Interconnected

As humans, we are all connected to each other. Those around us are influenced by us, and we, in turn, are influenced by them. In some ways, I want to celebrate this, applaud the strings that tie us together, and announce that these strings are what make us human. But I also wish we weren't connected, wish my actions did not impact anyone but myself. Because right now I am trying to figure myself out, trying to understand life and how I fit in, and why I have struggled all my life with some things, and as I work on figuring this out, I am doing things that others don't understand or approve of.

You have to understand my perspective. I am 28 years old, almost 29, and there are really very few people who are affected by my life. My roommate has to deal with me when she's sees me, and sometimes is concerned when I don't turn up for a while or leave for a weekend without telling her. People at work are affected if my performance changes in some way. My family is quite detached; my brothers do their own things and pay no mind to my life. My parents are concerned that I don't have a job or direction, which causes them stress, which bothers me and makes me want to cut all ties with them too so they don't have to worry. But there is no one else. No children, no permanent members of my life, just transitory friends who come and go. Their lives can in no way be changed my mine.

Other than example. Yes, we are social creatures, and we change ourselves based on what we see others do. That is regrettable, I suppose, if someone were to do something they otherwise wouldn't because of something they see in me. But I can't take responsibility for that. Even if I were trying to be good, my actions could lead someone to do something....a long chain that only someone omnipotent could unravel and understand. I make no such claims about myself, and can only hope each person take responsibility for his own actions.

I guess my point is, it saddens me that people are worried about me. It saddens me that girls from my relief society would come by for a visit, to chat, to see how I am, to tell me that they miss me, because I haven't been in church, but they don't call me to hang out or do anything other than church. Which means we have a church relationship, and if I no longer go to church, we can't be friends. Things are weird. Things somehow need explaining, because our liking of one another is based on shared beliefs that I no longer share. I really like these girls, and would like to hang out and be friends (except that every time the conversation turns to how we're single, and how all we want is to be married and have kids, and how we're running out of time, and how we need God to perform a miracle to get us married), but there's a weird vibe, a weird, "we must save Shena" vibe that bothers me. And they don't offer, really, because we're church friends.

I have so many other friends, really really good friends, who I want to be in my life for a long time, who mean a whole lot to me, and I'm not implying that the above applies to them. I'm apologizing for worrying you, for disappointing you, for not living up to what I should. I'm thanking you for loving me anyway, and for giving me space. Because of all the things I do, its not about you, its not about anyone else but me, and my struggle, and my attempt to cease being the chameleon I have been my whole life, to stop doing what everyone expects and wants me to, to figure out what I want me to do, and who I want me to be. You, dear friends, are my strength, you give me meaning, you lighten and brighten my life. I am so glad we are interconnected in that way, and I hope I can continue to lift you in some way and help you whenever you need it.

Well this is as surprising to you as it is to me, but I guess I've just been concerned lately and needed to vent this out. The girls stopping by is what triggered it but I've felt some sense of worry about many people, about my desire to be honest with them about what I feel and think and believe, tempered by my ever-existent need to do what is socially appropriate, to say what others want to hear, or at least in my silence allow them to believe I agree with them. I don't want to be two-faced anymore, nor do I want to raise concern. I am fine. :)