My Deepest Desire

So I finally found it. About a year ago I asked myself a question, and I hadn't found the answer until somewhere in the past month, when I finally realized how simple and straightforward everything was. I asked myself what it is that I really want in life; what I would do if I could do anything, or what I want to have more than anything else. I tried being both selfish and unselfish, but for a long time was unable to think of anything I wanted so badly that I could claim it was my deepest desire. I wondered if I was just too casual in life-not really fighting for anything or trying to get anything out of life. What, I wondered, am I fighting for? What am I seeking? I really didn't know.

There are lots of things I want. I have lists of material things I hope to have some day (just so I don't forget); I have goals to help me achieve all those future plans of mine, but to what end? Why do I want to be married, have a family, help people in need, make a difference in the world...what's the point?

I don't know how or when the answer came to me, and it's not really that complex or even unusual. Actually, I think this is the basic, instinctive desire of just about everyone, or at least all the people I know. The purpose behind all of my actions, and my deepest desire, is peace.

Well that's a shocker. So anticlimactic. Isn't that the infamous beauty pageant answer for what the girls want most:"world peace"? So it's true then. Peace is the motivating factor; peace is the hoped-for end result. There a couple of manifestations of peace. I want, first and foremost, inner peace-peace with myself. That sounds selfish, and probably is, but after all, I am the most important person in my life. In a talk in church a couple weeks ago, a really neat point was made. The speaker said that there are over 6 billion people on the earth, and there are 6 billion different worlds. We each live in our own worlds, and what I see is just a product of what I want to see.

I want to be happy with what I see. I want to live without regrets. I don't want to fail to act on impulses because I'm scared, and miss out on what life has to offer. More importantly, I don't want to go against what I know is right and feel that regret, that self-loathing that comes from falling short of my potential. I've seen enough of the tempting substitutes for happiness, and felt enough of the pain that comes with them, to know that down those paths lie only sorrow and pain. I really want to do what's right, corny as it may sound, because when I do, when I align myself with God and feel His acceptance and approval of my life- then I feel the greatest peace I've found on earth. Nothing can top that. Why I constantly fight against that peace, I don't know. But when I can trust in the Lord and accept whatever He sends my way, I find strength and happiness no matter what's happening around me. Then I don't worry about the future; I feel no anxiety for events in my life or things not working out the way I want them to. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you." That's the beauty of the gospel.

I want peace for my family. I want to know that they're okay, that they're happy. Why can't they be happy? There is so much confusion, heartbreak, disappointment. I love them so much, and I try to help. I try to be strong for them, always happy, words of encouragement. I "preach" to them about following their dreams and not being afraid to seize the day...things I think could help them be happy. That's all I can say to them; the unfaltering source of peace that I know, the peace and the purpose that only God can bring, somehow I can't talk to them about that. Yet it's the only thing in my mind that makes any of this worth it. I can't force that on them, and it kills me sometimes to hear their struggles and not have anything to say; to feel the despair and hear the questions about why certain things happen, and not be able to explain that, to me, the question of "why" is unanswerable and, in the end, irrelevant. I don't understand the "why" to a lot of things, but somehow I've found this ultimate source of peace that says why doesn't matter, if I can just get some help with the how of dealing with it. Once again, my source of peace is through the Savior and the knowledge that God loves my family as much as I do, and will help them just as He's helped me.

I also want world peace. *round of applause* I really do. When I feel these moments of true joy and happiness and peace (I wish I had a synonym for peace because I realize I've written it about 100 times), I have so much desire to share that with others. I want to help them overcome the things I've overcome. I want people to know of the goodness that is in life. And yet...there is so much badness, and I've never tasted of that. I don't know how to combat the horrible things people have gone through; my puny experiences pale in comparison to the sufferings of the world, and I don't know how to attempt to heal the pain that exists. But I want to. When I think of people who grow up with nothing; who suffer every day of their lives from lack of food or water or love; who live each day, fighting for survival while at the same time wanting nothing more than to die; I know I have to do something. I've been given so much, and somehow I should be able to take that and give a little back. While I have no idea what to do with my life, this gives me direction- knowing that somehow, whatever I do, my career needs to focus on one of these needs.

So it's not that I can envision a world of perfect peace and harmony stemming from anything I do. I just finally understand that all of my actions have at the core this idea of peace: peace with myself, with the people around me, with whatever part of humanity and life that falls into my little world-bubble. Seeking this has helped me see times when I fight against that peace, when I do things that bring frustration, anger, blame, and animosity towards others. I feel these bad things, and I realize I've gotten off track. At a fireside this amazing woman taught that pain is important because it tells us that something that we're doing is bad. If we bang our head against a wall, it hurts-thus we know to stop banging our head against the wall. I've tried to apply that to life and found it pretty true. When I'm in pain, usually there's some stupid thing I'm doing..more often than not just a silly thought process that pulls me down, and I need to start over again to get back up again.

The return to the root is peace.

Peace:to accept what must be,

to know what endures.

In that knowledge is wisdom.

Without it, ruin, disorder.

~Tao Te Ching