Decisions

Jobs I've Had:

Babysitter- Jr. High
Paper Girl- Jr. High
File Clerk- right out of High School
Custodial Widstoe bldg. and Marriott Center- Freshman year
Cashier in Cougareat- Second half freshman year
Wal-Mart cashier- summer between freshman and sophomore years
Custodial Marriott Center- Sophomore year
House Cleaner and at-home-job-scam-believer-summer between sophomore and junior years
Custodial Marriott Center- Junior year and spring/summer after
Walkabout Field Staff- Fall 03 (instead of going back to school) to March 04
AM/PM (gas station)Cashier- April to June 04
Missionary (kind of counts)- July 04 to January 06
Cashier and food prep Dans' Delicious Drive-In- February to May 06
Chinese Food Waitress- February to May 06
Custodial Marriott Center- Spring/Summer/Fall 06, Winter 07
Outback Field Staff- Summer 07 (homeless)
Outback Transporter- August and September 07
Homeschool Warehouse Worker- Fall 07
TA Geography of Natural Disasters- Winter 08
Waitress Los Hermanos- February to March (ha, really?) 08
Meter Reader Provo Power- May 08 to present
Staff at Residential treatment center- May to September 08
Boys and Girls Club staff- October 08 to May 09
Outback Transporter- June 09 to August 09

whew! Why the boring list you ask? Because I'm in a crisis and don't know what to do. I don't know what I want!!! One little thing sways me so easily. Look at these jobs. You know how I got them, how I picked them? Someone else told me about it, it was easy and flexible so I got the job and stayed, fate sort of led me to them...really none of them required much effort, and I dont know if any reflect desires that I had or simply just happened.

I want to move. I had this wonderful plan to move to Salt Lake, get a place all by myself, get a cat, get a real, full-time job, and meet some new people. I wanted to escape Provo and all its stigmas, the lack of diversity in people, and the memories of certain people (you can't escape memories when you keep running into people). So I've been half-heartedly looking into jobs and apartments in Salt Lake, getting excited about the prospect but not sure how it would ever work out. But still, the goal. Also excited about the thought of not working at Provo Power for another winter. It can be miserable out there!

And then in class last night, the one friend I have made, keeps telling me I can't leave. So in an effort to make me stay here, she's planning on setting me up with a guy. Lest you get worried right now, I do not plan to stay in Provo for a blind date. But then she threw out that the school she works at may have an open position, being a sort of coach for kids who are at risk, getting my foot in the counseling arena and working at a school. This came on the very day that I'd been talking with my boss and feeling like I didn't want to leave the meter reading. This school job is part time so I could keep both jobs. And now I am swayed. Real jobs, as opposed to the imaginary ones I will acquire sometime soon? Cheaper rent, where I could still get my own place but for half the cost? One little conversation and I'm having a melt down.

I feel like a kid. A baby, who will never grow up. I feel, somehow, like if I moved to Salt Lake I'd be an adult. But if I did the same thing in Provo, I'm stuck in student mode, transition, and I have this fear somehow like it'll land me in Utah for the rest of my life, rather than just the next two years. And yet...so much easier. Jobs right there, still around friends, in a safe place where I can run outside, walk around alone, feel more free I guess. Aghghhh. If only I knew what I really want.