I'm a spaz

Ah crap. I don't think I can add pictures now. Not that I use them so very much, but I have goals of enhancing my blog with photo soon. But I don't have a place to do it anymore. Or spellcheck. Lindsey!!!! Help!!!! If you do I'll come to Vermont and ride back with you.

Also, it was reaffirmed to me that I am a spaz. I may be turning 28 this month, but as far as social skills go I'm barely on par with a 7 year old. Julie, do you remember when we made all those thread bracelet things and then wanted to sell them? We got really into making these bracelets and necklaces and such, and then we set up this table in my front yard and put everything on it and waited for someone to pass by. I lived on a fairly busy street, lots of cars but not a lot of walkers, so we waited a while, but eventually this guy came down the road. As soon as I saw that his passing was inevitable, I screamed and ran behind the house. Julie followed. That put an end to our enterprising business goals.

I think I do the same thing still. Mostly I am talking about guys and being around them. I seem to have never figured out how to do it. There are plenty of cute guys I encounter, but I have no idea how to interact with them, so I often just run away and avoid all contact. The other alternative to my running away is much more embarassing, and also much more common these days.

Again, I will refer to Julie as the expert witness to many of my absurd, obnoxious calls for attention. I had a crush on her older brother and an almost psychotic need to impress him. Whenver he was around, I struggled so hard to act like I couldn't care less what he thought, all the way watching every move to gauge his reaction to what I was doing; odd really, given that his reaction was never positive yet I continued doing what I was doing. I was loud and silly and could never think straight so whatever I said, loud though it was, made no sense, followed no logical reasoning, and had nothing to do with anyone else's comments.

This was just the behavior I exhibited working at Outback on Monday. There I was, casually going about my job with the coolest of demeanors, when in walked two field staff doing another transport. One staff was cute but I had never met him before; the second was none other than hotty mc-hotterson. Wow, I've never spelled that before. It looks weird. Anyway, this guy is smokin' and also amazingly wonderful. I worked with him...three years ago now? Anyway, at work I saw a wonderful, deep, thoughtful side of him that makes him delightful, but he is also a horrendous tease and was always joking around with the female staff. This is not the type of guy I am interested in. He was obviously too cool for me. But he always teased me too, and try as I might, I could never help but grin the biggest smile whenver he talked to me. It was like I was under a spell, and I was embarassed everytime because I thought he could see how I was completely smitten.

Well, anyway, three years have passed and turns out we've both returned to Outback for a bit. And in he walked, beautiful as ever, cracking jokes, cool, calm, collected. And what the hell was I doing? No idea. Talking loudly to the girl I was working with. Moving in exagerated, eratic ways designed I suppose to illicit attention, and possibly perform a dance move as well. I wouldn't put it past me. I'm sure I immediately started sweating. I told exuberant stories and tried to amp up my outdoor knowledge, probably more for new guys benefit since he hadn't worked with me before. Honestly, I was shaking my head at myself, but couldn't get under control until they left.

Is this pathetic or what? And humorous, I suppose. I don't really care what they think. Like, I could never see them again and it wouldn't matter to me. So it's odd that I can't just talk reasonably with people and not act like a deer in headlights. But somehow there's this part of me that becomes a handicapped toddler around boys, and I'm not at all surprised to find myself in the situation I am in. Why do I fall to peices like that? I just don't know. I guess I just laugh at myself and think that's what it means to be human, but honestly. what the deuce?

P.S. I have quit Telos and am OVERJOYED at that, and have worked at Outback everyday this week, so things are picking up there to make up for the other job. Plans are incredibly sketchy for the summer but shoot, when are they not for me? It's part of my spaziness. Right?