Remember When

I couldn't sleep the other night, and I wrote that really silly blog because my mind needed something to do other than try to sleep?

That was a sad day.

Today is much better. Lets look at the facts.

This morning was really cold, but then the sun came out and the weather was beautiful, and I walked around in short sleeve shirts...nope, just the one. I just had on one short sleeve shirt. I wore it well though.

Anyway, I mean to say it was lovely. Then there's the blessed reality that my eyelids are drooping as I type, though it's only 9:25 PM, which bodes well for a blissful night of rest soon to follow.

Also the delightful temperatures today forced me outside for a run I thought I was too tired to do, but instead I thoroughly enjoyed.

RUN?! you ask. Why yes, run. Even though I just ran 13.1 miles on Saturday, my thirst for running was not satiated and I have gone twice since then. Monday I just ran on the track because it was cold out, and I wanted to work on speed a little. I only went 3 miles, but two of them were barefoot.

Let me break here to tell you that this barefoot phenomena craze is, in fact, phenomenal. I read Born to Run while down in Moab, and other than having me now planning 100 mile ultra marathons in my future (yeah right, but then...maybe), it also told me things I already suspected about running without shoes. It all started when a co-worker showed up in those ridiculous five fingered vibrams or whatever. The silliest looking shoes I've ever seen, but after discussing them with him, I have begun to see them more and more on all kinds of people. I didn't know much about the idea though, the philosophy behind it, just that some people thought it was better for you to run without your shoes.

Then, one day very early into my training for this half marathon...(so early, in fact, you might well consider that I wasn't actually training but simply attempting to move my slug-like body around a track a few times), I was having a ridiculously hard time and began to hurt everywhere. I think I'd gone a whopping total of 1 mile, when my body just started to shut down. I couldn't breathe, my knee hurt, my hip hurt, this other weird thing on my front ankle hurt, I was, in effect, falling apart. But no! I couldn't stop at ONE MILE! It was preposterous. So I hearkened back to my previous encounter with Mr. Vibram, the 5-toed, and decided to give it a whirl. I kicked off my shoes and went sailing around that track and voila! all my pain and injuries were history.

It was a miracle. And it has been in the back of my brain for awhile now. So reading Born to Run, I obviously related to what it said, and believed it when it stated that we are cushioning our feet into little comas, which result in running injury after injury every year, despite paying hundreds of dollars for these high-tech shoes.

Okay, why did I go on that tangent? I don't remember, and I'm not going to backtrack to figure out the grammatically correct way to continue. I'm just going to wow you all by stating that the first time I went running after my half marathon was Monday. I wanted to take it easy, so I went to the track and I ran a mile in shoes to warm up, then "kicked off my running shoes....jeez, louise...blah blah blhah" did you get the song there? I apparently don't know the words. anyway, point being, I felt like a gazelle, like a deer, like I was soaring through the air and my feet were hardly touching down. They were hardly touching down. And I ran that second mile a full minute faster than the first, and it felt magnificent. The last lap I tried to just run, fast as I could, with a sprint at the end that was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was great. So great that I decided to run another mile after that. Tacked on 30 seconds, but some of that might be due to the large blood blisters I got on my toes which are unused to the lack of coma-inducing cushioning.

Anywhoo...running. Ah yes, so then today I went for another run. Because the weather was so nice, I went to my trails. If I am any kind of runner, it would be a trail runner. That is where I come alive, where I don't care about mileage or time, I care about leaping over that bush, or dodging that rock, or watching the two birds just soar and play in the wind, or startling that deer...it's the best ever and I went today even though I was tired and moody and didn't want to. And afterwards, bless you endorphins, I felt amazing. Scooted home with a big smile on my face and hope in my heart. Yes, a good day.

My calves are unbelievably sore, also from the barefoot running I think. Gotta re-train these muscles it seems, but it's well worth it.

Do I have a point to wrap up here? I think not. Just needed to point out how things are much better than that night, with no stress about sleep and no 13 miles to run tomorrow (thought maybe 13 hours to work! Yikes). yeah, that's all really.

oh, I do intend to blog about the half marathon but my mom took most of the pictures and I may never see them again, if things go as they normally do. So hopefully that will come soon. In the meantime, I have a rendezvous with the sandman I don't want to miss. Until next time!

Peace

seriously

Tis a sorry state I find myself in, this very top o' the morn after St. Patty's Day. Lying on my floor in a sleeping bag, eating pizza and downing a gallon of chocolate milk at three in the morning.

Why, you ask? To keep from being insanely angry at my inability to sleep.

Yes, you guessed it, my mom is here for the night again. We are heading down to Moab manana, so she came down this evening to allow for an earlier departure. Got here about 8:30 and immediately whisked me away to the Gap for some shopping. There is nothing to put me in a fouler mood quicker than a shopping trip with my mom, when I'm tired and overwhelmed and she can't stop talking about how fat she looks and how she HAS to lose weight, etc. But off we went, for the half hour before closing. Then home for a dinner of beans and Taco flavoured TVP (textured vegetable protein). It was delicious and I sold her on the taco stuff. It really tastes like tacos!! Maybe that was too late for me to be eating? Still, no excuse.

We got into bed around 10, and I laid by the light so I could read to put me to sleep, remembering previous nights with my mother and my inability to sleep. But try as I might, I could not get sleepy. Eventually I turned the light off and tried to breathe calmly, to tell myself not to worry, but all I could think about was the magazine article talking about preparing for a race, and how two nights before was actually the critical sleep night, as pre-race night is often filled with jitters. Well, something's jittering me tonight! I don't know if I am wigged out about this race, or just the anticipation of the drive and such tomorrow...something is keeping me up, and I feel like it has something to do with my visitor.

Sadly, i think this weekend is going to be hard. I turn mean when I'm around my mom, apparently. Add my brother, and two very different friends, and you have one very sketchy sounding weekend. I'll start off pulling an all-nighter, cause i dont see sleep coming in the next three hours, add a long drive, my typical family nastiness, then a grueling 13 mile run, and you basically have me exhausted the whole weekend and likely to make everyone hate me. This should be fun.

On the upside, I made green spaghetti for the staff lunch today, and got dougnuts and sugar cookies, and wore green, and bought green chips for the incoming staff. If I don't have kids, at least I have someone I can feed green food to. And my turtle got a freeze-dried fish in with her food. Weird, but she liked it.

Oh, and I ate lucky charms for breakfast. Let me tell you, my plan to eat pure and do yoga and run this whole week, plus chugging tons of water, has failed utterly. I've done none of those things. I am reading Born to Run, which is spectacular and makes me want to run ultramarathons (go 100 miles!), and also makes me feel like I'm a wuss for getting worried about 13 puny little miles, so I'm trying to use that to calm myself down when I get hysterical about not sleeping. But it also makes me wish I had actually trained properly or would be in any way at all ready for this run. Ah well, let the good times roll!

(but seriously, can everyone send me a little good karma saturday morning? I think I need it)

Interconnected

As humans, we are all connected to each other. Those around us are influenced by us, and we, in turn, are influenced by them. In some ways, I want to celebrate this, applaud the strings that tie us together, and announce that these strings are what make us human. But I also wish we weren't connected, wish my actions did not impact anyone but myself. Because right now I am trying to figure myself out, trying to understand life and how I fit in, and why I have struggled all my life with some things, and as I work on figuring this out, I am doing things that others don't understand or approve of.

You have to understand my perspective. I am 28 years old, almost 29, and there are really very few people who are affected by my life. My roommate has to deal with me when she's sees me, and sometimes is concerned when I don't turn up for a while or leave for a weekend without telling her. People at work are affected if my performance changes in some way. My family is quite detached; my brothers do their own things and pay no mind to my life. My parents are concerned that I don't have a job or direction, which causes them stress, which bothers me and makes me want to cut all ties with them too so they don't have to worry. But there is no one else. No children, no permanent members of my life, just transitory friends who come and go. Their lives can in no way be changed my mine.

Other than example. Yes, we are social creatures, and we change ourselves based on what we see others do. That is regrettable, I suppose, if someone were to do something they otherwise wouldn't because of something they see in me. But I can't take responsibility for that. Even if I were trying to be good, my actions could lead someone to do something....a long chain that only someone omnipotent could unravel and understand. I make no such claims about myself, and can only hope each person take responsibility for his own actions.

I guess my point is, it saddens me that people are worried about me. It saddens me that girls from my relief society would come by for a visit, to chat, to see how I am, to tell me that they miss me, because I haven't been in church, but they don't call me to hang out or do anything other than church. Which means we have a church relationship, and if I no longer go to church, we can't be friends. Things are weird. Things somehow need explaining, because our liking of one another is based on shared beliefs that I no longer share. I really like these girls, and would like to hang out and be friends (except that every time the conversation turns to how we're single, and how all we want is to be married and have kids, and how we're running out of time, and how we need God to perform a miracle to get us married), but there's a weird vibe, a weird, "we must save Shena" vibe that bothers me. And they don't offer, really, because we're church friends.

I have so many other friends, really really good friends, who I want to be in my life for a long time, who mean a whole lot to me, and I'm not implying that the above applies to them. I'm apologizing for worrying you, for disappointing you, for not living up to what I should. I'm thanking you for loving me anyway, and for giving me space. Because of all the things I do, its not about you, its not about anyone else but me, and my struggle, and my attempt to cease being the chameleon I have been my whole life, to stop doing what everyone expects and wants me to, to figure out what I want me to do, and who I want me to be. You, dear friends, are my strength, you give me meaning, you lighten and brighten my life. I am so glad we are interconnected in that way, and I hope I can continue to lift you in some way and help you whenever you need it.

Well this is as surprising to you as it is to me, but I guess I've just been concerned lately and needed to vent this out. The girls stopping by is what triggered it but I've felt some sense of worry about many people, about my desire to be honest with them about what I feel and think and believe, tempered by my ever-existent need to do what is socially appropriate, to say what others want to hear, or at least in my silence allow them to believe I agree with them. I don't want to be two-faced anymore, nor do I want to raise concern. I am fine. :)

Now that's more like it!!

Sometimes I forget what a really good powder day will do for you. I am so glad I remembered today.

I did go running yesterday. And it was actually pretty good, except my legs get more tired than they used to by the end. Still, I felt good about it, and it definitely knocked me out into a blissful night's sleep. Also, I talked to Smallcomb, and she always makes me feel better.

Then this morning, I checked the snow report and 7" of new powder awaited me up at sundance. I had no choice but to go, right? Despite really tired legs that only got even more thrashed on the mountain, it was just sublime. I love snowboarding.

On powder. Sometimes I go up there, by myself, and its just boring. That's why I haven't gone much lately, plus the sickliness. But on a powder day, I don't care who I'm with. I may actually prefer being alone, to just soar through the snow like cutting through clouds. I love it. I even love the chop that follows, once all the excited skiiers/boarders get out there and do their damage on the hill. You always have to be on your toes, but with your toe end up! or you'll go down in an instant.

Today an added danger was the massive cloud that rolled in at the top and cut visibility to about 5 feet. It was ghostly and surreal and even more intense, but so fun! That was exactly what I needed to reclaim myself. I am excited again. Cloud Cult was kind enough to musicate my whole time on the mountain (not much, had to work still) and they are always so inspiring. YEEEEEEHAAAAAWWW! lets see what the rest of the day holds :)

Run Run Run

Okay, here's the situation.

In two weeks, I am supposed to run a half marathon. I have never been as apathetic and undedicated about preparing for a race as I have been for this one. The trip to Vegas/getting sick came at the crucial training juncture, and left me almost 100% positive this will not be possible.

I have the option of switching to a 5 mile race, and that will likely happen. But even that requires some training, no? After the illness, my chest was/is still full of nasty mucus yuck that seems to be my particular curse every time I get sick. So even though I did start running last week, it's incredibly hard to breathe and my endurance is crap.

The only option I have at this point is to get running and hope I don't suffer too much. But what am I doing? Sitting on my couch, eating mini-snickers bars, thinking about how tired I am, how wet and cold from reading meters in the rain today, and how all I really want to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep. Or watch a movie while eating really delicious foods. Or cry, really really long and hard because that's what I've been feeling like doing lately.

None of these things will get me ready for my Moab run. I am, by the way, so excited to go to Moab, to get out, to get away. I hope it helps. I went to Cedar City last weekend to see Liz and Sawyer, and the rest of the wonderful family, and it was so nice. They're so great. But the weather turned cold sunday and it was back to hibernation mode for me. (check out Liz's blog Zion for pics, she does a great job picture narrating fun events; I just like to complain :)

Anyhoo, that's really all I have to say. I know it's Wendy's birthday and that should make it the best day in the whole world, and maybe if you were here Wendy, it would be, but since you're not, it's just cold and super rainy and lonely. But remember how I came to you, 6 years ago, and sunny Durres, and we danced with that one family...and started a wonderful time of my mission that meant so much to me. ahh. i guess it is a good day. YOU would go running if you were me. darn it. One more mini-snickers and then I'll think about it.