A good day

This has been a very special day. It started out relatively normal; slept in a bit, went to work, got hot, sweaty, and frustrated at work but also maintained a partial good mood, which doesn't always happen. But as I read meters, I had a little scenario going on in my head-I generally do-and it somehow kept coming back to me swimming in a pool, or jumping in a river, or skinny dipping somewhere...(i've been needing a good dip lately). anyway, these thought led me to realize that I did, in fact, need to immerse myself in water. I remember last summer how every day at work I fantasized about jumping in water when I was hot and dehydrated, and often took a quick drive to the river to jump in and cool off before coming home and showering. So I decided today I would go back to the river.

And then I remembered some things. How a year ago I rode my bike to the river. How I had an amazing time thinking, and realizing some things about life and my situation at the time, and how I needed to love life, embrace it, and stop worrying and feeling anxious about what I was facing and hoping would happen. I resolved to talk to someone, to be open and honest, and see what happened. It was a great day.

A day that resulted in hope and joy that has since, in the last year, turned to bitterness and anger, ashes from the once-seen future burning up into nothing. But today, I resolved to go back to the river, jump in and wash myself clean from the mistakes or regrets and move on.

Then I got to the spot, and forgot in the moment any symbolism as I dunked myself in the swiftly moving icy water. I dunked twice, just for good measure, and felt the familiar icy, refreshing tingle that I love so much. I exchanged some pleasantries with a man that rode by on a bike, but also felt ridiculous and hastened to leave the area, since I was now dripping wet and felt silly. Got in my car, drove about a block away, but then remembered how I'd wanted it to be meaningful and I hadn't really done that. I hesitated for a second, then turned around and went back. I drove to a different spot, a calmer spot where a log beckoned me to sit on it, and cotton floated lazily down onto the river like big snowflakes in a snow globe. I sat and thought, not really about the cleansing or the situation, but just about life, how good it is, how much I love it. How I love water and always want it around me. It's so calming and peaceful. I felt this hope too, like no matter what happens in any situation, I just want to be open to life and love and anything, for however long I have it, without fear of losing it because in the end, I will always be me. That can't be taken away. I enjoy being me.

It's been a lazy day, overall, without huge feelings of euphoria or anything, but I just took another moment to step outside as the rain ever so slightly came down, and the smell was delicious, and the sky to the west was cloudy, yet golden and beautiful, and I thought how I also always want a view to the west. So nice to know these things about myself! And I felt again that it had been a magical day, a day of learning and accepting and believing.

Oh, and of course its the day Small's was born, which makes it absolutely amazing, a true blessing for everyone who will ever meet her. Happy Birthday smalls.