Why I Can't Leave My House

Despite many plans of travel and adventure, I believe I'm staying in my house for a couple more months at the least. There are several reasons for this, some based on inspiration, some on fear of the unknown, and others are listed below.

Water. Water is very important. This shower may not look like much, but let me tell you, its amazing. Many college apartments have a problem with not enough hot water; if we have a problem in our house, its too much hot water! The only time there's ever been an issue was right when we moved in and were switching the utilities over to my name, and they turned the water off for a day because we didn't do it fast enough. Other than that, there's been plenty of water, and all of it hot. Do you know how delightful that is? And with some amazing water pressure to boot.

My bed. Sigh. How I love it. I don't know how it's so comfortable to me; its too short and nothing special, but man is it a delight. I lay in that thing and am instantly comforted, happy, at peace, I think I'll even use the word joy to describe it. How could I leave that bed?

And finally, look at these three. Some of the best roommates I've ever had, who I love so much and can't even bear the thought of leaving. Shoot, why mess up a great thing like this, just for a little variety and adventure? I can find adventure in other places-but there's no place like home!

Learning

What I'm coming to realize is that no matter how well you think you know someone, you don't.


Yesterday I learned that someone I have known my entire life is not the person I've thought. Twenty -six years of one idea, one way of thinking, one person that I loved, wiped away in one short, somewhat reluctant conversation. Its not that I think everything was a lie, not that I feel less loved or suddenly see dark, devious plots behind events that happened. My memories are happy, my life was good, and this knowledge doesn't change that. But the memories are also colored, stained, by this new understanding. Every memory reflects a different motivation, and a mistaken understanding of myself and my relationship with this person. For whatever reasons people have for keeping things like this to themselves, don't they realize the impact when the truth comes out? Don't they realize that people can't just accept that you hid something from them, forever, something that consumed so much of you? How do I just accept that and go on?

This has happened once before, with a friend of 4 years. I thought that was earth-shattering, my life turned upside down, my trust in others obliterated. A best friend, someone so close, who really knew me, and who I thought I really knew-a completely different person. Four years! I realize now that the shattering, the fear and lack of faith, only applied to friends, to temporary passers-by in my life. I vowed not to be fooled again into thinking I knew someone, that I knew who they really were. I wasn't perfect, but I thought I did a pretty good job, keeping people at a distance, accepting whatever they ended up being. I just didn't generalize those feelings to those of my family, those I have lived with my whole life. It seems I should have, but i trusted them implicitly. How can you be fooled by someone you live with for so long? While both instances reflect very different circumstances, the feelings are the same. This feeling of the earth falling out from under me is the same. I hate it.

Does everyone have a secret life?

I don't blame anyone. I don't love any less. It's the trust that's erased. I just took one step further from ever trusting anyone again. I wish I could say I'm sad about that, but if it prevents this from happening again, I think its worth it to me. This hurts. I don't want to let anyone else in, if only to be fooled into believing I know them, relying on them, and later finding out I was stupid, foolish, naive, blind.

I went for a drive alone, and I wondered-do I wish I didn't know? It was so simple, so chance, that we had this conversation instead of another, that I learned this truth I was completely oblivious to. Would I rather have lived in oblivion?


No. I can never wish for that. My obsession with knowledge, with truth, with being aware of what is really going on, does not permit me to ever regret the gaining of knowledge. I regret the ignorance I lived in for so long. I regret that this quest for knowledge forces me to want to know whats going on all the time, while at the same I'm being brutally forced to accept that I never will know everything, never will really know anyone, that they are always holding back, like a spy with a double life. I find this astounding. And demoralizing. But I'll get over it. I think, much faster than last time.

Maybe I am learning.


Please don't ask me about this. I needed to vent somewhere, to express my feelings, but I don't want to talk about it, and I'm really okay, really not even very upset. Yesterday there was a temporary shock, a re-learning of myself and a re-defining of my beliefs. But that's what life is, and we relearn and move on, so all is well.

Violated

So a funny thing happened the other day. It occurred about a week ago, and I've been meaning to write about the incident ever since but haven't had the time. Don't be fooled by my casual attitude, or my flippant description of this as something "funny"; what I really mean to say is that something horrific happened to me and I need to document it, for future....something.

Alright, here it is. I was reading meters for my job, which entails going from house to house, entering private yards, side yards, back yards, all sorts of yards, in order to read the electrical meter located somewhere on the premise. Well, as most of you can probably imagine, many people own dogs, and often those dogs are found outside. I've had a lot of experience with dogs in the last year. Some are mean, some are friendly, some take a little winning over but then they let you in, some are barkers but they won't actually act, some are hidden in a yard that you think is safe, and then they come careening around the corner, promising in their growl and gait to do you in, at which point you're forced to high-tail it out of the gate before you're leg is ripped off (the last one happened to me today-scary!)

I have been bit once. Almost killed a couple of times. Deterred from reading a meter on numerous occasions. But once, and-I hope-only once, something much more dastardly went down.

So there I was, approaching a waist-high fence, when I heard a dog inside. As I made noise to warn said dog of my presence, the largest brown dog head I've ever seen popped above the gate and made noises at me. I don't think it barked-it seemed like a nice dog. But I'm talking massive! Like, its head was twice as thick as mine. It was, I think, the biggest dog I've ever seen, and I've seen some big dogs. Maybe the horse dog in Seattle was bigger, but other than that. Anyway, so I'm testing this dog out, offering my hand for it to sniff, and to gauge whether it will bite off my hand in one go, or just sniff and lick it. It sniffed and licked, and then began jumping to show me that it was happy to see me and ready to play.

I mean really happy to see me.

So I went in. Even excitable, big dogs I can usually contain long enough to get in, get the read, and get out. So I squeezed in the gate, careful not to let it out, and prepared to play with the dog a little, or at least command it to get down if it tried to jump on me. What I was not prepared for, however, was the left hook to my eye. Kapow! Not even a warning, just a BAM, and you're out! I was blinded for a second, scratched and wondering if I'd get a black eye, but still able to get back in the game and ready to get this dog under control. Sadly, in the intervening moments while I recovered myself, this dog had taken advantage of my lack of poise and was, in essence, all over me. This was no gentleman dog, either. He was having a good time, and I realized very quickly that I didn't have control over the situation. It was at that moment that I decided to flee, and turned to lunge at the gate. I'd only made it about two feet in, but I wasn't sure I could make it out again, until my hand brushed the gate....I was going to escape! And then-

He pulled my pants off! He freaking pulled down my pants. I was wearing sweats that day, on slick-type underwear that easily facilitated the de-pancing. I was so embarrassed, and worried, and kind of in shock and disbelief. I tried to fend the dog off with my computer-thing, while pulling up my pants and throwing open the gate with the other, finally escaping through it while yelling "rape!" It was incredible. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I got out. I've never felt so violated.

For those of you die-hard work-a-holics, I did get the read. Luckily the owner came out while I was wandering around in a daze, and I told him that while his dog was-heh heh-"friendly"-I needed him to restrain it while I went in. The most disturbing part is that I felt the man was laughing slightly, and I'm kind of wondering if he saw the whole incident. Or perhaps trains his dog to attack unsuspecting trespassers? I don't know, but I didn't like it.

Eva

Introducing Eva, a 153" environmentally friendly bamboo/aspen/palonia delight that soars down mountains at a pace and style all her own. Eva is a marvel-I never knew snowboarding could be like this. While she sometimes takes me much faster than I want to go, and refuses to stop when I feel like wimping out, she has never let me fall, unless I did something incredibly retarded (which I often do), and she teaches me new things every ride down the slope.

While I knew she was perfect for me the moment I first saw her, when she came in the mail I saw even more clearly how wonderful she was. There's a mini-map in the shape of a bird! It is right where the stomp pad should be, but for the time being, without a stomp pad, that map is glowing for all the world to see and learn by. Eva, I love you.