Christmas

I love the book A Christmas Carol. I read it every year and wish I could just run and dance with wild abandon and Christmas joy as Scrooge does. This year I underlined parts that I really liked, and thought I'd make a list of some of those parts here. So here you go-a toast to Christmas cheer.

'There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say'

'Christmas time... [is a] good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'

'oh!...Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities missed!...Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all, my business...Why did I walk through crowds of fellowbeings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode? Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!'

'The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.'

'I told you these were shadows of the things that have been...That they are what they are, do not blame me!'

'Come in! and know me better, man!'

'As good as gold... and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.'

'Man, if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child.'

'But they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.'

'And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him.'

'But being thoroughly good-natured, and not much caring what they laughed at, so that they laughed at any rate, he encouraged them in their merriment.'

'For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child himself.'

'Now it wasn't for the sake of anything he might be able to do for us, so much as for his kind way, that this was quite delightful.'

'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.'

'Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!'

'I don't know what to do! ..I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!'

'but he knew what path lay straight before him, and he took it.'

'His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!'

Merry Christmas!

The Fates Have Spoken

So it looks like I'm going to Utah State for school. It's been the plan for some time now, but I rarely act on these plans I map out, and I've been hesitating to make any definite decisions, simply because its hard and I don't want to. However, once I heard Utah State was playing BYU at hockey last night, I determined that I would go to the game, and if Utah State won I would go to school there; if not, I'd come up with an alternative plan. Well, they kicked our trash and won 5-0. So I guess there's no doubt now-I just gotta move forward and trust that hockey will not lead me astray. It never has before, right?
Well, maybe wrong. but I also had another neat experience last night, where I was distraught and-as always these days-angry, but then talked to someone and it transformed the anger to empathy and compassion (weird word but I can't find a better), helping me see that others have problems too and just need a little support at times. It feels wonderful and I'm much more at peace, so it seems that hockey is, indeed, the answer to everything.
Good to know.

Don't wanna stand alone

So today I had a really neat experience. And I'm turning it into a whine fest. Darn it! But that's how it goes. today my grandparents were sealed in the temple. My real grandma has never been to the temple before. she's had quite the past, wasn't active for a long time, has smoked all her life, coffee, you know, normal ranchin' stuff. My not real grandpa apparently has been to the temple, but I think it was a while ago. Well, my grandma has been getting more and more "churchy", and quit coffee and smoking. Just up and quit smoking, after years and years of addiction. She's been working really hard, and so has my grandpa, always talking about when they'd go to the temple. It seemed like it would be a long ways away. Until I went home for Thanksgiving and was told they were going through the salt lake temple on december 4th.
Wow.
Of course I went. And it was so special to see them, my tiny little grandma in her white dress, feeling so happy and special. Everyone was so nice to them. It was the first time I've ever been in the temple with family, the first family sealing I've seen. And it was so neat, and I'm so glad I could be there. for the session, the sealing, the standing around after, the dinner in the cafeteria, the standing in the cold making sure they got to their ride.

But then I was also very sad. I walked into the waiting room before the session, knowing that probably over half the people there were there for my grandparents, but I didn't recognize any of them. I sat alone. Luckily this chatty lady sat by me and heard my whole story, told me hers, and it was fine. that's how it always is, and I'm pretty used to doing this kind of thing alone.

the session was great. the rooms are beautiful. later some relative of mine....well, lets see. a relative of my grandpa, came and she was really good about finding me and including me in everything the rest of the day. i was introduced to a lot of people. Not sure who they were, but nice to at least know we were all there for the same people. we went into the sealing room, and i didn't know where to sit. I had been talking to some people, but I remembered some rift our families had had in the past, and wasn't sure I should sit by them. didn't know where to sit. sat on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone. then I started hearing my name. everyone whispering about me. "oh, that's kent's daughter" "shena, she served a mission.." "no, I don't think she's married" just a lot of tittering, and I couldn't look around because I didn't want to watch them talk about me. And i felt even more this sense of non-belonging. my family is a mess, and its hard to sort out everyone and though they were all well-intentioned, i didn't belong to any of them. And i found myself wishing i did.belong to someone. had someone there to sit by, to follow around. during the changing and eating process, i attached myself to various almost relatives, and really, after this night, i feel closer to a lot of them. i really like them.

but so much standing alone. looking around for someone new to care about me, even just long enough to tell me where to go next, what was happening. Lori was the best. she had me sit on the "brides side" for the sealing. i didn't understand at first and when she told me to sit up there, i just whispered, "there are sides?" and felt foolish, like i'd been sitting on grandpa's side where, apparently, i didn't belong. but all is well, and i think i won them over. they'll be saying what a dear girl i am, and so on and so forth, but all i wanted as i walked back to the parking garage, alone, in the cold darkening night, was to be walking back with someone. someone i belonged to. family, husband, i'm just so tired of doing this alone. i want someone to lean on.

that's all.