Telos

A couple years ago I met a guy named Scott. He was cool. He worked for a residential treatment center for troubled youth, so we had something in common. About a year ago, I asked him about programs that he knew of that were cool, as I was looking for work and didn't know where to go. He recommended this program called Telos, a place that trains kids to do triathlons as part of the core treatment. He was super excited about the place; I thought it sounded weird. So I didn't apply.

Until a month or two ago, when I was in desperate need of work and even considered working at Wal-mart. Lets restate that. I applied at Wal-mart. They just never called me back. So I applied at every residential I could find, not knowing if they were hiring or not. It took about a month, but in the last two weeks three of these places contacted me for interviews.

The first interview was for the state jv program. Didn't go great, and I didn't get the job. The second was at Maple Lake Academy, a small program for girls with learning disorders. Interview was fine, except the girl had the flu and felt like she had to puke the whole time. Once I went to the place, I wasn't super excited about working for them, and it seemed like chaos in the house, but I needed work. Then I got a call from Telos last Wednesday- could I come in for an interview that day?

Really? same day? but I rearranged my schedule and went in. Right before the interview I got the email from Maple Lake that they hired someone already in the company. So I went to Telos knowing this was my last shot, but also totally unsure what would happen.

There were a lot of people there when I got there, which threw me. I don't like a lot of competitors. But the guy interviewing me took me back to his room, a wilderness room covered in skills like possibles bags, drums, flutes, bows, all sorts of familiar gadgets. He had worked at Anasazi with my old field director, so we had a connection. I felt pretty good about the interview, and became incredibly excited about the job. As I left the place, I realized I was tingling. Excited, as I had been all day.

It's a sign!! I thought.

I am supposed to work here. They do humanitarian work in third world countries. I've wanted to start a program like that. They do other cool things. They go snowboarding. It sounded great. And the fates had combined to make this happen. Wednesdays are my lucky days, connections happened, the exciting cloud weather meant good things were coming my way, and I even read my horoscope, which promised career opportunities were coming unlike any I'd ever seen that would change my life. No, the message was clear. Herein was my destiny.

I got a call the next day to come in for a second interview. Eureka! I'm in! And yet...slight doubt because that meant others were just as good, so far. But still, I was confident. It was my destiny.

But wait. You may be remembering a previous post of mine (unlikely, but possible), titled "Fates Be Damned." I don't believe in destiny, right? I don't believe in fate. You get what you work for, and make what you get work. And yet, so many things in my life that work seem to come about not by any supreme effort of my own, but by chance, and usually fairly easy for me. So "it's meant to be" really means "just worked out that way. I didn't have to do anything, cause i'm a lazy git."

Anyway, what happened next really highlighted this dilemma. I went to the second interview. And was totally thrown off my game. Honestly, I felt funky all day. I had to stare out my window at the sunset before, to try and calm myself down and center; I even did some yoga balancing poses to try and balanced my out of whack life. I was nervous, and I realized I wanted this job like I haven't wanted much. But why? I hadn't wanted it before...was it just because fate told me to want it?

Back to the story, I went to the place, couldn't find a way in, ended up walking in late to a group meeting with two students, three staff, hiring girl, and two other interviewees. No one introduced anyone though, as they had already started, so I had to just observe to figure all that out about who was who. Everyone but the interviewees were asking questions and writing stuff down, judging us.

This is no good. I turned into a jibbering idiot. Knowing the outcome, you may be thinking i'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad. I promise you, it was that bad. I said everything wrong, with absolutely no confidence, and made no sense. I laughed in the midst of one explanation and said I had no idea what I was talking about and could they repeat the question. The only leg up I had was that the other two had no experience in this field. I have a plethora of it, but I didn't even talk much about it or my experience to answer the questions. When people ask me a question, I answer it, as honestly as possible, just that question, just what they asked. Ridiculous.

Anyway, I walked out of there knowing it was over. (honestly though, I also knew I would get it. FATE man!) I felt horrible, and I thought about how hell is described as knowing you could do better. I made all these comparisons about life being that interview, and how you're all excited to prove yourself before, and then you get there and think...what the hell am I doing? And you know you're messing it up but you can't think straight and you can't make it better. Then its over and you watch and think-I knew better than that. I knew exactly what to do/say there, I just didn't. I sabotaged myself.

And I literally felt drained, and worthless, and depressed thinking these things. Like I wasn't a good leader, like I'm not assertive enough for this, like I'm in the wrong profession and should look into filing or something. And I wondered why I let other people's opinions matter to me, why I doubted myself just because others couldn't see who I was. Honestly, I was in despair. But then at work, I had the neatest experience. Just one of those "climb out of my mind and get back in my body, in the present" moments that are so beautiful. I did crawl out of my mind, I looked at my shadow and asked my body what it thought of me. And it told me I was great. That I'm awesome at leading, at youth, and caring; I just suck at interveiwing. and it told me I care too much what other people think. That I try to climb in their heads to see what they see, and that I never can. And I tried to explain to my body that I needed to know what others think, that that is what society teaches us, to see what others see and thus regulate our actions.

I saw a cat and a teaching moment was truly born. "Look at that cat" I thought. "I want that cat to know that I like cats, so that it can trust me. And I have to match my actions to my knowledge of a cats reaction, and how it will interpret certain actions. I need to think in its head for a bit to know what to do to communicate." And then the brilliant lesson-
"ah, yes. But whether the cat understands you or not, whether it believes you mean it no harm or whether it continues being scared, you still know you like cats. You don't doubt it. You don't question yourself. You don't beat yourself up. What you are is not affected by that cat's reaction."

Do you see? Anyway, it was great to me. And for the rest of the day and into today, I felt so happy. I loved myself. I knew that I was good at things, and not good at other things, and it didn't matter. I knew that if they didn't hire me, I would find something else, and I would hopefully portray myself better next time, but I was fine with who I was. Such a great lesson.

So now, I feel better about myself. But a little confused on my stance on fate. Because I had given up on fate, and I really do think things just happen because they do, that you just gotta follow your own course. But after that disastrous interview, there's nothing but fate that could have gotten me that job. Its like I did everything in my power to stop it and it still happened! that's gotta mean something. And what about smalls and her "feelers"? They've never led her astray. But maybe thats just cause she's amazing and can have success wherever she goes?

This was really a journal entry. and just some musings of mine on this issue. But it felt good to get it out. So I got the job. And now I've vested so much emotional energy into it I feel sort of blah about the whole thing. Yeah, that's cool. I hope I like it though. I hope its a good program. I hope I really don't mind staying in provo, and that one day i can get out. I really am happy though, I think. Just had a long day and I'm really tired. But cool. This is cool.