Full Circle

It is 6:45 on a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up at 5, felt like I should look outside, and after a little delay, did. Only to see a wonderful snow covered world, with thick snowflakes still falling. I turned on the lights on our Christmas tree (and Tuga's light cause I woke her up), and sat on the couch watching the peacefully falling snow. Ah world, how beautiful you are.

The reason I woke at 5 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep is not beautiful, however. The comforting thing about being really stupid is that everyone expects you to be so. I did something, and its a joy to think that when everyone finds out, they won't be horrified and surprised at this ridiculous act of insanity, so unlike my normal character. No, everyone will just think "Shena!", with head shakes and chuckles, knowing perfectly well I'm only doing what I do.

5 or 6 weeks ago I had a very traumatic incident with my hair. I was very humbled. I made vows. I then went the longest I have gone all year without coloring my hair-the above noted time. A couple of weeks ago I began to think about some highlights. For the holidays you know, a little warm glow. I had decided that I didn't want to be blonde. I liked the darker look and it looks better on me. I just wanted a little bit of lightening, a little warmth in my hair. So I thought of going to a stylist-no way was I doing it myself. But I kept putting it off, waiting, thinking, deliberating, wondering what I really wanted and determined not to act impulsively.

Until a fated phone call with my good friend Julie. I'd been looking at her wedding pictures, and wondered about her blonde hair. Then miraculously she called and we talked, which is always delightful, and I asked her about her hair then. She said she had highlighted it herself with those self-kits. Oh? Highlight it yourself, eh? My mind began turning, as only my mind can. That's not so hard. She did it! Maybe I could...

I think we all know the story from here. It's upsetting really. To add a few details, a friend had been in town and while it's always great seeing him, it also always makes me a little crazy, a little upset, a little reckless. I had been thinking about this plan for a day or two when I got the most upset, and that was the end. Went to the store. Bought the kit. Julie, I do not blame you at all. Obviously, I have no right to. She warned me, cautioned, was going to get me details if I would just wait, but I did not. As I was doing it, I felt ill. I kept telling myself not to, bad idea, I liked my hair how it was, why change it? Cause I really have been enjoying the color it was. Why indeed.

That's what upsets me. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I didn't even want to. It wasn't fun. I don't know who I think I am, but I don't have patience enough to dry and straighten my hair, let alone pull it through these little holes evenly and carefully...I didn't do the strand test because it was late and I was tired. I knew that was bad too but I didn't listen to myself.

The result was not a warm glow to my dark blonde hair. If you are curious, I refer you to previous pictures of my bleached hair, but perhaps on a lesser scale. There was less red, and if I had been more precise and covered my head better, it would have worked nicely to give me blonde hair. But I was impatient, and my dark roots were a glaring contrast to the blonde bangs.

I went to bed overcome with more regret that I have felt in as long as I can remember. I honestly looked at myself in the mirror and wished more than anything that I could go back in time and redo. That I could change things. I have to say that, of all the mistakes I've made in my life, I usually don't wish I could change anything. As I lay there last night, tyring to fall into oblivion and forget what I had done, I wondered what else I would go back and change. Or re-live. I couldn't think of anything. Usually I value the experience or lesson enough to make the pain worth it. Not last night, though. Didn't I learn this lesson already? Which led me to the despairing thought that I am beyond change. I am too far gone and will never overcome anything. I get so dramatic at night!

I woke up at 5, as noted, and decided to try one last effort. I would dye my hair. I had a box of medium blonde dye from the last fiasco; we had bought the dye for the developer and then not used it. I had plenty of time, so I did a strand to test it. Test didn't tell me much, but I eventually decided that I had to risk it. So I did it. It's still not dry; 6 in the morning I didn't want to wake everyone with a blow dyer. But from what I can see, its all thankfully one color, and that color is: blonde! Ha! I did it. I got my blonde hair. After all this, effort, mistakes, mishap, pain, regret, I now have what I then wanted.

I felt very philosophical and spiritual this morning. I was thinking about last night's despair, and realized that the first horrible hair happenstance led to a very happy result. I loved that brown color. What had been terrible turned out alright. so I wondered, and I hoped, if maybe once more the end-of-the-world event would turn out okay, maybe even get me somewhere better in the end. It was encouraging to know that. I want to stop making stupid mistakes. But even when I make them, its not over, its not the end. Things right themselves, things continue, it gets better. Always that possibility.

I have also realized that I've come full circle. I am where I tried so desperately to be a month and a half ago. that's cool. And I don't want to be here anymore. I wasted so much money, I ruined my hair, all for blonde hair. And I don't want it. It made me think about other things I want so badly for a time, that I focus all my efforts at getting, that I let consume me in order to obtain, only to find later I don't want it anymore. This could be a lesson in my fickleness, but I think more truthfully its a lesson in how life changes, and maybe we should be careful what we want and how much effort we use trying to force it. Though, if I hadn't gone through the journey, I probably wouldn't know I no longer wanted it. So I guess we need to want, we need to work, and if we end up not wanting it, hm.

Then we have unwanted blonde hair.