Input

Okay, for all of you who know Smallcomb, I need your input. Please tell me your favorite things about her. Keep it simple, but I just need a couple of highlights of her. There are so many things, I know, but you're favorite things that set her apart. If you want to be recorded saying these things, get in touch with me secretly too, cause that would be a nice addition to my little project. thanks all!

What Color Are You?

Who's heard of the color code test? There are four colors: red, blue, white, and yellow. They correspond to your personality, apparently, not so much on your behaviors but on the motivations behind the behavior. I studied it a little in my class and then got hooked. If you know your color, tell me! If not, this link takes you to a free site to take the test. Just click on "Try our personality test" and then click on the free test button. So I just took it and am having problems getting the results...if I find out more on that I'll let you know. Or if you know how to see the results, let me know. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm a blue with some white in me. What are you?

I see I didn't put the link. How interesting. it did work on a newer computer too. Here it is:
http://www.colorcode.com/

Rediscovery. Again.

Today is a new day. Thank heavens. And I learned something last night that has set me free. The sad thing is, I have learned it before. Repeatedly. I learn it somewhat often, actually. Every time I go into a frenzy, and the "depths of despair," it forces me to see what I'd purposefully been blind to, and then to realize the truth and the beauty of that truth. And then I'm happy until I forget, slowly at first and then increasing in speed, till I'm back at the bottom of that pit needing to climb out again. Well, last night I climbed out and I'm so glad. And I thought of this that I wrote a year and a half ago when I climbed out of the same pit, and wanted to post it. So here it is




9/30/08

"The Tumbleweed has taught me a great lesson today. It blew into the lake-I didn't see when- and has been effortlessly flowing through the current of the wind. It is now softly floating in the middle of the lake. It has travelled far, covering a great distance with no effort at all. No resistance. If we would let ourselves flow with the current of life, where would we go? It seems that in the end, no man chooses his ultimate destiny. For all our attempts at control, life cannot be controlled, won't be contained. Things happen out of our reckoning, catalystic events or small bumps in the road. No man ever saw the end of his road from the beginning.

The insane part is that we try. We visualize our destination, and then fight with all that is in us to make our road take us there. It never does. So why fight? Why not simply follow the road, blown by the wind, without resistance, to our inevitable end? Or perhaps a much more beautiful end than the one we're left with after forcing all the detours by our attempts at power.

Goals yes. Goals that are from the drift of life, goals that are and come into being. But allow for them to change; to change completely if necessary, without resistance, anger, fear. No matter what caused the change. Accept that the change is, and therefore should be."

Quite the key word here: resistance. Denial. Avoidance. Whatever you want to call it. The thing is, life is so beautiful when we get in the moment of it, enjoy each day and all it brings, and not think about the future, the fear, the unknown. So I've learned yet again that life does not hold in store for me some things, and if I had accepted that before I would have lived more fully, would have felt this wonderful lightness, this giddy anticipation of what life does hold for me. Alright friends. I'm steppin in that riva.

Decisions

Jobs I've Had:

Babysitter- Jr. High
Paper Girl- Jr. High
File Clerk- right out of High School
Custodial Widstoe bldg. and Marriott Center- Freshman year
Cashier in Cougareat- Second half freshman year
Wal-Mart cashier- summer between freshman and sophomore years
Custodial Marriott Center- Sophomore year
House Cleaner and at-home-job-scam-believer-summer between sophomore and junior years
Custodial Marriott Center- Junior year and spring/summer after
Walkabout Field Staff- Fall 03 (instead of going back to school) to March 04
AM/PM (gas station)Cashier- April to June 04
Missionary (kind of counts)- July 04 to January 06
Cashier and food prep Dans' Delicious Drive-In- February to May 06
Chinese Food Waitress- February to May 06
Custodial Marriott Center- Spring/Summer/Fall 06, Winter 07
Outback Field Staff- Summer 07 (homeless)
Outback Transporter- August and September 07
Homeschool Warehouse Worker- Fall 07
TA Geography of Natural Disasters- Winter 08
Waitress Los Hermanos- February to March (ha, really?) 08
Meter Reader Provo Power- May 08 to present
Staff at Residential treatment center- May to September 08
Boys and Girls Club staff- October 08 to May 09
Outback Transporter- June 09 to August 09

whew! Why the boring list you ask? Because I'm in a crisis and don't know what to do. I don't know what I want!!! One little thing sways me so easily. Look at these jobs. You know how I got them, how I picked them? Someone else told me about it, it was easy and flexible so I got the job and stayed, fate sort of led me to them...really none of them required much effort, and I dont know if any reflect desires that I had or simply just happened.

I want to move. I had this wonderful plan to move to Salt Lake, get a place all by myself, get a cat, get a real, full-time job, and meet some new people. I wanted to escape Provo and all its stigmas, the lack of diversity in people, and the memories of certain people (you can't escape memories when you keep running into people). So I've been half-heartedly looking into jobs and apartments in Salt Lake, getting excited about the prospect but not sure how it would ever work out. But still, the goal. Also excited about the thought of not working at Provo Power for another winter. It can be miserable out there!

And then in class last night, the one friend I have made, keeps telling me I can't leave. So in an effort to make me stay here, she's planning on setting me up with a guy. Lest you get worried right now, I do not plan to stay in Provo for a blind date. But then she threw out that the school she works at may have an open position, being a sort of coach for kids who are at risk, getting my foot in the counseling arena and working at a school. This came on the very day that I'd been talking with my boss and feeling like I didn't want to leave the meter reading. This school job is part time so I could keep both jobs. And now I am swayed. Real jobs, as opposed to the imaginary ones I will acquire sometime soon? Cheaper rent, where I could still get my own place but for half the cost? One little conversation and I'm having a melt down.

I feel like a kid. A baby, who will never grow up. I feel, somehow, like if I moved to Salt Lake I'd be an adult. But if I did the same thing in Provo, I'm stuck in student mode, transition, and I have this fear somehow like it'll land me in Utah for the rest of my life, rather than just the next two years. And yet...so much easier. Jobs right there, still around friends, in a safe place where I can run outside, walk around alone, feel more free I guess. Aghghhh. If only I knew what I really want.