Commitment

I am in class right now. We were talking about leadership and qualities of leaders. I've been learning and remembering some things about myself as a leader as I get acclimatized to my new job. In some ways I'm a good leader; in others I struggle and need to get better. We went over this list of traits and rated ourselves, and one in particular stood out to me.

Commitment.

I believe I am the antithesis of commitment. I just took a break to discuss a project we're doing with a classmate, and the last words I said were "I'm giving up." An illustration of my point.

I am not commited to my new job. I have a conversation in my head everyday of what I will say when I tell them I'm not staying, which I plan to do soon, when I commit to burning that bridge. I am not commited to staying in Provo-I keep talking about getting out- but I am not commited to leaving-I exert very little effort to find a job elsewhere or set up a future for myself somewhere else.

I am not commited to my program. Last week I went into a frenzy thinking I was dropping out and heading into a different field. I don't ever want to work full time. Or if I do I want to love my job. That has happened very few times in my life, though it has happened. So I gravitate back towards that happy field, but its not a career. Apparently I need a career.

I am not commited to paying off my debt or saving money for cool things. I want to get a bike and start mountain biking. I want to run a half marathon. I want to go sky diving. I want to play the banjo and fiddle. I do nothing but feel frustrated at my life. I'm in a funk now so this is all more negative than my usual perspective, but I'm certainly feeling negative right now.

I am not commited to getting over obsessions that have plagued me for a long time. I am not commited to yoga. Or reading scriptures. Or eating healthy. Or anything else I want to do. It's like I lost control of my life. And I feel desparate, and in need of shaking up, and impulsive. I want to commit. To something. I just can't choose what, and then I cant control myself to stick to it.

Cant cant cant.

Problem? : I don't believe in anything. Nothing in my life seems worthwhile. Nothing matters. So I wish I could just let go of it all and go enjoy myself. If I am to be meaningless, lets enjoy it eh?

I am, apparently, not commited to life. How horrible.

Next week, I hope, my post will be much different. Excited, hopeful, enthusiastic. Cloud Cult couldn't come at a better time. Hormones are bad. I am bipolar and very much ruled by the moon. That's all. My apologies for the pity party.