Towage

Little events, little mistakes, can cause big ripples. Five and a half hears ago, I was silly and fell asleep while driving a moving vehicle, and now I can't work in Alaska in the biggest seasonal job industry there is. Five and a half years! Sometimes after the event, I like to look back on the thought process that led me to make such a mistake. It's usually quite ironic, the decision making that leads me to such fated blunders. I was driving the car because my boyfriend seemed tired, (we were both tired), and I thought, "I can't sleep cause I want to be with him as long as possible, so I'll drive and let him sleep." And yet, somehow, about fifteen minutes after I had taken over the wheel, my eyelids drooped, my focus got fuzzy, and I was swerving across the road in a daze. I then rolled and totalled the car, wrecked the relationship, and had a bloody knee and very sore neck to show for my smart thinking.

That's something of an extreme example. Probably the most extreme I have. But tonight, yet another lapse in judgement led me to park in a tow away zone, ignoring Lindsey's pleas to park in the United Way parking because I didn't know exactly where she was talking about, and I was too lazy to figure it out. Plus I guess I have this "I'm not afraid of you" sort of attitude, I want to see what I can get away with when it comes to parking and driving. Anyway, I saw the tow sign on the parking spot, but thought- 'who needs to shop at Jones and Glass at 9PM on a Friday night? No one. So why shouldn't I park there? We were only going to be two minutes, and I just didn't think it would matter. We did end up staying closer to 30 minutes, but I was not expecting the empty parking lot upon our arrival. Lindsey's' words "I feel like the car isn't here" brought little more than slight surprise as I scanned the area for my little PT. Nothing there. Realization dawned slowly, and I simultaneously fell into a state of shock and disbelief. They towed my car? Why would they do it? Why did they tow my car? Jackie came to the rescue, supplying plenty of attitude and the phone power needed to locate my poor stolen vehicle.

Okay, I'm tired and distracted and need to wrap this up. So $133 dollars later, I have my car back, as well as the knowledge that those no parking-tow away zones are serious business. I feel I learned something tonight, and created a memory to keep 1-09-09 in my mind forever. I just love having friends to share moments like this with. I love that earlier these same friends and I had a picnic on the floor of my house in the biggest Arbys binge I've ever seen. I love that money is just money, and that somehow I feel a little bit more like an adult after this experience.

But I also hope I'll think a little bit more about my actions. I always feel so bad for those people who somehow accidentally kill someone or do some other life-altering damage without meaning to, just from one stupid act they didn't even think about. I hope this new year I can be wiser, think a bit more of consequences, and laugh louder at the stupid mistakes I do make.

Christmas

I love the book A Christmas Carol. I read it every year and wish I could just run and dance with wild abandon and Christmas joy as Scrooge does. This year I underlined parts that I really liked, and thought I'd make a list of some of those parts here. So here you go-a toast to Christmas cheer.

'There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say'

'Christmas time... [is a] good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'

'oh!...Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities missed!...Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all, my business...Why did I walk through crowds of fellowbeings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode? Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!'

'The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.'

'I told you these were shadows of the things that have been...That they are what they are, do not blame me!'

'Come in! and know me better, man!'

'As good as gold... and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.'

'Man, if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child.'

'But they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.'

'And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him.'

'But being thoroughly good-natured, and not much caring what they laughed at, so that they laughed at any rate, he encouraged them in their merriment.'

'For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child himself.'

'Now it wasn't for the sake of anything he might be able to do for us, so much as for his kind way, that this was quite delightful.'

'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.'

'Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!'

'I don't know what to do! ..I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!'

'but he knew what path lay straight before him, and he took it.'

'His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!'

Merry Christmas!

The Fates Have Spoken

So it looks like I'm going to Utah State for school. It's been the plan for some time now, but I rarely act on these plans I map out, and I've been hesitating to make any definite decisions, simply because its hard and I don't want to. However, once I heard Utah State was playing BYU at hockey last night, I determined that I would go to the game, and if Utah State won I would go to school there; if not, I'd come up with an alternative plan. Well, they kicked our trash and won 5-0. So I guess there's no doubt now-I just gotta move forward and trust that hockey will not lead me astray. It never has before, right?
Well, maybe wrong. but I also had another neat experience last night, where I was distraught and-as always these days-angry, but then talked to someone and it transformed the anger to empathy and compassion (weird word but I can't find a better), helping me see that others have problems too and just need a little support at times. It feels wonderful and I'm much more at peace, so it seems that hockey is, indeed, the answer to everything.
Good to know.

Don't wanna stand alone

So today I had a really neat experience. And I'm turning it into a whine fest. Darn it! But that's how it goes. today my grandparents were sealed in the temple. My real grandma has never been to the temple before. she's had quite the past, wasn't active for a long time, has smoked all her life, coffee, you know, normal ranchin' stuff. My not real grandpa apparently has been to the temple, but I think it was a while ago. Well, my grandma has been getting more and more "churchy", and quit coffee and smoking. Just up and quit smoking, after years and years of addiction. She's been working really hard, and so has my grandpa, always talking about when they'd go to the temple. It seemed like it would be a long ways away. Until I went home for Thanksgiving and was told they were going through the salt lake temple on december 4th.
Wow.
Of course I went. And it was so special to see them, my tiny little grandma in her white dress, feeling so happy and special. Everyone was so nice to them. It was the first time I've ever been in the temple with family, the first family sealing I've seen. And it was so neat, and I'm so glad I could be there. for the session, the sealing, the standing around after, the dinner in the cafeteria, the standing in the cold making sure they got to their ride.

But then I was also very sad. I walked into the waiting room before the session, knowing that probably over half the people there were there for my grandparents, but I didn't recognize any of them. I sat alone. Luckily this chatty lady sat by me and heard my whole story, told me hers, and it was fine. that's how it always is, and I'm pretty used to doing this kind of thing alone.

the session was great. the rooms are beautiful. later some relative of mine....well, lets see. a relative of my grandpa, came and she was really good about finding me and including me in everything the rest of the day. i was introduced to a lot of people. Not sure who they were, but nice to at least know we were all there for the same people. we went into the sealing room, and i didn't know where to sit. I had been talking to some people, but I remembered some rift our families had had in the past, and wasn't sure I should sit by them. didn't know where to sit. sat on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone. then I started hearing my name. everyone whispering about me. "oh, that's kent's daughter" "shena, she served a mission.." "no, I don't think she's married" just a lot of tittering, and I couldn't look around because I didn't want to watch them talk about me. And i felt even more this sense of non-belonging. my family is a mess, and its hard to sort out everyone and though they were all well-intentioned, i didn't belong to any of them. And i found myself wishing i did.belong to someone. had someone there to sit by, to follow around. during the changing and eating process, i attached myself to various almost relatives, and really, after this night, i feel closer to a lot of them. i really like them.

but so much standing alone. looking around for someone new to care about me, even just long enough to tell me where to go next, what was happening. Lori was the best. she had me sit on the "brides side" for the sealing. i didn't understand at first and when she told me to sit up there, i just whispered, "there are sides?" and felt foolish, like i'd been sitting on grandpa's side where, apparently, i didn't belong. but all is well, and i think i won them over. they'll be saying what a dear girl i am, and so on and so forth, but all i wanted as i walked back to the parking garage, alone, in the cold darkening night, was to be walking back with someone. someone i belonged to. family, husband, i'm just so tired of doing this alone. i want someone to lean on.

that's all.

WIGS

Goals. I love making goals. I don't know why, when I never end up keeping them and just feel frustrated at falling short of my ideals. But the idea, the concept of getting better, the thought of progression, is too enticing to wholly give up on, and I always seem to end up back at the "drawing board," planning out the lines and points that will eventually get me to where I want to be. I make goals about things I want to do, places I want to go, projects I want to accomplish, books I want to read, exercise, spiritual practices, how much water I'm gonna drink...it's so hard, even though water is key!!!

Anyway, in this book I read a few years ago, the author talks about "Wildly Improbable Goals," and every time I look through that section of the book I get a tinge of excitement at the prospect of setting these goals and seeing them happen. Cause these aren't your ordinary, week-to-week goals. The purpose is to use the goals to find and do that which, deep down, you're burning to do, to live and accomplish things that you're passionate about, even if you don't know it. So I was looking at the book again today, and felt like I needed to set a few more of these goals. I'm at quite the cross-road in my life, and am about to set off on a path to purpose and fulfillment, and I think getting in touch with these deep-rooted dreams will help guide me along. But first I wanted to post my old goals, because its neat to me to see that some goals never change, and also that some have come true. So on March 17, 2006, I made the following goals:

1. Join the folk dance team and perform (completed in 2007)
2. Perform 3 songs that I wrote (I've never "performed" anywhere, but I have played some of my songs for friends
3. Go backpacking in Alaska (not done, but looking likely this summer!)
4. Travel Europe
5. Be part of a humanitarian effort

I added a couple more sometime this year, written in my book somewhat hastily:

Go to Hawaii (Liz, I think that's when we were planning on going..how dare you go without me?!)
Learn to play the cello
Go back to Albania
Run a half marathon
Folk Music

The last one is something need to focus on now. All of a sudden, I have this great desire again to play my violin, and get really good at it. I love it. I just hate that I suck at it, but that's not gonna stop me! I don't really know what goal to set; the book says to find things that you absolutely love and then make goals that are nigh unto impossible regarding those things. hmmm. So things I love and wanted to focus on are:

again, the guitar and writing songs
violin
dance...and actually choreographing dances, which is ridiculous and I can't do it, but I want to. When I see some forms of dance, or hear certain music, I just wish I could dance and fly and express what I feel...
snowboarding
languages-I think I need to focus on Spanish and really learn it
and then something, something to help, some way I can hear about problems in the world and not just feel paralyzed with frustration and helplessness, but actually contribute to a solution.

Vague. Very vague. Maybe I should have waited till I had some actual, specific goal to accomplish these things. But this'll help get me there, I think. So it also says in the book that when you make these goals, then you start to be drawn to things that lead you to your goal, or you're made aware of opportunities, and if anyone has advice or knows of something that'll point me in the right direction, lemme know! I'll do the same for you if given a glimpse of your dreams.

Last quote that I love from this book:
"Your mission in life is where your deep joy and the world's deep hunger meet" ~Richard Bolles

Count Your Blessings

Every time. Every single time I'm looking forward to sleeping in-the one day I have to sleep in-my dad calls around 7 or 7:30, just to chat. I was up late last night, and today have to work even though its Saturday and I really want a break, so I meant to sleep in and then go to the all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at 10:00, and my dad calls at 7:30 to tell me about electricity and the progress they are making on the bathroom. Ai me. The funny thing is, I do the same thing to him. My parents get up early. Generally before 6 AM, every day. They are always up. But the rare occasions I decide to call them in the morning, sure its no problem because they're up anyway, they are in fact in bed, sleeping blissfully. Its probably good, sleep is not so important, right? Its just my mental state thinking I get to sleep, and when I'm denied that it takes a minute to accept.

But I do accept it. I love my dad so much, and I love talking to him, and I would never not have him wake me up on Saturday morning just to shoot the breeze, because that's what makes our relationship great. And that's also what leads me to be sitting here, writing this post at 8:23 in the morning on the eighth of November. I thought about getting back in bed. But then I thought-I have a few random thoughts, maybe I'll jot them down. So here we go.

Yesterday was a great day. The 7th. Good number. My job, which has been frustrating me, did not frustrate me, and the weather was beautiful. I played with two cute kittens who lifted my spirits. I also saw two little mini-tornado's swirling leaves around. The first was incredible. It started out circling the leaves on the ground, and then, just like in Twister, the leaves started rising in the air. I stood mesmerized. The second made me curious what its like inside a twister, so I jumped in it, and it promptly calmed into nothing. But I was happy.

I went to a great hockey game. I'm very into hockey right now, thanks to a great friend who goes with me every game. We have the best mindless banter I've ever experienced in my life. As good as I get with my family, brothers and all, I think due to the fact that we know each other less well, so its always a surprise what the other will say. He seriously has the best comebacks for all my ridiculous statements, like "your mom was a siderail." I believe his response to that was "she's never been a siderail in her life." He refutes so well what I say that all I can do is laugh. Anyway, I enjoy it, and I discovered that the food is really cheap! I always expected it to be expensive, like at the movie theater, but no. Cheap McCheaperson. Then there's the dancing. Its partly an attempt to stay warm, and partly this new phenomenon that I just gotta groove, can't keep it to myself, so with all the music, I'm hopping, jumping, twisting, singing, lettin it all hang out, so to speak. And I love it. And I've even gotten my friend to sing into the microphone for me. So good times.

I also have been thinking about how happy I am right now. With my life. It's odd, because I don't know what's up with my life, where its headed, or even where it will take me after April. But right now, its delightful. I feel more comfortable here than I ever have before. I love my roommates so much, and get along with them so well, my house feels like home, and I have friends. Good friends. Friends I eat Sunday dinners with, friends I jam with, friends I sit around and do nothing with, go to shows, games, square dancing, watch movies, plan sleepovers and fort-building, friends I am myself around and feel perfectly accepted. Friends who talk about Albania, and know just what that amazing experience was like. Honestly, every night in my prayers I thank God for my amazing friends and for being so blest by them, because every day something happens that makes me happy, cheers me up, and gives me reason to thank Him. That is neat to me.

I also have time. Not a lot, but not the stress that at every minute, I should be studying, reading a textbook, working on this assignment. That's lovely. I am planning on going back to school, and it excites me because I'll always love learning, but for now, the freedom and leisure is great. I don't use my time to work on any of the numerous projects I have to do, but I have it all the same.

By the way, I just applied to work in Alaska this summer. I hope that pans out.

And I think that is all. Thank you Dad for waking me up to enjoy this beautiful morning and have a little time to recount how blessed I am right now. Last words: my turtle is amazing. Over and out.

Happy Voting

I voted today!

It's the first time I've voted. How horrible is that? I've never been very into politics. I just don't understand it very well, and anyone who knows me knows I don't like what I don't understand. I thought politicians were liars and I never saw my opinion mattering or making a difference.

But recently I've learned a little about politics and government. I took a couple of classes that changed my opinion and helped me realize that the more I learn about issues, the more I care. And that if we all got a little more involved, we really could make a difference. Actually, by doing anything, we have a large likelihood of influencing something, just because no one else is doing anything.

The problem is that now I care a little too much, I think. I get angry about political issues, about our lack of involvement, and mostly, about people's lack of understanding. I admit that most issues are very complicated, and there really is no definite right or wrong. I tend to by swayed by both sides as I hear about them, leaving me undecided in the middle, but very frustrated with people who strongly support a side they know little about. Maybe its because I'm unwilling to really study an issue and come to a conclusion; I just sort of waver and waffle about the "complexity" of it all. But when I hear people spout off about things, and how stupid people are for thinking differently than them, I get really angry. Obviously, the answer is not so straight-forward, or there wouldn't be a bunch of other people who disagree. Anything that people feel strongly about is at least worth looking into, isn't it? Or are we saying their opinion, their thoughts, are just unimportant and invalid, because they're different from ours? I have a lot to say about this, and I can't now because its late, but what I'm really saying is that I want to be politically involved, and then I think I shouldn't because I'm too easily riled up, because it makes me think unkindly about others and I don't like that.

I also don't like that despite resolute goals to be an "informed" voter, I didn't actually study any issues, didn't read up about any of the people I voted for except the president. I looked over their profiles in the packet I got, but felt confused and overwhelmed and unsure about what I thought, so I stopped reading and blindly voted. Ah shoot. I am that person I hate. Hmm. Good title.

On a hopeful note, I voted today. To make a difference. I don't know what difference I was aiming for. But there you have it. Baby steps, eh?