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I drove into Provo Saturday night around 7 PM, and had no idea where to go or what to do. All I knew was that I needed a shower. Turns out my trusty car, a.k.a. Horn Powder, does not have a trusty AC system. So I texted a friend and asked what her plans were for the evening. "Not much" she said, and asked if I had any good ideas. "A shower sounds nice," I responded. This was awkward. I don't like people thinking I'm using them, any more than I like actually using them. I did want to hang out with the girl, just wanted a shower first. She very graciously let me use hers, and then we had a fun night watching a movie and eating cold stone ice cream. *Side note* why do I keep going there when I'm against it by principle? It's way overpriced and not really worth it. But then again, it's so good!
Anyway, I spent the night on her couch, then snuck off in the morning to attend church with another friend in my old ward. So wonderful, seeing old friends, promising to call people and hang out...will I honestly do it? I don't know. But its somewhat liberating to know that if I don't want to, I just won't ever see them again, and that's fine. If I do want to, I'll just go to church or something. After church I went to a park, pulled out a blanket, a ton of books, and my phone, and settled in for a great afternoon spent outside, observing others and feeling so transparent. Whenever I'm gone from Provo for a while, the shock of coming back is rather harsh. The park was wonderful because weird people go there, cool people, boys with mohawks at a family picnic, girls with dreads and tank tops. I felt so much more comfortable with these people. I called a ton of people I never talk to because I always have something to do and no time for phone calls, then just laid there for a while until another friend called and I went to see her. It's great. I get to visit people, they generally feed me- under the false impression that I'm starving in my homelessness-then I leave them and go to a park in the downtime. I've never spent so much time in parks, and I really like it. Somehow, from my homeless position, I don't even think about what I must look like or what people are thinking of me, a poor lonely girl sitting alone at a park watching others. Its' amusing really.
So that night I really just wanted to be alone. I'd spent two weeks living on other peoples' timetable and was feeling the need to be independent for a while. I thought of all the friends' I could call that had offered me a place to stay, and instead headed up a canyon at sunset, realizing that though necessity had driven me to it, I really do come to the wilderness for help, for answers, for solace. The beauty calms me, and things somehow become clearer, or less important. The perspective changes. So the answer did not come by way of a place to stay that night, but somehow it didn't matter. I drove back down the mountain, looking for a quiet place I could sit for a while and think. I found a cozy niche and laid out my blanket, again with books and notebook in hand. I read from the Bible, then just sat and looked at the one star that shone in the slowly darkening sky. I listened to the noises and felt even more liberated at my ability to be alone, without worrying, and to connect with myself, to feel alive. As the darkness deepened I had my first real talk with God in months, and I was humbled to find He stills loves me, still waits to hear from me, no matter how stupid I am or how long I take to find Him.
We had a good talk, a long talk, and then I realized that I really did need to find a place for the night. So I headed to another spot, intent on sleeping in the back of my car, only to find a couple people parked there with a dead battery. Luckily I had jumper cables and we got them on their way...helpful for them, and for me, because I didn't really want anyone to know I was sleeping there in my car. I got my "bed" ready, and as I snuggled into the back seat of my car I realized, yet again, that I just don't sleep well in cars, although I was more comfortable than I expected. I also realized how happy I am to have discovered how little I mean to others. Last time I spent the night in my car I was so paranoid someone would see me, or I'd get in trouble, or something terrible would happen. While those are possibilities, I understand that no one really cares about a lone car, or thinks to look inside, and if they did look in and see someone curled up on the back seat, they probably wouldn't think much of it. It's wonderful!
Although perhaps the three stranded people with a dead car battery did care that I was there to help them. And so do I; interesting that the last time I slept there it was my car that had died and someone else that helped me. So I guess it went full circle.
Well I got through the night, and then spent the first half of the next day hiking up an area I know fairly well, only to find a wonderful surprise a bit further along then I've ever gone. How have I never found this place? An hours hike and there I was, sitting on a ledge that overlooked a rushing mountain stream, curving down through rocks and grass, surrounded by pine trees and overlooked by a snowy mountain peak in the background. I was surrounded by mountains, birds were singing all around me, a squirrel actually charged me unaware of my presence, and the sun warmed me after the sweaty chill of hiking and then not. One hour away. What other treasures await me this summer? I sat and read and took a nap and thought again how glad I was that I was the only person there.
The rest of the day was spent in mundane errands and such, but as I had no where to be rushing home to, I didn't seem to mind as much as usual. I went to the computer lab on campus and checked email and spent an hour on the computer without feeling guilty or antsy about wasted time. Then I met up with friends for FHE and dinner and another wonderful night on a couch. Up in the morning on my own time, finished a couple more things I had to do, then I set off for home and a couple visits on the way, with no time constraints at all. Well, that part is due to the fact that I have no job or responsibility at all for a month, which will end when I start working, but then again not entirely. I'm either at work with nothing else to do but work, or I'm off work with nothing to do but play. So really, I think I'm going to enjoy this summer. The big downfall is going to be a shower whenever I need it, because it is a bit odd to ask people to use their shower, but perhaps I can find an obliging river or something...
I am, most of all, excited at the opportunity I'll have this summer for new glimpses into myself. I really feel that something exciting is coming, or at least that I'm going to make something exciting happen. I guess we'll see.
