Christmas

I love the book A Christmas Carol. I read it every year and wish I could just run and dance with wild abandon and Christmas joy as Scrooge does. This year I underlined parts that I really liked, and thought I'd make a list of some of those parts here. So here you go-a toast to Christmas cheer.

'There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say'

'Christmas time... [is a] good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.'

'oh!...Not to know that any Christian spirit working kindly in its little sphere, whatever it may be, will find its mortal life too short for its vast means of usefulness. Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities missed!...Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all, my business...Why did I walk through crowds of fellowbeings with my eyes turned down, and never raise them to that blessed Star which led the Wise Men to a poor abode? Were there no poor homes to which its light would have conducted me!'

'The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost the power for ever.'

'I told you these were shadows of the things that have been...That they are what they are, do not blame me!'

'Come in! and know me better, man!'

'As good as gold... and better. Somehow he gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant to them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.'

'Man, if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child.'

'But they were happy, grateful, pleased with one another, and contented with the time.'

'And every man on board, waking or sleeping, good or bad, had had a kinder word for another on that day than on any day in the year; and had shared to some extent in its festivities; and had remembered those he cared for at a distance, and had known that they delighted to remember him.'

'But being thoroughly good-natured, and not much caring what they laughed at, so that they laughed at any rate, he encouraged them in their merriment.'

'For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child himself.'

'Now it wasn't for the sake of anything he might be able to do for us, so much as for his kind way, that this was quite delightful.'

'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.'

'Best and happiest of all, the Time before him was his own, to make amends in!'

'I don't know what to do! ..I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy. I am as giddy as a drunken man. A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!'

'but he knew what path lay straight before him, and he took it.'

'His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us!'

Merry Christmas!

The Fates Have Spoken

So it looks like I'm going to Utah State for school. It's been the plan for some time now, but I rarely act on these plans I map out, and I've been hesitating to make any definite decisions, simply because its hard and I don't want to. However, once I heard Utah State was playing BYU at hockey last night, I determined that I would go to the game, and if Utah State won I would go to school there; if not, I'd come up with an alternative plan. Well, they kicked our trash and won 5-0. So I guess there's no doubt now-I just gotta move forward and trust that hockey will not lead me astray. It never has before, right?
Well, maybe wrong. but I also had another neat experience last night, where I was distraught and-as always these days-angry, but then talked to someone and it transformed the anger to empathy and compassion (weird word but I can't find a better), helping me see that others have problems too and just need a little support at times. It feels wonderful and I'm much more at peace, so it seems that hockey is, indeed, the answer to everything.
Good to know.

Don't wanna stand alone

So today I had a really neat experience. And I'm turning it into a whine fest. Darn it! But that's how it goes. today my grandparents were sealed in the temple. My real grandma has never been to the temple before. she's had quite the past, wasn't active for a long time, has smoked all her life, coffee, you know, normal ranchin' stuff. My not real grandpa apparently has been to the temple, but I think it was a while ago. Well, my grandma has been getting more and more "churchy", and quit coffee and smoking. Just up and quit smoking, after years and years of addiction. She's been working really hard, and so has my grandpa, always talking about when they'd go to the temple. It seemed like it would be a long ways away. Until I went home for Thanksgiving and was told they were going through the salt lake temple on december 4th.
Wow.
Of course I went. And it was so special to see them, my tiny little grandma in her white dress, feeling so happy and special. Everyone was so nice to them. It was the first time I've ever been in the temple with family, the first family sealing I've seen. And it was so neat, and I'm so glad I could be there. for the session, the sealing, the standing around after, the dinner in the cafeteria, the standing in the cold making sure they got to their ride.

But then I was also very sad. I walked into the waiting room before the session, knowing that probably over half the people there were there for my grandparents, but I didn't recognize any of them. I sat alone. Luckily this chatty lady sat by me and heard my whole story, told me hers, and it was fine. that's how it always is, and I'm pretty used to doing this kind of thing alone.

the session was great. the rooms are beautiful. later some relative of mine....well, lets see. a relative of my grandpa, came and she was really good about finding me and including me in everything the rest of the day. i was introduced to a lot of people. Not sure who they were, but nice to at least know we were all there for the same people. we went into the sealing room, and i didn't know where to sit. I had been talking to some people, but I remembered some rift our families had had in the past, and wasn't sure I should sit by them. didn't know where to sit. sat on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone. then I started hearing my name. everyone whispering about me. "oh, that's kent's daughter" "shena, she served a mission.." "no, I don't think she's married" just a lot of tittering, and I couldn't look around because I didn't want to watch them talk about me. And i felt even more this sense of non-belonging. my family is a mess, and its hard to sort out everyone and though they were all well-intentioned, i didn't belong to any of them. And i found myself wishing i did.belong to someone. had someone there to sit by, to follow around. during the changing and eating process, i attached myself to various almost relatives, and really, after this night, i feel closer to a lot of them. i really like them.

but so much standing alone. looking around for someone new to care about me, even just long enough to tell me where to go next, what was happening. Lori was the best. she had me sit on the "brides side" for the sealing. i didn't understand at first and when she told me to sit up there, i just whispered, "there are sides?" and felt foolish, like i'd been sitting on grandpa's side where, apparently, i didn't belong. but all is well, and i think i won them over. they'll be saying what a dear girl i am, and so on and so forth, but all i wanted as i walked back to the parking garage, alone, in the cold darkening night, was to be walking back with someone. someone i belonged to. family, husband, i'm just so tired of doing this alone. i want someone to lean on.

that's all.

WIGS

Goals. I love making goals. I don't know why, when I never end up keeping them and just feel frustrated at falling short of my ideals. But the idea, the concept of getting better, the thought of progression, is too enticing to wholly give up on, and I always seem to end up back at the "drawing board," planning out the lines and points that will eventually get me to where I want to be. I make goals about things I want to do, places I want to go, projects I want to accomplish, books I want to read, exercise, spiritual practices, how much water I'm gonna drink...it's so hard, even though water is key!!!

Anyway, in this book I read a few years ago, the author talks about "Wildly Improbable Goals," and every time I look through that section of the book I get a tinge of excitement at the prospect of setting these goals and seeing them happen. Cause these aren't your ordinary, week-to-week goals. The purpose is to use the goals to find and do that which, deep down, you're burning to do, to live and accomplish things that you're passionate about, even if you don't know it. So I was looking at the book again today, and felt like I needed to set a few more of these goals. I'm at quite the cross-road in my life, and am about to set off on a path to purpose and fulfillment, and I think getting in touch with these deep-rooted dreams will help guide me along. But first I wanted to post my old goals, because its neat to me to see that some goals never change, and also that some have come true. So on March 17, 2006, I made the following goals:

1. Join the folk dance team and perform (completed in 2007)
2. Perform 3 songs that I wrote (I've never "performed" anywhere, but I have played some of my songs for friends
3. Go backpacking in Alaska (not done, but looking likely this summer!)
4. Travel Europe
5. Be part of a humanitarian effort

I added a couple more sometime this year, written in my book somewhat hastily:

Go to Hawaii (Liz, I think that's when we were planning on going..how dare you go without me?!)
Learn to play the cello
Go back to Albania
Run a half marathon
Folk Music

The last one is something need to focus on now. All of a sudden, I have this great desire again to play my violin, and get really good at it. I love it. I just hate that I suck at it, but that's not gonna stop me! I don't really know what goal to set; the book says to find things that you absolutely love and then make goals that are nigh unto impossible regarding those things. hmmm. So things I love and wanted to focus on are:

again, the guitar and writing songs
violin
dance...and actually choreographing dances, which is ridiculous and I can't do it, but I want to. When I see some forms of dance, or hear certain music, I just wish I could dance and fly and express what I feel...
snowboarding
languages-I think I need to focus on Spanish and really learn it
and then something, something to help, some way I can hear about problems in the world and not just feel paralyzed with frustration and helplessness, but actually contribute to a solution.

Vague. Very vague. Maybe I should have waited till I had some actual, specific goal to accomplish these things. But this'll help get me there, I think. So it also says in the book that when you make these goals, then you start to be drawn to things that lead you to your goal, or you're made aware of opportunities, and if anyone has advice or knows of something that'll point me in the right direction, lemme know! I'll do the same for you if given a glimpse of your dreams.

Last quote that I love from this book:
"Your mission in life is where your deep joy and the world's deep hunger meet" ~Richard Bolles

Count Your Blessings

Every time. Every single time I'm looking forward to sleeping in-the one day I have to sleep in-my dad calls around 7 or 7:30, just to chat. I was up late last night, and today have to work even though its Saturday and I really want a break, so I meant to sleep in and then go to the all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast at 10:00, and my dad calls at 7:30 to tell me about electricity and the progress they are making on the bathroom. Ai me. The funny thing is, I do the same thing to him. My parents get up early. Generally before 6 AM, every day. They are always up. But the rare occasions I decide to call them in the morning, sure its no problem because they're up anyway, they are in fact in bed, sleeping blissfully. Its probably good, sleep is not so important, right? Its just my mental state thinking I get to sleep, and when I'm denied that it takes a minute to accept.

But I do accept it. I love my dad so much, and I love talking to him, and I would never not have him wake me up on Saturday morning just to shoot the breeze, because that's what makes our relationship great. And that's also what leads me to be sitting here, writing this post at 8:23 in the morning on the eighth of November. I thought about getting back in bed. But then I thought-I have a few random thoughts, maybe I'll jot them down. So here we go.

Yesterday was a great day. The 7th. Good number. My job, which has been frustrating me, did not frustrate me, and the weather was beautiful. I played with two cute kittens who lifted my spirits. I also saw two little mini-tornado's swirling leaves around. The first was incredible. It started out circling the leaves on the ground, and then, just like in Twister, the leaves started rising in the air. I stood mesmerized. The second made me curious what its like inside a twister, so I jumped in it, and it promptly calmed into nothing. But I was happy.

I went to a great hockey game. I'm very into hockey right now, thanks to a great friend who goes with me every game. We have the best mindless banter I've ever experienced in my life. As good as I get with my family, brothers and all, I think due to the fact that we know each other less well, so its always a surprise what the other will say. He seriously has the best comebacks for all my ridiculous statements, like "your mom was a siderail." I believe his response to that was "she's never been a siderail in her life." He refutes so well what I say that all I can do is laugh. Anyway, I enjoy it, and I discovered that the food is really cheap! I always expected it to be expensive, like at the movie theater, but no. Cheap McCheaperson. Then there's the dancing. Its partly an attempt to stay warm, and partly this new phenomenon that I just gotta groove, can't keep it to myself, so with all the music, I'm hopping, jumping, twisting, singing, lettin it all hang out, so to speak. And I love it. And I've even gotten my friend to sing into the microphone for me. So good times.

I also have been thinking about how happy I am right now. With my life. It's odd, because I don't know what's up with my life, where its headed, or even where it will take me after April. But right now, its delightful. I feel more comfortable here than I ever have before. I love my roommates so much, and get along with them so well, my house feels like home, and I have friends. Good friends. Friends I eat Sunday dinners with, friends I jam with, friends I sit around and do nothing with, go to shows, games, square dancing, watch movies, plan sleepovers and fort-building, friends I am myself around and feel perfectly accepted. Friends who talk about Albania, and know just what that amazing experience was like. Honestly, every night in my prayers I thank God for my amazing friends and for being so blest by them, because every day something happens that makes me happy, cheers me up, and gives me reason to thank Him. That is neat to me.

I also have time. Not a lot, but not the stress that at every minute, I should be studying, reading a textbook, working on this assignment. That's lovely. I am planning on going back to school, and it excites me because I'll always love learning, but for now, the freedom and leisure is great. I don't use my time to work on any of the numerous projects I have to do, but I have it all the same.

By the way, I just applied to work in Alaska this summer. I hope that pans out.

And I think that is all. Thank you Dad for waking me up to enjoy this beautiful morning and have a little time to recount how blessed I am right now. Last words: my turtle is amazing. Over and out.

Happy Voting

I voted today!

It's the first time I've voted. How horrible is that? I've never been very into politics. I just don't understand it very well, and anyone who knows me knows I don't like what I don't understand. I thought politicians were liars and I never saw my opinion mattering or making a difference.

But recently I've learned a little about politics and government. I took a couple of classes that changed my opinion and helped me realize that the more I learn about issues, the more I care. And that if we all got a little more involved, we really could make a difference. Actually, by doing anything, we have a large likelihood of influencing something, just because no one else is doing anything.

The problem is that now I care a little too much, I think. I get angry about political issues, about our lack of involvement, and mostly, about people's lack of understanding. I admit that most issues are very complicated, and there really is no definite right or wrong. I tend to by swayed by both sides as I hear about them, leaving me undecided in the middle, but very frustrated with people who strongly support a side they know little about. Maybe its because I'm unwilling to really study an issue and come to a conclusion; I just sort of waver and waffle about the "complexity" of it all. But when I hear people spout off about things, and how stupid people are for thinking differently than them, I get really angry. Obviously, the answer is not so straight-forward, or there wouldn't be a bunch of other people who disagree. Anything that people feel strongly about is at least worth looking into, isn't it? Or are we saying their opinion, their thoughts, are just unimportant and invalid, because they're different from ours? I have a lot to say about this, and I can't now because its late, but what I'm really saying is that I want to be politically involved, and then I think I shouldn't because I'm too easily riled up, because it makes me think unkindly about others and I don't like that.

I also don't like that despite resolute goals to be an "informed" voter, I didn't actually study any issues, didn't read up about any of the people I voted for except the president. I looked over their profiles in the packet I got, but felt confused and overwhelmed and unsure about what I thought, so I stopped reading and blindly voted. Ah shoot. I am that person I hate. Hmm. Good title.

On a hopeful note, I voted today. To make a difference. I don't know what difference I was aiming for. But there you have it. Baby steps, eh?

The Burning

I had an amazing experience. I remember that experience. And I still fall short of the ultimate goal of exhilaration, peace, and okay-ness at any time. Brief glimpses of not okay-ness sneak in. So last night my two good friends, Lindsey and Jackie, came with me for a symbolic burning of the spaghetti box my spoon chimes came in on my birthday. Somewhat fitting that it was on his birthday. We took our ipods, the box and a lighter, and Jackie's car, and headed out to the parking lot for our night of revelry.

Lindsey looking appropriately angry.

Jackie's car also showing awesome angry squiggles.

The darn box wouldn't ignite, so we had to bring in extra kindling in the form of newspaper. I guess you could say the many attempts were also symbolic of my several attempts to cut this out of my life.

Success!!

And it was gone. We switched from angry music to liberated music. Freedom. Then we just listened to any old music, as loud as we could, and danced around heartily for half an hour. Circling, twirling, grooving, jumping, leaping, I felt like a little kid and it was great! Thank you friends. Thank you burning, purging, freeing.

I love cats

Especially this one.

What Happened

I have had an experience, and I think it needs to be recorded, because I think there's something here. I'm posting it so those following my saga can know where I stand. So there was a boy that I really liked. While the thought of anything happening started out not only ridiculous and impossible, but also probably undesirable, the more I was around him, learned about him, and the more interested he seemed in me, the more I allowed myself to imagine and hope it could go somewhere.

Key word. Imagine. And once I thought there really was possibility, I gave my imagination free reign. And just like it always does, it created a destiny, a happy ending everything in my life had been pointing to. All the things about me that I thought he'd like became reasons we were perfect for each other. How absurd! And as I have learned, I created an identity for myself based on what I thought he'd think of things, focused my effort and attention on it, and simultaneously lost myself yet again. I sort of realized it was happening, but justified it, because it was only the "not knowing" stage that led to anxiety and confusion. Once we were happily settled together, I would be at peace again.

Coming, as it did, after a long, desperate attempt to hold on to something that was never real and that I honestly never wanted but convinced myself I did, this chance was my salvation. Everything I'd ever wanted-things I'd given up as nice but unnecessary-neatly packaged in one, beautiful person. This was hope when I'd given up hoping; a rescue to the life of settling I had resigned myself to. So here was my salvation, and I thought it so good that I was dreaming again, hoping again.

Well, I continued to dream and to hope for five months. Enough at the beginning to talk through the lessening contact, to explain it on some factor or other. Five months. Wow. But I told him how I felt, and knowing it, he would certainly tell me if we weren't headed there, right? If he was backtracking? 3 months after I told him, and with no positive contact, no satisfying meeting, it was finally time to face facts. Oh, but letting go is so damn hard. The only thing harder, for me, is not knowing. Knowledge is everything to me-the problem, at times, when I just want to know what time is needed to show.

I emailed him, asking him to just let me know it was over. He emailed me back without doing so, though only a frenzied mind like mine would have gathered hope from what he said. I told myself I was moving on, but at the same time knew I wasn't. I prayed and asked for a sign, to know it was gone, I should just move on, because without some definite sign I was never going to be able to, and if there was something I was doing wrong, something I could change to make it work-anything I could do-I would do it.

Thankfully, I got my sign. A strange turn of events and, more importantly, miscommunication, led to my sitting at a little table at a cute Italian restaurant, on a date with the guys cousin, while he and his date sent me into one of the most severe shocks of my life.

This was hell. Hell to see, not some awkwardly arranged date, but his girlfriend, just as aware of the situation as me and him. Hell to try to make excuses about why I couldn't eat the salad I mock girls for getting. Hell to want to catch every move the couple made, to read the signs of their movements, all the while avoiding looking at him and pretending to be enthralled with his cousin, who's never really understood me or been understood by me. All the while trying to act normal, to keep breathing, to somehow drink enough water to stop my mouth from drying out altogether. Hell trying to quench the flames engulfing me, inside and out. My pride, my hope, my love, my misconceptions, my imaginings, my trust, my understanding of him and his situation, all swiftly destroyed in the flames burning my soul.

Yes dramatic, as dramatic as I can make it, because it was awful. I was giddy with the shock of it-blind to everything but the memory, and the die hard effort to block the memory out. I ranted and raved to friends and family, tears, anger, so much anger. The desire to never, ever see him again. To cut all connection. To send the parting words "fuck you," and then forget him forever. I was hurt, astounded that he would put me in the situation rather than admitting something was amiss, or just making up a story. Completely dumbfounded why he wouldn't have just told me. After my email would have seemed an ideal time, but if not then, then at least a warning before I saw the together. No, that was cruelty and inconsiderateness to a degree I could not have expected, and had defended him against for months.

Yet there it was.

I couldn't eat. My stomach a constant knot, my mouth perpetually dry. A few moments of sadness, surrounded by hours of intense anger. I knew it'd be fine-give it time and I'll be all right, I always am. And the next time, someone who actually wants me.

Well, I had a neat moment, praying. A moment of repentance, where I realized I had turned from God, yet again put something else above Him, and until I figured it out, faith was not #1. Not only that, but I'd created this image, this bad girl persona. I am a chameleon. I change for people. Or I did.

I felt a great weight lifted. Lightness. Hope. Love. Another chance, a new beginning, one entered into hand in hand with my God and my support. It was lovely.

But my mind kept replaying what I'd say, the few direct, angry words I'd use to cuss him out if given the opportunity, though I wouldn't initiate it, because his opinion no longer mattered to me. I kept feeling sad, upset, most of all panicked. Oh my gosh, what now? All my former concerns about direction and purpose, overlooked while he was my direction and purpose, came crashing down on me. What now? And how to trust, how to love? Fear, so much fear.

I came home. I came home with the whole family, and felt happy. After my prayer the fire had stopped, and the shock was subsiding. I ate something. I laughed heartily with the fam., felt peace and love looking at the stars. Knew things would be okay. And still stayed up an hour while trying to fall asleep, thinking of the anger, the "what I'd say if I could."

Woke up the next morning alright. Didn't think I could eat for a while, found out I could. Revelled in the beauty of Idaho. Then went on a life-defining fishing trip with Shawn. And Chris. Up Home Canyon. Headed out to raucous conversation, and still the lingering thought that if he could hang out with the fam, he'd fit in so well; so funny, possibly the strongest reason I had for liking him was the assurance he'd get along so well with the family. So this weird desire for him to see us, to witness our conversations, persists though I try to banish it.

But as I sat on the rocks, the sun, listening to my brothers fish, and reading the book "The Power of Now," I really did find it. Peace, enlightenment, truth. I even read the chapter on relationships, and realized all that had been flawed, selfish, and needy in mine, recognized the dysfunction and theft that at some level I knew was happening but not deep enough to stop it. Realized not only that I needed to forgive him (not at some time in the future when the pain stopped, but now), but that I did forgive him. That I knew I could no longer send him an email that was childish, harsh and full of swear words. That I couldn't, and that I didn't need to. Realized that in that moment, I was fine. Not just fine, not just okay or surviving, but intensely peaceful, happy, and hopeful. And realized that if in that moment I could feel that way, then at any moment I could feel that way. Trying to see the future brings panic and hurt, reliving the past does the same, but this moment-I am in control. I'm not gonna write all the philosophies of the book. I'm just saying it changed me. I was free.

And though I did worry about falling back into old patterns, the old mindset taking over, fear and anger and pain creeping back in, they haven't. Occasionally that silly thought- "if he could see this" comes back-it's such a habit, a way I think. But it's quickly replaced.

I ate three meals today. (Written September 30) And I felt so light tonight. I went outside and danced-with energy from food and joy of spirit-and welcomed fall and October, and ran with the jumping dog. I made a fire, rolled in the grass with the dogs, watched a movie with attention riveted, snacked on candy, and had the realization that the anger and the mind-conversation have not come back. I'm not looking to the stars in desperation that the beauty will save me. I'm looking at them and seeing them, just as I saw the trees and the ripples-yes, damn it, the ripples!

Maybe its not all better yet. But I'm happy for them and even happier for me. Clarity, how I love thee.

Christmas in August

So I wrote this to put on my blog about a year and a half ago, and I don't know why I never did but when I found it and read it today I thought-this must go on. Not for anything I said, just get to the Bushisms. I can barely contain myself. Anyway, here is the old but still pertinent account:

Day 1: The Whim of a Hat

So Christmas has officially begun; finals are finally over and everyone’s traveling home for the holidays. Saturday morning I woke up way too early, after a couple of nights staying up way too late, and set off for home and family fun. The drive was nice, although I knew I should have been listening to Christmas music and I just couldn’t do it. There’s still too much emotional tension inside and I need the release certain music can give me. I made it home with little mishap. My mom was finishing the Christmas shopping, and my dad and brothers were out jeeping, so I enjoyed a hearty welcome from my dogs and cat. When the boys got home we immediately started abusing each other and calling each other names; I knew right away this would be a fun couple of days. After sitting around a bit and then dancing out all the held-up tension to some funky reggaeton music, I gathered everyone around and introduced them to my new favorite game: TransEuropa. It met with great success from everyone but me, because I’m actually getting tired of the game. They loved it, however, and the good times began.

After playing for a while we decided we needed food, and headed out to the famous “Dan’s Delicious Drive In” for some sustenance. We amused ourselves with mean stickers and arcade games until the food was ready, then joked heartily as we ate, about all kinds of inappropriate things. Joked quite loudly. At one point, after some rather obscene comments about farting and an even louder burp, my little brother looked at my dad and said, “Don’t look at me like I’m doing something wrong.” To which we all burst out laughing for ten minutes. The obsurdity of it, and even worse the fact that he was serious. And that’s my family. On the way back out to the car, my older brother broke off an icicle and tried to stick it down my shirt. I blocked once, but as I got in the car he successfully placed the icy sickle down my back, so I threw it at him. My other brother caught it and then stuffed it down my dad’s shirt. Upon which my dad began to cuss in what seemed a rather familiar way for him, but something I’d never heard before. His words, “I’ll kick you’re a** you sissy boy, you ain’t messin’ with no little girl now,” sent us all into stitches yet again. My dad meant what he said, though, and as we made it home, he grabbed an icicle and proceeded to forcibly manhandle my brother in an attempt to put it down his pants. He knew he only had one chance to get my brother back, so he gave a great effort and ended up giving my brother quite the surprise as suddenly someone was groping his butt. Sadly, my dad had the wrong brother, making the whole situation even more amusing. Man I love my family.

The laughing never stopped. I made Christmas goodies with my mom, ate way too many and became thoroughly sick, then went to see “Night at the Museum” at the tiny theater in town. Pretty funny. More funny watching us all jitter and dance in a line out of the theater after the movie, my dad trying to be some gangster rapper guy. When we got home, we didn’t know what to do, so I insisted we open a present for Christmas Eve’s eve. Only my little brother really felt like it though, so he opened the calendar I gave him of George W. Bushisms by Jacob Weisberg. My family has quite a strong dislike for our 43rd president, so we sat around and for about an hour and a half laughed until we could laugh no more at the ridiculous things our president has said. So that you can understand, I’ll put a couple of samples up.

“I’m hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.”

“Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.” (The whim of a hat?)

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”

“If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.” (This idea is really the root of my dislike for him)

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

“I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.”

“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe, and what I believe-I belive what I believe is right.”

“The Bob Jones policy on interracial dating, I mean I spoke out on interracial dating. I spoke against that. I spoke out against interracial dating. I support the policy of interracial dating.”

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”

“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”

“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”

“I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend,”

I could go on but I think I’m violating copy-right laws. We were dying.

All Is Not Lost

So I realized something about myself. I have this strange tendency to think that when something goes wrong, all is lost. Even when things just don't go quite right, or when they are different than I planned, its time to throw in the towel and call it quits. It's such a ridiculous weakness I have, this readiness to give in. The surprising part is that nothing horrible has ever happened; no one has died because I forgot to do something, or hated me for the rest of my life because I said something wrong...I have no reason to panic, break down, and give up. Yet I do it anyway.

I plan out my schedule for the day, and then something goes wrong. A person gets in the way of my timetable, and I treat them as obstacles keeping my perfect plan from unfolding. I'm in charge of something for church activities, and I don't know exactly what's expected of me, so I feel threatened, pressured, and rebellious that too much is demanded of me. Then I refuse to do anything and seek ways to blame others for my lack of action. Sometimes it's not even that something bad happens, it's just that I can't imagine what will happen; I'm in a new and frightening situation, and as I attempt to predict what this situation will be like, scenarios of failure play through my mind and I lose all enthusiasm or hope for the event.

So despite being an optimist, and being known, by those who don't know me, for being positive and upbeat all the time, I am more often than not looking at the worst side of things. I see why things will not be perfect; I see how things will fail. I judge others for falling short, and think somehow they've ruined everything. I judge myself even harsher, and think I'll never amount to anything, never get it right. I worry about everything. I worry that if I don't plan enough, things won't turn out right. I think through every step, every hour, sometimes every minute, to make sure I'm prepared for the situation and have done everything I should have done. As my roommate helped me see, this only makes me the more angry when things still don't work out. No amount of worrying and planning can stop accidents from occurring, or keep things from going wrong. Nothing can stop life from happening.

So I've decided it's time to stop worrying. It's time to get rid of the "doom and gloom" attitude I've become so familiar with. Things will go wrong. And they will turn out right. Every situation that I've thought was ruined, every activity gone wrong, has been fine. I go into things with heavy heart, shaking my head and seeking someone to blame, or someway that I could have prevented whatever bad thing happened, and I come out, light hearted, smiling, wondering how everything came off so well, and vowing not to panic the next time, to trust that all would be well. Things that should have been done will not be; people will not be called, preparations will not be taken, and everything will be fine. Life is not half as scary as I make it out to be in my head. So now the challenge. No more giving up. No more scowls and frustrated accusations. Deep breaths, acceptance, faith, and commitment to doing the best I can with what I've got. There is no hopeless situation; there is nothing broken beyond repair.

There is no end to this pointless post because I'm too lazy to think of anything.


But if I may, here are a couple of things that have made me overwhelmingly happy in the last couple of days-things I think about when I start to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Things that really matter.

First, the ducks this morning. I walked up to campus on a beautiful, sunny, warm winter morning, when birds were chirping, the snow was melting, and little clumps of ducks were all over. One particular white duck wagged his little feather behind at me the whole time I was walking past. I had to wiggle mine back-how could I not? And then, to my delight, I saw something made from snow on the lawn...a snow duck! With exquisite detail and form, a pure white duck sat there on the snow. I took a picture with my phone and moved on.

Another delight was walking out my front door a day or two ago, and seeing tons of little quail prints in the snow, running across our front lawn. I could just imagine the little plumpies waggling across the yard, their feather bobs bouncing up and down. All I wanted more was to see a little whisk in the snow from one if their feather bobs.

I've always gotten a kind of thrill from being outside during the middle of the day. It stems back to my elementary school days, when I was always in school during the day, of course. The times when I stayed home from school, and saw my mom at home, or when she worked but would come home for lunch, I just dreamed of the day when I could be home during the middle of the day, or doing errands when others were at work. There's something so thrilling about it! So yesterday, when I walked down Center Street at lunchtime, I was honestly tingling. To see all those buildings, and know offices were inside, with people working, and people taking lunch, and I was there, standing outside watching it all...it's the weirdest thing but I love it. I'm seeking a profession where I can be out and about when others are at work.

There have been a couple rather large snowstorms recently, but twice they've come and gone briefly, right around sunset. During these storms, the sky was dark and the world covered in snow, but as I looked to the west, the sky cleared, the sun shone, and a sort of light burst happened that filled me with such awe and hope and joy. I love sun shining through clouds when it rains, and it turns out that its just as magnificent when it snows.

Adding to that, the thought of spring has made me happier than a lot of things. This weather is crazy, snowing one day, freezing another, and warm and sunny the next. Well each time the snow melts, and little patches of grass start to show, I feel energized and ecstatic. I feel like a kid again, that can't wait to get outside and play. Today I think I even smelt "a bit of earth."

And lastly, the spaghetti. Making spaghetti with my roommate, seeing her throw it at the wall, and drag little noodles through the hot water to get them soft enough to eat...really those noodles look so silly and wonderful floating through the water. And I've always loved the word noodle.

The end. But I'm on the lookout for more such wonderful simplicities.