Happiness from February

1. Randomly hearing hymns from all over campus
2. A music FHE where first a rapper had us groovin' and dancing with the lights down low, while the bishop watched from the couch, and then a trombone player favored us with a selection of hymns, to which everyone burst into song at the chorus. Only in Provo
3. Clear, sunny skies
4. The Salt Lake Temple
5. Splashing in the rain
6. Valentines Day cookies
7. A mini road trip to hot springs early in the morning
8. Chocolate
9. Winnie the Pooh
10. Reminiscing of butterscotch pudding at grandma's
11. My best friend being pregnant
12. Realizing one day while meditating that I was lost
13. Planning some highly improbably events like going to Hawaii, running a half marathon, and doing the 60mile walk for breast cancer.
14. A hauntingly beautiful song written by a girl in my ward
15. Feeling like I was found
16. Stretching on dry grass after a run
17. Guitars
18. Running 8 miles
19. Mopping at 6AM
20. British movie nights...and discovering The Importance of Being Earnst
21. Reunions
22. Honesty
23. Naan bread
24. Bob Segers song "Roll Me Away"
25. Crossing things off my to-do list
26. Filing my taxes
27. 4 day week of school
28. The coming of March

Something Fitting

So in honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought it appropriate to post something about the pervasive topic of love. It’s amazing all the different kinds of love there are. I used to think there were just a couple of traditional ways of loving someone; love for family, love for friends, and then real love. Now I think there’s as many ways of loving people as there are people. It’s different for everyone. And that’s good. Makes it more personal I guess. I wrote a poem about a different kind of love when I was on my mission. I wasn’t getting along with my companion, and actually was feeling so much anger and frustration and badness that I thought I was going crazy. Mostly because there’s so much more pressure as a missionary to get along with people, to love them and serve them, especially your companion. So one night I was fuming inside and needed some way to get it out. I wrote a lot of not nice things that I look back on now and wish I would have quite whining so much and gotten over myself. But I also tried to understand and overcome, and in honor of that attempt, this is what I came up with.

Enough For Two

Is there enough love for both you and I,
Both very different, we don’t see eye to eye.
I know you’re a child of the same God above
Who waits with blessings to pour down in love.
He sees us the same, no difference too great,
Both children of His, and we both make mistakes,
But when I feel the pain of the mistakes that you make-
I think surely a just God would me compensate.
But a just God would see all the bad things I do,
And the people I hurt, without meaning to.
So I guess we’re both sinners, neither one more or less,
And the justice of God judges us with the rest.
But the hope that I have and the joy that I’ve found
Is from a God of mercy, with hope that abounds
For all of His children, both for me and for you,
A gift from the Savior, a love big enough for two.

Since I’m in a sharing mood, here’s something else I wrote in relation to my mission. It was actually a couple of months before I left, when I was planning on going and trying to work out the logistics. I had called my mom to talk to her about money and to see if my parents could help at all, and we got in an argument. Mostly it was because my mom didn’t understand why I wanted to go on a mission, and I couldn’t explain because it’s awkward talking about my beliefs with my family. She thought I just wanted to travel or do something new, and I can’t remember what I told her but nothing too personal because I don’t open up with my family about that. So anyway, I felt horrible after talking to her and wrote this.

I never meant to hurt you.
Caught up in myself, I didn’t realize I had.
Always concerned with my happiness, my path;
It’s my life and I’m the one who must live it-
Live with it
Still, I know I am not alone;
My actions do affect others
And you only want what’s best for me.
It was selfish to keep to myself,
To tell insignificant reasons, fearing the truth will offend;
Fear drove my actions, but yes
The fear itself was condescending.
To keep from being hurt, exposing myself,
I hurt you.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t think you’d understand.

What life's all about

I love the rain. It's so refreshing. Exciting. Exhilarating. This weather has been phenomenal and this morning was the best yet. My roommate and I went to a ward breakfast thing, and then decided to go for a walk in the rain. It had really started pouring by the time we left and we soon realized that we would be drenched before we made it home. So we gave in to the moment and decided to fulfill the goal we'd made to go puddle jumping the next time it rained.

It was so much fun. There were puddles all over. I felt like a little kid again. Our pants, shirts, hair- everything was soaked, and by the time we made it home our legs were numb from the cold, but it was amazing. Seriously, I think that's what living is all about. That's what makes life fun. There was a little bit of sun peeking out from the clouds, warming the earth as the rain made its way down in the stillness of the morning. No one was outside; well, no one except a few church goers who looked at us like we were crazy. But what does it matter? I'm so happy. I feel so light and free. We decided we were praising God, rejoicing in His creations and the life He'd given us, so it was okay to run home when we got too cold(even though it's Sunday). When we got here I changed out of my wet clothes and went outside to ring the water out of my pants, and I just stood there looking at the beauty, and I realized how lucky I am to be alive. To be alive today, now, and to have the rest of my life before me. Forget being sad.

"Everything flows and nothing stays...you can't step in the same river twice." ~Heraclitus.

I guess that means to me that things come and go, sadness comes, happiness comes, and then they go, rainstorms last for a little while and then they too leave; there's such a short period of time to enjoy them, that I want to take advantage of each moment and not let it pass me by, not think.."well, next time I'll play, but right now I'm too busy..." Or even to think that sad moments mean all of life is sad, or nothing will work out for me. The bad passes as quickly as the good, as long as we are transient, fluid, take it all as it comes then let it go. Life really is like a river, always changing, always moving, (think Pocahontas here), and it's so easy to resist, to fight the changes and the streaming water. Why? I don't want to be the same tomorrow that I am today. So why do I want things around me to be the same? This is so random; I just wanted to say something about the rain, and look where it took me. Well, here's another quote to finish up this silly train of thought, taken from a book called Wherever you go, there you are.

"Letting go..is an invitation to cease clinging to anything...It is a conscious decision to release with full acceptance into the stream of present moments as they are unfolding. To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking." ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

Is it okay

if sometimes I feel sad for no reason? If some mornings I wake up and feel like crying? Even though life is wonderful right now. Even though I've been given so much. Even though I have ten thousand possibilities right now of things I can do and where my future can lead-all of them beautiful because they all equal life...can I be sad without a reason? I try to fight it sometimes. Talk myself out of it, because I should be happy. I should be grateful. And I am. I have blurbs of uncontrollable happiness as much as these moments of sorrow. Maybe I can feel the joy because I can compare it to the sadness. I love that I can feel. Maybe it just means I need to be grateful for being sad sometimes, too. As long as I appreciate it, get into the deepness of the feeling, and realize it means I'm alive...maybe then it's okay.