James 1:8

"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

That about sums it up. I've been struggling lately. Well, for a long time, I guess, though it gets worse in stages and better at times, but overall a general downward trend that has of late worried me. I have doubted my beliefs and the way I live to an extent I never would have imagined possible. I can't say how it started exactly, though i wonder sometimes. I know a couple of really hard things happened, and I kind of questioned God a little bit. But it wasn't so much the questioning as the fact that during those times, the gospel hurt. I didn't want to read my scriptures or go to church, because somehow those things got wrapped up in the pain and became painful to me. So I read less, and I went to church a little less. Then I would have times of searching; I'd go seek answers, solace, comfort, alone where I could stare at the stars and commune. And I always felt answered. Loved. I felt God's presence and recommitted. Good waves, bad waves. Sometimes I think I would rebel, do something wrong, and then in attempting to justify it or rationalize it, I would turn away from God. Question why we have to live certain ways, and if I really believe I need to live this way. If I really believe it will make me happy.

A brief and silly example-when I was in junior high, my best friend and I wanted to start a band. I remember one day sitting on this bridge after school, planning out our future. We would move to Seattle, be in a band, spend our nights drinking and smoking and partying, jamming on stage, that whole "Rolling Stone" identity. I wanted that. Kind of.

But then another part of me was disappointed in that. And as I got into the church, gained the firstlings of a testimony, and decided to change my life, I remember the struggle to give that up. Specifically I remember sitting outside, looking in my kitchen window all lit up, and thinking-I want that. I want a family, I want a home, peace, stability, righteousness. (Not that my family was righteous, but you know. That's the mormon ideal). And I had to decide:which do I want more?

I chose the gospel. I chose the family life. And ever since I've been wanting that. I've been wanting a husband, and kids, and a home, and cozy Christmas' dancing around the tree in pajamas, etc. My testimony has grown since then. I had it tested many times, and I always stuck to my beliefs. In California, where I was just a big goob with no friends cause I was scared of the church kids (they used to judge me and I never could be friends with them), and avoiding the druggie types that I was naturally drawn to. Through college, with various temptations, tests, questions. During my mission, where I experienced miracles and unquestionable proof of God's existence. And even after, in my struggles, in my dealing with hard things, I stuck to my guns. And then, recently, as I get older and my dreams are just as far away as they ever were, and the allure of the world and certain pleasures it offers call, I looked back and wondered at that decision.

I'm ashamed, but I had this thought. I was looking through facebook, and some of my old junior high friends have befriended me. So I looked at their profiles, their lives, and honestly started crying. I'm such as selfish jerk. They're married! They all have like three kids, married, homes...they weren't good! They did the drugs, they had the sex! They rebelled, and they got what I want! Isn't this awful? But I just thought, why did I change? Why try to live right, to just be stuck old and alone, and now, at this stage of my life, wanting to join a band, travel, make music because its the only thing that fills my soul.

That was my battle, and I seriously started wondering. Maybe I should just go live that life. Maybe, deep down, I never completely gave it up. I don't believe that, even for a second, and yet here I am, back where I was, on the fence and trying to live a double life. Am I doing it for other people? I don't know. Is it my search for identity? Probably. I'm taking a developmental psychology class, and as I learn about identity development in adolescence, I think I never really developed mine. And now, as I struggle to find myself, I realize that the church was just inherently a part of this lack of person that I was, and I think that's why I'm questioning it. I'm questioning everything, trying to find what makes up me and what are elements I've adopted throughout the years because I was supposed to, or because it was cool.

What I want to get at before you worry too much about me is that I'm on an upward swing. As I questioned, I also realized that without a doubt I know the gospel is true. I've never heard the Josef Smith story without feeling it was true, even when I've listened through the ears of an incredulous investigator who didn't believe a word of it. I know I've been inspired, and I know Heavenly Father has talked to me. I know it! And as I've recommitted once again to read my scriptures every day (that's where it all falls apart-not reading), I've found an identity that I am comfortable with. Not a mindless follower, brainwashed into a belief I don't understand, but a girl, honestly trying to live right, to be kind, to love and serve and build, who needs the help of an understanding Father to teach me the right way.

So it's time to get off this fence. Even now, part of me is thinking...am I really ready to give this up? Am I really committed to living this way forever, no doubts, faithful and true, etc? And I hesitate, and I think I need some more time to think about it, to make sure I mean it, to stay on this fence a little longer. Do I think I can see better from up here? Looking at both sides? I don't know. I don't know. But I know James told me that I'm unstable, and will be until I pick one side or the other. Frustrating really, to travel on one side for so long, walking away from that darn fence, only to find at some point I circled back and made my way to that same fence again, only to climb aboard and wonder. But you know. Such is life.

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded." James 4:7-8