Work

Today was a great day at work. Just to give a little glimpse of some delights I encounter daily, here are a few experiences from the day.

First, there are these apartments where I read meters. I have to go inside each building, three buildings total in the complex. Each has a door with a keybox, a wonder that never ceases to thrill me. Only my special key will open that keybox, revealing another hidden key inside, which then opens the door. I always feel like a spy when opening these, with my cool skills that get me in secret places, yet I also want people to see me and think, "wow, who's that girl? What's she doing here? Don't know, but it must be legit, she can get in the locked door!" My mind is an amazing thing, I know.

Anyway, I open the door which, at this place, is loud enough to wake the dead. Each door sort of BOOMs open, then attempts to slam closed on me. I try to keep the doors propped open, just in case, then descend the stairs and enter what I can only imagine used to be a prison. The building is so creepy. A basement, with cement floors and walls, and all these doors with locks on them, and then all these other rooms with no walls, just bones of structures that seem so much like cells that I can't fathom what else they could be. Then I snake around this labyrinth trying to find meters, and pass walls with spray painted words like "silence=death" and "freedom" on them. The windows located towards the top of the walls are broken and dirty. Can you appreciate the creepiness? Every time I'm down there I see myself getting strangled or something by some half-human who's never seen the light of day...except what comes in the broken window, but you get the point? goo.

Moving on, I later entered a yard where about five or six kids were playing. They looked at me, I explained what I was doing, they followed me to the meter and watched me, then as I was leaving I think one girl asked, "what if she was a bad person?"
To which one little boy replied, "Then I'd kill her."

Uh, what? I walked out of the yard silently repeating the words "then I'd kill her"? Is that really what I heard? Slightly disturbing, yet touching too. Protective little git.

Lastly. I was walking down center street, almost done with my route and feeling pretty happy about that. Let me describe the sexy outfit I was wearing. Grey sweat pants that my dad can fit in, over yoga pants. I look like a little blimp at work. Tennis shoes. A blue sweatshirt that is also rather large, just like I like sweatshirts. Blue. With an orange vest over it, albeit it was billowing alluringly in the wind. A green beanie. Wearing hobo gloves that have the fingers free. Are you getting excited? Well, as I sauntered down the street, I hear this woofing from across the way. I look over, expecting to see a dog, but instead there's just one old gentleman walking the opposite direction. My gaze lingered a little, still wondering if there was a dog in the proximity or if it was only the man, when I hear these romantic words uttered at me:

"I could get you pregnant. Three times a year."

I had passed him by this point, and allowed my face to register the shock I felt at hearing such tempting banter. Indeed!

What would I do without these little gems? I jus' don't know.

Christmas Exploits

Getting the Christmas tree!! It's always a little tricky getting the tree to stay up cause we're too cheap to buy a stand. But the cinder block/pitcher combo has worked quite nicely. Well, after we taped the tree to the wall.


Putting on Christmas lights, decorating, good good.


A tree wouldn't be complete without its star! Smalls made this beauty out of a cardboard box and tinfoil.


Isn't it homey?


My friend Derek came to Provo and we hung out a bit. He apparently felt he would miss me so much he had to take my poncho, and my spongebob. Yes, I believe he is interdigitating with Spongebob!


No Christmas would be complete without Christmas goodies! I went all out this year, and they were delicious. All of them. I know, because I ate every single one of them.


This year was also particularly hard to keep the candy in the calendar. I mean to say, it was gone within two days of buying the calendar. We had this brilliant idea that we would refill it with junior mints, a much superior chocolate then what comes in the thing. But, upon refilling we promptly ate all of those candies, so all in all not a festivity for those with no self control.


Teaching Smalls the violin! She's a natural, when she'll play, but its tough getting this one to practice. She learned "The Drummer Boy" here, and played it magnificantly.


To spread the joy of my Thanksgiving celebration, I broke out my hackeysack and the two of us did what we could. I suck at being coordinated.


We love this new park by our house. And we loved even more that on this beautiful night, the snowmen had come to visit!


They didn't like to go too high, of course, but these snowmen babies were pretty hefty. They really got going.


Roomate Christmas Party! Jess made all kinds of delicious food, we played skipbo and "Basil", watched a movie...a great night. I love my roommates!


Jess is so cute.


Oh, back at the park. Little baby chicken! Someone got very creative over there.


So someone brings shopping carts from smiths and leaves them all over provo. at least, they're always in front of our house and it angers us. So we've taken to pushing them away from our apartment and into this parking lot. Well, on our way home from the park we saw these blasted carts over by Pip's house, and we were outraged. I wish I could say that on this night, we moved the carts away and cleared the sidewalk for our good friends. We didn't though. We just got the picture and left the cart. Its hard to push me in the snow!

That's a small taste of the fun that is to be had here at Christmas. Pretty sure it will all cease now that Smalls is leaving. :( Tomorrow. :( I'm thinking this will be harder than I anticipated.

Full Circle

It is 6:45 on a beautiful Sunday morning. I woke up at 5, felt like I should look outside, and after a little delay, did. Only to see a wonderful snow covered world, with thick snowflakes still falling. I turned on the lights on our Christmas tree (and Tuga's light cause I woke her up), and sat on the couch watching the peacefully falling snow. Ah world, how beautiful you are.

The reason I woke at 5 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep is not beautiful, however. The comforting thing about being really stupid is that everyone expects you to be so. I did something, and its a joy to think that when everyone finds out, they won't be horrified and surprised at this ridiculous act of insanity, so unlike my normal character. No, everyone will just think "Shena!", with head shakes and chuckles, knowing perfectly well I'm only doing what I do.

5 or 6 weeks ago I had a very traumatic incident with my hair. I was very humbled. I made vows. I then went the longest I have gone all year without coloring my hair-the above noted time. A couple of weeks ago I began to think about some highlights. For the holidays you know, a little warm glow. I had decided that I didn't want to be blonde. I liked the darker look and it looks better on me. I just wanted a little bit of lightening, a little warmth in my hair. So I thought of going to a stylist-no way was I doing it myself. But I kept putting it off, waiting, thinking, deliberating, wondering what I really wanted and determined not to act impulsively.

Until a fated phone call with my good friend Julie. I'd been looking at her wedding pictures, and wondered about her blonde hair. Then miraculously she called and we talked, which is always delightful, and I asked her about her hair then. She said she had highlighted it herself with those self-kits. Oh? Highlight it yourself, eh? My mind began turning, as only my mind can. That's not so hard. She did it! Maybe I could...

I think we all know the story from here. It's upsetting really. To add a few details, a friend had been in town and while it's always great seeing him, it also always makes me a little crazy, a little upset, a little reckless. I had been thinking about this plan for a day or two when I got the most upset, and that was the end. Went to the store. Bought the kit. Julie, I do not blame you at all. Obviously, I have no right to. She warned me, cautioned, was going to get me details if I would just wait, but I did not. As I was doing it, I felt ill. I kept telling myself not to, bad idea, I liked my hair how it was, why change it? Cause I really have been enjoying the color it was. Why indeed.

That's what upsets me. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I didn't even want to. It wasn't fun. I don't know who I think I am, but I don't have patience enough to dry and straighten my hair, let alone pull it through these little holes evenly and carefully...I didn't do the strand test because it was late and I was tired. I knew that was bad too but I didn't listen to myself.

The result was not a warm glow to my dark blonde hair. If you are curious, I refer you to previous pictures of my bleached hair, but perhaps on a lesser scale. There was less red, and if I had been more precise and covered my head better, it would have worked nicely to give me blonde hair. But I was impatient, and my dark roots were a glaring contrast to the blonde bangs.

I went to bed overcome with more regret that I have felt in as long as I can remember. I honestly looked at myself in the mirror and wished more than anything that I could go back in time and redo. That I could change things. I have to say that, of all the mistakes I've made in my life, I usually don't wish I could change anything. As I lay there last night, tyring to fall into oblivion and forget what I had done, I wondered what else I would go back and change. Or re-live. I couldn't think of anything. Usually I value the experience or lesson enough to make the pain worth it. Not last night, though. Didn't I learn this lesson already? Which led me to the despairing thought that I am beyond change. I am too far gone and will never overcome anything. I get so dramatic at night!

I woke up at 5, as noted, and decided to try one last effort. I would dye my hair. I had a box of medium blonde dye from the last fiasco; we had bought the dye for the developer and then not used it. I had plenty of time, so I did a strand to test it. Test didn't tell me much, but I eventually decided that I had to risk it. So I did it. It's still not dry; 6 in the morning I didn't want to wake everyone with a blow dyer. But from what I can see, its all thankfully one color, and that color is: blonde! Ha! I did it. I got my blonde hair. After all this, effort, mistakes, mishap, pain, regret, I now have what I then wanted.

I felt very philosophical and spiritual this morning. I was thinking about last night's despair, and realized that the first horrible hair happenstance led to a very happy result. I loved that brown color. What had been terrible turned out alright. so I wondered, and I hoped, if maybe once more the end-of-the-world event would turn out okay, maybe even get me somewhere better in the end. It was encouraging to know that. I want to stop making stupid mistakes. But even when I make them, its not over, its not the end. Things right themselves, things continue, it gets better. Always that possibility.

I have also realized that I've come full circle. I am where I tried so desperately to be a month and a half ago. that's cool. And I don't want to be here anymore. I wasted so much money, I ruined my hair, all for blonde hair. And I don't want it. It made me think about other things I want so badly for a time, that I focus all my efforts at getting, that I let consume me in order to obtain, only to find later I don't want it anymore. This could be a lesson in my fickleness, but I think more truthfully its a lesson in how life changes, and maybe we should be careful what we want and how much effort we use trying to force it. Though, if I hadn't gone through the journey, I probably wouldn't know I no longer wanted it. So I guess we need to want, we need to work, and if we end up not wanting it, hm.

Then we have unwanted blonde hair.

Violence

So I had this sort of epiphany/realization last night. About another one of my hypocritical incongruencies that I should probably figure out to be the most me-ish me I can be. It all came about because Smalls I and were discussing The Matrix as we were going to sleep last night. Smalls loves that movie. I watched a part of it over Thanksgiving break on T.V., and was pretty hooked. But its not really surprising, cause I like violent movies.

Die Hard.
Vantage Point.
The Bourne series.
The Matrix.

What's the problem, you ask? I know at the moment I'm not a very peaceful person, but I do have this peaceful idea, philosophy on life. I want to be peaceful. I love Cloud Cult and the always make me want to be more loving. I just watched The Royal Tannenbaums, and Richie's easy-going reactions to things also inspired me to act more acceptingly. Atticus from To Kill A Mockingbird is my all-time hero, and he is so mild and patient. I want to be like these people. I want to accept that we're all coming from painful places deep inside, and that sometimes we do things that aren't great but we need a little love and forgiveness.

Then I think of these movies, and how excited I am when the hero beats the crap out of the bad guy. It all came together in my head when Smalls realized the R rating on the Matrix came after the Columbine shooting. Some argue that we can't be responsible for what people do, can't blame the media and so forth. But this is my blog, and I can.

If we don't want to live in a world like those movies, why do we like those movies? If we don't want a society full of rapists and killers, then we gotta stop making movies where people rape and kill, movies full of sex and violence. I've seen what it does to kids. I guess we've all seen it. So why do I wanna watch it? Why do I enjoy the fighting and the glory over the loser?

This hit home very hard last night. I thought about Jesus. Funny right, but it is December. Would he ever bash someone bloody and senseless? Prob'ly not. Then should I want to, or want to see someone else do it? I thought of how death isn't even enough anymore. It's not satisfying enough to just watch someone die. Over to quickly, not enough intensity. So we create these superhumans. Bourne, matrix, transformers, anything that can cheat death for a long enough fight scene to fill our cravings for violence. Yet we don't understand the connection with this and the rising generation, playing videogames all day and watching these movies...I don't know. I don't like it.

But am I gonna stop watching these movies? I don't want to. They are my favorites. And I like connecting with people. You know, we all get a little worked up, just like with sports. Hockey is my favorite sport. "Bash him", cheering when they knock someone down, a great sack in football. I think if someone actually got hurt, I wouldn't enjoy it. But would I? Cause at some point the crowd does turn from thinking, feeling human beings, to bloodthirsty animals pounding victims without mercy. that seems extreme but history has shown it.

So when do I start living my ideals? Change my life to fit my philosophy?...

just not today.

Cookie Jar ~Jack Johnson

I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first when they spoke without sound
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn that thing down
Turn it around

"It wasn't me", says the boy with the gun
"Sure I pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
Cause life's been killing me ever since it begun
You can't blame me cause I'm too young"

"You can't blame me sure the killer was my son
But I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
Its the killing on this TV screen
You can't blame me it's those images he seen"

Well "you can't blame me," says the media man
Well "I wasn't the one who came up with the plan
I just point my camera at what the people want to see
Man it's a two way mirror and you can't blame me"

"You can't blame me," says the singer of the song
Or the maker of the movie which he based his life on
"It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
The smoke, machines and makeup and you can't fool me"

It was you it was me it was every man
We've all got the blood on our hands
We only receive what we demand
And if we want hell then hells what we'll have

I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first but let everyone down
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn it around
Turn it around