judgemental, which is true but not the point. The point is, until dusk I felt anger towards him and resentment that I must spend the time with him. Filled with such unhappy thoughts, my mind obviously was not much geared towards revelling in being alive and I certainly wasn't feeling my-self-ish; I had shut down almost entirely and refused to make any effort to connect with this human being.

Then I looked around at the deepening night. I saw the trees, and the last rays of day shining across to the tops of the mountains. I saw the twinkling lights pop out as people retired to their houses, relaxing at the end of the day in the cozy solitude of home. I saw the first star appear in the sky (planet, whatevs) and the moon gain strength from the dying sun.

And I felt at home. I felt completely at ease, at peace, one with the universe and the road we were hurtling down. I realized I can never be anyone but me at that hour. If someone wanted an honest conversation with me, wanted to really commune with me, that's the hour. There can be nothing but truth. Nothing but open, honest, connection, at dusk. Man it was brilliant. I can't do it justice but I sure enjoyed it.

This does not mean I made any breakthroughs with my coworker. I pretty much ignored him as I had been doing, content to sit quietly and enjoy the revelry. But I was not hostile towards him, I felt no animosity, simply a desire to sit and reflect on my own thoughts.

Dusk dusk a magical time, the more I write the more I rhyme....

okay that one was no good. I apologize.

RIP Leonard

2010-10-06T21:10:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been a long road. Leonard and I first met sometime in June or July last year. We've traveled many roads together. Soon after becoming acquainted, we drove to northern California where I visited Julie and her family, then my brother and grandpa. A long road with just Smalls, Cloud Cult, and the quiet sound of Leonards crappy, treadless tires to keep me company.

Leonard had a mind of his own. He heated or cooled at his own disgression, the automatic benefits somewhat lacking when old age sent them haywire. Whenever he felt like it, he locked me in or out, like in the epic incident when my gas light was on, running on empty, and I hopped out to read a meter. The doors locked of their own accord, locking me out while the engine idled away its tiny reserve of fuel. This resulted in a panicked situation leading me to pay $140 to have someone pick my lock and let me in. There were two more such occurences, though luckily much less expensive.

Then the delightful moment when my backpack, complete with the only key I had for Leonard, soared off Mount Timpanogas and it cost another $300 to make two keys.

The random moments when the alarm was set unbeknownst to me, and I had to scramble to turn it off in the middle of the night or in parking lots.

But Leonard has warmed me when it was cold outside, his seat warmers heating me long before the heater got around to working. His sun roof allowed the stars to look down upon me as I drove at night. He took me to Sun Valley to visit Smalls, to Idaho to see my family, and to Washington to visit Jackie and Lindsey.

He's driven on golf courses and railraod paths.

But then remember this? Though he did, in the end, get me to Vegas, it took a lot of coaxing and a lot of money to do it.

And then. After a fuel pump, after new tires, (6 in the last year), after new brake pads and rotors, tie rods and leaking hoses, the final ride. Coming back from Idaho, Leonard died yet again. But this time, he did not restart.

I'm sorry Leonard, but this was one time too many. This was too far. The boys tried to fix it, ended up lighting him on fire so we took it to a mechanic, mechanic changed the cam sensor then the timing belt snapped as they tried to start it, possibly destroying my engine as well. Basta. I've had enough!

It's been a wild ride. I've spent probably 3 x's what we paid to buy this car trying to fix it up. About a thousand in the last two months, only to lose him now in such an unglorious way. But maybe it's time to move on. Time to get rid of things that are dead and look to the future.

Farewell, old suckwinkle.

Provophenia VIII

2010-09-27T21:35:00.000-06:00

Okay, while I would love to post about my first awesome weekend which happened on Sept. 17-19 and consisted of Cloud Cult, Wendy, Jackie, and Derek, until I have pictures I feel it would be very boring. So let me start with my second awesome weekend that just happend, with the amazingness that is a scooter rally.

Here we all gathered at the Lounge, preparing for the first big ride. I was surprised at the variety of ages and types of scooterists, as well as the largely male crowd.

Here we are at Squaw Peak, a beautiful overlook after a lovely ride up Provo Canyon. Why have I never done this myself? It was so pretty and so fun to wind up the road on the scooter. We stopped at the top for quite some time and I got to know a lot of really cool people.

Everywhere we go we park our scooters in a line and take pictures. It just seems to be the thing to do.

Buddy was so proud to have friends. that is another orange buddy next to me, slightly cooler colors and carrying two! The guy behind Laura got hit on his scooter recently and its out of commission for a while. Scary!

These guys are slow racing. Slow racing is basically going as slow as possible to keep from going far. Whoever touches their feet down first or reaches the end first loses.

We went on a midnight (more like midnight thirty) ride out to Utah Lake later that night. I had to do it-once in a lifetime right? at one point I even envisioned myself jumping in the lake, as I do in all bodies of water, especially when its cold or absurd to get in. But by this point, I was so incredibly tired and freezing cold I decided that plan was silly. This guy...Blake? Jake...had the right idea with the face mask. .

We got shakes at Sammy's after that; fun, but the excitement was wearing away into utter exhaustion for me, and I was literally shaking from cold at this point. Still good times.

What I really felt was that I belonged. That I had found friends, people that shared something with me, in Provo. Not just the scooting, although obviously that is what brought us together. But these people were real, they were sort of rough, they were funny, and they made me feel so happy and a part of something. It was awesome.

Next day we met on top of the parking garage for the gymkhana. obstacle course thing.

This little boy was too adorable. See the big jump? He didn't go off it. But wouldn't that have been amazing? Only one guy did go off it, the rest of us took the little jump.

This wasn't exactly the action shot I would have hoped for, but you can see that I really went off, right? I was super timid doing everything at first, but got a little more gutsy towards the end.

The course involved a couple small balance things, going full circle around all four pillars, going under the limbo stick and trying to get a cherry, then turning around to go over another balance thing and then the jump.

Michelle and her cool scooter. If you can see her shoe color, I think it is awesome with her scooter color. She's the one that gave me the courage to do the course.

The Hurtado family, raffling off the scooter and other prizes, including the trophy Dave both made and won, after winning the gymkhana.

Some of my favorite people, Sean and Nick, in an amazing feat of balance and skill.

Oh yeah, here I am doing the pillar. Don't let my look of terror fool you; I was amazing...or not. It was harder than it looked!

All of us at the gas station before heading up the canyon. Well no, about a third of us.

We also went around the Alpine loop-this is us coming down. That guy behind me is crazy. He would lay on his scoot with his legs flailing out behind him. Not on the loop though; that's just crazy. By the by, who knew this drive was so pretty?! Absolutely amazing.

Seriously, every time I looked around and saw myself surrounded by twenty other scooters, I just had to laugh out loud. It's so ridiculous, but so cool too. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Hodge Podge

2010-09-05T20:28:00.000-06:00

These are some random pictures I found and for some odd reason wanted to post. Tonight feels rather ecclectic, and I take no responsiblity for what results.

I saw this while reading meters on south state street. It was really pretty.

Chris and I saw the most amazing view of the sunset while driving through cache valley once upon a time. I took several pictures from the car and this was one of the best.

These are Outback people. It made me happy. We were pulled over while they fixed a flat on the truck, and just sort of had a jamboree in the middle of the road.

This is my old roommates' dog in my purse. It's such a little dog.

Tonight the sunset was amazing because it was wind smeared. Subtle colors, almost blown out by the crazy blowing surges but still there in white-ish varities of yellow and pink and blue. Delightful.

Flying Days and Broken Cars

2010-08-28T12:45:00.000-06:00

Last weekend Jess and I went to visit Smalls in California. It was a semi-planned but never planned out trip that was delightful and slightly disturbing all at once. We set off Friday morning in my car, feeling pretty good about the day and determined to make the most of it.
(sidenote: Liz, I wanted to stop sometime in Cedar and see you; I even wondered if we could leave Thursday night and stay with you. But I'd been working like mad to get done by Friday and didn't know how Jess would feel about it, so we didn't. then I really wanted to stop on our way back, but again, long drive, Jessers...tell me ya understand!!)
Okay anyhoo, it was nice. We drove, Jess crocheted and did homework, I thought about stuff...we took about an hour detour for lunch cause we thought Cafe Rio sounded good but got a little lost looking for the one in St. George. But we decided to just enjoy the ride and not worry about getting to Smalls. hmm..

Jess really likes palm trees.

Anyway, on we went, until I saw a sign that said Vegas was close...I couldn't remember how close, but close enough that I was excited about this milestone we were about to pass. We drove on a bit and then-we couldn't drive anymore. My car just stopped accelerating, just like it did on my way home from Yakima. I pulled over and turned off the car, then tried to restart it, a trick that has always worked in the past.

It didn't work.

So there we were, dead on the side of the freeway in the middle of the desert, in 107 degree weather. This was concerning. Jess said not to worry, she has roadside assistance so we called them seeking help, and they gave us nothing but anger, frustration, and an extra hour sitting on the side of the road in the desert. the incompetence of those people is hard for me even to grasp. A kindly stranger from Mississippi stopped to offer us advice during this hour long duration of pointlessness, and we decided he was very friendly. Then, after learning that, supposing these failures at assistance could ever determine our location and get a tow truck to us, we'd have to pay for towing anyway, I decided to give the ol' suckwinkle one more try to redeem himself. and what do you know-he started! So we drove into Vegas ourselves and got to a mechanic.

3 and a half hours later, $550 poorer but with a new fuel pump, we hit the road again, about an hour after we had anticipated landing in California. It was a bitter night. But Smalls and fam were so helpful and wonderful and seeing them made it all worth while. And we did have some fun while we waited.

Jess drew a lovely interpretation of my idea for a tattoo, so I could see how it looked. We ate our Cafe Rio leftovers, did homework, chatted, I talked to Julie which I'd been meaning to do for a long time. Julie, by the way, this is the rest of the story and hopefully I'll talk to soon since we got cut off.

Anyway, after that night things got much better. We had a great time visiting the smallcombs and especially checking out the FLUG TAG

Really phenomenal. there were 34 teams, each of which had costumes,

skits, and some sort of aircraft that they would launch off the pier and measure how far it "flew." Of the twenty we saw, 50 ft was the farthest, although the record is something like 207. We also saw a famous skater skateboard off the pier, and parachute guys flip around in the air and then land right on the pier; pretty impressive.

Some of my favorites. They did the dance from the three amigos and it was fantastic. Ah Flugtag, what a day.

We also went to the beach, just to walk around.

Well, among other things. All in all, a ton of fun but way too short. and maybe not cheaper than flying when your car breaks down :( But its been running alright ever since, so that's good. I was just glad to get back to my scooter!

Writing

2010-08-11T20:36:00.000-06:00

Well, today is writing Wednesday, so I thought I better write something. So far, my plan to accomplish things with my life is not really working. I came up with a schedule, to help tailor my daily activities and ensure certain things happened each week. Here is the schedule:

Music Monday : practice some instrument for some undetermined amount of time with undetermined result goals.

Turtle Tuesday : clean that stinky cage, get the mold off the turtle's floatie, and give her some special attention.

Writing Wednesday: Very vague here....write in a journal, a blog, some sort of written word.

Throw-down Thursday : I had a very hard time coming up with anything except throw-up thursday, so I fudged a little to make this day. Basically I'm supposed to do chores, clean the room, the bathroom, tidy things up.

Food Friday : A day to go shopping and make meal plans for the week.

Weekends are apparently free because I could come up with nothing else, and two S's in a row was just too much.

So far, I played the guitar once last Monday. I made an exception today to play my banjo because the dam jam is this weekend and I need to practice. I need to practice a whole lot more than that but, as you'll see, my accomplishments in general have been very limited, so music making follows suit.

I did not clean the turtle's cage until friday. Which left me feeling very iffy about cleaning it again this Tuesday. I mean, it had only been three days! Maybe next week...

I wrote nothing last Wednesday but here I am today, posting a blog! Yeah me, this is worthwhile.

No throw-down has happened, no chores. I tidied up my room a bit when I thought my mom would see it, and vacuumed on saturday when my dad brought a vacuum down from Idaho for me, but I don't know that that counts.

No food shopping has been done, except ice cream. But man, if food is a necessity for our physical bodies, this ice cream has been twice as necessary for my emotional body, and it has been sustaining me physically as well. Private selection, cookie dough. There are almost too many cookie dough chunks!!!! Is that even possible?!!? They have a great chocolate ice cream that smalls loves, and I'm betting their mint is divine as well. all around happiness in that container.

The weekends have indeed been free of anything productive as well.

So I'm not entirely sure this schedule has been helpful for me. But I'm not positive it hasn't either.

Unrelatedely, I am now the Field Administrative Assistant at Outback. After two other unfortunate souls attempted this job and did not stick around, and upon my pleading for a steady job instead of the inconsistencies of my previous "title", I have taken the yoke upon me and will become, in effect, Outback's b*!&h. so I"m pretty sure when bleeping out words, you're supposed to do it randomly or something. Having never done it, I thought it looked funny, so i went back and tried about ten combinations and am wholly unsatisfied with the result. How is that supposed to look?

Anyway, point being I do a bunch of dirty jobs and am available for anything they feel like throwing at me, but I have freedom in when I work, somewhat, and when I do things, and I like that. I've discovered I prefer having tasks to do instead of time to kill, having my own pace instead of someone breathing down my neck, and having the option to come and go as I please, with vacations when I want, as long as I get my crap done. This is why I'll never have a real job, but so be it.

My bosses are also very gungho about my scooter. One of them just got his own, albeit a pansy 50 cc that is bright green. His helmet, however, is a perfect orange that would compliment my scooter greatly. My other boss says I sold him on the scooter, and once I get some flames on mine he committed to getting his own and we can start the scooter club. Another boss said he wants something similar...but with 1200 cc's. We'll see.

Okay, do I have anything else at all to say here? umm, did everyone appreciate Monday? 8-9-10!!! I thought that was stellar.

Oh, I know what happened last Wednesday. I crashed my scooter and it left me speechless.

It was a crazy stormy day, full of lightening, thunder, hail, rain, and wind. Like, downpour-rain. Flooding my work-rain. And making huge puddles-rain. I went through a huge puddle, got covered in water, and then tried to turn my little scoot. :( It went down. I didn't though, so that's something. Just got that nasty bruise on my leg and a scratch on my thumb. I was a bit shaken up though, thus the no writing.

Here's my dad on the scoot, just for fun. Miku's the little guy's name, scootin's his game and he's one mischevious little hooligan.

Peace.

Lasts

2010-08-01T08:46:00.001-06:00

Thursday night I went with my roommate Jess to get sushi for that last time. I discovered it wouldn't actually be the last time, because my roommate is vegetarian and she got some veggie rolls, so I will be able to as well. The sushi wasn't great and I thought the salmon a tad bit slimy.

Friday night/Saturday morning found me huddled in a corner at 12:30 AM, devouring my last whopper and fries, after working unexpectedly 14 and 1/2 hours with very little to eat. I actually love the whopper jr., but as I was starving and it was my last burger, I went for the full on guy. Granted, it was way too late to be eating such things, but it settled in my stomach uncomfortably and wasn't nearly as good as I thought it would be.

I've been finding this every since I knew I was going to stop eating meat. I allowed myself a grace period, a prep time to accept the fact and make sure I was committed. Yesterday was my last day to eat meat, and I am now going to fruits and veggies, and hopefully more natural foods. But for that intermittent time, when I was in my no eating meat mindset, but still my indulgent, eat your lasts mode, every time I ate meat it wasn't even that good. The first time, at the family picnic in bear lake, I ate a ton of bacon and sausage, realizing for the first time that sausage is pig, and that I think I love pig more than all other meats. I also ate that sketchy tuna salad, knowing I shouldn't be indulging like that but trying to take advantage all the same. And I got horribly sick as punishment.

Had some In-N-Out, a thing of tuna when I was starving at work, all these little lapses, though allowed as August 1st hadn't come along, and every time I thought, this isn't that good, I don't need this.

I guess we'll find out! As I've been talking about this new plan with various people, I've heard about a lot of health benefits coming my way due to my avoidance of meat. That is good, but not my purpose. I made the decision after watching The Cove, a movie about dolphins that get slaughtered for their meat in Japan. I watched this about 8 months ago, and almost made this decision, but decided I couldn't.

Then on my trip to Omaha I had to wait in the airport a really long time, so I bought the book The Whale Warriors, and was instantly sucked into this movement that I apparently feel very strongly about. Same idea, Japanese ships slaughtering whales for meat, although this time they do it in reserved ocean sanctuary, claiming its for scientific research.

The book and movie are not anti-meat eating. They talk about the high levels of intelligence of whales and dolphins, and that we shouldn't capture them and we shouldn't eat them, although as far as eating them goes, they are highly toxic with exorbant levels of mercury that does not get reported on nutrition information for the meat. But for me, it was appalling. To see people kill these animals, slaughter them cruelly, just for their meat, made me so sad.

And I had to take it further. To some people, killing dolphins and whales is just what has been for years. Traditions. No different, except for astounding intelligence, than our killing and eating cows, pigs, chickens. We take something else's life to satisfy our lust. My real decision came when I accidentally killed some small potato bug or something at work, and I felt bad. I don't like killing. I don't like killing anything. Even spiders, which I detest when its in my room. And yet, because I don't see it, I'm okay with eating another creature, because I don't have to kill it, I don't have to know what happens.

It opened up this whole viewpoint of my lack of awareness of what I eat, where it comes from, how its made, and if its at all good for me. According to the book, tuna is horribly high in mercury (something you can't find levels of on the packaging), and the current methods of fishing are destroying the oceans beyond repair. So much of what I put in my body, I'm unaware of the consequences.

So there's my spiel. I am not purporting that everyone become vegetarian. I just decided that for me, personally, to go along with my "peace" idea and desire not to hurt other things, I will not eat something I wouldn't prepare myself. If I wouldn't kill it, if I would be horrified to actually watch it killed, I won't eat it. I did, in this way, decide eggs were okay. I would keep chickens and take their eggs. I almost decided I could kill a chicken, so eating it would be okay. But not now. Not until I really do kill a chicken.

Again, this is in no means an attempt to convert anyone else. I honestly don't want to tell people because I don't want it to sound like I'm right and you're wrong if you don't agree. This is just for myself, something I believe in, but a lifestyle that goes very much against the grain of what I'm used to, with a family of ranchers and hunters that I will probably never inform lest I should become an outcast. (not immediate family, but extended relatives).

But there it is, My commitment to a purer lifestyle for me, and a conservationist approach to the world. My scooter uses way less gas and should hopefully cut down on emissions, (except now I want to ride it everywhere so I find excuses to go places), I won't eat meat and will try to be more conscious of my food, (not eliminating sweets and such yet though. one step at a time), and I may one day up and join sea shephard, run away to sea and attempt to stop the killing, on an issue I've felt passionately about since Free Wiley and just didn't realize it. I guess we'll see what new firsts come along this month.

oh, i found the veggie pattie at subway is quite delicious!

Turns out its to scoot!

2010-07-29T21:29:00.000-06:00

Well I did it. I got one! Here it is, a 2009 Genuine Buddy

The most beautiful orange color.

Just trying to figure out what to name her. Wanted to just go for the obvious, Shoku (buddy in albanian, kind of) but it doesn't quite fit. And I'm thinking she's a girl.

Any ideas?

To Scoot or not to scoot

2010-07-26T21:31:00.000-06:00

So I may be buying a scooter. If I do, I want to buy it soon, as winter is coming on and I want as much time to utilize the scootage as possible.

Reasons? They get freaking good gas mileage! Who knew? the average is around 80 mpg, can you imagine? I've been feeling more environmentally conscious lately and driving to Lehi everyday in my big honking car (doesn't help that it's falling apart), wasting all the gas and all the emissions, it makes me feel bad. I could drive a little scooter and save a lot of gas money and other bad things.

What I really should get is a pedal bike. That would be most environmentally friendly. But I'm not at all sure I would be committed to taking the extra time to get to work, and would probably end up in my car. Plus it would maybe be harder to ride in bad weather. So this is maybe a cop out, but maybe a step in the right direction?

Problem: I have hated scooters with a passion for almost two years now, and I can't seem to find one that I like the look of due to this fact. They look silly. They're tiny and slow and uncool. Well, except to the scooter crowd, who seem to think scooters are what life is about. I am not that crowd and dont really want to join that culture. Again, I have bitter feelings toward the scooter crowd that influence my thoughts. A small bike is another option, that could go further and hopefully on dirt roads, but I feel that would be more expensive and have worse gas mileage. But maybe I'd look cooler.

So, give me some feedback peeps. Either what you hear as far as good brands and such, or how you think I'd look coolest, or just how you feel about the weather. Really I just want two things:
1. more comments on my blog
2. someone else to make my decisions for me.

Can you see it? Me, scootin' down the road? Or zippin down on a bike? Or walking cause my car borke down and I'm too poor to buy a new one....aye me

Yakima in Two Part Harmony; Part One

2010-07-17T07:28:00.002-06:00

Umm, I had all these pictures and stuff for this harmonic duet, but it takes too dern long on here to put pictures. So part one, with the majority of pics, is going to have to be on facebook. I have no patience.

Yakima in two part harmony- part two

2010-07-17T07:23:00.000-06:00

WHAT I LEARNED IN YAKIMA

1. I really like Oregon. There's a part when you come through a pass thing and drop down into a green valley with mountains on one side that were all vieled in mist and cloud when I was there and it tickled me. By North Powder or Baker or something. There's a town with a college nearby that I could work at maybe? Anyway, I liked it.

2.I like green on my mountains, not just bare hills like what surround Yakima.

3. I can listen to Cloud Cult a very long time.There new album is phenomenal.

4. I am exhausted whenever I travel. I make it there and then am in a fog until I leave.

5. Being afraid that your car will be broken into makes hiking less fun.

I think my car was broken into. The top seal to my sun roof was cut.

6. I love Jackie and she is a photographer.

7. Jackie can play the guitar and piano, and is amazing at both, but less good at having people watch her play.

movie 1

8. I like cherries and WA has good ones

9. I don’t really care for fireworks. I may even be opposed to them. But I like singing Christmas songs during them.

10. I like Matt.

11. I love Lindsey

Good Land Njerez!

2010-07-01T22:38:00.003-06:00

Being reminded strangely of my past today, I felt the need to borrow a phrase from my mission "mom", or trainer. thank you Liz for the expression; it can almost capture the feelings I have for the universe today. Mission friends who read this, you cannot relate any of the following information with the appropriate involved parties, deal?

So a few weeks ago I got a phone call from a friend in an old ward. He said he wanted to set me up with this guy in his new ward, and would I be okay if he gave him my number and we went out sometime?

Most everyone is familiar with my dating life, and how it needs a little help, so I thought "sure. lets do it."

So I got the call last week and we decided to go out tonight. All I knew about this guy was that he was from Idaho, he ran track or something, and he liked the outdoors. That's what I got. After talking to him, I knew we were going bowling, tonight at 7, and that it would be awkward.

But I had no idea!!

You have to understand, he is the nicest of guys. Very sweet, opened my door and all. When I got in his car, I noticed it was the exact same as the Suburu legacy that my ex-boyfriend Zack had, until I totalled it. The seatbelt is what really brought back memories, how you do the bottom one and the top moves when you open the door. I don't know why but that threw me a bit when I got in, and when he said he's a civil engineer, which Zack also was going to school for, it threw me even more.

Not that there were any other similarities. My date had CD's of hymns strewn about his car, and we listened to some kind of light jazz in the stereo. He was very proper and nice, and I think my using the word "suck" was probably horribly offensive to him. Now, maybe some people would get in such a situation and think -"this guy is perfect", but I am not one of them. I thought- "this guy is not for me and I am not for him. Not even in the remotest stretch of the imagination. Not even a little bit." And I wondered what my dear friend AD was thinking.

I have to hand it to him, he livened up the bowling by making it "skittle bowling," you take a skittle before each throw and the color determines how you throw (eyes closed, dancing, backwards, the like). While I was not into it at all, he was remarkalbe, and really did a great job with dancing and backwards and such. Sadly, all I could think of is my pure, unbridled (but actually quite bridled tonight) hatred for bowling. If I never bowl again in my life I think I won't have the slightest regret. It may even be equal to my hatred for tennis. Maybe it surpassed it. Though golf is still worse in my mind.

Anyhoo, all of this is the set up. The real kicker came as we drove off for some frozen yogurt right south of campus after the bowling. "oh, so you're a returned missionary? Where did you serve?"

"albania,"

"really?!" said with just a little more enthusiasm than is normal,

"My sister served there"

"Really?! What's her name?"

~Now I want you all who know about this to take a quick moment and think about the name I am going to disclose. A sister who served at the same time as me and was actually a companion of mine. Who do you think I ended up on a date with tongight? Whose brother would make the perfect compliment to me?

"Jill Harrison."

"Wow..."

I LOVE Sister Harrison. She was an awesome missionary and probably is a great person now. But just curious, can anyone picture me on a date with her little brother? What cruel twist of fate led to this scenario being played out? I felt like the universe teamed up to make this one very amusing circumstance come into being.

So there it is. My dating life. Sister Harrison's little brother. He is a nice fellow.

And I have some new rules.

I will not go bowling on a date.

I will not date anyone still attending BYU.

And maybe not anyone without facial hair. It's a sad situation but in Utah I think it will only help me.

I will probably need to hear a swear word or two out of the guy before we go out. And I might require a certain arm width.

It's not like I'll have to turn away too many people; this may have been the first date I've been on this year. But I would rather no date than this sort of thing. Am I 18 or 28? I mean really.

Yep, that's all there is to say about that.

Vote

2010-06-28T21:48:00.001-06:00

Should I go to Yakima, WA this weekend? Vote yes or no, and the most votes wins!

I'm going I'm going!!! See you tomorrow Yakima!

I am not alone

2010-06-20T21:28:00.000-06:00

No man is an Island. No man stands alone. At least, no man should. And this weekend, I learned that I don't.

I went, of all places, to Island Park, Idaho. It's between Rexberg and West Yellowstone, though much closer to Yellowstone. I went with seven other ladies around my age (I'm actually on the young side of the crowd, though we're all within five years of each other), only one of them married. Two others do have boyfriends, but they're old enough that I forgive them. It was the best experience.

I wish I had pictures to illustrate, but I didn't take a single photo. I will get them though, because there were many pictures taken, I just don't have them.

Anyway, we went to Idaho Falls Thursday night and stayed at Lani's parents' house. Her mom is the typical, wonderful Idaho mom, welcoming, accomodating, kind, cheerful, funny. We put our stuff away, chatted a while, then got in the hot tub under a sky on fire with stars. At this point of the trip I barely knew any of the girls, and was not sure what I had gotten myself into. I'm very much in this mindset that Provo people (Orem is close enough) are all a certain way and I want to find another way of people. they hadn't quite broken through that mentality yet.

They were funny though, and I noticed that right away. I just was sick of talking about boys and what we want in boys and why we don't have boys and so on and so forth. It had come up a time or two on the drive up. But the hot tub was delightful, and Idaho was as familiar and beautiful as it always is, and reminded me yet again how potoato country flows in my blood and I might not be able to escape it. Everything was green and crisp and fresh. We slept in the Star Wars room, while the others took the Hawaii room.

Had a wonderful breakfast in the morning, loaded our stuff, went shopping at Wal-mart, then set off with two four-wheelers for the cabin at Island Park. By this point, I am fairly convinced that these are some of the funniest girls I've been around in a long time. But I am still on the outskirts.

We do not really listen to music on any of the drives. This sometimes drives me crazy. But instead, everyone kept asking questions about everyone else, so we all talked and shared stories and got to know one another. We made it past the loose toe-straps, Lani got the truck and trailor up the death hill of unsurpasses narrowness, and we unloaded the four-wheelers, feeling very empowered and "handy" because we were all girls accomplishing these things.

The weekend was full. We went right away with canoes down to the Henry Fork of the Snake River, and floated peacefully and gently along, with only a few squirmishes on the trip, mainly due to really shallow spots or fiendish rowers seeking excitment. No one tipped though, so I had to jump in all by myself at the end of the trip.

That night we talked, ate dinner, and I attempted to brag about my fire making skills. Until about three hours into it when we still had no fire. No real fire. To be honest, and to try to rid myself of the shame, as soon as I had a little fledgling fire going, someone stacked four huge round logs on it, none of us knowing how incredibly wet these logs were. By the time I realized we would have to start over, I knew everyone else was done waiting for fire and had lost all confidence in my skills, making it even more impossible for me to make it. We did enlist the help of a frozen lasagna package and gasoline, but were still unable to get this soaking wood to light. So we roasted starbursts and smores around a smoking, pathetic fire with no heat, then went in and got giggly.

Okay this journal entry is getting long. I just wanted to say it was a great time. The next day we went four-wheeling down to Big Springs, and I saw meese! I had asked nature to show us meese and otter the day before on the river, and figured the bird shadow flying over me had been a good omen saying it would happen. It did! 4-wheeling we saw two baby, maybe year old meesen eating trees on the side of the road. Cool.

We talked and ate and ate and ate, played games, and went into West to eat, buy cool jackets, and see the Playmill present Beauty and the Beast (Belle actually commented on how cute my new jacket was). The play was awesome and hilarious, the conversation equally so, and all around I just realized that there are many girls my age still single, and we rock. I have felt so alone, and without friends, since my friends went away or moved on with life, but this was wonderful and I made new friends, and they certainly got to know me better than most people know me on this short little trip. There was butt-grabbing and boob talk and sharing of past boyfriends, and talking of future goals, and hopes and worries, and testimonies, and missions (we were all returned missionaries) and it was just a wonderful reminder that people are amazing.

And that I need people. As I thought about coming home to my basement apartment that I never leave, and the aloneness of my life, I thought how nice it would be to have a family. How nice to have those wonderful people
I just had surrounding me all weekend, be a part of my life everyday, that I came home to and called and did things with and kicked out of the bathroom. It made me all the more determined to make that happen somehow. And all the more grateful for all my friends that do give meaning to my life and remind me how great life can be. If you are reading this, you are probably one of those people, so thank you.

I love you. And you are not alone.

Dragon Training

2010-05-24T23:16:00.001-06:00

I saw How to Train Your Dragon yesterday, all by my onsie. It was my favorite ever. I want a dragon. I want Hiccup. But I especially want to train for something meaningful. I have yet to decide if I am training to be a dragon, or be worthy of a dragon, but either way it means some intense training. So.

What it looks like:

1. Getting up at the crack of dawn, to watch the dawn, do yoga, and read scriptures.
(that's what it should look like. What actually happened today: Set alarm for 5:13, saw that it was raining and no dawn was apparent, and stayed in bed another hour. Then groggily got up to get ready for work at 6:30, no dawn, no yoga, no happiness. A blizzard instead awaited me.)

2. Battling the elements. I got hit with rain, snow, wind, sleet, mud, and sun today. I had to pack in this, drive in this, walk in it, wait in it, you name it! I felt like a real ninja.

3. Working 13 hours on my birthday. Not ideal, but a real warrior doesn't complain, doesn't shirk duty. I may have complained, but I didn't shirk. I didn't seek out more duty, but I didn't shirk the duty I had.

4. Running at 9 PM because I didn't do yoga in the morning. I wanted to be outside somewhere pretty, but I was hoping to catch the waning sunlight before it went down. Didn't have time, due to a stop at the cemetery to celebrate Wilford Smoot's birthday (100 years before mine)with flowers, so I I had to run in semi-darkness. Still wanted outside though, pretty, so I went to the bench trail thing on the mountain. That thing kills me when I'm in shape; my first time running in about a year it was maybe not the best re-introduction to the sport. But as I set off in the moonlight, I thought, a dragon warrior gains strength from the moon, and isn't afraid of hills and mud. So I ran, and ran, then walked some up a hill, then ran some more, etc. and it was pitiful in comparison to the old running days, but I felt strong and proud tonight.

Yoga tomorrow though.

5. Making things happen by sheer power of mind. I've been frustrated that I can't drive at work and felt that things needed to change. Today, things changed. They re-submitted my name for the insurance and for some inexplicable reason I passed. I drove out to my desert today and was able to drive back in alone, one of my favorite things. The freedom, the roads, delight. What shall I make happen next?

6. Humility, love, learning, scriptures, forgiveness, courage, discovery, these are all parts of the dragon training. I made a new blog to document the adventure this next year will be. Please check it out and offer comments, feedback, advice, what have you, all geared towards making me a fit dragon/dragon warrior/dragon haver.

http://onbecomingascientist.blogspot.com/

Namaste

101 Posts!

2010-05-24T22:56:00.000-06:00

This is my 101st post on this blog. I just saw it as I got on here to blog about something else, and felt it was a momentous enough occassion to give it a separate spot. Yeah numerical meanings! Yeah posting! Yeah!

One Hour Makes All the Difference

2010-05-17T22:52:00.000-06:00

Have you ever noticed that early in the morning or late at night, an hour becomes a huge leap of time? While the shift from 1:00 to 2:00 PM might pass without a second notice, and 7-8 is just a TV show or two, going to bed at midnight and going to bed at one seem wholly unsimilar, and waking up at 5 or at 6 can make a difference in your whole day.

I noticed just this phenomenon after last night's fitful slumber. That is not how you spell fitfull. hmm. is it even a word? I would just use spell check but in this new format I don't have it. Darn.

Anyway, off topic. As I was saying. On Saturday morning I awoke naturally at some time before daybreak. I was just lying there in bed, and suddenly I was consious and aware of the bird chirping outside my window. It was peaceful. Because it was still dark, I knew it was pretty early yet, as the sun begins to make its presence known between 5 and 5:30 these days. Early meant I did not have to get up soon, which was pleasant. I lay there, and glanced out my window at the world, with just the beginning tinges of light starting to show, then looked at my clock and saw it was about 4:45. As I lay there, I began to get this tingle of excitement. I did have to get up somewhat early that day, to get to work and finish in time to meet my family in salt lake for a day of wandering and house shopping. I was stoked to see the fam, as always, and as I lay there thinking about it, I became more and more awake.

I had many pleasant thoughts. I've been super stressed lately, trying to figure out what to do with myself, and usually this stress makes itself known by me purposefully avoiding thinking about my future or anything further than that day, pointedly blanking about any sort of decision-making that may be necessary. But Saturday morning I thought about things, and life just seemed so all-around pleasant and agreeable that I felt hope and excitement for everything. Truly there is something magical about a dawn about to break, and almost I wanted to get out of bed to see it. I thought of going to work right then, but realized that I couldn't and I would have to wait. Eventually I fell back asleep until 7 or so when I got up.

But you see how pleasant that was? Life was happy and hopeful. I had purpose and meaning, even if it was just to appreciate a new day.

Contrast this with my experience last night.

I ate a looooot of food this weekend. What with the rents in Salt Lake and then Sunday being my typical out of control, eat a ton to get me through church and being at home, and the roommate dinner of goodness, I was pretty well stuffed when I went to bed. I don't sleep very well, I've discovered, when I eat a lot before bed, especially sugar. So this morning, I awoke after some crazy nightmare where I was actually in an action-movie, following along some Bourne like character that was fighting for our lives, and I had no fear that he could be hurt, but quite a bit of fear that I could be. At some point my man ran in a room and I was left to hide in this closet while zombie things chased me, and I was sure they would get me. Somehow they didn't, but then I couldn't find the guy and he'd seemed to abandon me.

At this point I woke up, sad, scared, and uneasy. What an odd dream! And then I felt weird, and I looked at my clock, and it was 3:23. An odd forboding came over me, and I cursed the time as though it had personally offended me. It somehow seemed the very worst thing that could happen to me that I would wake up at 3:23. And I was instantly untired, though extremely grumpy and panicked about not being tired. I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep, and it would ruin my day, and then I thought, well why does it matter? My day doesn't matter! And then I started thinking about my life and what I should do, and I felt like the biggest loser in the history of the world. I thought of my upcoming birthday, I thought of my lack of money, I thought of letting everyone down, I thought a myriad of awful, hopeless, gloomy thoughts. There was no excitement for the day here. No enthusiasm or tingle. I was miserable, and lay restlessly, trying to force my self to sleep amid insults and threats hurled my way by my own disturbed brain. After a while I checked the time again only to see an hour had gone by. Curses again! The insult! The injury! This was the end of the world. I gave in by reading a book until I calmed down and fell asleep, but my morning was much less happy and it took quite a while to pick myself up out of the slum I slid into in the night.

So my point is, what a difference that hour makes. I like morning. If I could just get out of bed and hie myself outside, I would love to wake with the sun everyday and I think the magic of the time would do wonders for me. But there is something unlawful about the 2-3 AM hours. On rare occassion they should be seen, but in general it is a mystic time of no good, and it surprised me how it attacked me this morning. Soon I hope to drift peacefully off to sleep, aided by a slight hunger that will keep the churning, digestive stomache to a minimum. And I hope to learn to conquer this unruly time of night in the future.

Something good about Mondays

2010-05-10T10:15:00.000-06:00

Today I thought- I love Mondays. This unusual statement stemmed from checking my blog, only to see that about 5 people had updated theirs. I think this usually happens sometime during the weekend, when people have a chance to do something for fun. I liked it. I got to see some cute little kid pictures, hear about how my friends are doing, and remember that there are great things in life.

So I came to make just a simple little blog tribtue to Mondays, and then as I uttered the phrase to myself -" I love Mondays," with the feeling that this was perfectly normal and everyone would be on my side with this one, I remembered the ugly truth about this particular day.

Not many people like Mondays. Mondays are hard days. They mean work and responsibility and vacations over and get things done. They mean an abrupt awakening for many when they have had two days to sleep in. They are often met with rushed, frantic appearances and bloodshot eyes. While I acknowledge this and admit I have often cursed this retched day, today I think Monday is swell and I'll give a few more reasons why.

Mondays are new beginings. How many well-intentioned goals have fallen through at one point or other in the week, only to be recommitted to on Monday. "Well, I already blew that resolution, so I might as well let loose this weekend and start again Monday." I'm not saying that's a great attitude, but it is nice to have such a definite starting place to try again.

Mondays offer new perspective. If you have a job that is the same old thing everyday, maybe after being gone for two days you see things a little differently, before the drone of habits and patterns dulls your senses into oblivion.

For me, today, Mondays are beautiful because I worked a ton last week, and so far it looks like this week will be much calmer. So though I set my alarm, I got up half an hour after it went off. I did yoga, and then meant to go to work, but its raining and I thought...hmm, I'd rather not. So I didn't. Instead I researched schools and thought about my future. I probably don't really have the time to do this, but at the begining of the week, it seems like I have so much time, might as well waste some, right? thank you monday, for hiding from me all I need to get done this week.

Yes, that will do. Thank you Monday for the gift that is you. I hope everyone has a spectacular day.

Horoscopes

2010-05-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

I thought this was encouraging. It's good to know the stars are on my side.

You will have a chance to reconnect with one or two old friends from the past and make plans to do things together in the future.

Two more eclipses are due to fall in the same family of signs, so clearly the way you make money and how you manage it is shifting day by day. Eclipses are known to take things away and bring on sudden endings, but they also bring unusual opportunities and fresh starts, too. You do have lots of reasons to feel you will find more money if you lost a source.

The fact that Saturn will move ahead on May 30 is good news, for it means that finally you'll be able to figure out which path to take to find new sources and how to deal with present financial obligations.

For now, you seem to be coping with the home, other property, and real estate matter. This will be a relief on many levels - your health will improve, your confidence will return, and you won't feel so stuck, unsure of which way to go, if indeed you do, which seems possible, dear Gemini.

Know that no matter when your birthday falls, you are nearing the end of a 1,000-mile journey. Saturn in hard angle to the Sun is considered a hefty, difficult aspect, and you've shouldered this since September 2007. It's been a long road, dear Gemini, but it is about to the end. This is one ending you'll be happy to see.

The new moon May 13 happens to be one of my favorites of the year. It will reach out and send a kiss to Jupiter (healing), Saturn (long-term benefits), and Uranus (surprise). What a lineup! You can use this new moon to begin a new chapter in your well being, so don't delay! If there is a new exercise routine you wanted to try to increase fitness, this is your moment to do so. Because the new moon is in Taurus, a fixed sign, routines you begin now will be ones you'd likely stay faithful to over time. If you have been vowing to eat more nutritiously, begin to turn over a new leaf. It is a time of fresh starts and for deleting old, outworn behaviors that aren't doing you any favors. I love this new moon!

If you feel life has been same-old for too long, you have a really different and very encouraging planetary energy to look forward to in coming months. You'll have a better shot at finding or enjoying love, and to enjoy the company of friends

I'm a spaz

2010-05-05T21:54:00.000-06:00

Ah crap. I don't think I can add pictures now. Not that I use them so very much, but I have goals of enhancing my blog with photo soon. But I don't have a place to do it anymore. Or spellcheck. Lindsey!!!! Help!!!! If you do I'll come to Vermont and ride back with you.

Also, it was reaffirmed to me that I am a spaz. I may be turning 28 this month, but as far as social skills go I'm barely on par with a 7 year old. Julie, do you remember when we made all those thread bracelet things and then wanted to sell them? We got really into making these bracelets and necklaces and such, and then we set up this table in my front yard and put everything on it and waited for someone to pass by. I lived on a fairly busy street, lots of cars but not a lot of walkers, so we waited a while, but eventually this guy came down the road. As soon as I saw that his passing was inevitable, I screamed and ran behind the house. Julie followed. That put an end to our enterprising business goals.

I think I do the same thing still. Mostly I am talking about guys and being around them. I seem to have never figured out how to do it. There are plenty of cute guys I encounter, but I have no idea how to interact with them, so I often just run away and avoid all contact. The other alternative to my running away is much more embarassing, and also much more common these days.

Again, I will refer to Julie as the expert witness to many of my absurd, obnoxious calls for attention. I had a crush on her older brother and an almost psychotic need to impress him. Whenver he was around, I struggled so hard to act like I couldn't care less what he thought, all the way watching every move to gauge his reaction to what I was doing; odd really, given that his reaction was never positive yet I continued doing what I was doing. I was loud and silly and could never think straight so whatever I said, loud though it was, made no sense, followed no logical reasoning, and had nothing to do with anyone else's comments.

This was just the behavior I exhibited working at Outback on Monday. There I was, casually going about my job with the coolest of demeanors, when in walked two field staff doing another transport. One staff was cute but I had never met him before; the second was none other than hotty mc-hotterson. Wow, I've never spelled that before. It looks weird. Anyway, this guy is smokin' and also amazingly wonderful. I worked with him...three years ago now? Anyway, at work I saw a wonderful, deep, thoughtful side of him that makes him delightful, but he is also a horrendous tease and was always joking around with the female staff. This is not the type of guy I am interested in. He was obviously too cool for me. But he always teased me too, and try as I might, I could never help but grin the biggest smile whenver he talked to me. It was like I was under a spell, and I was embarassed everytime because I thought he could see how I was completely smitten.

Well, anyway, three years have passed and turns out we've both returned to Outback for a bit. And in he walked, beautiful as ever, cracking jokes, cool, calm, collected. And what the hell was I doing? No idea. Talking loudly to the girl I was working with. Moving in exagerated, eratic ways designed I suppose to illicit attention, and possibly perform a dance move as well. I wouldn't put it past me. I'm sure I immediately started sweating. I told exuberant stories and tried to amp up my outdoor knowledge, probably more for new guys benefit since he hadn't worked with me before. Honestly, I was shaking my head at myself, but couldn't get under control until they left.

Is this pathetic or what? And humorous, I suppose. I don't really care what they think. Like, I could never see them again and it wouldn't matter to me. So it's odd that I can't just talk reasonably with people and not act like a deer in headlights. But somehow there's this part of me that becomes a handicapped toddler around boys, and I'm not at all surprised to find myself in the situation I am in. Why do I fall to peices like that? I just don't know. I guess I just laugh at myself and think that's what it means to be human, but honestly. what the deuce?

P.S. I have quit Telos and am OVERJOYED at that, and have worked at Outback everyday this week, so things are picking up there to make up for the other job. Plans are incredibly sketchy for the summer but shoot, when are they not for me? It's part of my spaziness. Right?

Lindsey is a Genuis

2010-04-29T21:31:00.000-06:00

It worked! So my other blog page had a link at the top that allowed me to sign in and do things from there. I never knew about coming to this main home page. Lindsey has saved me, on this and so many other occassions. Let me list a few here.

Lindsey helped me get music for the videos i made. I don't understand computers or the different format media files come in, and she guided me.

Lindsey also designed our other blog and walked me through that process.

Lindsey faithfully comments on all of my posts. I love having comments on my posts, and it means so much that she reads them and lovingly remarks upon them.

Lindsey is always up for a good chat. Especially good when you need to rant about boys, dreams, frustration, life, confusion, and any other topic of despair. She brings up interesting points that help you feel understood, but also like you overlooked some things. She is good to talk to about non-despairing things too, anything really, She is witty and carries a conversation in the most wonderful way.

Lindsey satisfies my pumpkin needs on a yearly basis.

Lindsey is in Law School. What could say genuis more than that?

Lindsey is very calm and patient and fair-sided.

Lindsey is hilarious.

Linsey is brave and inspires others to be so as well.

Lindsey saved my frienship with smalls by getting rid of a cat for me.

Lindsey stopped me from spending 8 hours with the man I love and his girlfriend. Though I didn't quite listen and had to endure 1 hour, that was much more do-able than 8.

Lindsey knows Fleetwood Mac and Bob Seger.

There are so many more ways that Lindsey is amazing, too many to list here. Though I should mention she introduced me to hyperbole and a half, which is hilarious. She has filled my life with joy on so many occassions, and I hope she will continue to do so.

I love you, and hope things are going well. When are finals over for you?

Change

2010-04-27T18:23:00.003-06:00

So I was reading Dan's blog, and it was lovely, and then I closed his and looked at my own, and the light hurt my eyes. So I decided I needed to change it, and went to get one of those fancy shmansy ones but I don't know how to apply it. So any help would be great. in the meantime, maybe I'll mess around with my coloration a little. I'm just in class, nothing better to do :)

Chicago Thoughts

2010-04-27T17:45:00.001-06:00

“I just flew in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty pretty...” Name that movie!!

Chicago was great. I absolutely loved the whole trip and I’m so glad we were able to go. I saw neat things. I felt neat. But most importantly, I thought neat things. Hopeful, inspiring things that I haven’t thought for a long time. Chicago taught me to dream again. To believe in myself and in my ability to make things happen. Cloud Cult may have done more for me than Chicago, or maybe it was the wonderful combination. Either way, here are a few thoughts I had while adventuring around the windy city.

1. There are a lot of people in the world. I knew this. But I didn’t understand until I was surrounded by them all, and aware of so many more humans living and breathing all around me. It was like there was an energy to the city, made of all the united life that existed in such a small space. I felt it on the “L,” as I walked around downtown, as I looked at the crazy tall buildings.

And I thought of how God knows each and every one of these people, and it made me a little overwhelmed for Him, and a little ashamed of my mini fits of drama or despair. People have so many diverse lives. The lady sitting next to me on the train with her child, her face hardened and dangerous from living and protecting this young one in such a large city, knows such a different existence than me. The two young guys coming back from class to go who knows where, talking about drinking and how they feel more mature than other people, know a much different life than me. Many of these people cannot even fathom the way I live. We are just so different.

So to think that God is so very interested in the minute details of my life, that He has a specific plan for me to stay in this state, working this job and living this way, it seems silly. His children live all over, do all sorts of things, struggle just to survive, and He cares about them all. But He doesn’t tell any of them that there life is wrong, that they’re doing it wrong. I can’t explain very well, but it was interesting.

2. Utah is small! This was felt immediately upon landing in Salt Lake City, and looking out at the vast, uninhabited valley that would be chalk full of buildings if this were Chicago. And somehow I didn’t like it. What was this one long stretch of habitation stuck in the middle of nowhere? What was it doing? So odd. I don’t want to live in downtown Chicago, that’s not what I’m saying. But I think I’m over Utah. Though it’s been so good to me.

3. I learned the power one man can make if he is dedicated to what he does and passionate about it. Listening to Cloud Cult is like a religious experience for me. Seeing Craig walk out on that stage and start setting up was holy, and I couldn’t understand how everyone could just sit and talk around me, hardly even paying attention. Then the whole band came out, and they were so familiar and exactly as I expected. I guess I feel like I know them from their documentary, so everything just made me feel at home. They started playing their songs, and the whole crowd knew the songs immediately, and cheered and clapped and sang along for the entirety of the show. I think this would normally have frustrated me, but I sang right along with them, tears in my eyes.

I was one person back from the front row, eyes riveted the whole time, swaying in the music and wondering how this group can touch people so profoundly. Seeing them “in real life” (IRL) brought me to life in a way that not much else has. I really felt I was waking up for the first time in a long time. Is that weird? Like this was a moment I wanted to be present for, because I wanted to remember it forever.

This was a common feeling for the rest of the trip. Remembering that sense of aliveness, and also very much wanting to stay alive, Smalls and I had to be very alert wherever we went in the city. So we planned each day thoroughly, and then when we went out, we paid attention. We saw everything around us, and we observed the people. It was my favorite thing to wonder about the people we saw, where they were going, what there everyday life was like that included a ramble through downtown Chicago. I experienced everything, and it was a unique and delightful feeling. If only I felt that much awareness and excitement about everyday of my life. If only I felt every person I pass in Provo were worth my time, my observation. And if only every expression of humanity could be as meaningful to me as the one I saw from Cloud Cult.

4. It is time to change my life. I laid awake each night and thought about my life back home. There is nothing that I care about in it. I work at one job that is nice but uneventful, and another that I hate and have therefore quit, thanks to this clarifying experience. I go to school for a program I feel lukewarm about at best, and have always informed people of with an almost apologetic or ashamed tone to my voice. There is no excitement, no passion. I could move on tomorrow and never have a second thought. And though I have great friends in Provo and the surrounding areas, they are not people I will spend the rest of my life with. I just keep waiting for my life to start for me to sit up and take notice, but I think it’s time I started my own life and fall in love with it. Time I persued my dreams and made my life what I want it to me.

So this train of thought usually leads me to the despairing realization that I don’t know what I want out of life and am therefore lost and clueless. This is not true. There are things I love to do and want to immerse myself in. I have just never believed in my ability to be any good at them. I’ve been so afraid of not being enough my whole life, of being judged and found wanting, that I stopped trying things so I wouldn’t have to deal with the failure.

I love to write. I do a shoddy job of it on here, because it’s nice to have a place to rant and spew thoughts in no random order at all. A part of me thinks I am no good at writing anyway, and that’s why I gave up the dream in high school. There is absolutely no evidence of this. I have excelled in every English class I’ve taken, passed every paper I’ve written with very little effort. I do believe my education was a joke and I skated by on very little effort, so its not that I’m amazing and wouldn’t have challenges. But nothing that has happened should ever have convinced me I couldn’t do something to make money with words. Some writing jobs you do not, in fact, have to be amazing to get by.

I also love music. This is more of a sticky subject. I don’t believe I will ever make a dime playing music. But I do believe I want to join up and create with others. Luckily my brother has a new vision of us in a band together. I am currently giving him voice lessons, and once we get some stuff worked out we’ll fuse our musical stylings for something that, if it happens, will have no alternative than to be truly unique. I want an electric guitar and I want to scream on stage, to pour out everything I’ve got. Just some, you know? I want to get good at other instruments too, and go to jams with John and do so much more, and I want to stop being afraid.

I think it’s also time to stop picking professions that will allow me to be a mom. That’s sort of what led me to the idea of teaching and counseling; great job for a parent should I need to work. This is not pity party, this is just realistic. I’ve attempted to save all this time to spend with a family, but without family it’s just empty time that reminds me of what I don’t have. Going to another state and working a job that did not remind me every day that I am not fulfilling my eternal mission would be just lovely. So perhaps I am dropping this program and most likely I am leaving Utah very soon. She’s done me well these last ten years. But ten’s a nice celebratory number appropriate for moving on and letting go. Letting go of all the half-forgotten dreams, the lessons learned that are now a part of me and will come with me wherever I go, letting go of broken hearts and unfulfilled fates.

2010-04-04T08:53:00.002-06:00

Oh it is a beautiful day. The sun is out, I'm with my family, and life is beautiful again. After Tuesday I decided I need more control in my life, so I started getting up early (5:30!!) to do yoga before work. It helped so much. I need to get running again and moving, cause that always helps. I really really need to go camping, just sleep outside or something.

I didn't have much to say, just wanted something happier. So on a happy note, here is a funny quote from this morning. I was wearing my long sweater like a bathrobe. I don't like bathrobes and never wear them, but its cold and i enjoyed my sweater. When I came downstairs, my mom said,

"There's a bathrobe upstairs you know"

To which Chris responded,

"You fartin' up a storm Shena?"

Ha ha! He thought she said there's a bathroom upstairs and that I needed to avail myself of it. I love my family.

Commitment

2010-03-30T20:01:00.003-06:00

I am in class right now. We were talking about leadership and qualities of leaders. I've been learning and remembering some things about myself as a leader as I get acclimatized to my new job. In some ways I'm a good leader; in others I struggle and need to get better. We went over this list of traits and rated ourselves, and one in particular stood out to me.

Commitment.

I believe I am the antithesis of commitment. I just took a break to discuss a project we're doing with a classmate, and the last words I said were "I'm giving up." An illustration of my point.

I am not commited to my new job. I have a conversation in my head everyday of what I will say when I tell them I'm not staying, which I plan to do soon, when I commit to burning that bridge. I am not commited to staying in Provo-I keep talking about getting out- but I am not commited to leaving-I exert very little effort to find a job elsewhere or set up a future for myself somewhere else.

I am not commited to my program. Last week I went into a frenzy thinking I was dropping out and heading into a different field. I don't ever want to work full time. Or if I do I want to love my job. That has happened very few times in my life, though it has happened. So I gravitate back towards that happy field, but its not a career. Apparently I need a career.

I am not commited to paying off my debt or saving money for cool things. I want to get a bike and start mountain biking. I want to run a half marathon. I want to go sky diving. I want to play the banjo and fiddle. I do nothing but feel frustrated at my life. I'm in a funk now so this is all more negative than my usual perspective, but I'm certainly feeling negative right now.

I am not commited to getting over obsessions that have plagued me for a long time. I am not commited to yoga. Or reading scriptures. Or eating healthy. Or anything else I want to do. It's like I lost control of my life. And I feel desparate, and in need of shaking up, and impulsive. I want to commit. To something. I just can't choose what, and then I cant control myself to stick to it.

Cant cant cant.

Problem? : I don't believe in anything. Nothing in my life seems worthwhile. Nothing matters. So I wish I could just let go of it all and go enjoy myself. If I am to be meaningless, lets enjoy it eh?

I am, apparently, not commited to life. How horrible.

Next week, I hope, my post will be much different. Excited, hopeful, enthusiastic. Cloud Cult couldn't come at a better time. Hormones are bad. I am bipolar and very much ruled by the moon. That's all. My apologies for the pity party.

Love-Take 1

2010-03-19T23:15:00.002-06:00

Love is a funny thing. There are a lot of different kinds of love. Right now I'm talking about friendship kind of love, which is sometimes simpler and sometimes much more complicated than romantic type love.

When I moved into my new place, I had two roommates who I didn't see very much. I stayed back in my deluxe bedroom suite, content with my turtle and private bathroom. It's not that I didn't want to befriend my new roomies; I talked to them, and quickly realized that we were nothing alike. Especially the one I saw the most. She went to school to do hair and does it as a side job. She is very into sports but also very unsure of herself and covers it up with a lot of talk. She acts knowledgeable about a lot of things, and offers advice and opinions that I never ask for. Not long after moving here I thought-I am not living here long. I need new roommates. Cause that's what I do. I judge, and then attempt to flee.

My other roommate left and a new girl moved in. She's the one with the dog. She's also 19 and also went to some sort of beauty school. Wants to work at a spa. She wears pink and dresses up and has missionaries and in all other ways seems the complete opposite of me. My hair dresser roommate started to seem like best friend material in comparison to this one. And I thought-I really gotta get out of here. I do not belong here.

I had no desire to hang out with them, and felt no insecurities about them not liking me. I didn't care if they did; I didn't like them. Isn't that a great way to see people? I even thought of how smallcomb would cope in this situation. She would love them. She would try to help them with the constant boy drama, as well as help them be stronger in the gospel, instead of judging them for their weaknesses. Ah, but that's smallcomb. I will never be like her. I am a jerk. Didn't my mission teach me that?

But then a funny thing happened. This aggressive little 19 year old forced us to go out to eat for roommate bonding. I resented it. I tried to get out of it by saying it was too expensive. I had no desire to go, and felt offended by her "manipulative" ways, as I saw them. She was always asking what I was doing, where I was going. Apparently she thought we should always be together and be aware of what's going on. Like I thought, when I was a freshman, ten years ago. Why didn't she see that we would never be best friends? That we were nothing alike? That I sort of disdain her way of living?

I don't know why, but she didn't see it. And she didn't get the vibe I tried to put out. We went to dinner, at the Brick Oven, of all places, which I hate. And it was fun. And then we went home and watched American Idol together, which I also have hated in the past but am now addicted to. And we have watched other things, or sat around talking, or gone to church activities. We plan on making meals together occassionally, and share each others successes and heartbreaks. And where before it was always awkward and uncomfortable with roommates, it is now home. We share a blanket on the couch. We complain about boys or work. I still feel like neither one of them listens to anything I say, and they have no comprehension of what I do all day when I'm not here. But when I am here, I am among friends. Yes, friends.

And I realized that she isn't trying to control me. She's trying to love me. And I'm finally letting her. And its bringing me closer to my other roommate. And I look forward to seeing them sometimes. I look forward to watching Idol and laying around at our newly instated "book club" where girls just come over in their jammies and we eat snacks and read books. I really love these girls, and see how they are amazing at what they do. And that they are great because they are unique, just like I am. We are nothing alike. We never ever will be. And that's okay.

Isn't love a funny thing?

Togetherness

2010-03-12T22:40:00.003-07:00

Telos

2010-03-10T22:01:00.002-07:00

A couple years ago I met a guy named Scott. He was cool. He worked for a residential treatment center for troubled youth, so we had something in common. About a year ago, I asked him about programs that he knew of that were cool, as I was looking for work and didn't know where to go. He recommended this program called Telos, a place that trains kids to do triathlons as part of the core treatment. He was super excited about the place; I thought it sounded weird. So I didn't apply.

Until a month or two ago, when I was in desperate need of work and even considered working at Wal-mart. Lets restate that. I applied at Wal-mart. They just never called me back. So I applied at every residential I could find, not knowing if they were hiring or not. It took about a month, but in the last two weeks three of these places contacted me for interviews.

The first interview was for the state jv program. Didn't go great, and I didn't get the job. The second was at Maple Lake Academy, a small program for girls with learning disorders. Interview was fine, except the girl had the flu and felt like she had to puke the whole time. Once I went to the place, I wasn't super excited about working for them, and it seemed like chaos in the house, but I needed work. Then I got a call from Telos last Wednesday- could I come in for an interview that day?

Really? same day? but I rearranged my schedule and went in. Right before the interview I got the email from Maple Lake that they hired someone already in the company. So I went to Telos knowing this was my last shot, but also totally unsure what would happen.

There were a lot of people there when I got there, which threw me. I don't like a lot of competitors. But the guy interviewing me took me back to his room, a wilderness room covered in skills like possibles bags, drums, flutes, bows, all sorts of familiar gadgets. He had worked at Anasazi with my old field director, so we had a connection. I felt pretty good about the interview, and became incredibly excited about the job. As I left the place, I realized I was tingling. Excited, as I had been all day.

It's a sign!! I thought.

I am supposed to work here. They do humanitarian work in third world countries. I've wanted to start a program like that. They do other cool things. They go snowboarding. It sounded great. And the fates had combined to make this happen. Wednesdays are my lucky days, connections happened, the exciting cloud weather meant good things were coming my way, and I even read my horoscope, which promised career opportunities were coming unlike any I'd ever seen that would change my life. No, the message was clear. Herein was my destiny.

I got a call the next day to come in for a second interview. Eureka! I'm in! And yet...slight doubt because that meant others were just as good, so far. But still, I was confident. It was my destiny.

But wait. You may be remembering a previous post of mine (unlikely, but possible), titled "Fates Be Damned." I don't believe in destiny, right? I don't believe in fate. You get what you work for, and make what you get work. And yet, so many things in my life that work seem to come about not by any supreme effort of my own, but by chance, and usually fairly easy for me. So "it's meant to be" really means "just worked out that way. I didn't have to do anything, cause i'm a lazy git."

Anyway, what happened next really highlighted this dilemma. I went to the second interview. And was totally thrown off my game. Honestly, I felt funky all day. I had to stare out my window at the sunset before, to try and calm myself down and center; I even did some yoga balancing poses to try and balanced my out of whack life. I was nervous, and I realized I wanted this job like I haven't wanted much. But why? I hadn't wanted it before...was it just because fate told me to want it?

Back to the story, I went to the place, couldn't find a way in, ended up walking in late to a group meeting with two students, three staff, hiring girl, and two other interviewees. No one introduced anyone though, as they had already started, so I had to just observe to figure all that out about who was who. Everyone but the interviewees were asking questions and writing stuff down, judging us.

This is no good. I turned into a jibbering idiot. Knowing the outcome, you may be thinking i'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad. I promise you, it was that bad. I said everything wrong, with absolutely no confidence, and made no sense. I laughed in the midst of one explanation and said I had no idea what I was talking about and could they repeat the question. The only leg up I had was that the other two had no experience in this field. I have a plethora of it, but I didn't even talk much about it or my experience to answer the questions. When people ask me a question, I answer it, as honestly as possible, just that question, just what they asked. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I walked out of there knowing it was over. (honestly though, I also knew I would get it. FATE man!) I felt horrible, and I thought about how hell is described as knowing you could do better. I made all these comparisons about life being that interview, and how you're all excited to prove yourself before, and then you get there and think...what the hell am I doing? And you know you're messing it up but you can't think straight and you can't make it better. Then its over and you watch and think-I knew better than that. I knew exactly what to do/say there, I just didn't. I sabotaged myself.

And I literally felt drained, and worthless, and depressed thinking these things. Like I wasn't a good leader, like I'm not assertive enough for this, like I'm in the wrong profession and should look into filing or something. And I wondered why I let other people's opinions matter to me, why I doubted myself just because others couldn't see who I was. Honestly, I was in despair. But then at work, I had the neatest experience. Just one of those "climb out of my mind and get back in my body, in the present" moments that are so beautiful. I did crawl out of my mind, I looked at my shadow and asked my body what it thought of me. And it told me I was great. That I'm awesome at leading, at youth, and caring; I just suck at interveiwing. and it told me I care too much what other people think. That I try to climb in their heads to see what they see, and that I never can. And I tried to explain to my body that I needed to know what others think, that that is what society teaches us, to see what others see and thus regulate our actions.

I saw a cat and a teaching moment was truly born. "Look at that cat" I thought. "I want that cat to know that I like cats, so that it can trust me. And I have to match my actions to my knowledge of a cats reaction, and how it will interpret certain actions. I need to think in its head for a bit to know what to do to communicate." And then the brilliant lesson-
"ah, yes. But whether the cat understands you or not, whether it believes you mean it no harm or whether it continues being scared, you still know you like cats. You don't doubt it. You don't question yourself. You don't beat yourself up. What you are is not affected by that cat's reaction."

Do you see? Anyway, it was great to me. And for the rest of the day and into today, I felt so happy. I loved myself. I knew that I was good at things, and not good at other things, and it didn't matter. I knew that if they didn't hire me, I would find something else, and I would hopefully portray myself better next time, but I was fine with who I was. Such a great lesson.

So now, I feel better about myself. But a little confused on my stance on fate. Because I had given up on fate, and I really do think things just happen because they do, that you just gotta follow your own course. But after that disastrous interview, there's nothing but fate that could have gotten me that job. Its like I did everything in my power to stop it and it still happened! that's gotta mean something. And what about smalls and her "feelers"? They've never led her astray. But maybe thats just cause she's amazing and can have success wherever she goes?

This was really a journal entry. and just some musings of mine on this issue. But it felt good to get it out. So I got the job. And now I've vested so much emotional energy into it I feel sort of blah about the whole thing. Yeah, that's cool. I hope I like it though. I hope its a good program. I hope I really don't mind staying in provo, and that one day i can get out. I really am happy though, I think. Just had a long day and I'm really tired. But cool. This is cool.

Reunions

2010-03-07T22:14:00.004-07:00

In the last couple of weeks I've been able to see a couple of really great friends that I haven't seen in a while. The thing I love is that no matter how long it's been, it always feels comfortable, like we were just roommates or have been hanging out for weeks. I've been thinking a lot recently about how important good friends are to me, how much I depend on these people who know me and accept me and love me.

Liz came for Lisa's wedding and we spent a fun day together, including our tradition-sushi and hot fudge peanutbutter shakes. The thing I enjoy about traditions like this is, they are an amazing excuse to do what you know you shouldn't. I'm trying to eat healthy but...tradition. No money, no excuse! Gotta do it anyway! So that's lovely, but even more, I just really love talking to Liz and getting her perspective on things. Stole the pic from you liz, thanks!

Charity and I lived together for three years. They were an awesome three years. We went through a lot. After seeing her I spent the night musing on our times, sitting on the hall floor talking, or grading papers. And though sooo much time has passed and a lot has changed, its still the same charity after all. We got each other through a lot.

And my desert. There's always a sense of home and belonging when I go back. This is actually a bit in front of my desert, from atop a mountain we were assessing for radio reception. But beautiful all the same.

More Funny

2010-03-07T21:48:00.003-07:00

Lets get some classic smallcomb quotes going.

"I'm grateful that men don't have leg pit hair."

"I smell infertility" ~smelling our new nalgenes

"It's his foo foo cuddley poops" ~ about her cat Shanks' dog toy which allows him to do death kicks

"Shena my Switzer, you have ripped my heart out and trampled it on the ground and stomped on it with your left foot"

"Oh right! oh, the red thing goes droopy" ~about the new utah license plate

"All you need to do is just suck on a tampon..." - exclamation from me,
"all I'm sayin is it'd work." ~ attempting to help my bleeding lip situation

"Your...forking arm?" ~said knowingly while nodding her head

"I will be your friend if...you...were a hat shaped like a PT cruiser" ~declaring her loyalty when i drove the dorky car

oh, a great conversation that started with Jackie's weird itching thing...things make her itchy. So Smalls and I went for a dip in this reservoir, and it was nasty and filled with mossy plants. and here's the conversation:

"I think the water would make Jackie itchy." ~smalls
"I think the mold in my breasts would make her itchy" ~me (the water was really shallow but we had to dunk ourselves)
"Its not mold, its moss!" ~Smalls
"Moldy boobs! that does make me itchy" ~Jackie, when I told her about it

"You're interdigitating with spongebob!"

"I was thinking a bison was a snake"

"I remember when I attacked poor Dallin with the obligatory date hug"

"In case I run into any other boys I know-I'll be able to fend em off" ~brandishing a tampon

"Maybe I'll train you to eat your dirties"

"If a man lose a chip, will he not leave the ninety and nine and go after the chip?"

"Oye with the poodles" I commented on this phrase, and she said
"that is because my life has turned upside down, because of these dogs"

"I want to go outside soooo bad-I have this itch, burning...that sounds so bad"

"Can we say for rootin'-tootin' shizzle?

"It wasn't snowing down here before" ~me
"No, it definitely wasn't" ~Smalls
"Or maybe it was..." ~me
"It may have been" ~Smalls

"Put that in your list of what you want in a man. Must tolerate lactose"

"I may be spazy, but at least I solve world hunger in my spare time"

"I'm a queasy mcqueaserson" then, a few minutes later-
"See, I don't ever get queasy"

"Don't pet the trash in my lap!" ~about the cupcake wrapper i was attempting to have speak to her

"What exactly would have happened?" ~me
"Mildew man!" ~Smalls
"oh. Sounds scary. what does he do?" ~me

"You're a real sleuth, reading clues left and right"

"that kermit, he's a real class act"

"You have to work on your mug hoisting if you're ever going to salon it"

"I don't want your butt ice"

Life Highlights

2010-02-20T23:58:00.002-07:00

Upon sharing those happy quotes from the game, which had been saved in my phone, I found other amusing quotes and antidotes, and thought I would share them. Hopefully they can convey the great joy they once brought to me.

My dad

"It's never appropriate to join someone at the urinal. And you don't ever get in the urinal. That's just the guy rule number three." Jan 10

This is in reference to my little brother's previous habit (years and years ago) of sniffing ...ha ha, I can't even type this without giggling. After someone farted, he'd sniff to try to find out who did it. We were discussing this particular peculiarity of my brother's and my dad said he had always wanted to tell Chris-
"you may be able to prove who did it, but the cost is not worth it" Dec 09

Discussing the beauty (or not) of Stevie Nicks

"If it weren't for her unfortunate nostrils..." Nov 09

Camping with the gilchrists, my dad and john attempted to high five-

"that was a horrible high five" ~my dad
"that was almost holding hands" ~John
"How gay is that?" ~ Marcia

"My socks are all twisted and it made me confused" may 09

At a restaurant, my dad was talking about what he thought my mom wanted to eat-

"I don't know where they sell crap salad with rat poop sprinkles..and cheese that smells like death" ~dad
"tempting as that is..." ~mom

"What was that noise that just came out of me? Or was it you? It must have been you cause I didn't feel it." nov 09

"Whoring and cocaine. These are a few of my favorite things. Seriously." jan 09

Oh, after we cleaned the turtles tank out with bleach to get rid of the nasty buildup, my dad came running in all panicked and said-

"we should never have done it! I let my hatred of mold cloud my judgement." Dec 08

My dad is gay on rob thomas. Then he found another star he was gay on. Chris, after discovering this, said-

"you're not only gay, but you're hoe gay"
my dad's response-
"you calling me a sandwich?"

After my Ford was giving me problems, bucking all over the place, my dad told me to come home to switch it out. said he, with relish-

"then you can bring it up here and we'll get rid of the bucker." Aug 08

The whole family had been together for something, but when it was almost time to leave, my dad threatened us with his knife-

"I was talking to shawn. He can't leave if I gut him" June 08

I have so many more, but this is getting long so I think I will have to break it up. Smalls has a hefty section all to herself, and plenty of others have contributed to the quote journal. So, more to be continued...

Hockey Highlights

2010-02-20T23:49:00.002-07:00

"We're coming to a fight and a hockey game is breaking out"
Probably the most overdone joke in the book, but it tickles me right. My ridiculous second counselor said this, along with many other cliches, at the hockey game tonight that my ward went to. Boise State vs. BYU. A bunch of guys from my ward decided we were for Boise, so I went for it with all my might. We were the only Boise fans in the whole packed place, so everytime we stood up and cheered them on, everyone looked at us. But that made it fun. Plus the fact that Boise turned out to be the ultimate, underfunded underdog made it more exciting to root for them.

Less fun, going with the bishopric and guys that feel the need to bring church into hockey. A couple guys sat right behind the byu penalty box so they could harass the players when the got sent in there. But they didn't harass. And I had to listen to such comments as "if the bishopric wasn't sitting two rows up..." yeah right. if they weren't there you'd have another excuse. and then people yelling "are you going to pass the sacrament tomorrow?"

what? no. don't bring church to a hockey game. I guess then, don't go to a hockey game for church. I guess these are some low lights. I did really enjoy the comment by one guy, yelled roughly at a byu penalty player
"Is that what Jesus would do?"
While it still had the stigma of pansy priesthood, it was done with balls and I appreciated it. whoa, that's coarser than it should be on the eve of the sabbath but there it is.

I love the cheap food at hockey games. I loved the slams, the fights, the Boise guys facial hair. BYU just doesn't look right, with the
guys all clean shaven and neat haircutted.

I love that certain people are no longer employed at the Peaks so I can enjoy a hockey game in peace. I love that I check out every guy in that arena, yet never seem to find someone to even be interested in.

Are you done with hockey? good, me too. for now.

it is my favorite sport though. i think that needs to be said.

Small Town Delights

2010-02-16T19:30:00.002-07:00

I went home this last weekend. It was fun. There was drama, frustration, relaxing, love from the animals(a lot of love from pookie), rock band, walks, delicious chocolate-covered raspberries, bashing in walls and tearing off lathe and plaster (a very dirty, gruesome job, but also satisfying as you slam the mallet into the wall as hard as you can), pie eating, pizza eating, Olympic watching, and book reading. And then, this little jewel. As we watched the olympics Saturday night and Chris tried to stick with us despite absolutely no interest in the games, he opened up the local newspaper and began to read. Boy howdy, that thing is amazing. I shall be giving you weekly installments, so you can appreciate the wonder of small town writing.

The first exposure-a very witty and timely look at the emergency response capacities of Bear Lake's search and rescue team. Enjoy.

"Trainers hone emergency skills"

Some things were very similar-it was foggy, it was cold, and victims had to be found with safety the number one priority. Other things, however, were better than ever before.

This was the situation during the seventh annual Winter Search and Rescue Training Exercise organized by the Bear Lake County Sheriff's Office, Emergency Medical Services (EMS) and ambulance teams, Search and Rescue (SAR), Portneuf Life Flight, and Department of Homeland Security.

Also at the training were several members of the American Search Dogs, BEARS Radio, and "victims" that would be found before the day was over....

Lance...has been one of the driving forces behind organizing this and other training exercises like it for several years. Its purpose, he explains, is to get the area Emergency Medical Services working together to accomplish things they could never accomplish alone, such as successfully rescuing injured persons in the back country in winter conditions. Because the Bear Lake region has so many miles of back country recreational areas, [Lance] believes it is vital to train in the same types of situations in which emergencies can occur, to work together and coordinate resources."

To be continued...

(If you find the story boring, stop reading. But for those who, like me, can't help but mock such delightful attempts at English grammar, this story will be continued shortly. I do have to say, I have been having an exceptionally hard time stringing two sentences together. I'm blaming it on my mom's dropping a piece of wood on my head from her perch on the ladder when we were demolishing the house. I got a huge bump, and things just haven't been coming together quite right. At least, I'm hoping I can use that excuse for the pathetic paper I turned in today for school. "

Spring Fever

2010-02-05T09:43:00.002-07:00

AGHGHAGHGHGH! Spring does crazy things to me. Good things, I mean, I love it. I feel inspired, giddy, excited, hopeful, adventurous, crazy, all sorts of things and I'm revelling in it now, but also wondering what impulsive thing might take control of me. I've been envisioning all sorts of trips. My trip to Chicago, to Nebraska for the Switzer Family reunion, just wishing I could get all the way east to see Lindsey and Lizi.

Then I have all these plans-gotta get out of provo. I thought I did, but not really. I don't like my roommate really. I mean, she's great, but after the four months I have to live with her, I think I'll be done. And my apartment sucks me in. Third floor is too high; I can't just run outside when I want a sniff of fresh air, and that bothers me. So I'm envisioning what I can only describe as Calamity Jane's cabin, some well-lit home of cozy simplicity, where I can jaunt outside in the woods whenever I want. It's always light and warm because-its spring of course!!

And then I looked at places all around Utah I can move, and decided I needed to go south. Explore that territory. Hopefully meet up with the outdoor crowd, get into mountain biking, canyoneering, all sorts of things. good times. And surely i'll meet the man of my dreams down there, right? :)

This is the normal round of ideas for me in spring. Get out, see the world, do something new. I'm back into yoga and envisioning me as an instructor, outside of course, on some beautiful grassy hill. I want to sleep outside, and have seriously thought of quitting my program so I can work in the wilderness again. So, slightly troubling. But the new craze that came over me last night has me worried.

I was thinking of cutting my hair! what?!?!? I love it long. I've been admiring it in my shadow when I walk-the wind flowing through it. I love shadow hair. I love long hair. It was like coming back into myself to have long hair again. But, its so unhealthy due to my ...recent obsession. If i cut it, I could start new, letting it grow nice and healthy. the problem is, I want short. Like "Six Days Seven Nights" short, where its just all wild and all over the place. Then I want long. I don't want any of the in between, cause that's when I look like a goob. now, I don't think I will get crazy enough to actually go through with this plan, but I need help. Need support. guys, stop me in my madness before i do something too drastic to fix!

Ah spring, what will you do to me next?

Sharing

2010-02-01T00:08:00.002-07:00

Okay, I got this crazy idea, a while ago. I had a moment in time when I really wanted to share the songs I had written with people, wanted to get them out there just because. So I wanted to record me playing songs, and post them on here. Problem was, didn't know how to just record music. So I thought, fine, I guess video myself and post that on here. But for those of you who know my video posting drama, that is not an option for me. Somehow I'm incapable. All of this led me to my present insanity. So listen. If you are a real musician, and/or if you are going to be mean, I ask you to turn away now because I can't handle it. I know what I've done is absurd. I wonder what I could possibly be thinking, and I don't know. Maybe just one of those impulsive-got the idea and "now I gotta see it through" things. Whatever happened,I recorded some of my songs. At first I tried just recording my fingers cause I don't like the camera on me, but that was totally ridiculous. So I moved on to the whole me shot, and over the last year and a half have taped four of my songs, and now have posted them on youtube. Ha! No one has seen them; I think they remain blissfully hidden from anyone's eyes. But I am opening myself to you, if you want. This is a link to my latest song, written for Smalls when she left me. On the screen is my user name and a link that goes to my other songs, if interested. Just one more step on this journey, especially the path to overcome fears. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzC0a3CxHww

Why I love my dad

2010-01-25T17:13:00.004-07:00

This is the conversation I just had with my pops through text.

Dad: "sup with ur computer yo?"

Me: "Yo foo nothings up i figured it out. Peace homey. Sup with work?"

Dad: "busy day yo. all this hatein."

Me: "Poo man. Poo. Sorry for the hate all i got fo you is love"

Dad: "back atcha home girl"

need I say more?

Sun Valley with Smalls

2010-01-21T17:44:00.004-07:00

Last weekend I went to Sun Valley for the very first time to visit Smallcomb in her new place of residence. It was wonderful, and she really likes it there. We had relaxing night of catching up and eating dinner on Friday. Then saturday, we had somje delicious yogurt for breakfast. I apparently had some strong feelings towards this yogurt, but as you can see here, the end emotion was definitely pure joy and love.

This is the lovely combo brought about by Smalls' wonderful red pants and the green volunteer jacket she had to wear. Very stylish.

Yes, that is baldy in the background. After volunteering for a couple hours helping kids on the small mountain, we got to head over to this beaut for a bit. It was amazing. Top at eleven!

I'm not exactly sure why, but smalls and I now have this thing where we have to jump in freezing, snowy rivers. We've done it before, so its not that its new. Its just that this time, I went up there knowing she wanted to jump in this river. And knowing that I didn't want to. But off we went on our icy trek through the snow.

What were we thinking?!!! I know I was thinking-I don't wanna!

But I did. We didn't have our chacos, so we just wore socks in for the dip, then took them off and wore our boots on the trek back home. So the water was freezing, and ridiculously shallow, which makes this so much more complicated (I hit my head on the bottom!), but I am amazed at how not bad I felt right after. There was a panic to get our clothes back on, but then I was really pretty warm, and we felt fine enough to snap a couple photos, chat with Smalls' neighbor...really there's no feeling like it in the world. The tingle. ahh. I'm glad we did it.

Then a lovely tour of the city. We went into this quaint bookstore Sarah had wanted to see. bought two books and learned about some yoga fest going on in a couple months.

This is a tavern Smalls is familiar with. Looks just like her kind of place

She shrunk! Oh man, did we ever feel like tourists.

Made some new friends...

Check out the old lifts! They actually used to look like this, except they were right down on the run, in everyone's way. The first chair lift was used in Sun valley!

A great weekend, and I hope I get to go back soon. Thanks Smalls!

My new home

2010-01-21T17:26:00.004-07:00

For the first time in my adult life, I have my own room. And it was completely unfurnished to begin with, so I've had to acquire a lot of furniture. I acquired much of it from my parents, like this bookshelf. But, to make it my own, I decided to paint it. My mom helped me sand and paint this guy.

Then my parents helped me get a new bed! It's huge!!!! And oh my gosh, so comfortable.

Tuga!

I needed a nightstand, and ended up getting another little shelf from Wal-mart, cause I have so much stuff. But I had to put it together myself! Armed with my trusty junior mints, I finished the task, though it took me longer than I anticipated. Side note, junior mints have made some delightful candies shaped like hearts with red filling, and I highly recommend them. Like, ten times better than the normal candy (though some might argue that they taste the same...)

Ah, home sweet home :)

Things Guys Have Given Me

2010-01-13T13:41:00.003-07:00

I was laying in bed last night,...lying? I hate that whole lay/lie confusion. anyway, as I was saying, Last night as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, my mind began thinking of the presents I have received from guys. I don't know where this came from, but I thought it would be interesting. So I'll try to keep it in chronological order, and just see what happens.

Ah, its hard when I was young. I'm gonna insist that Kris Lightfoot gave me something. Wouldn't he have? He loved me! If only I'd been ready in kindergarten...I can't remember anything though.

Some fake diamond bracelet thing in 4th grade. Meant we were "going out". I wanted to break up with him shortly after he gave it to me, but then I didn't want to cause I didn't want to give the bracelet back. Funny thing is I don't even like jewelry. Maybe this experience is why. Too much pressure attached.

Oh, some hair things and I think one of those clips you used to put your shirt in, you know, to make it higher or tighter or something. Oh the 80's. Yeah, pretty sure they were stolen from my best friend Julie; her brother gave them to me. Thanks Julie.

hmm. Looking pretty bleak really. In high school I got a lot of candy from this boy. Couple of boys, they did those candy bar poster things. And food, obviously, my life has been full of free date food. That's a great gift, by the by.

A podium. And a plastic dinosaur toy. Good guy there.

A blight on my driving record and a broken heart. Not sure the ticket was his fault, but the heart was.

A rose. That was nice. If only he didn't try to kiss me too!

A flower. Itunes gift card. A keychain "rod of iron" with the words "to hold the key to my heart". Another broken heart, and a hefty dose of emotional baggage.

Two creepy CD's.

A knife sharpener and a bag of bones.

A box of pancake mix. Wind chimes made from spoons. Another broken heart.

A compass necklace and a cool CD. (If only he'd marry me! ;)
Clarification needed here. These are from a very cool guy, and I in now way wanted to sound sarcastic with that comment. I was referring to a semi-inside joke. And then as I thought, I remembered other things he has given me. Like my only serenade. And playdough. Awesome.

That's all I can think of right now. Obviously not including family or anything. If you ever need gift ideas, I think this is the ideal place to look. Lotta winners in here.

Posty posty

2010-01-10T18:59:00.002-07:00

If you are looking for something profound, look away now. ramblings, that's what this is.

My uncle died. It was very sad and touching all at once. How could I forget? We gathered in Montpelier for the funeral, and they honored him with a 5 gun salute at the cemetery. He got the respect in death that he deserved but didn't get in life. He may have been the only person close to me who died, but now I feel bad and if I remember someone else, I'll have to update. How morbid.

Right before Christmas I thought I was getting a ticket. I was going 40 in a 25, unintentionally, and when I realized it I slowed down, but the cop realized it at the same time and it was too late. He pulled me over, took my licence, and came back about two minutes later with a candy cane. It said "Merry Christmas" from the Provo Police. The policeman just told me to slow down. A Christmas Miracle!

While moving out of Stonebridge and into my new cush place in Orem, I backed my car lightly into another car. It was dark so I couldn't see what happened, but I felt the bumper and it seemed I had scratched it a little. I was sad, but decided to write a note, when I left. I stayed a while visiting with Jess, and as I was leaving, from a different parking spot away from the hit car, I thought...What if I just forgot to put the note on? Innocent enough. Except it can't be innocent if you're planning on forgetting. And I have this New Year goal (not written down anywhere, of course, but in my head) that I need to start doing what I should, and not doing what I shouldn't. That is impossible, but I mean, when I think "I should do this" I want to do it. When I think "I shouldn't do this" I want to not do it. So, as I thought about how I should leave my number, I realized I had to do it.

I did. And they never called! Another miracle!

Last night after I prayed, I thought, I need to wait and listen. I used to be much better at that. So I did. And the only thing I thought was that my mom was in trouble and I needed to call her. The next day (today). I wondered...should I just call her now? But it was after eleven, and then I felt very firmly to call her at eleven AM today. Over and over in my head, call her at eleven. So I did. Exactly eleven. And she had gone to breakfast over at a friend's house.

So not sure about that one. I talked to my dad, and told him how I felt I should call her, so she called me later and we talked, and it was nice, but I don't know why important. I guess sometimes I just don't know. But I do want to follow promptings and thoughts more, even if I don't know why.

I've been feeling like writing. As in, I want to write and publish something. This is absurd, and I thought this dream had died in junior high when I re-read all my stories and realized how horrible they were. But its coming back, and I am now reading junior high kid books to get ideas. In doing so, I found these books I'm really enjoying. They're about Alice, by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. The first is called the Agony of Alice. They're like 150 pages long, little snippets of nothing important, but they've brought back all the confusion and angst of junior high in such a humorous way, I'm really enjoying getting in touch my memories of little Shena, and all the trauma that happens at that age.

I watched Reality Bites yesterday. I realized that my favorite line to quote: "Don't bogart that can, man" is actually from this movie and not Dazed and Confused like I thought. I also realized that this movie has shaped me far more than I realized. I know I watched it when I was young. I actually thought it was rated R but have found out it is not. I couldn't remember anything about it except for the big gulps. But as I watched it, it all came back, and I realized how profoundly it affected me when I was young. I also realized that 90's clothes were hideous, that Ethan Hawke is incredibly sexy, and that I will probably never root for the good guy over the passionate bad guy. The whole movie I was saying "what a jerk! That guy is a jerk" and wanting him with me all the while. hmmm.

I have bought many things recently. I have my own bed, though my parents bought that. I bought sheets, a blanket, a comforter, a nightstand, a toothbrush holder, toiletbowl cleaner holder, bathroom mat, shower curtain, turtle heater, and probably many other things. All with absolutely no money in my bank account. hee. I feel like a grown-up, and like an idiot. I love my stuff, and then I'm overwhelmed with this sense of greed and suffocation. I have this vision of myself, traveling around, volunteering in foreign countries. I'm giving myself a couple years to get married, and get some skills, and then I figure that will be my life. But then I look at my stuff and think "I can no longer be a vagabond." I mean, I can't just pack up and leave. I have no flexibility, no freedom. I'm weighed down by these materialistic things, these things that have no meaning, that take away resources I could use to help others with so much less than me. I'm living this double life, I have been since I started eating candy bars again years ago, and I just don't know which side of me is going to win out. Or which side I want to. But I gotta start living a life I can respect, and I'm not sure this is taking me there.

I wish I had something great to reward those who have read to the end. I think I have not though. How do ya like me now? :)

2009 in review...or I don't want to go to work :)

2010-01-05T09:18:00.004-07:00

What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Took the GRE. Started Grad School. Rode in a hot air balloon. Made a movie. Bought a banjo.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions?
No way. Not even sure I made any.

What are some of your resolutions for 2010?
Given previous results, I didn't make any. I do want to be more dedicated to serving. I want to say yes more. And I have a new theme for people "Awesome until proven otherwise". I seem to go the other way around normally.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes

Did anyone close to you die?
hmmm. That is something I should know. I feel like no.

What countries did you visit?
Seattle?

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
True joy and zest for life

What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Does it count if I have to consult my calendar? I feel like that's not etched. Lets go with September 27 because I made some pretty hefty realizations then. ah wait hold up. March 21.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving out of Provo. Ha! Not far but shoot, its a step. The 10K in zion was pretty cool too.

What was your biggest failure?
Same failure over and over again. and letting my family down.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
This year, not really. Honestly I'm not sure I've been sick at all....well I guess a little. Oh wait, I had quite a few injuries. hehe. The arm incident in February from snowboarding. The leg problem after the 10K. Now the psyiatic (sp?) nerve thing goin on. hmmm.

What was the best thing you bought?
I would say the banjo but I never play it. New strings for my guitar-they make such a difference! ack! I forget when everything happened! Eva, of course, was my best purchase of the year. And some sweet snowboarding gloves to go with her.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mine.

Where did most of your money go?
oh jeez who knows? Recently to my new room, to food, to musical instruments and snowboarding gear, to my car-brakes, tires, he's suckin me dry!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Cloud cult. Visiting Derek. The American River and the realization that CA is still my home. My banjo. Snowboarding. A joint friend blog that has gone nowhere. Traveling that hasn't happened.

What song will always remind you of 2009?
ahh. Got a bunch of our snowboarding songs...Grounds for Divorce, Just Dance, If I had a Million Dollars, Survivor, These Old Shoes, Furr, Take Your Medicine and everything else by Cloud Cult, hard to say.

Compared to this time last year, are you: much happier, richer, nicer?
Definetly happier. Not at all richer. So much poorer. Maybe nicer, I think the extreme anger is dying out a little.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Made more music. Travelled more. Tried new things. Drank more water. Given in to the moment.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Gone pyscho over the same cycle of fear, depression, sadness, panic, desperation, and frustration. Yelled at drivers. Complaining and talking about myself.

How did you spend Christmas?
Being mean to my family in Idaho. Rock band, movies, sitting around in agony.

Did you fall in love in 2009?
nah

What was your favorite TV program?
Don't have a TV. I enjoyed a couple new programs I saw over Christmas...forget what they're called though.

What was the best book you read this year?
hmm. As much as I like to read, I don't feel I read a lot of new books. I read To Kill A Mockingbird, and it has and will always be one of my favorites. I enjoyed Anatomy of Peace. And my pyschology textbook was actually very interesting to me.

What did you want and get?
Snowboard, banjo, bed, friends, pj pants, hope

What were your favorite films of this year?
These are things I will never remember for the whole year. I'm not even going to spend the time.

What were your least favorite films of this year?
same

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
27. I went on a hot air balloon ride a couple days before. Then I went to Moab with my family and two of my best friends and we rode bikes, jeeped, and wandered the fair.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Don't know

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
wha? fashion...?
of course, the hair was a fahsion statement. Basically, try out every color possible and never stop changing!

What kept you sane?
Friends. The only way. And solitary walks in the wild. Running and exercising helped. Family that always is there for me. God.

Who did you miss?
Who didnt I miss? What a weird question.

Who was the best new person (people) you met?
Maybe Emily from work. I really like her.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
People matter, things don't. If it didn't work, it shouldn't work. Life is beautiful and should be treated as such. God is always there for you, even if maybe He shouldn't be.

What are you most excited for in 2010?
Getting a better job and making more money. Making more music. Seeing Cloud Cult live and visiting friends who are far away. Having my own room. Seeing more of life.

What are you least excited for in 2010?
my mistakes. failures. the people I'll hurt and offend. the anger and bitterness I'll feel. Fear.

Work

2009-12-21T21:52:00.002-07:00

Today was a great day at work. Just to give a little glimpse of some delights I encounter daily, here are a few experiences from the day.

First, there are these apartments where I read meters. I have to go inside each building, three buildings total in the complex. Each has a door with a keybox, a wonder that never ceases to thrill me. Only my special key will open that keybox, revealing another hidden key inside, which then opens the door. I always feel like a spy when opening these, with my cool skills that get me in secret places, yet I also want people to see me and think, "wow, who's that girl? What's she doing here? Don't know, but it must be legit, she can get in the locked door!" My mind is an amazing thing, I know.

Anyway, I open the door which, at this place, is loud enough to wake the dead. Each door sort of BOOMs open, then attempts to slam closed on me. I try to keep the doors propped open, just in case, then descend the stairs and enter what I can only imagine used to be a prison. The building is so creepy. A basement, with cement floors and walls, and all these doors with locks on them, and then all these other rooms with no walls, just bones of structures that seem so much like cells that I can't fathom what else they could be. Then I snake around this labyrinth trying to find meters, and pass walls with spray painted words like "silence=death" and "freedom" on them. The windows located towards the top of the walls are broken and dirty. Can you appreciate the creepiness? Every time I'm down there I see myself getting strangled or something by some half-human who's never seen the light of day...except what comes in the broken window, but you get the point? goo.

Moving on, I later entered a yard where about five or six kids were playing. They looked at me, I explained what I was doing, they followed me to the meter and watched me, then as I was leaving I think one girl asked, "what if she was a bad person?"
To which one little boy replied, "Then I'd kill her."

Uh, what? I walked out of the yard silently repeating the words "then I'd kill her"? Is that really what I heard? Slightly disturbing, yet touching too. Protective little git.

Lastly. I was walking down center street, almost done with my route and feeling pretty happy about that. Let me describe the sexy outfit I was wearing. Grey sweat pants that my dad can fit in, over yoga pants. I look like a little blimp at work. Tennis shoes. A blue sweatshirt that is also rather large, just like I like sweatshirts. Blue. With an orange vest over it, albeit it was billowing alluringly in the wind. A green beanie. Wearing hobo gloves that have the fingers free. Are you getting excited? Well, as I sauntered down the street, I hear this woofing from across the way. I look over, expecting to see a dog, but instead there's just one old gentleman walking the opposite direction. My gaze lingered a little, still wondering if there was a dog in the proximity or if it was only the man, when I hear these romantic words uttered at me:

"I could get you pregnant. Three times a year."

I had passed him by this point, and allowed my face to register the shock I felt at hearing such tempting banter. Indeed!

What would I do without these little gems? I jus' don't know.

Christmas Exploits

2009-12-17T07:47:00.003-07:00

Getting the Christmas tree!! It's always a little tricky getting the tree to stay up cause we're too cheap to buy a stand. But the cinder block/pitcher combo has worked quite nicely. Well, after we taped the tree to the wall.

Putting on Christmas lights, decorating, good good.

A tree wouldn't be complete without its star! Smalls made this beauty out of a cardboard box and tinfoil.

Isn't it homey?

My friend Derek came to Provo and we hung out a bit. He apparently felt he would miss me so much he had to take my poncho, and my spongebob. Yes, I believe he is interdigitating with Spongebob!

No Christmas would be complete without Christmas goodies! I went all out this year, and they were delicious. All of them. I know, because I ate every single one of them.

This year was also particularly hard to keep the candy in the calendar. I mean to say, it was gone within two days of buying the calendar. We had this brilliant idea that we would refill it with junior mints, a much superior chocolate then what comes in the thing. But, upon refilling we promptly ate all of those candies, so all in all not a festivity for those with no self control.

Teaching Smalls the violin! She's a natural, when she'll play, but its tough getting this one to practice. She learned "The Drummer Boy" here, and played it magnificantly.

To spread the joy of my Thanksgiving celebration, I broke out my hackeysack and the two of us did what we could. I suck at being coordinated.

We love this new park by our house. And we loved even more that on this beautiful night, the snowmen had come to visit!

They didn't like to go too high, of course, but these snowmen babies were pretty hefty. They really got going.

Roomate Christmas Party! Jess made all kinds of delicious food, we played skipbo and "Basil", watched a movie...a great night. I love my roommates!

Jess is so cute.

Oh, back at the park. Little baby chicken! Someone got very creative over there.

So someone brings shopping carts from smiths and leaves them all over provo. at least, they're always in front of our house and it angers us. So we've taken to pushing them away from our apartment and into this parking lot. Well, on our way home from the park we saw these blasted carts over by Pip's house, and we were outraged. I wish I could say that on this night, we moved the carts away and cleared the sidewalk for our good friends. We didn't though. We just got the picture and left the cart. Its hard to push me in the snow!

That's a small taste of the fun that is to be had here at Christmas. Pretty sure it will all cease now that Smalls is leaving. :( Tomorrow. :( I'm thinking this will be harder than I anticipated.

Full Circle

2009-12-06T06:45:00.004-07:00

It is 6:45 on a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up at 5, felt like I should look outside, and after a little delay, did. Only to see a wonderful snow covered world, with thick snowflakes still falling. I turned on the lights on our Christmas tree (and Tuga's light cause I woke her up), and sat on the couch watching the peacefully falling snow. Ah world, how beautiful you are.

The reason I woke at 5 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep is not beautiful, however. The comforting thing about being really stupid is that everyone expects you to be so. I did something, and its a joy to think that when everyone finds out, they won't be horrified and surprised at this ridiculous act of insanity, so unlike my normal character. No, everyone will just think "Shena!", with head shakes and chuckles, knowing perfectly well I'm only doing what I do.

5 or 6 weeks ago I had a very traumatic incident with my hair. I was very humbled. I made vows. I then went the longest I have gone all year without coloring my hair-the above noted time. A couple of weeks ago I began to think about some highlights. For the holidays you know, a little warm glow. I had decided that I didn't want to be blonde. I liked the darker look and it looks better on me. I just wanted a little bit of lightening, a little warmth in my hair. So I thought of going to a stylist-no way was I doing it myself. But I kept putting it off, waiting, thinking, deliberating, wondering what I really wanted and determined not to act impulsively.

Until a fated phone call with my good friend Julie. I'd been looking at her wedding pictures, and wondered about her blonde hair. Then miraculously she called and we talked, which is always delightful, and I asked her about her hair then. She said she had highlighted it herself with those self-kits. Oh? Highlight it yourself, eh? My mind began turning, as only my mind can. That's not so hard. She did it! Maybe I could...

I think we all know the story from here. It's upsetting really. To add a few details, a friend had been in town and while it's always great seeing him, it also always makes me a little crazy, a little upset, a little reckless. I had been thinking about this plan for a day or two when I got the most upset, and that was the end. Went to the store. Bought the kit. Julie, I do not blame you at all. Obviously, I have no right to. She warned me, cautioned, was going to get me details if I would just wait, but I did not. As I was doing it, I felt ill. I kept telling myself not to, bad idea, I liked my hair how it was, why change it? Cause I really have been enjoying the color it was. Why indeed.

That's what upsets me. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I didn't even want to. It wasn't fun. I don't know who I think I am, but I don't have patience enough to dry and straighten my hair, let alone pull it through these little holes evenly and carefully...I didn't do the strand test because it was late and I was tired. I knew that was bad too but I didn't listen to myself.

The result was not a warm glow to my dark blonde hair. If you are curious, I refer you to previous pictures of my bleached hair, but perhaps on a lesser scale. There was less red, and if I had been more precise and covered my head better, it would have worked nicely to give me blonde hair. But I was impatient, and my dark roots were a glaring contrast to the blonde bangs.

I went to bed overcome with more regret that I have felt in as long as I can remember. I honestly looked at myself in the mirror and wished more than anything that I could go back in time and redo. That I could change things. I have to say that, of all the mistakes I've made in my life, I usually don't wish I could change anything. As I lay there last night, tyring to fall into oblivion and forget what I had done, I wondered what else I would go back and change. Or re-live. I couldn't think of anything. Usually I value the experience or lesson enough to make the pain worth it. Not last night, though. Didn't I learn this lesson already? Which led me to the despairing thought that I am beyond change. I am too far gone and will never overcome anything. I get so dramatic at night!

I woke up at 5, as noted, and decided to try one last effort. I would dye my hair. I had a box of medium blonde dye from the last fiasco; we had bought the dye for the developer and then not used it. I had plenty of time, so I did a strand to test it. Test didn't tell me much, but I eventually decided that I had to risk it. So I did it. It's still not dry; 6 in the morning I didn't want to wake everyone with a blow dyer. But from what I can see, its all thankfully one color, and that color is: blonde! Ha! I did it. I got my blonde hair. After all this, effort, mistakes, mishap, pain, regret, I now have what I then wanted.

I felt very philosophical and spiritual this morning. I was thinking about last night's despair, and realized that the first horrible hair happenstance led to a very happy result. I loved that brown color. What had been terrible turned out alright. so I wondered, and I hoped, if maybe once more the end-of-the-world event would turn out okay, maybe even get me somewhere better in the end. It was encouraging to know that. I want to stop making stupid mistakes. But even when I make them, its not over, its not the end. Things right themselves, things continue, it gets better. Always that possibility.

I have also realized that I've come full circle. I am where I tried so desperately to be a month and a half ago. that's cool. And I don't want to be here anymore. I wasted so much money, I ruined my hair, all for blonde hair. And I don't want it. It made me think about other things I want so badly for a time, that I focus all my efforts at getting, that I let consume me in order to obtain, only to find later I don't want it anymore. This could be a lesson in my fickleness, but I think more truthfully its a lesson in how life changes, and maybe we should be careful what we want and how much effort we use trying to force it. Though, if I hadn't gone through the journey, I probably wouldn't know I no longer wanted it. So I guess we need to want, we need to work, and if we end up not wanting it, hm.

Then we have unwanted blonde hair.

Violence

2009-12-04T10:48:00.002-07:00

So I had this sort of epiphany/realization last night. About another one of my hypocritical incongruencies that I should probably figure out to be the most me-ish me I can be. It all came about because Smalls I and were discussing The Matrix as we were going to sleep last night. Smalls loves that movie. I watched a part of it over Thanksgiving break on T.V., and was pretty hooked. But its not really surprising, cause I like violent movies.

Die Hard.
Vantage Point.
The Bourne series.
The Matrix.

What's the problem, you ask? I know at the moment I'm not a very peaceful person, but I do have this peaceful idea, philosophy on life. I want to be peaceful. I love Cloud Cult and the always make me want to be more loving. I just watched The Royal Tannenbaums, and Richie's easy-going reactions to things also inspired me to act more acceptingly. Atticus from To Kill A Mockingbird is my all-time hero, and he is so mild and patient. I want to be like these people. I want to accept that we're all coming from painful places deep inside, and that sometimes we do things that aren't great but we need a little love and forgiveness.

Then I think of these movies, and how excited I am when the hero beats the crap out of the bad guy. It all came together in my head when Smalls realized the R rating on the Matrix came after the Columbine shooting. Some argue that we can't be responsible for what people do, can't blame the media and so forth. But this is my blog, and I can.

If we don't want to live in a world like those movies, why do we like those movies? If we don't want a society full of rapists and killers, then we gotta stop making movies where people rape and kill, movies full of sex and violence. I've seen what it does to kids. I guess we've all seen it. So why do I wanna watch it? Why do I enjoy the fighting and the glory over the loser?

This hit home very hard last night. I thought about Jesus. Funny right, but it is December. Would he ever bash someone bloody and senseless? Prob'ly not. Then should I want to, or want to see someone else do it? I thought of how death isn't even enough anymore. It's not satisfying enough to just watch someone die. Over to quickly, not enough intensity. So we create these superhumans. Bourne, matrix, transformers, anything that can cheat death for a long enough fight scene to fill our cravings for violence. Yet we don't understand the connection with this and the rising generation, playing videogames all day and watching these movies...I don't know. I don't like it.

But am I gonna stop watching these movies? I don't want to. They are my favorites. And I like connecting with people. You know, we all get a little worked up, just like with sports. Hockey is my favorite sport. "Bash him", cheering when they knock someone down, a great sack in football. I think if someone actually got hurt, I wouldn't enjoy it. But would I? Cause at some point the crowd does turn from thinking, feeling human beings, to bloodthirsty animals pounding victims without mercy. that seems extreme but history has shown it.

So when do I start living my ideals? Change my life to fit my philosophy?...

just not today.

Cookie Jar ~Jack Johnson

I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first when they spoke without sound
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn that thing down
Turn it around

"It wasn't me", says the boy with the gun
"Sure I pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
Cause life's been killing me ever since it begun
You can't blame me cause I'm too young"

"You can't blame me sure the killer was my son
But I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
Its the killing on this TV screen
You can't blame me it's those images he seen"

Well "you can't blame me," says the media man
Well "I wasn't the one who came up with the plan
I just point my camera at what the people want to see
Man it's a two way mirror and you can't blame me"

"You can't blame me," says the singer of the song
Or the maker of the movie which he based his life on
"It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
The smoke, machines and makeup and you can't fool me"

It was you it was me it was every man
We've all got the blood on our hands
We only receive what we demand
And if we want hell then hells what we'll have

I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first but let everyone down
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn it around
Turn it around

Input

2009-11-20T15:55:00.002-07:00

Okay, for all of you who know Smallcomb, I need your input. Please tell me your favorite things about her. Keep it simple, but I just need a couple of highlights of her. There are so many things, I know, but you're favorite things that set her apart. If you want to be recorded saying these things, get in touch with me secretly too, cause that would be a nice addition to my little project. thanks all!

What Color Are You?

2009-11-19T07:29:00.003-07:00

Who's heard of the color code test? There are four colors: red, blue, white, and yellow. They correspond to your personality, apparently, not so much on your behaviors but on the motivations behind the behavior. I studied it a little in my class and then got hooked. If you know your color, tell me! If not, this link takes you to a free site to take the test. Just click on "Try our personality test" and then click on the free test button. So I just took it and am having problems getting the results...if I find out more on that I'll let you know. Or if you know how to see the results, let me know. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm a blue with some white in me. What are you?

I see I didn't put the link. How interesting. it did work on a newer computer too. Here it is:
http://www.colorcode.com/

Rediscovery. Again.

2009-11-12T07:52:00.004-07:00

Today is a new day. Thank heavens. And I learned something last night that has set me free. The sad thing is, I have learned it before. Repeatedly. I learn it somewhat often, actually. Every time I go into a frenzy, and the "depths of despair," it forces me to see what I'd purposefully been blind to, and then to realize the truth and the beauty of that truth. And then I'm happy until I forget, slowly at first and then increasing in speed, till I'm back at the bottom of that pit needing to climb out again. Well, last night I climbed out and I'm so glad. And I thought of this that I wrote a year and a half ago when I climbed out of the same pit, and wanted to post it. So here it is

9/30/08

"The Tumbleweed has taught me a great lesson today. It blew into the lake-I didn't see when- and has been effortlessly flowing through the current of the wind. It is now softly floating in the middle of the lake. It has travelled far, covering a great distance with no effort at all. No resistance. If we would let ourselves flow with the current of life, where would we go? It seems that in the end, no man chooses his ultimate destiny. For all our attempts at control, life cannot be controlled, won't be contained. Things happen out of our reckoning, catalystic events or small bumps in the road. No man ever saw the end of his road from the beginning.

The insane part is that we try. We visualize our destination, and then fight with all that is in us to make our road take us there. It never does. So why fight? Why not simply follow the road, blown by the wind, without resistance, to our inevitable end? Or perhaps a much more beautiful end than the one we're left with after forcing all the detours by our attempts at power.

Goals yes. Goals that are from the drift of life, goals that are and come into being. But allow for them to change; to change completely if necessary, without resistance, anger, fear. No matter what caused the change. Accept that the change is, and therefore should be."

Quite the key word here: resistance. Denial. Avoidance. Whatever you want to call it. The thing is, life is so beautiful when we get in the moment of it, enjoy each day and all it brings, and not think about the future, the fear, the unknown. So I've learned yet again that life does not hold in store for me some things, and if I had accepted that before I would have lived more fully, would have felt this wonderful lightness, this giddy anticipation of what life does hold for me. Alright friends. I'm steppin in that riva.

Decisions

2009-11-04T07:42:00.002-07:00

Jobs I've Had:

Babysitter- Jr. High
Paper Girl- Jr. High
File Clerk- right out of High School
Custodial Widstoe bldg. and Marriott Center- Freshman year
Cashier in Cougareat- Second half freshman year
Wal-Mart cashier- summer between freshman and sophomore years
Custodial Marriott Center- Sophomore year
House Cleaner and at-home-job-scam-believer-summer between sophomore and junior years
Custodial Marriott Center- Junior year and spring/summer after
Walkabout Field Staff- Fall 03 (instead of going back to school) to March 04
AM/PM (gas station)Cashier- April to June 04
Missionary (kind of counts)- July 04 to January 06
Cashier and food prep Dans' Delicious Drive-In- February to May 06
Chinese Food Waitress- February to May 06
Custodial Marriott Center- Spring/Summer/Fall 06, Winter 07
Outback Field Staff- Summer 07 (homeless)
Outback Transporter- August and September 07
Homeschool Warehouse Worker- Fall 07
TA Geography of Natural Disasters- Winter 08
Waitress Los Hermanos- February to March (ha, really?) 08
Meter Reader Provo Power- May 08 to present
Staff at Residential treatment center- May to September 08
Boys and Girls Club staff- October 08 to May 09
Outback Transporter- June 09 to August 09

whew! Why the boring list you ask? Because I'm in a crisis and don't know what to do. I don't know what I want!!! One little thing sways me so easily. Look at these jobs. You know how I got them, how I picked them? Someone else told me about it, it was easy and flexible so I got the job and stayed, fate sort of led me to them...really none of them required much effort, and I dont know if any reflect desires that I had or simply just happened.

I want to move. I had this wonderful plan to move to Salt Lake, get a place all by myself, get a cat, get a real, full-time job, and meet some new people. I wanted to escape Provo and all its stigmas, the lack of diversity in people, and the memories of certain people (you can't escape memories when you keep running into people). So I've been half-heartedly looking into jobs and apartments in Salt Lake, getting excited about the prospect but not sure how it would ever work out. But still, the goal. Also excited about the thought of not working at Provo Power for another winter. It can be miserable out there!

And then in class last night, the one friend I have made, keeps telling me I can't leave. So in an effort to make me stay here, she's planning on setting me up with a guy. Lest you get worried right now, I do not plan to stay in Provo for a blind date. But then she threw out that the school she works at may have an open position, being a sort of coach for kids who are at risk, getting my foot in the counseling arena and working at a school. This came on the very day that I'd been talking with my boss and feeling like I didn't want to leave the meter reading. This school job is part time so I could keep both jobs. And now I am swayed. Real jobs, as opposed to the imaginary ones I will acquire sometime soon? Cheaper rent, where I could still get my own place but for half the cost? One little conversation and I'm having a melt down.

I feel like a kid. A baby, who will never grow up. I feel, somehow, like if I moved to Salt Lake I'd be an adult. But if I did the same thing in Provo, I'm stuck in student mode, transition, and I have this fear somehow like it'll land me in Utah for the rest of my life, rather than just the next two years. And yet...so much easier. Jobs right there, still around friends, in a safe place where I can run outside, walk around alone, feel more free I guess. Aghghhh. If only I knew what I really want.

The saga continues. Or, Lesson learned

2009-10-27T08:57:00.002-06:00

Well, something finally got through for me. Even after the disastrous results with my hair, I still hadn't learned my lesson. On Friday night I thought...I can fix this. I know I can fix this. I'll give it one more try and if that doesn't work, I'll go see someone to have it fixed. I had no intention of seeing someone. I went to the beauty store, asked for help, was directed away from what I was going to do and given other advice by one baffled by my hair, and also having her own hair issues. On top her hair looked a lovely brown; underneath, purple grey. So I wonder at my listening to her so faithfully and heading home excited to solve everything. I was even imagining myself calling everyone, telling them I'd done it, I'd make everything right. I'm so proud.

The dye was beautiful. This wonderful, purple-silver mixture. It ran out of my hair into the bathtub in such sparkles. I looked at my hair, excited and expectant, only to find it was dark brown, frazzled, and green/grey. It looked like the hair of a dead person. Charcoal is all I could think. And in that moment, I admitted defeat. Went to have it fixed by a professional. I spent so much money, just to have my hair the same dark brown but uglier and very damaged. Great.

This is it now, after she dyed it with a red brown dye. Red!!!! I've been trying to get rid of the red!! anyway, there it is. I threw away my gloves and vowed to never touch my own hair again. Not to be impulsive. not to pretend I know what I'm doing. Humility. Help-seeking. That's me.

This is my hair after I dyed it. You can't really see the hideousness, because you probably think its the lighting. Its not. That white overall tint is from my hair, not the wall.

But despite the ugly color, you know what I realized? I think I look better with dark hair! After all this, really? Leave it dark? I don't know. Ha! I don't know. But though this was stupid and at times I want to cry thinking about it, I just have to buck up and think-learning experience. Not that important. Hair and money, transitional things that don't matter. nothing to get down about. So I won't. But I will do things differently in the future.

James 1:8

2009-10-25T10:23:00.002-06:00

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

That about sums it up. I've been struggling lately. Well, for a long time, I guess, though it gets worse in stages and better at times, but overall a general downward trend that has of late worried me. I have doubted my beliefs and the way I live to an extent I never would have imagined possible. I can't say how it started exactly, though i wonder sometimes. I know a couple of really hard things happened, and I kind of questioned God a little bit. But it wasn't so much the questioning as the fact that during those times, the gospel hurt. I didn't want to read my scriptures or go to church, because somehow those things got wrapped up in the pain and became painful to me. So I read less, and I went to church a little less. Then I would have times of searching; I'd go seek answers, solace, comfort, alone where I could stare at the stars and commune. And I always felt answered. Loved. I felt God's presence and recommitted. Good waves, bad waves. Sometimes I think I would rebel, do something wrong, and then in attempting to justify it or rationalize it, I would turn away from God. Question why we have to live certain ways, and if I really believe I need to live this way. If I really believe it will make me happy.

A brief and silly example-when I was in junior high, my best friend and I wanted to start a band. I remember one day sitting on this bridge after school, planning out our future. We would move to Seattle, be in a band, spend our nights drinking and smoking and partying, jamming on stage, that whole "Rolling Stone" identity. I wanted that. Kind of.

But then another part of me was disappointed in that. And as I got into the church, gained the firstlings of a testimony, and decided to change my life, I remember the struggle to give that up. Specifically I remember sitting outside, looking in my kitchen window all lit up, and thinking-I want that. I want a family, I want a home, peace, stability, righteousness. (Not that my family was righteous, but you know. That's the mormon ideal). And I had to decide:which do I want more?

I chose the gospel. I chose the family life. And ever since I've been wanting that. I've been wanting a husband, and kids, and a home, and cozy Christmas' dancing around the tree in pajamas, etc. My testimony has grown since then. I had it tested many times, and I always stuck to my beliefs. In California, where I was just a big goob with no friends cause I was scared of the church kids (they used to judge me and I never could be friends with them), and avoiding the druggie types that I was naturally drawn to. Through college, with various temptations, tests, questions. During my mission, where I experienced miracles and unquestionable proof of God's existence. And even after, in my struggles, in my dealing with hard things, I stuck to my guns. And then, recently, as I get older and my dreams are just as far away as they ever were, and the allure of the world and certain pleasures it offers call, I looked back and wondered at that decision.

I'm ashamed, but I had this thought. I was looking through facebook, and some of my old junior high friends have befriended me. So I looked at their profiles, their lives, and honestly started crying. I'm such as selfish jerk. They're married! They all have like three kids, married, homes...they weren't good! They did the drugs, they had the sex! They rebelled, and they got what I want! Isn't this awful? But I just thought, why did I change? Why try to live right, to just be stuck old and alone, and now, at this stage of my life, wanting to join a band, travel, make music because its the only thing that fills my soul.

That was my battle, and I seriously started wondering. Maybe I should just go live that life. Maybe, deep down, I never completely gave it up. I don't believe that, even for a second, and yet here I am, back where I was, on the fence and trying to live a double life. Am I doing it for other people? I don't know. Is it my search for identity? Probably. I'm taking a developmental psychology class, and as I learn about identity development in adolescence, I think I never really developed mine. And now, as I struggle to find myself, I realize that the church was just inherently a part of this lack of person that I was, and I think that's why I'm questioning it. I'm questioning everything, trying to find what makes up me and what are elements I've adopted throughout the years because I was supposed to, or because it was cool.

What I want to get at before you worry too much about me is that I'm on an upward swing. As I questioned, I also realized that without a doubt I know the gospel is true. I've never heard the Josef Smith story without feeling it was true, even when I've listened through the ears of an incredulous investigator who didn't believe a word of it. I know I've been inspired, and I know Heavenly Father has talked to me. I know it! And as I've recommitted once again to read my scriptures every day (that's where it all falls apart-not reading), I've found an identity that I am comfortable with. Not a mindless follower, brainwashed into a belief I don't understand, but a girl, honestly trying to live right, to be kind, to love and serve and build, who needs the help of an understanding Father to teach me the right way.

So it's time to get off this fence. Even now, part of me is thinking...am I really ready to give this up? Am I really committed to living this way forever, no doubts, faithful and true, etc? And I hesitate, and I think I need some more time to think about it, to make sure I mean it, to stay on this fence a little longer. Do I think I can see better from up here? Looking at both sides? I don't know. I don't know. But I know James told me that I'm unstable, and will be until I pick one side or the other. Frustrating really, to travel on one side for so long, walking away from that darn fence, only to find at some point I circled back and made my way to that same fence again, only to climb aboard and wonder. But you know. Such is life.

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded." James 4:7-8

I just wouldn't listen

2009-10-21T11:35:00.006-06:00

Okay, so I know I've been a little extreme with my hair colors this year. I honestly don't think I've waited more than a month to dye my hair this whole year, which means a new color a month. That's not so bad, right? Well, lately, I've been feeling like I needed to get back to my roots (ha ha), go back to blond and show my true colors. Oh gosh, I can't stop. I just mean, it's been significant to me somehow to stop pretending to be someone else, and be me, and the hair was symbolic of that process/transformation. So I wanted to go blond, but somehow got roped into having it dyed darker than I've ever gone before on my own. That was a month ago, and after a month of feeling tricked and angered at my hair, I decided to do something about it.

You would think, dyeing my hair as often as I do, I would know a thing or two about it. Like how you can't really go blond from super dark brown. With mahogany. But really, was that knowledge likely to stop me? Especially with what I've come to accept is an addiction-a once the thought is in my head there's no turning back mentality. Nope.

I took this beautiful color, and with the help of my mother- who was equally clueless in this process, despite many years of hair coloring experience-we began to strip the color down.

We got to this point and realized we didn't know what the heck we were doing. I'd bought a colorzap kit at the beauty store, and we put it on, despite realizing within two seconds that there wouldn't be enough. And despite living in Montpelier, a city with no resources at all. So there I was, watching the color fade from some parts of my hair quite nicely.

We got online to see if we could maybe use some bleach at home to get the color out, or plain developer. And thus I saw the thousands of horror stories of people attempting to bleach their hair themselves. Stories of hair falling out, frizzing into nothingness from the burning, hair going all sorts of bizarre colors. Now I'd heard from many people that this was risky. Even Lindsey, a fellow hair-dying fiend, said she had hers professionally done when she went blond from red. Was that going to deter me though? No way! Not when it would mean waiting a while and paying money...(I think i paid the equivalent by the end).

Anyway, the result: spotted cheetah Shena. And so I would remain until the next day when we could bleach it again. Sidenote: despite having only two days at home I spent the bulk of this day bleaching my hair and then driving to Logan to buy more bleach for the next day. real stuff, from the beauty supply store. This was poor planning.

Here is another great shot of my color. My dad said he was pretty sure I've dyed it this color before; I'm thinkin not.

Not quite.

Another proof of my poor planning. I'd had this great idea that to feel more like a band, I was gonna sing and play the base in Rock Band. See, this works for real bands because they actually know the songs they're singing, and they know the guitar parts they're playing. When you don't know either the words, the melody, or the guitar, its a bit more tricky. I got through two songs this way, then went back to a one instrument style.

Ahh, the result of my second bleaching attempt. So it was supposed to all go white. We had some issues getting it on my head, so part had had bleach for like two hours, and the other part not as long, and we didn't know if we should leave it and risk my hair falling out, or rinse it and leave me spotted still. We eventually chose a partly spotted method in favor of keeping my hair. But seeing my white head and those white roots-freaked me out! Oh my gosh. At this point I thought we had really gotten in to something we should never have delved into. And I felt more firmly the need to get this situation under control so I would not have to dye it ever again.

Very stylish, no? This is pre-dyed hair.

dyed hair looked little different. I wanted to cry when we finally dyed it the blond, and it was this straw, reddish, hideous and completely fake blond color. I gave up at that point. Wore a hat and drove back to Provo. \

Where, the next day, I began thinking I couldn't live with it like that, and it was already so fried, maybe one last treatment wouldn't hurt that badly. So I bought an ash blond dye that would hopefully take out the red and be better. Usually these colors go so much darker, which is what I want, so the result is still not great, and not the darker I was expecting. But less red. Still red, still ugly, but less. And i guess what I'll have to have for a while.

The moral of the story is: when everyone is telling you something, and they could only be telling you it for you're own good, and not there's, listen to them. I do, however, have quite the experience now for other would-be bleachers who may need some help deciding what to do with their hair. So if you know anyone, send em my way.

Friends

2009-10-15T09:12:00.002-06:00

Yesterday it rained a lot. It rained during the night, and around the time I went to work, 'bout 11:30, it started raining again. I thought I'd work a little and if it got to much, go home and finish the next day. I got soaking wet in the first half an hour, but then it started lessening and I figured I could finish. Right at the end of the rain, and the height of the mud, I went to get a meter at the far end of this gravel driveway. There's a mean dog out there, and a gate that is usually open. Yesterday it was closed, so I parked my car outside the gate and ran in to get the read. Then I ran out, got in my car, and attempted to turn it around. There was a little pull out that looked perfect for just such a maneuver.

What I hadn't counted on, however, was the mud. The road was lifted a bit above the rest of the fields, which means the turn-around point was on a bit of an incline, and after pulling forward a little bit I tried to back out and turn around, and found my car wouldn't move. Curses! How silly. So I went forward a bit more, thinking, perhaps, that if I got more momentum I could blast out of there. Well that was even more silly, and I just got more stuck. I had a moment of panic. Who can help me? I wondered. Smalls was gone to class in Salt Lake, and my dad and brothers were no where near. It was very ridiculous thinking, but for a moment I felt like I had no friends and nothing to do. Looking through my new, very small contact list in my new phone I felt like most of my friends have moved away and are nowhere near Provo now. But then I found lots who are here, and who I have counted on time and again to get me out of my silly pickles. I calmed down, asked Dan to help when he could, then went to work while I waited, confident that it'd all work out and we'd get my car out.

He came with smalls and it took two minutes to get the car out, less really if I hadn't been trying to get a picture with my phone (unsuccessful). Then they hopped back in Small's car and drove away, and I went back to work. What I wanted to stress here is how grateful I am for good friends. You're out there, my good friends, all over the world. Friends who listen to me when I need to talk, cheer me up when I need cheering, give me advice and perspective when I feel hopeless or in panic, find numbers for me to call when I'm locked out of my car, encourage me in whatever endeavours I'm undertaking, and push my car out of the mud when I'm silly enough to get it in. (Dan, I need to point out that I know the log doesn't go in front of the tire, I had it under the tires and it helped on one side, but the other kept slipping down, so then I tried it in front of that tire, and it did help, just not enough. I had moved that log around from side to side and tire to tire about ten times before I gave up, getting thoroughly muddy and disgruntled, and so I left it there in its seemingly useless place. But I just need you to know I'm not that much of a girl. I knew what I was doing. Sort of.)

I feel very blessed to know I have you. To know I can count on you, trust you to come to me. And I wanted to apologize for all of you I haven't been there for. To all of you I have let down. I know I have, and I'm sorry for not being as good of a friend. I hope I'm better in the future. I love you all and can't even express how glad I am to have you in my life. Thanks.

A peek

2009-10-14T10:39:00.003-06:00

Ha. Written a couple years ago, just a ramble in my head at night.

Is it me? Can it be, deep inside, where the words can hide, where the thoughts align, the soul alive.

Try to speak, with the pieces, with the center, few can enter, to see the feelings, feel the soul, barely even I know.

When its quiet, when I lie awake at night, and try to think, try not to sink, but to hear the silent whispers of the heart.

Whats it say? Guide my way to the path, try not to laugh, I know its in me, go on and feel free to point me better than my soul.

Happiness from harmony, of you and me, of him and her, of body and soul, we work together, I work together, come and see the unity of a mind and heart at peace.

Peace you say, there's no real way to find the core, to fight the war inside.

But I say there is a way, when we stop resisting, give in to listening, open our ears and face our fears, to realize livings so much more, so much giving.

Not just happy or sad, but happy and sad, or hard and good, and if we'll just focus on our souls, not on living our roles, we'll hear the answers come from within.

I want one

2009-10-07T22:51:00.006-06:00

So Friday afternoon I met up with Kyson to take him down to Green River, where we met up with Sara, Liz, Kaden, and Sadie. We all carpooled from there to Colordado for a wonderful trip of apple cider making, animal rumping, kid wrangling, and face stuffing. This isn't about the trip though; this is about my fear of the drive with Kason. An 8 year old boy. What in the world was I to do with him? What would he want to do? What was he interested in? How could I entertain him? Where should he sit? And could I listen to music? What kind of music? I was going bonkers.

So after some helpful advice from Lizi about putting Kyson in the back seat, and after a trip to the grocery store to pick up the only form of entertainment I know of that works for all ages-food-I felt a little more prepared. I can handle this. I can do this. I'm 27 years old for petes sake. You know? I was feeling confident, and once I met him and his dad, saw the computer his dad was giving him to keep him occupied, I knew we'd survive.

And then. We headed out on the road, Kyson in the back, me driving so carefully, and I thought of my dad driving me down to the MTC. He said he felt so worried, like he had to be super careful because I was precious cargo (I'm sure I always am to him, just sayin') and he thought I needed extra protection of some sort. That's how I felt with Kyson. Like everything mattered and I needed to be so careful. And I felt this concern for him. It was weird. And I didn't even really talk to him, cause he had his computer and I really don't know how to be around kids, or what to say. But I was there, and he was there.

And then. I heard his little hands get into the bag of food I'd put on the back seat. Something odd happened, some weird joy deep in my heart filled me as I heard his little crunch of the dorito. I have never in my life enjoyed sharing food so much. I usually love food. I get a little protective of my food. But this was different. This was for him, and it just swelled inside me to hear him eating it.

This sounds creepy, and all I can say is that biology is to blame here, and though I don't know what to do with kids, I want them. I want to care for a little person who depends on me, I want to experience that complete selfless giving. I want it all the more because it seems so far away and unlikely. But it was delightful to be around these little people for the weekend, to see their personalities and hear their perspectives. Maybe I just need more contact with kids.

Shoot Dang!

2009-09-26T13:18:00.003-06:00

Well, I officially give up on posting videos on the blogger. I will never in my life be able to do it. that may be extreme, but there it is.
The gist is, I wanted to show everyone my banjo and my skills, but I couldn't get the video up here so check out my facebook if you want to see it.
for the back story, once upon a time I had my heart broken by a boy. I was sad. I tried to find hope in life, some form of comfort and definition, and salvation came in the form of a banjo. I was at my friend John's house, and some delightful people came over with a guitar and banjo and started playing the bluegrass. Light shone down from heaven, and I felt inspiried, comforted, guided, a source of new hope and life. It was the banjo. I knew right then I needed a banjo. But its taken me six years to act on that prompting, until last month I finally realized that I needed to get my life in order and do what I was destined to do. Play the banjo. And viola. Life makes sense again.

True Love (Banjo Style)

2009-09-19T16:42:00.004-06:00

This is a project I did for a Humanities class my freshman year, written 10/17/2000. We had to take the balcony scene of Romeo and Juliet and re-write it in a different setting. I think my setting is somewhat predictive of my future aspirations. Or at least of the secret love I have of the banjo :)

Setting: A deserted banjo shop at night. Jim Bob had entered the store earlier that day and instantly fallen in love with the sight of Banita, a beautiful banjo. Desperate to see his sweet love again, he sneaked into the banjo shop after the owners had locked it up and sought out his forbidden love.

Banita: Twang!

Jim Bob: Why, I recognize that beautiful music! Let me hear it again, sweet darlin': the sound is like the very angels of heaven singing praises to God Almighty. I can pract'ly see them feathery bein's just a soarin' overhead with each twang of your glorious strings!

Banita: Twang! Oh Jim Bobby-why ain't you a banjo like me? If you'd only throw out the stuff that makes you a man, not a banjo, we'd be so happy. Else, I'll say I'm no banjo an' act s'though I'm a...a...lady. Twang!

Jim Bobby: Well I'll be! Listen to that! Do I sit on my haunches and listen to s'more or do I grab my banjo now, I say?

Banita: Twang twang twang! It's only because you're a human that things won't work out. You've got the soul of a banjo, and it don't matter none what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts. The strings and body, why, they don't matter a'tall. An' sure, that funny frame of yourn does look unusual, but there's something about that round head and long body, with it's arms and legs pokin' out of it..something so...human...why, you're just irresistible! Jus' say you're a banjo and we'll hie to the chapel an' get hitched straighway. Twang.

Jim Bob: Sweet Banita, I'll say whatsoever you please an' do what cha want, s'long as you say you'll have me.

Banita: Twang! How's that? Who are you-what are you doing here? Twang twang!

Jim Bob: Why, who am I, darlin'? Weren't it me you was just harpin' for? I t'won't say who I am e-zactly, meaning of course my name, cause I'm not jus' sure what you want me t'say. Let me know, little stringy, an' I'll say it just as you please.

Banita: Twang! Though I only jus' met you today, I'd know your voice a green mile away. But say, aren't you a human, here in this banjo shop? Twang?

Jim Bob: Not if you say I ain't.

Banita: Twang. But however did you get in? The shop's all locked up for the night and there's no one here to let you in. Why, what're you doin', breakin' and enterin'? You could go to jail if anyone catches you here! TWANG!

Jim Bob: Are you kiddin' me? I got in jus' the same as Robert E. Lee got into that battle-ya know the one, where he beat up all them bad guys? 'Cept, I used all the strat'gy and stealth of love, if you follow me, when he jus' used his brain, an' no love to goad him. Leastaways, that's what I'd figger. But as I was sayin', locked doors an' alarms ain't gonna stop me nohow, 'cause my love is stronger than a real tough root that goes miles down and jus' won't come up, an' my feelings for you, little plucky, are so good's to slip right through a locked door, sorter like the mice slip through our traps every year, so to speak.

Banita: Twang twang. Don't ya know that if they were t'catch you, it'd be off to the jailhouse with you? Twang?!

Jim Bob: Why, you're more dangrous to me than any officer of the l-a-w. B'sides, that sweet sound of yourn'll block out any noise I make and keep me perfectly safe, bless you.

Banita: Twang! I'm just so worried! I don't want them to catch you here! Twang.

Jim Bob: You've jus' gotta calm yourself right down! Don't be afeared for me-I'm covered in the farms darkest mud, just like a soldier in the milit'ry, and you know no one never spies them when they don't wanna be spied. That's all just a way of speakin' though, I'm not really covered in mud. Anyhow, it don't matter none if they do see me, either, if you'll only jus' say you love me. Then I say-shucks if they spy me here with ya! I'd ruther they up and killed me-that's right, shot me dead!-then my clock go on a'ticking without your sweet twangin' t'keep me comp'ny.

Banita: Twang? Oh Jim Bobby, how'd you ever find this banjo shop anyway? Twang.

Jim Bobby: 'Twas my on-going love of ta banjo that first set me a'looking for a banjo shop, an' though I ain't never been outside my own great state, nor even to speak of my nation-that of the US of A, as it were, and known' my great and abidin' fear of travelin' and of water-not ordinary drinking water like we have at t'farm, mind you, I'm talkin' 'bout them great big accum'lations of water; yep, even the great blue sea yonder-why, what were I sayin'? Oh yeah, my fear of travelin' and water-the lot of water all together like-and my fear of them foreign parts and their diplomats and funny ways, not even denyin' the fact that the people ther're so strange and talk only gibberish not even a fool could understand (I'm talkin' 'bout overseas now, see?) Anyhoo, what with all this, I'd a still left my home turf, sailed over the seven seas, and even set foot upon those places with the crazies shoutin' gibberish, for one music store such as this primo place, in especial to find one such banjo jus' as yourself-a most wondrous piece of mer-chan-dise as I ever seen. (Course, that is supposin' I knew aforehand you'd be there, sweet stringy, else what should I go all the way over the ocean and all for, just to find nothin' there...

The End

Home 09

2009-09-16T22:39:00.008-06:00

I went home with Smalls last weekend, and here are some reasons why I love my home, family, and town.

1. Pets! I love them. And I love sitting on the porch when the morning sun warms you while my mom rocks in her little swing chair.

2. random cool events that pass through. Like the LOTOJA, a race I'd never heard of but am now quite familiar with. Bikers go from Logan to Jackson in one day, passing through Montpelier!

3. Other random things pass through. Like...airplane wings?

bikers continued. There were soooo many people. We decided we needed to do this race next year. Until we researched it. Now we're thinking about it.

4. Where else could you help drive a team of oxen?

Or make friends with a lovely pioneer and her dog?

5. kids in watermelons. Need I say more?

6. No, not the famous raspberry shakes, a standard Arctic Circle shake you could find anywhere. But really good shakes. Smalls likes the chocolate banana, my favorite is the Oreo with mint.

6. The chance to overcome fears. This slide daunted me for so long as a child. I was terrified of it every time I came to this park with my brother.

Success! I am no longer afraid.

Smalls never really felt any fear, but at least she pretended to.

7. I think 7, I lost count. Yeah, what the heck? What is this creepy spider thing? But I remember it being there from when I was little.

Close up of his happy face.

8. Always water to be jumped into. We didn't want to go all the way to the lake because it was a cold day and the lake is far, so we drove up to the reservoir, braved the moss lining the shore, and dove in.

Surprisingly very cold, but refreshing as always

9. Brothers. Especially great brothers who spread their sauces with Doritos.

10. Delicious food. Always a ton of it too. We got stuffed that weekend!

11. Emma! My mom has given up having a grandchild, and has taken matters into her own hands. this is her baby girl, Emma, who is heavy like a newborn and has only needed a few minor adjustments to her feet...Smalls took to her right away and had to sleep with her

12. Brothers and pets, already stated. But doing ridiculous things such as this!

13. Papas. And plans to go to church that are thwarted by conference. This has happened a large number of times in my life, and I'm ashamed to say I'm always a little glad there's no church..oops!

14. Football!! It has been a long time. I like football! I wanted to watch it when we were done, wanted to get in shape to play, had visions of winning championships...then got so sore the next day I forgot it all.

I was finally on a winning team, when it was me, Shawn, and Chris, against smalls and my dad. We couldn't determine if Shawn's winning powers were stronger than my losing powers, so we had to combine forces to see that I wasn't that big of a loser. thank goodness.

Oh yeah basketball too. I was finishing knitting at this point so I hadn't joined in the fun yet. smalls won though, as always.

15. Cows in the backyard.

16. Doing mean and ridiculous things to my pets. I thought Odie looked good with brown hair :)

Pooky looked better.

Undocumented events were the shopping spree with my mom before getting to Montpelier, eating at Chiles, walk with the dogs, and stopping to visit the Leonhardts on our way home. I love those people, and they gave us two bags full of vegetables from their garden, and fed us not fasule but Lenhardio beans. wonderful.

9-09-09

2009-09-09T00:04:00.003-06:00

Today was a good day. Lovely really, and exceptional in that my Tuesdays of late have been really crappy. We've called them Tuesday Bluesdays, and have required hot fudge sundaes from McDonald's just to make it through (By we I mean Smalls and me). Well, last week Smalls told me we needed to break the streak, stop letting this rut take over our lives. Last Tuesday was alright, not great. But good enough that I was pretty sure today would be fine. And it was! I woke up happy, like not just a lack of sadness or unhappiness, but a joy and giddiness for life. I had a beautiful route up by the canyon where the morning scent floated around me and the sun slowly warmed me. We got the sundaes more out of celebration than need, and then I even obtained some pleasure studying for class. Which, in turn, made class more enjoyable because I was prepared and knew what we were talking about.

Then I came home and talked to my good friend Derek, while simultaneously going for a nice walk around Provo on a beautiful evening, and maybe one of the last where bear feet will be an option. And this brings me to my point, and the reason I'm blogging tonight. Well first, I love numbers. I've been ecstatic about the whole month of September, the 9's!!! Delicious. I thought of 9-07-09 and how cool that was. Today I even enjoyed the 9-08-09, and wrote it often at school. But I never stopped to consider the enormous import of Wednesday, 9-09-09. Look at that! It's wonderful. Luckily, Derek reminded me by reading a flyer of a party his mom had been invited to, and I am now sitting up late at night, or rather, early on this momentous day, wondering how to best celebrate a day charged with such possibility.

Which brings me to my never-ending quandary...how to celebrate anything? I'm all for celebrations, and ever since junior high I've talked about equinox parties and solstice celebrations. Talked, and never acted. One, because a celebration with one person is odd, but so are most of my party ideas so its hard to find people interested. But also, I just can't think what to do. I've danced around a time or two. Gone for walks or hikes. But really, there's got to be something better. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!

Maybe I could think back to when I was nine years old. hmmm. I lived in Utah. I was into tumbling, probably in some ridiculous class that dressed me up as a ninja turtle and made me prance around. I liked bouncy balls alot. We used to play with them all recess. Also into riding bikes. And going to the cement pipes. There was a field with lots of cement pipes all around, and a couple piled up into a pretty high pyramid, and we climbed all over those things. We went skiing occasionally. I wanted to be a singer, and can remember singing into one of those dusty-broom things at the top of my lungs, to classics such as "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston, and "Baby sometimes love just ain't enough" by Don Henley and someone else, Smalls says Celine Dione. I think I did some ridiculous tumbling routine in school with Julie, to Paula Abdul's "Two steps back" song. wow.

enough of that. How about 9 favorite things? that's so repetitive for me. 9 favorite things about life. I like it.

1. (pause) this is harder than I thought. maybe I'm trying to go too deep. simplify.
humour- I like that we all have to sit down and laugh sometimes at the ridiculous things that happen to all of us.

2. commonality-we're all human and therefore share a lot of things. Growth, feelings, pain, loss, joy, accomplishment. we have different experiences, but most of these generalize to help us understand others' experience, at least when we try. I really like that about humankind.

3. hope-the way things work out better than I think they will. I have a tendency to imagine the worst in many scenarios, and to leave life hanging at that moment when all is lost and can never be recovered. The amazing thing is, even when worse than the worst I imagined happens, its a moment, one that is followed by so many more moments that in time, that moment disappears or ceases to matter. Despite the possibility for sorrow and heartache, loneliness or disappointment, I still have hope, knowing that things have always gotten better in the past, and they will in the future when something goes wrong. I guess that leads into my next point;

4. "We are intrepid. We carry on" (bonus for anyone who can name that movie...and is still reading this). Life goes on. Changes, always always changes. So many cases that have seemed hopeless, lost causes, going nowhere-followed by learning, change, growth, a new direction, always the possibility of a new direction. I love that. That perspective that in ten years, twenty, fifty, things will be different. Different things will matter. It never ends. Until it ends.

5. Obviously the opportunity to learn and grow. The atonement plays a very huge role in this. I love the symbolism of a new day, a new dawning, birth. I love it because I need it; I think we all do. And we have it. And because of mistakes, because we travel long and far into the night, getting lost, downhearted, frantic, we learn to be wiser next time, we learn to do better. We learn to empathize with those who get off track. We learn, in short, to be human. I like being human.

6. feeling more than human. You know those brief moments when you seem to touch something, to reach out to the divine...to be divine? I went to the canyon a few months ago, and I looked at the mountain, and thought of it so strong and firm and ancient. I thought of how many years those rocks have looked down from above, how many things they've seen. They've felt wind and rain, sunshine and moonshine. They've seen birth and death, loving and fighting. They've watched things be built and destroyed. They've stood firm through it all, immovable, untouched, almost, through the tides of time. It's amazing. And more amazing still is the fact that I'm older than those hills. My spirit has been around way longer, has seen and done and known. I am ancient! and that thought is cool to me. It makes me feel stronger. wiser. less movable.

7. love. There are so many kinds of love. That itself is amazing. and i'm glad that our ability to love grows as we do. Unconditional love for family, that maybe turns conditional at times ;) the thrill of loving others, getting to know others that are unfamiliar to us, different from us, and learning the mystery and excitement of them, the complexity of each human, and seeing the wonder within. I think I have only allowed myself to love a small number of people, something I hope to change, to expand. I think when I take the effort to know someone, I love them. I want to make more effort.

8. unpredictable-life is so uncertain, and we struggle and fight all our lives to define, understand, and predict what will happen, when, how, where, why...seeking some magical formula that will tell us what will happen at all stages of life. I seek for that control, mostly, and struggle right along with everyone else. But there are times. Sweet moments of acceptance and surrender, when I acknowledge I don't know what's happening, and never ever will. Even when things seem sure, certain, each day brings with it an element of surprise. And that's nice. My plans change about every week, so if I was truly in control of my life, I'd be a mess from so many false starts.

9. desire to live-I have such a strong desire to live, to truly live. I haven't mastered that skill yet. Mostly I live in some dream world, or live through someone else's perspective. At times, i get so caught up in some ridiculous thought that I turn frantic, and have even considered the possibility of dying in different ways. And whenever that though turns a little bit real in my head, or whenever I'm actually placed in a life-threatening situation, I feel this burning desire to live, to stay here, with all the problems, the fears, the issues or whatever, because life, no matter how hard or horrific at times, is beautiful. And the horror can add to the beauty, can add to the humanness, to the feeling. These moments make up me, and I want to be me, and to live to become a better me.

Alright, bring on the 9's. I think I'm ready for 'em.

Mount Timpanogos

2009-07-27T14:31:00.007-06:00

So here we go with the picture version of our exciting adventure. Starting out with an ecstatic smalls, sporting her sunscreen necklace.

So many waterfalls! They were beautiful, though this first one had the best view of the water leaping carelessly off the ledge and breaking into tiny droplets.

Nice meadowy place where the two trails meet up. We tried to find directions
here and I was totally off.

Lovely snow patch we had to cross. There's always a snow patch.

Then the rocky cliffs of insanity in the "Mordor" portion of the hike. This is right at the top for the last little climb up.

Looking down on the group coming up the last leg. It's a bit narrow.

A heart -shaped cloud. I thought it was significant.

The view looking down from the top onto the crazy glacier and valley below.

All of us looking down and contemplating whether we'd die or not. At this point, I still thought not.

Coming down the glacier. I came before these guys, and at this point we were all pretty sure we would die. Scariest thing ever, coming down this steep snowpack, trying to stay in the louge track to avoid rocks, but also trying not to fly out of control on all the jumps that were carved into the trail. I had snow flying everywhere, my hands were frozen, and I really thought I'd never make it home. The guy standing got flipped around and went down headfirst for a while on his back. I really thought he was a goner.

But we survived. Made it to the rocky pile at the bottom that took another half to an hour to get across; I think the glacier didn't save us any time at all. Oh! It was right before the glacier that I lost my backpack. Sad.

Emerald Lake. Beautiful. It was sooo hard not to jump in the water-we always jump in the water, at least once. But we were still so cold from the glacier, and the whole day was overcast and cool, so we decided not too. It was so clear though!

Smalls and Scott back at the waterfall.

And we did it all in chacos! We got a shout out from another chaco hiker, and a props from this guy that came down the glacier with us. Yeah, we're hardcore.

Cloud of backpack death

2009-07-25T19:42:00.003-06:00

So in brief...a backpack containing three nalgenes of value to me, my new Utah hiking book, a knife and saw, bandaids and brand new moleskin, my fleece, lots of food, and my phone and keys went crashing down the face of Mt. Timpanogos today. It started picking up speed about twenty feet down, and by fifty the zippers had flown wide open and contents were flying madly out in every direction. That is all I saw before everything rolled down a cliff and out of sight. This means I no longer have any phone numbers and would like them, so that I might someday call people. Please regive me your numbers-my phone number is attached to a different phone that is attached to me, so luckily you can still contact me.
Other than the tragedy, the trip was awesome and i'll try to get some pics up soon!

A good day

2009-06-25T19:23:00.003-06:00

This has been a very special day. It started out relatively normal; slept in a bit, went to work, got hot, sweaty, and frustrated at work but also maintained a partial good mood, which doesn't always happen. But as I read meters, I had a little scenario going on in my head-I generally do-and it somehow kept coming back to me swimming in a pool, or jumping in a river, or skinny dipping somewhere...(i've been needing a good dip lately). anyway, these thought led me to realize that I did, in fact, need to immerse myself in water. I remember last summer how every day at work I fantasized about jumping in water when I was hot and dehydrated, and often took a quick drive to the river to jump in and cool off before coming home and showering. So I decided today I would go back to the river.

And then I remembered some things. How a year ago I rode my bike to the river. How I had an amazing time thinking, and realizing some things about life and my situation at the time, and how I needed to love life, embrace it, and stop worrying and feeling anxious about what I was facing and hoping would happen. I resolved to talk to someone, to be open and honest, and see what happened. It was a great day.

A day that resulted in hope and joy that has since, in the last year, turned to bitterness and anger, ashes from the once-seen future burning up into nothing. But today, I resolved to go back to the river, jump in and wash myself clean from the mistakes or regrets and move on.

Then I got to the spot, and forgot in the moment any symbolism as I dunked myself in the swiftly moving icy water. I dunked twice, just for good measure, and felt the familiar icy, refreshing tingle that I love so much. I exchanged some pleasantries with a man that rode by on a bike, but also felt ridiculous and hastened to leave the area, since I was now dripping wet and felt silly. Got in my car, drove about a block away, but then remembered how I'd wanted it to be meaningful and I hadn't really done that. I hesitated for a second, then turned around and went back. I drove to a different spot, a calmer spot where a log beckoned me to sit on it, and cotton floated lazily down onto the river like big snowflakes in a snow globe. I sat and thought, not really about the cleansing or the situation, but just about life, how good it is, how much I love it. How I love water and always want it around me. It's so calming and peaceful. I felt this hope too, like no matter what happens in any situation, I just want to be open to life and love and anything, for however long I have it, without fear of losing it because in the end, I will always be me. That can't be taken away. I enjoy being me.

It's been a lazy day, overall, without huge feelings of euphoria or anything, but I just took another moment to step outside as the rain ever so slightly came down, and the smell was delicious, and the sky to the west was cloudy, yet golden and beautiful, and I thought how I also always want a view to the west. So nice to know these things about myself! And I felt again that it had been a magical day, a day of learning and accepting and believing.

Oh, and of course its the day Small's was born, which makes it absolutely amazing, a true blessing for everyone who will ever meet her. Happy Birthday smalls.

how quickly we die

2009-06-03T14:57:00.002-06:00

I saw a pretty flower while at work the other day, and wanted to bring it with me on my travels. So without even hesitating, I picked it from its roadside home and stuck it in my hair. Then I crossed the street, found a water meter, read it, and as I was standing up saw that my flower had fallen to the ground. I picked it up, anxious to replace it in my hair and move on my way, when I noticed something different and stopped to look. It was already wilted! My flower had completely shrivelled up in a time span of about 5 minutes. I couldn’t believe it, and checked my hair to make sure it was the right flower. It was.

I felt very guilty.

“What did you think would happen?” I asked myself, somewhat harshly and somewhat surprised at my surprise. “Of course its going to die.”

“But so soon?” I desperately responded, “I didn’t know it would die so quickly.”

As I thought about the poor flower, cut off from its source of nourishment and moisture on a hot day, I realized that our spirits are a lot like these delicate flowers. Oftentimes, we seem to be doing fine, we feel vibrant and colorful and plucky, and think we can handle anything and flourish no matter the circumstances. But when cut off from the spiritual nourishment, even just for a day, or even less, we start to wilt, to slacken, things get harder, look bleaker. What surprises me is that I continue to be surprised at how quickly this happens. How quickly I can go from strong, confident, all is well Shena, to depressed, mopey, sad, hopeless Shena. How do I lose faith so quickly? How do I lose sight of the goal, of what really matters? Because I know the answers, I know what I need to do to get the water flowing again, to get the petals back to their energized state. But when I’m dehydrated, the effort to get there seems to much, and the reward doesn’t seem worth it. Of course its worth it! Of course its better not wilted. But in the throes of my desperation, how do I believe that?

I wish I could just keep myself hydrated, keep myself connected to the source, to never thirst so greatly that I feel I’ll never survive. But maybe I need to thirst. Maybe its those moments, sprawled on the pavement, parched, gasping, aching for water, that bring me to my senses, that convince me to jump into that river of water and immerse myself again with life-giving relief.

I meant to complete this. I don't want to now. I just want to say that I'm glad for a source of water that never goes away, no matter how silly I am or how long it takes me to seek it. I'm grateful I have something inside of me that's stronger than I think, that never lets me die completely. yeah.

fates be damned

2009-05-20T16:07:00.002-06:00

I've come to a realization this week: I have more power than I ever realized. It's very liberating.

So I think I've lived my whole life believing there was some driving force, either divine or otherwise, making things happen, and that my duty was simply to react. In theory, I would never have admitted to it. I would have said that our lives are what we make of them. I'm only now coming to realize that my theory and my action are two different things.

I believe God is involved in my life. I believe He has a course for me, a plan, a purpose. I believe He cares. But apparently I've also been expecting Him to do all the work. I pray to know what is right, ask for help following His will, then just assume whatever happens is what should happen and I should accept it. If something doesn't work out-God's got other plans for me.
Well that's silly. I apply to schools, half-heartedly attempting to get in, and figure if I do its a miracle and must be what God wants; if I don't-it wasn't right for me. Same with jobs I've applied for. I've wanted to do His will and be led so much that I've failed to come up with my own will. I'm waiting for Him to tell me what profession I should go into, what graduate program I should do. He's probably waiting for me to find out what I want, cause it doesn't really matter. Just that He'll help me with whatever it is.

Sometimes its easier to wait for the Lord to tell you what to do. But there are also things I know I want, things I think I would do anything to have, but if it doesn't appear to work out, rather than fight for it I give up, because apparently it wasn't in God's plan for me. In reality, its easier to give up and "submit" then to try at something I could potentially fail at.

I've lived this way for so long, copping out anytime something is hard and tying it into the already twisted knot of faith I'm trying to unravel and make sense of. But this is not faith; this is fate. Leaving things to fate to take care of, because I don't want to risk the possible failure. Is much easier to blame my failures on fate. That's how I've lived; that's what I've thought.

Until now. Until a couple of nights ago, when I lay wallowing in a ridiculous but very real agony, despairing at how I just didn't have a fair chance, how I just wish I could know, regretting my passivity but dooming myself to repeat it. Then the epiphany, the shift in perspective that brought so much power and hope. Fates be damned-I am in control! I have the power to fight for what I want; I have the power to know what I want. If I try and fail, at least I tried! At least I don't have to live with the regret, the endlessly repeating cycles of "if only," and "would haves" Its not for me to wait and see what happens, to hope for coincidences to tell me where to go, what to do, what to hope for and fight for and believe in. I decide, and then I make it happen. That's how you live without regrets, right? To try, to move, to yearn, to give everything you've got. I'm a Switzer, and I go after what I want.

Zion Fun Run

2009-04-30T21:35:00.003-06:00

For pictures, check out the facebook. For an awesome, excitement inspiring video, check this out.

Here's what I have to say. I hate videos on blogger. They don't upload. I left this blasted thing uploading all night and it didn't work. So my thought is I can't do it, and I dont understand how all you mothers do it who have no time. Am I doing something wrong? So this post is a failure, but I'm leaving it up to illustrate my failure.

Thievery

2009-04-12T19:15:00.003-06:00

On Friday I was thieved.

That's right; someone tried to steal from me. I kinda feel like this is payback for the wrong I did some unknown, unsuspecting family the day before. It all started one overcast, rainy day, Thursday to be exact. I was reading meters, and actually enjoying the quiet and peace that accompanied the rainstorm. It was a warm enough morning and things were going well. Until I entered one inconspicuous backyard that seemed completely devoid of dog-life. The gate had no latch, and was ever-so-slightly open, there was no dog poop in the yard, no mention in my handheld of the presence of a canine, and yet, when I walked across the whole yard and got to the other side of the house, up hopped a little black beast, off the chair he jumped, and out the fence he ran. And I mean ran. This dog was fast!

I dropped my stuff and headed out after him, but there was just nothing for it. I was able to stick with him for about blocks, all around the neighborhood, but the very nature of this dog kept me from getting too close. I tried to stay back because whenever he saw me, he went from casually sniffing whatever was near, to sprinting at top speed like the devil was after him. Anyway, after about twenty minutes of this, I lost him. And to shorten the story up, I looked, asked the mail-lady to look, called Smalls and had her drive around looking, Smalls found the dog and tried to catch it-obviously not happening, met up with Smalls to try and corner the dog, even with both of us on the attack we lost the dog again, called my boss and she said to give up.

The moral of this side-story is that I lost a dog. I guess in essence you could say I stole the dog. So karma was against me, and payback attempted to exact its revenge the next day, when I went back to the same place to finish the route.

It was a beautiful warm day, and I had my windows down as I drove house to house getting the few meters left to me. I saw two boys walking around the neighborhood, but I had seen lots of kids walking around as it was time for school to be out. I was exhausted, having run seven miles that morning and having finished another route previously. Anyway, so I parked the car at the end of this side street I had to do, and left my windows down but locked the car. I had finished one side of the street and was working my way back up the other when I noticed hooded punk number one skulking around my car. My first thought was a suspicious thought, but I never expect to be actually thieved, so I dismissed it and kept working. But I pondered what was in my car that he could take, and upon realizing that my ipod was sitting in the open determined to keep my eye on the car until I finished the four houses left. So thinking, I came out of the backyard and glanced at my car, only to see said punk approach the car and stick his arm in the window, glancing around. I immediately yelled "Hey!" but as he didn't respond, I started running and continued "That's my car!", my voice getting slightly more aggressive. At this point he looked up and took off running. Another lady also took off running after him, tossing her high heels to the side as she ran down the street. It was an amazing group effort, but I was pretty sure he hadn't gotten anything, and confirmed it after getting in my car.

So I wasn't actually robbed. But the experience was exciting, and I was actually a little glad it happened. One, I realized I will fight for what's mine. Two, I also realized that me and this punk are bonded, joined together in this one moment that impacted both of our lives. I wondered what he thinks of me. Does he think-"stupid girl" and curse that I caught him? Or does he feel a little guilty and sad that I saw him? Was it just a fun rush for him, or something he does all the time? I don't know, and I'll never see him again probably, but I enjoy that we have shared this experience. That's all life is, experiences that we share with others. I had two really amazing experiences this past week that I will hopefully write about soon, but they made me realize the wonder of humanity, of every person no matter their mistakes or problems, no matter how it affects me.

So thank you punk. And thanks for not succeeding.

Why I Can't Leave My House

2009-03-26T22:22:00.003-06:00

Despite many plans of travel and adventure, I believe I'm staying in my house for a couple more months at the least. There are several reasons for this, some based on inspiration, some on fear of the unknown, and others are listed below.

Water. Water is very important. This shower may not look like much, but let me tell you, its amazing. Many college apartments have a problem with not enough hot water; if we have a problem in our house, its too much hot water! The only time there's ever been an issue was right when we moved in and were switching the utilities over to my name, and they turned the water off for a day because we didn't do it fast enough. Other than that, there's been plenty of water, and all of it hot. Do you know how delightful that is? And with some amazing water pressure to boot.

My bed. Sigh. How I love it. I don't know how it's so comfortable to me; its too short and nothing special, but man is it a delight. I lay in that thing and am instantly comforted, happy, at peace, I think I'll even use the word joy to describe it. How could I leave that bed?

And finally, look at these three. Some of the best roommates I've ever had, who I love so much and can't even bear the thought of leaving. Shoot, why mess up a great thing like this, just for a little variety and adventure? I can find adventure in other places-but there's no place like home!