Don't wanna stand alone

So today I had a really neat experience. And I'm turning it into a whine fest. Darn it! But that's how it goes. today my grandparents were sealed in the temple. My real grandma has never been to the temple before. she's had quite the past, wasn't active for a long time, has smoked all her life, coffee, you know, normal ranchin' stuff. My not real grandpa apparently has been to the temple, but I think it was a while ago. Well, my grandma has been getting more and more "churchy", and quit coffee and smoking. Just up and quit smoking, after years and years of addiction. She's been working really hard, and so has my grandpa, always talking about when they'd go to the temple. It seemed like it would be a long ways away. Until I went home for Thanksgiving and was told they were going through the salt lake temple on december 4th.
Wow.
Of course I went. And it was so special to see them, my tiny little grandma in her white dress, feeling so happy and special. Everyone was so nice to them. It was the first time I've ever been in the temple with family, the first family sealing I've seen. And it was so neat, and I'm so glad I could be there. for the session, the sealing, the standing around after, the dinner in the cafeteria, the standing in the cold making sure they got to their ride.

But then I was also very sad. I walked into the waiting room before the session, knowing that probably over half the people there were there for my grandparents, but I didn't recognize any of them. I sat alone. Luckily this chatty lady sat by me and heard my whole story, told me hers, and it was fine. that's how it always is, and I'm pretty used to doing this kind of thing alone.

the session was great. the rooms are beautiful. later some relative of mine....well, lets see. a relative of my grandpa, came and she was really good about finding me and including me in everything the rest of the day. i was introduced to a lot of people. Not sure who they were, but nice to at least know we were all there for the same people. we went into the sealing room, and i didn't know where to sit. I had been talking to some people, but I remembered some rift our families had had in the past, and wasn't sure I should sit by them. didn't know where to sit. sat on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone. then I started hearing my name. everyone whispering about me. "oh, that's kent's daughter" "shena, she served a mission.." "no, I don't think she's married" just a lot of tittering, and I couldn't look around because I didn't want to watch them talk about me. And i felt even more this sense of non-belonging. my family is a mess, and its hard to sort out everyone and though they were all well-intentioned, i didn't belong to any of them. And i found myself wishing i did.belong to someone. had someone there to sit by, to follow around. during the changing and eating process, i attached myself to various almost relatives, and really, after this night, i feel closer to a lot of them. i really like them.

but so much standing alone. looking around for someone new to care about me, even just long enough to tell me where to go next, what was happening. Lori was the best. she had me sit on the "brides side" for the sealing. i didn't understand at first and when she told me to sit up there, i just whispered, "there are sides?" and felt foolish, like i'd been sitting on grandpa's side where, apparently, i didn't belong. but all is well, and i think i won them over. they'll be saying what a dear girl i am, and so on and so forth, but all i wanted as i walked back to the parking garage, alone, in the cold darkening night, was to be walking back with someone. someone i belonged to. family, husband, i'm just so tired of doing this alone. i want someone to lean on.

that's all.