9-09-09

Today was a good day. Lovely really, and exceptional in that my Tuesdays of late have been really crappy. We've called them Tuesday Bluesdays, and have required hot fudge sundaes from McDonald's just to make it through (By we I mean Smalls and me). Well, last week Smalls told me we needed to break the streak, stop letting this rut take over our lives. Last Tuesday was alright, not great. But good enough that I was pretty sure today would be fine. And it was! I woke up happy, like not just a lack of sadness or unhappiness, but a joy and giddiness for life. I had a beautiful route up by the canyon where the morning scent floated around me and the sun slowly warmed me. We got the sundaes more out of celebration than need, and then I even obtained some pleasure studying for class. Which, in turn, made class more enjoyable because I was prepared and knew what we were talking about.

Then I came home and talked to my good friend Derek, while simultaneously going for a nice walk around Provo on a beautiful evening, and maybe one of the last where bear feet will be an option. And this brings me to my point, and the reason I'm blogging tonight. Well first, I love numbers. I've been ecstatic about the whole month of September, the 9's!!! Delicious. I thought of 9-07-09 and how cool that was. Today I even enjoyed the 9-08-09, and wrote it often at school. But I never stopped to consider the enormous import of Wednesday, 9-09-09. Look at that! It's wonderful. Luckily, Derek reminded me by reading a flyer of a party his mom had been invited to, and I am now sitting up late at night, or rather, early on this momentous day, wondering how to best celebrate a day charged with such possibility.

Which brings me to my never-ending quandary...how to celebrate anything? I'm all for celebrations, and ever since junior high I've talked about equinox parties and solstice celebrations. Talked, and never acted. One, because a celebration with one person is odd, but so are most of my party ideas so its hard to find people interested. But also, I just can't think what to do. I've danced around a time or two. Gone for walks or hikes. But really, there's got to be something better. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know!

Maybe I could think back to when I was nine years old. hmmm. I lived in Utah. I was into tumbling, probably in some ridiculous class that dressed me up as a ninja turtle and made me prance around. I liked bouncy balls alot. We used to play with them all recess. Also into riding bikes. And going to the cement pipes. There was a field with lots of cement pipes all around, and a couple piled up into a pretty high pyramid, and we climbed all over those things. We went skiing occasionally. I wanted to be a singer, and can remember singing into one of those dusty-broom things at the top of my lungs, to classics such as "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston, and "Baby sometimes love just ain't enough" by Don Henley and someone else, Smalls says Celine Dione. I think I did some ridiculous tumbling routine in school with Julie, to Paula Abdul's "Two steps back" song. wow.

enough of that. How about 9 favorite things? that's so repetitive for me. 9 favorite things about life. I like it.

1. (pause) this is harder than I thought. maybe I'm trying to go too deep. simplify.
humour- I like that we all have to sit down and laugh sometimes at the ridiculous things that happen to all of us.

2. commonality-we're all human and therefore share a lot of things. Growth, feelings, pain, loss, joy, accomplishment. we have different experiences, but most of these generalize to help us understand others' experience, at least when we try. I really like that about humankind.

3. hope-the way things work out better than I think they will. I have a tendency to imagine the worst in many scenarios, and to leave life hanging at that moment when all is lost and can never be recovered. The amazing thing is, even when worse than the worst I imagined happens, its a moment, one that is followed by so many more moments that in time, that moment disappears or ceases to matter. Despite the possibility for sorrow and heartache, loneliness or disappointment, I still have hope, knowing that things have always gotten better in the past, and they will in the future when something goes wrong. I guess that leads into my next point;

4. "We are intrepid. We carry on" (bonus for anyone who can name that movie...and is still reading this). Life goes on. Changes, always always changes. So many cases that have seemed hopeless, lost causes, going nowhere-followed by learning, change, growth, a new direction, always the possibility of a new direction. I love that. That perspective that in ten years, twenty, fifty, things will be different. Different things will matter. It never ends. Until it ends.

5. Obviously the opportunity to learn and grow. The atonement plays a very huge role in this. I love the symbolism of a new day, a new dawning, birth. I love it because I need it; I think we all do. And we have it. And because of mistakes, because we travel long and far into the night, getting lost, downhearted, frantic, we learn to be wiser next time, we learn to do better. We learn to empathize with those who get off track. We learn, in short, to be human. I like being human.

6. feeling more than human. You know those brief moments when you seem to touch something, to reach out to the divine...to be divine? I went to the canyon a few months ago, and I looked at the mountain, and thought of it so strong and firm and ancient. I thought of how many years those rocks have looked down from above, how many things they've seen. They've felt wind and rain, sunshine and moonshine. They've seen birth and death, loving and fighting. They've watched things be built and destroyed. They've stood firm through it all, immovable, untouched, almost, through the tides of time. It's amazing. And more amazing still is the fact that I'm older than those hills. My spirit has been around way longer, has seen and done and known. I am ancient! and that thought is cool to me. It makes me feel stronger. wiser. less movable.

7. love. There are so many kinds of love. That itself is amazing. and i'm glad that our ability to love grows as we do. Unconditional love for family, that maybe turns conditional at times ;) the thrill of loving others, getting to know others that are unfamiliar to us, different from us, and learning the mystery and excitement of them, the complexity of each human, and seeing the wonder within. I think I have only allowed myself to love a small number of people, something I hope to change, to expand. I think when I take the effort to know someone, I love them. I want to make more effort.

8. unpredictable-life is so uncertain, and we struggle and fight all our lives to define, understand, and predict what will happen, when, how, where, why...seeking some magical formula that will tell us what will happen at all stages of life. I seek for that control, mostly, and struggle right along with everyone else. But there are times. Sweet moments of acceptance and surrender, when I acknowledge I don't know what's happening, and never ever will. Even when things seem sure, certain, each day brings with it an element of surprise. And that's nice. My plans change about every week, so if I was truly in control of my life, I'd be a mess from so many false starts.

9. desire to live-I have such a strong desire to live, to truly live. I haven't mastered that skill yet. Mostly I live in some dream world, or live through someone else's perspective. At times, i get so caught up in some ridiculous thought that I turn frantic, and have even considered the possibility of dying in different ways. And whenever that though turns a little bit real in my head, or whenever I'm actually placed in a life-threatening situation, I feel this burning desire to live, to stay here, with all the problems, the fears, the issues or whatever, because life, no matter how hard or horrific at times, is beautiful. And the horror can add to the beauty, can add to the humanness, to the feeling. These moments make up me, and I want to be me, and to live to become a better me.

Alright, bring on the 9's. I think I'm ready for 'em.