Valentine's Day Celebration

okay this is what I need to say. Those of you who put a ton of pictures up on your blog, props to you. I can't seem to figure it out, it takes forever to upload them, and then the pictures are all out of order and confusing. But I can't go back now. The random, sloppy organization you see here will have to suffice.

So you may be wondering what a single, akoma slightly broken-hearted girl would have to celebrate about Valentine's Day. Well let me tell you, there was plenty to celebrate. In the following picture, you may notice a wonderful beanie, as well as an attractive, girlish coat. These were both purchases made on Friday, all in anticipation of the wonderful snowboarding trip to be made today, and all with the intent that the workers at Sundance will stop mistaking me for a boy. It really hurts the pride, I tell ya. And while the "hey buddy" I got from the lift guy was slightly evened out by two workers greeting me and Smalls with "hey ladies," it kind of hurts that whenever I'm alone I look like a man. Not even the compliment- "do what he's doing," meaning me, and directed at some rookies stuck in powder, can alleviate the distress of being told I look like a dude. Thus the gear switch, and I love it.

You may notice, however, that the hill behind me is no mountain. No, my desire to prove myself a woman to those darn workers was not destined to be fulfilled today, now was the incredible joy I anticipated at the thought of all the powder up there after the snow storm. See, the problem was that the snow storm was very much a storm, and the canyon roads were terrible to start with, and closed to end with, at the turn off for Sundance. We got all the way up there, just to be turned around and sent back home! Drat. So a couple runs down the hill at Rock Canyon park were necessary, as well as very unsatisfying. What can ya do?

You can jump in a freezing cold river! And so we did. We got home from the "hill", changed into swimming suits and sweats, and headed out to the old PRT. This was Small's idea, and once the idea is voiced, there's no turning back.

Surprisingly enough, I loved it! It's so invigorating and refreshing. The pain doesn't last long-in fact I think the worst part was the anticipation. Then a quick little dunk, some screaming, running, and yelling, and then into the warm sweats, warm car, with body tingling and heart pounding. We may do it every week, although the symbology today should be mentioned. this was our love-life cleansing. We washed away all the mistakes we have made, and can now begin anew in the quest for love and friendship and non-thwartedness. The best part is we drove out there singing "Survivor," and right before we hopped in the water, Smalls sang "I will survive being bootylicious!" Classic.

Oh, then we drove home to Hilary Duff's Coming Clean. All in all quite a sappy affair, yet so cool and tough at the same time. right?

Ah, here's the picture of Smalls. Love those pants!

And then who wouldn't celebrate the wonderful package from my dad? I love that man. A box of goodies and wonderful James Wallace, resting peacefully on my bed in my "woolly booger". He's in my elbow right now and I love him.

Oh yes, this ridiculousness. So, on our shopping spree Friday, we got ourselves some wonderful socks at target, and after a hideous time at a ward party we should never have gone to, we came home, donned the socks, put on the only short-type clothing we could find to show off the socks, and set up for some of the most absurd pictures ever taken. These are not, amazingly enough, the most absurd, although they're up there. Here we are, Irish dancing and...well I'm not sure what Smalls is doing.

Apparently this is a Mary Tyler Moore thing. Is that the right person? You know, throwing the hat and all. I have no idea, just followed Smalls' lead.

Right so, what else? We watched Dreamer and Stardust, were heart-attacked, made a very small amount of very time consuming Valentine's, almost died trying to drive up slippery hills in the snow, made homemade chicken noodle soup, flirted meaninglessly with boys, I dyed my hair, talked to family, took some quizzes...all in all, a good day. So thank you, Valentine's Day, for bringing love, candy, and a break from the norm. We salute you!

Cold

"Are you freezing?"

So said random man number one to me as I walked to my car, carrying my jacket and orange vest in my arm due to the extreme heat of wading across half the golf course through ankle deep snow. And so shall I introduce one of my biggest pet peeves, the "obvious-opposite question."

"Are you freezing?"

"Are you freezing kidding me? Do I look cold? Why the hell wouldn't I wear my jacket if I was cold? Why would I be sauntering along, not at the brisk pace of those who wish to escape cold, but at a leisurely stroll as I basked in the sun? What could he possibly be thinking? How do I answer that? I think I laughed and politely said something like "No, it's pretty warm when you walk around..." but inside I thought-man, you're an idiot and I wish I didn't have to interact with you.

Here's another scenario, recently reenacted Sunday but having occurred on multiple occasions. I am laying on the couch, cuddled up in a large blanket, completely content. Someone comes over for a visit, sees me, and immediately says "are you cold?"

How do you respond? Because to me, it would seem obvious that no, I am not cold. I'm covered in a freaking huge comforter. There's no way I could be cold at this moment. I was cold, previously, thus the comforter. Took care of the problem. Are they offering to warm me up? "Say, it seems you need some help getting warm, and if you wanted to ditch that huge blanket you got surrounding you with heat, I could give it a shot..." I don't really think that's what anyone means. What do they mean?

I'll admit, the occasional use of sarcasm here is much appreciated. Someone is wearing five sweatshirts and two coats, three pairs of pants and some galoshes, and i think it would be a shame if there were no witty remarks thrown out to emphasize the absurdity. But come on. One blanket isn't absurd. They can't be pointing out how ridiculous it is of me to be wrapped in a blanket on a winter day, can they? But nor would I think they can possibly assume I'm still cold when bundled up so.

So what is their devious objective? I have yet to figure it out, and maybe its just a sign of how i need to let go of finding the appropriate response to a question or situation, because that's really at the root of my peevishness. How do I respond to that? How do I keep my tone from implying that i think you're a moron for asking me that? For now, I just don't know.

You've got to pray just to make it today

So my good friend Derek taught me a lesson this week. He was telling me a story about an experience he had driving in snow. It recently snowed in Washington, snowed a ton, and they're not used to it up there. Derek hates driving in the snow, but got stuck in a storm one Sunday night and had to go home during a blizzard. So apparently there's a two-mile long hill that leads up to his house, and as he approached the hill, he saw brake lights as cars all around him struggled and failed to make it up the hill on the slick roads. He said the road was "littered with cars." His own car struggled, and he thought he'd never make it. So he prayed. He actually said he was praying the whole time he was trying to make it up, and every time he had to stop and then seemed stuck and unable to move, he'd pray and the car would move. He eventually made it home.

This is an interesting contrast to my two recent stuck-in-the-snow experiences. When I got stuck, I yelled, exclaimed, cursed, felt frustrated, hopeless, and angry, and never once thought of praying. The last time I was stuck, the front end of my car was facing into the ditch, and the back end poking up in the street. I was working on a route, and very impatient to finish, as the snow fell for the 36th straight hour. So I stomped out of the car, tried to clear snow away from behind the front tires with my hands, then used my little screw-driver type tool to chip at the icy spots. I was exhausted already from working, scowling, on my hands and knees at work, and muttering the whole time. And I was not getting the car out. Someone drove by and asked if I needed help. I was so tired and frustrated and upset, I just mumbled some incoherent "no, I'm fine, just gonna die here..." and thought the person drove away, never to return. I laid down in the snow on my back and prepared to actually give up the ghost.

Then some lady across the street ran to my aid, offering a shovel with which to dig. Then the girl from the car came back with another girl and a guy, instructing me exactly what to do as they pushed me out. I was saved! She said after having been stuck and helped out twice already, she felt it her duty to help others, and I was her third save. We then proceeded to help out this other guy parked just down from me who was also stuck. This made me happy. The bonding that has happened during these ridiculous weeks of snowy roads is wonderful to see. It is also wonderful to see the Lord helping me, even when I fail to turn to Him and ask for it.

But after talking to Derek, I realized I do need help, and I need to ask the Lord for that help, because He's obviously willing to give it to me. I've been trying. I pray when I'm too tired to go on at work, and He helps me finish, and have a better attitude too. During the towing incident, I had to grab a credit card to pay with, and the guy needed ID. I somehow was unsure where my licence was, having placed it somewhere in my car to have whenever I needed it, but then forgotten where it was. Well, after the long night of walking home from Muse, getting a ride to the towing place, waiting for them to open the gate, and finally getting in to pay, I really didn't want to not have identification and have to go home again. So I went out to my car to find the elusive licence, and as I searched frantically through all my mess of papers in the car, I did pray and ask that I could find it. And you know what? I did. A small example, perhaps, but yet another testament that the Lord does love me and is aware of me, even my silly little struggles that I cause myself. And even when my attitude about it is horrible, and I'm cursing the heavens and fate and anything else that leads me to get in these little scraps (except myself, the real culprit), He still forgives and helps.

I think that is neat.

Towage

Little events, little mistakes, can cause big ripples. Five and a half hears ago, I was silly and fell asleep while driving a moving vehicle, and now I can't work in Alaska in the biggest seasonal job industry there is. Five and a half years! Sometimes after the event, I like to look back on the thought process that led me to make such a mistake. It's usually quite ironic, the decision making that leads me to such fated blunders. I was driving the car because my boyfriend seemed tired, (we were both tired), and I thought, "I can't sleep cause I want to be with him as long as possible, so I'll drive and let him sleep." And yet, somehow, about fifteen minutes after I had taken over the wheel, my eyelids drooped, my focus got fuzzy, and I was swerving across the road in a daze. I then rolled and totalled the car, wrecked the relationship, and had a bloody knee and very sore neck to show for my smart thinking.

That's something of an extreme example. Probably the most extreme I have. But tonight, yet another lapse in judgement led me to park in a tow away zone, ignoring Lindsey's pleas to park in the United Way parking because I didn't know exactly where she was talking about, and I was too lazy to figure it out. Plus I guess I have this "I'm not afraid of you" sort of attitude, I want to see what I can get away with when it comes to parking and driving. Anyway, I saw the tow sign on the parking spot, but thought- 'who needs to shop at Jones and Glass at 9PM on a Friday night? No one. So why shouldn't I park there? We were only going to be two minutes, and I just didn't think it would matter. We did end up staying closer to 30 minutes, but I was not expecting the empty parking lot upon our arrival. Lindsey's' words "I feel like the car isn't here" brought little more than slight surprise as I scanned the area for my little PT. Nothing there. Realization dawned slowly, and I simultaneously fell into a state of shock and disbelief. They towed my car? Why would they do it? Why did they tow my car? Jackie came to the rescue, supplying plenty of attitude and the phone power needed to locate my poor stolen vehicle.

Okay, I'm tired and distracted and need to wrap this up. So $133 dollars later, I have my car back, as well as the knowledge that those no parking-tow away zones are serious business. I feel I learned something tonight, and created a memory to keep 1-09-09 in my mind forever. I just love having friends to share moments like this with. I love that earlier these same friends and I had a picnic on the floor of my house in the biggest Arbys binge I've ever seen. I love that money is just money, and that somehow I feel a little bit more like an adult after this experience.

But I also hope I'll think a little bit more about my actions. I always feel so bad for those people who somehow accidentally kill someone or do some other life-altering damage without meaning to, just from one stupid act they didn't even think about. I hope this new year I can be wiser, think a bit more of consequences, and laugh louder at the stupid mistakes I do make.

Christmas

I love the book A Christmas Carol. I read it every year and wish I could just run and dance with wild abandon and Christmas joy as Scrooge does. This year I underlined parts that I really liked, and thought I'd make a list of some of those parts here. So here you go-a toast to Christmas cheer.

'There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say'

'Christmas time... [is a] good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'

'oh!...Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities missed!...Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all, my business...Why did I walk through crowds of fellowbeings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode? Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!'

'The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.'

'I told you these were shadows of the things that have been...That they are what they are, do not blame me!'

'Come in! and know me better, man!'

'As good as gold... and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.'

'Man, if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child.'

'But they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.'

'And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him.'

'But being thoroughly good-natured, and not much caring what they laughed at, so that they laughed at any rate, he encouraged them in their merriment.'

'For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child himself.'

'Now it wasn't for the sake of anything he might be able to do for us, so much as for his kind way, that this was quite delightful.'

'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.'

'Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!'

'I don't know what to do! ..I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!'

'but he knew what path lay straight before him, and he took it.'

'His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!'

Merry Christmas!

The Fates Have Spoken

So it looks like I'm going to Utah State for school. It's been the plan for some time now, but I rarely act on these plans I map out, and I've been hesitating to make any definite decisions, simply because its hard and I don't want to. However, once I heard Utah State was playing BYU at hockey last night, I determined that I would go to the game, and if Utah State won I would go to school there; if not, I'd come up with an alternative plan. Well, they kicked our trash and won 5-0. So I guess there's no doubt now-I just gotta move forward and trust that hockey will not lead me astray. It never has before, right?
Well, maybe wrong. but I also had another neat experience last night, where I was distraught and-as always these days-angry, but then talked to someone and it transformed the anger to empathy and compassion (weird word but I can't find a better), helping me see that others have problems too and just need a little support at times. It feels wonderful and I'm much more at peace, so it seems that hockey is, indeed, the answer to everything.
Good to know.

Don't wanna stand alone

So today I had a really neat experience. And I'm turning it into a whine fest. Darn it! But that's how it goes. today my grandparents were sealed in the temple. My real grandma has never been to the temple before. she's had quite the past, wasn't active for a long time, has smoked all her life, coffee, you know, normal ranchin' stuff. My not real grandpa apparently has been to the temple, but I think it was a while ago. Well, my grandma has been getting more and more "churchy", and quit coffee and smoking. Just up and quit smoking, after years and years of addiction. She's been working really hard, and so has my grandpa, always talking about when they'd go to the temple. It seemed like it would be a long ways away. Until I went home for Thanksgiving and was told they were going through the salt lake temple on december 4th.
Wow.
Of course I went. And it was so special to see them, my tiny little grandma in her white dress, feeling so happy and special. Everyone was so nice to them. It was the first time I've ever been in the temple with family, the first family sealing I've seen. And it was so neat, and I'm so glad I could be there. for the session, the sealing, the standing around after, the dinner in the cafeteria, the standing in the cold making sure they got to their ride.

But then I was also very sad. I walked into the waiting room before the session, knowing that probably over half the people there were there for my grandparents, but I didn't recognize any of them. I sat alone. Luckily this chatty lady sat by me and heard my whole story, told me hers, and it was fine. that's how it always is, and I'm pretty used to doing this kind of thing alone.

the session was great. the rooms are beautiful. later some relative of mine....well, lets see. a relative of my grandpa, came and she was really good about finding me and including me in everything the rest of the day. i was introduced to a lot of people. Not sure who they were, but nice to at least know we were all there for the same people. we went into the sealing room, and i didn't know where to sit. I had been talking to some people, but I remembered some rift our families had had in the past, and wasn't sure I should sit by them. didn't know where to sit. sat on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone. then I started hearing my name. everyone whispering about me. "oh, that's kent's daughter" "shena, she served a mission.." "no, I don't think she's married" just a lot of tittering, and I couldn't look around because I didn't want to watch them talk about me. And i felt even more this sense of non-belonging. my family is a mess, and its hard to sort out everyone and though they were all well-intentioned, i didn't belong to any of them. And i found myself wishing i did.belong to someone. had someone there to sit by, to follow around. during the changing and eating process, i attached myself to various almost relatives, and really, after this night, i feel closer to a lot of them. i really like them.

but so much standing alone. looking around for someone new to care about me, even just long enough to tell me where to go next, what was happening. Lori was the best. she had me sit on the "brides side" for the sealing. i didn't understand at first and when she told me to sit up there, i just whispered, "there are sides?" and felt foolish, like i'd been sitting on grandpa's side where, apparently, i didn't belong. but all is well, and i think i won them over. they'll be saying what a dear girl i am, and so on and so forth, but all i wanted as i walked back to the parking garage, alone, in the cold darkening night, was to be walking back with someone. someone i belonged to. family, husband, i'm just so tired of doing this alone. i want someone to lean on.

that's all.