Put it on the back burner

So I almost took a job this summer where I would have been living in the forests of Washington, working with the forest service, getting experience for my future, and getting in shape. It sounded perfect. The drawback: I'd be working the whole summer and wouldn't be able to go to church for about three months. The crazy thing is I really considered it. I did the phone interview, basically had the job if I wanted it, and I seriously thought it out and considered the pros and cons...the guy said people who are religious just have to "put it on the back burner" for a couple of months. All right, I thought. My faith is pretty strong, and gets stronger when I'm out in nature.

And then I realized what he'd said. Put it on the back burner? What is that? Is that something I was really willing to do? Did I have such little testimony and commitment? It suddenly seemed very clear and I knew I couldn't take that job. Instead I went back to a prior place of employment, where I only have to miss church every other Sunday. Not ideal, but do-able for a short period of time. So I started last week and spent my first week back out in the desert, camping and hiking and learning new things about myself. And I realized very early on that I have, in fact, put my faith on the back burner, not from necessity, just from life and where I'm at right now. I don't really know what to do. I'm a little worried, a little shocked, and mostly apathetic. I found myself doing and saying things out there that I wouldn't have dreamed of before. And I listened as other LDS people would talk about their faith, and I think I scorned them slightly. Very well and good, for you. But does it really mean anything to you? I know it does, yet for some reason I can't make it mean anything to me.

It's still there. I read a book, and I feel it. I want to do better. But then you know what? I don't. I don't do better. And I'm sick of the inconsistency, sick of the wishy-washy back and forth game that I'm playing right now. How many times can I recommit? How many times can I pledge that I really mean it, that I'm going to do better, that I'll prove myself...and then go out and do the same damn things over again? I guess I'm really into a sort of "do what you feel" mode, and I don't really feel like forcing things. The problem is I don't feel like praying, and I don't feel like reading scriptures, and every time I do, I feel the Spirit, I feel it's right. But I'm tired. And the effort to do those things is slowly eluding me more and more. A lot of times you have to hit bottom to start coming back up...I don't want that to happen. I don't want to do that to myself willingly, when enough things come along and knock me down anyway. But I have been knocked down, and I've tried to pick myself up, and it's not happening somehow.

So I'm just whining. Complaining, like I normally do, without really wanting a solution. Getting it out where no one can try to offer me advice or try to "fix" me. I've gotten to a point I never thought I would, and I think I know how to get away from this point if I'd just try. But I've been trying, and I can't take these half-assed attempts anymore. What's the point? That's the problem, I've lost sight of the point of it all. But not really. I know. I'm just tired, I'm so damn tired. I see in others the example of who I want to be, and somehow I just drift further and further away. I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to be reminded of how bad I am, how much I have to feel sorry for. I can't pretend. I'm not a rock. People call me a rock, and I'm not. I'm mush, I'm weak, I'm not asking for help, I don't even know what I need. I guess I'm just saying please forgive me.