A good day

This has been a very special day. It started out relatively normal; slept in a bit, went to work, got hot, sweaty, and frustrated at work but also maintained a partial good mood, which doesn't always happen. But as I read meters, I had a little scenario going on in my head-I generally do-and it somehow kept coming back to me swimming in a pool, or jumping in a river, or skinny dipping somewhere...(i've been needing a good dip lately). anyway, these thought led me to realize that I did, in fact, need to immerse myself in water. I remember last summer how every day at work I fantasized about jumping in water when I was hot and dehydrated, and often took a quick drive to the river to jump in and cool off before coming home and showering. So I decided today I would go back to the river.

And then I remembered some things. How a year ago I rode my bike to the river. How I had an amazing time thinking, and realizing some things about life and my situation at the time, and how I needed to love life, embrace it, and stop worrying and feeling anxious about what I was facing and hoping would happen. I resolved to talk to someone, to be open and honest, and see what happened. It was a great day.

A day that resulted in hope and joy that has since, in the last year, turned to bitterness and anger, ashes from the once-seen future burning up into nothing. But today, I resolved to go back to the river, jump in and wash myself clean from the mistakes or regrets and move on.

Then I got to the spot, and forgot in the moment any symbolism as I dunked myself in the swiftly moving icy water. I dunked twice, just for good measure, and felt the familiar icy, refreshing tingle that I love so much. I exchanged some pleasantries with a man that rode by on a bike, but also felt ridiculous and hastened to leave the area, since I was now dripping wet and felt silly. Got in my car, drove about a block away, but then remembered how I'd wanted it to be meaningful and I hadn't really done that. I hesitated for a second, then turned around and went back. I drove to a different spot, a calmer spot where a log beckoned me to sit on it, and cotton floated lazily down onto the river like big snowflakes in a snow globe. I sat and thought, not really about the cleansing or the situation, but just about life, how good it is, how much I love it. How I love water and always want it around me. It's so calming and peaceful. I felt this hope too, like no matter what happens in any situation, I just want to be open to life and love and anything, for however long I have it, without fear of losing it because in the end, I will always be me. That can't be taken away. I enjoy being me.

It's been a lazy day, overall, without huge feelings of euphoria or anything, but I just took another moment to step outside as the rain ever so slightly came down, and the smell was delicious, and the sky to the west was cloudy, yet golden and beautiful, and I thought how I also always want a view to the west. So nice to know these things about myself! And I felt again that it had been a magical day, a day of learning and accepting and believing.

Oh, and of course its the day Small's was born, which makes it absolutely amazing, a true blessing for everyone who will ever meet her. Happy Birthday smalls.

how quickly we die

I saw a pretty flower while at work the other day, and wanted to bring it with me on my travels. So without even hesitating, I picked it from its roadside home and stuck it in my hair. Then I crossed the street, found a water meter, read it, and as I was standing up saw that my flower had fallen to the ground. I picked it up, anxious to replace it in my hair and move on my way, when I noticed something different and stopped to look. It was already wilted! My flower had completely shrivelled up in a time span of about 5 minutes. I couldn’t believe it, and checked my hair to make sure it was the right flower. It was.

I felt very guilty.

“What did you think would happen?” I asked myself, somewhat harshly and somewhat surprised at my surprise. “Of course its going to die.”

“But so soon?” I desperately responded, “I didn’t know it would die so quickly.”

As I thought about the poor flower, cut off from its source of nourishment and moisture on a hot day, I realized that our spirits are a lot like these delicate flowers. Oftentimes, we seem to be doing fine, we feel vibrant and colorful and plucky, and think we can handle anything and flourish no matter the circumstances. But when cut off from the spiritual nourishment, even just for a day, or even less, we start to wilt, to slacken, things get harder, look bleaker. What surprises me is that I continue to be surprised at how quickly this happens. How quickly I can go from strong, confident, all is well Shena, to depressed, mopey, sad, hopeless Shena. How do I lose faith so quickly? How do I lose sight of the goal, of what really matters? Because I know the answers, I know what I need to do to get the water flowing again, to get the petals back to their energized state. But when I’m dehydrated, the effort to get there seems to much, and the reward doesn’t seem worth it. Of course its worth it! Of course its better not wilted. But in the throes of my desperation, how do I believe that?

I wish I could just keep myself hydrated, keep myself connected to the source, to never thirst so greatly that I feel I’ll never survive. But maybe I need to thirst. Maybe its those moments, sprawled on the pavement, parched, gasping, aching for water, that bring me to my senses, that convince me to jump into that river of water and immerse myself again with life-giving relief.

I meant to complete this. I don't want to now. I just want to say that I'm glad for a source of water that never goes away, no matter how silly I am or how long it takes me to seek it. I'm grateful I have something inside of me that's stronger than I think, that never lets me die completely. yeah.