Disappointment

I think one of the things I hate the most is disappointment. I don't like to be disappointed myself, but I hate even more when other people are. Even about the stupidest, littlest things. I remember one time I went to the zoo for a field trip in school, and I had this thought to get something responsible for a souvenir. I decided to get a hair tie, a yellow one with this little thing on top. I thought my mom would be so proud of me. I couldn't wait to take it home and show her what I'd gotten, and how good I had been to get a hair tie. I can't even fathom now how this was so important to me then. I just remember bringing it home, and showing my mom, and her saying it was all ruined and stretched out. I remembered deliberately picking that hair tie because I thought it was bigger and could hold all of my hair in it better. She couldn't possibly understand how crushed I was that she didn't think it was wonderful...she just said cruelly how it would have been wonderful if I hadn't picked the one that was streched out.

I remember my little brother bothering me so badly; he was so selfish and stupid...(we didn't get along very well when we were younger), and every year at Christmas he would always seem disappointed at the presents he got, like they weren't enough or why hadn't he gotten what my older brother had? And I remember feeling so angry at him, this painful anger that I never even realized until right now was painful because I hated seeing him disappointed, despite how much we didn't get along. Why couldn't he just be happy with what he got? And even worse was my parents, who wanted to make him happy and had gotten him so much, and all they wanted was to see some gratitude. It makes me cringe a little inside even now to think of them.

It happens so often. Birthday party let downs, people you think are your friends turning out to betray you or your family, fun-planned weekends that turn into a fighting, frustrating mess, plans not working out, but mostly it hurts when I see others wanting something so much-wanting to impress someone, wanting someone else to notice something they've done, and being rejected, being ignored. Wanting someone to care and finding out they don't. No wonder I've tried to make it my motto not to expect anything, but just accept what happens. For some stupid reason I'm overly sensitive to disappointment.

For example. My dad bought me a camera for my birthday. Great, right? I need a camera, I've been trying to work out getting one, and here it is, an unexpected birthday present. But my dad, like always, has gone overboard, and instead of getting me a tiny, respectable camera that's good enough and will be easily carried, he gets me this honker of a machine that he doesn't think is too big and that does all these things I'll never learn how to do, and it came with a free photo printer that is mine as well. He's so excited about it, and my mom is there telling me I can trade it in for a little one like hers if I want, and my dad tells me I can too, but look at this cool thing, and all these other things my camera can do, and I know he's disappointed that I don't want it. It's almost like a battle between my mom and dad. But really just him wanting to do as much as he can for his little girl, and I feel sick to refuse him. So I just stare in disbelief at the camera and pretend I'm just in shock that they got me one at all, but I'm sure he realizes I'm not as excited as I should be. See the ridiculousness? But it happens all the time. I can't even count the number of times I've gone out to eat when I wasn't hungry or gotten ice cream or played basketball or tennis or any number of other things with my dad just because I knew he wanted to and I couldn't disappoint him. I've stopped a little now; I realize I kinda hate basketball right now and I won't shoot hoops with him, and when I give in and say I will he's all upset and won't do it because he can tell I don't want to. and I understand. I hate doing things with people if they don't want to. I get upset at people when they don't want to do what I want to do. It's so stupid.

I hate disappointing people. That's when I wish I could just live on my own and have no one ever depend on me or want to do anything with me. And I don't want to depend on anyone else, cause they always let me down too, or don't want to do exactly what I do, or don't think exactly the same way as me. Why does it matter?