The Telling of Christmas

The beginning of the goodness began with the coming of the Smallcomb. She flew out the Thursday before the week of Christmas...I’m going to stop making this as wordy as possible now. Right. Good. So Smalls came, and we played and frolicked with Jess and had such a jolly time. Whilst eating delicious Chinese food (vegan!) in Provo, we randomly ran into Pips, Coxi, and co., and promptly arranged a Sunday dinner to catch up with them. That was a lovely Christmas miracle. I love them.


We also watched ice skaters skating (it was much too cold to skate ourselves), walked through the Gil-Gal Garden (a must for any Salt Lake visitor), and checked out the Dickens Village, a somewhat disappointing marketing trick to get us to pay to shop. But at least there was wassail!

Then Smalls left, on a cold, sad, dismal day, but at least there was peppermint hot chocolate!

And then, three days later, I was picking up my brother Shawn who had flown in from California, and we caravanned up to Idaho with Chris to bring he whole family together again.

And there was much rejoicing.

We spent the first day last minute shopping. Everyone was very excited and involved. My mom cooked a delicious dinner. Then the grandparents, an Uncle, and a cousin came over for dinner, one of the funnest family dinners we’ve had in a long time. At least at the kids table.

Saturday the fam went snowboarding/skiing at Beaver, a wonderful resort that had more snow than Snowbird at this sorry time of year. Wait, what? It’s a sorry time for snow, that is. Not much snow. but Beaver was delightful. And tiring.

We had leftover turkey (or tofurkey!) sandwhiches on the drive back that were amazing. Then, while waiting to take a shower (5 people and one shower takes a bit of time), I tried to make some fudge. Let me tell you, I’ve never struggled so much to make a candy as I did this year. My first attempt at fudge-grandma’s old fashioned fudge-resulted in failure. A fudge so hard it couldn’t even be jack-hammered off the plate I put it on, with the few chocolate flakes we managed to scrape off bringing a strange burnt flavor that just wasn’t quite fitting. So I was bound and determined that this second, easier fudge recipe would not get the better of me.


But boy did it. In a huge way. This recipe called for a double broiler, something we surprisingly do not have. But two pots we had, so away I went, boiling water, then placing the second pot on top to melt the cocoa and sugar all together into a delicious, creamy, smooth mixture that suddenly-BOOM! exploded in my face. Hot water all over my chin and hands, not to mention the kitchen wall and floor. Chocolate splatches also spattered my clothes, the floor, and the kitchen counters. this was perhaps the most disastrous baking incident since the glass pan exploded from sitting on the burner, nearly 10 years ago!

To make a short story long, no good fudge this year. Very disappointing.

But after the shower David showed up and that was not disappointing at all. He got there just in time for the opening of presents, which we did early because Chris had to leave the next day. I don’t know what I did right this year, but I was sure spoiled by Santa, and everyone else! My brothers gave me their old XBox 360, and Rock Band 3. And Shawn’s old guitar and drum set. I love that my brothers treat themselves to much more than I do, and then get tired of their treats. Fantastic.

My parents gave me a TV. A new one, that doesn’t need a digital converter to get TV. A flat screen. It’s actually kind of fun to join the new century.

David competely fooled, and kind of annoyed me, by giving me a scooter cover. It’s a lovely present, but he made it appear as though that was all he got me, which honestly was all I was expecting. But then, after everything else, he brings in this other huge box, with snoopy wrapping, that contained a record player/CD player/tape player/ radio. Old fashioned but with all the cool gismos. And of course, a record to play, since I don’t have any. My mom sure had fun going through all her old record though, and finding a Christmas one to play.

It was so nice. What a nice boy. What a nice Christmas. I haven’t even started playing with all my toys yet, as coming back to work and life have taken something of a toll on me. But I am very excited. And content.

Now to get ready for next year!!!

The Prelude to Christmas

And now, after a 7 month break, I am back on my blog to tell you about Christmas. It was fantastic. I don’t want to write about it because that makes it seem over and done with, and I’m still under the impression we are at the height of Christmas season. I do want to write about it though, because it was great and happy and more I just miss writing on here.

To explain my absence, I did not stop writing because I had nothing to write about. In fact, the last six months have brought about some of the hugest changes my life has seen in quite some time. But those changes, including gaining-to some extent-a life, have hindered my ability to spew my thoughts on the internet for you poor innocent victims to read.

The first change = the coming of David. My boyfriend.

Gasp everyone, it’s true. I have a boyfriend. I met him on a scooter ride to Antelope Island, and he has taken much of my time since then.

The second change = homeless! Yes folks, once again I was homeless for a time, which was severely detrimental to my comfortable, laze about at home and write on my blog time. It was actually a pretty horrid time, where I discovered once again the absolute joy of having a place to call home, to sit and relax, to take a shower, and to keep all of your things together and in an organized fashion. Homeless was my decision, but my car breaking down for the entire two month duration was not, and let me tell you, homeless on a scoot is not fun. But times have changed and improved, which leads to change 3

Change 3 = my new apartment! My very own, all to myself apartment. In Salt Lake City! I love it. It’s downtown, in a historic apartment building, with glass doors leading into my kitchen, old school leaded glass windows and cabinet doors, original tile in the kitchen and bathroom, just adorable. All to myself. AND, my kitties...

Changes 4 and 5 = Charles Darwin Jr. Jr. Finn and Captain Lewis Robert Hobbes (Bob Hobbes. Just say it, it’s phenomenal). The best, most adorable kittens ever. My little terrors and my little loves.

However, I don’t have internet in this most wonderful of apartments. So to get on the internet, I have to either go to the coffee shop on the corner (where I feel the need to buy something in order to sit there and use their internet, and I’m poor!) or the library, a wonderful building but quite overwhelming and time consuming. so I just stay off the internet mostly. But I’ve missed reading about everyone’s life, and sharing mine, so here I sit, writing a blog to save on my computer until I can get to an internet source and upload. Whoa is me. Hahaha! I couldn’t remember how to spell the woe here, but I like the other version :)
Anyhoo, the only other changes are the extreme haircut, and the more extreme haircut.

And tonight the new car! Well, the new, used car. If it actually pans out, that will be my next blog.



Okay, are we all caught up? Then maybe I can move on to Christmas.

Goals?

Okay, so remember how sometimes I get really ambitious and make all these goals and plans to improve myself?

Well, the coming of Spring has rejuvenated me, and I feel inspired to improve myself once again, or work towards something, or, at the very least, make some more ridiculous names for the week that sync with my desires for improvement. So here's what I've come up with so far.

Monday:
Tuesday Tummy Day (work the abs)
Wednesday Weight Day (use weights. probably the focus will be the arms)
Thursday Thigh Day (not sure if this is soley thighs or incorporating butt. Gotta see if butt fits in elsewhere)
Friday:
Saturday

That's all I've come up with. I wanted to just start doing little exercises everyday to get this ol' bod beach worthy (I know, starting a bit late, but better late than never, right?), so I just need a day for abs, arms, butt, that's all I can think of really. So are the other days freebies? Monday Moon day? hmmm, a work in progress. suggestions appreciated.

Also, there is this silly idea that I'm running another half marathon in a month. The thing is, when I don't have a race planned, I make all these running goals and plans to get faster and endure and be an amazing runner. and then somehow when I do have a run planned, I get sick and feel tired and never train, maybe so as to have an excuse to do poorly? I don't know, I just know I haven't run since my last half marathon, so i feel this bear lake one may kick my butt worse than the first. We'll see.

Also, I'm planning on  a week of only fresh stuff, veggies, fruits, maybe rice cause I feel I will need something more. Felt like I needed some intense cleansing before my birthday.

On that note, I'm working to make this birthday one of the best ever. I don't usually make a deal about my birthday, but maybe the fear of a breakdown next year (30!!!) has made me cautious to enjoy this last one before that happens. So not that the fresh diet will make me love my life, but the rewards after will.

Any ideas for a fabulous birthday? I actually took a week off and I'm stoked. I want some form of camping. I want sees candy (thanks julie for already getting me wonderfulness in this area), I may want to go paragliding at point of the mountain, I want to do a backflip to prove to myself I still can, I want some feast with my parents, not sure the kind of cake, ice cream, maybe a jam session with Jo and the Gilchrist crew? hmmm. Oh and I want flowers.

So right. goals. I'm on it.

Love

Meet Craig and Connie Minowa. They are in the band Cloud Cult, which I love. Actually, Craig is Cloud Cult, though the rest of the band make it the incredibly special thing that it is.

What I love is the absolute love they seem to have for each other. Granted, Craig could just be another typical musician/artist romantic, and usually that kind of bugs me and seems overly dramatic and whatnot for my jaded little heart. But deep down, I am one sappy, hopeless romantic, and if I'm ever going to have a romance, it sure better be like this one.

I don't really know about their relationship. I know how Craig feels by his music. He is in love with this woman. But just look at this picture. What I love is the comfort. The honesty, the relaxed, here-we-are-enjoying-each-other look. I guess I just don't know how to get to this stage with people, because it seems like everyone I meet has this persona to present, and so do I, and no one can just be themselves and kick it on a couch. They're all worrying what others think, or at least thinking about what others think, and I don't know but this picture and the love it represents just makes me think of safety and comfort and just what I want. Somehow seeing Craig and Cloud Cult somehow also gives me hope that I will find this. I don't know why, but there's such a positive life-affirming-ness to these guys, it gives me hope.

Hope, may I point out, that I did not feel listening to Conference. I will say no more, just saying there's a stark contrast there.

Anyway, that's all. I'd really like to be in love. But I'd like it to come from honesty, openness, trust, mutual love and respect. I am so dishonest with everyone that seems unlikely, but still, I will look at this picture and hope.

Remember When

I couldn't sleep the other night, and I wrote that really silly blog because my mind needed something to do other than try to sleep?

That was a sad day.

Today is much better. Lets look at the facts.

This morning was really cold, but then the sun came out and the weather was beautiful, and I walked around in short sleeve shirts...nope, just the one. I just had on one short sleeve shirt. I wore it well though.

Anyway, I mean to say it was lovely. Then there's the blessed reality that my eyelids are drooping as I type, though it's only 9:25 PM, which bodes well for a blissful night of rest soon to follow.

Also the delightful temperatures today forced me outside for a run I thought I was too tired to do, but instead I thoroughly enjoyed.

RUN?! you ask. Why yes, run. Even though I just ran 13.1 miles on Saturday, my thirst for running was not satiated and I have gone twice since then. Monday I just ran on the track because it was cold out, and I wanted to work on speed a little. I only went 3 miles, but two of them were barefoot.

Let me break here to tell you that this barefoot phenomena craze is, in fact, phenomenal. I read Born to Run while down in Moab, and other than having me now planning 100 mile ultra marathons in my future (yeah right, but then...maybe), it also told me things I already suspected about running without shoes. It all started when a co-worker showed up in those ridiculous five fingered vibrams or whatever. The silliest looking shoes I've ever seen, but after discussing them with him, I have begun to see them more and more on all kinds of people. I didn't know much about the idea though, the philosophy behind it, just that some people thought it was better for you to run without your shoes.

Then, one day very early into my training for this half marathon...(so early, in fact, you might well consider that I wasn't actually training but simply attempting to move my slug-like body around a track a few times), I was having a ridiculously hard time and began to hurt everywhere. I think I'd gone a whopping total of 1 mile, when my body just started to shut down. I couldn't breathe, my knee hurt, my hip hurt, this other weird thing on my front ankle hurt, I was, in effect, falling apart. But no! I couldn't stop at ONE MILE! It was preposterous. So I hearkened back to my previous encounter with Mr. Vibram, the 5-toed, and decided to give it a whirl. I kicked off my shoes and went sailing around that track and voila! all my pain and injuries were history.

It was a miracle. And it has been in the back of my brain for awhile now. So reading Born to Run, I obviously related to what it said, and believed it when it stated that we are cushioning our feet into little comas, which result in running injury after injury every year, despite paying hundreds of dollars for these high-tech shoes.

Okay, why did I go on that tangent? I don't remember, and I'm not going to backtrack to figure out the grammatically correct way to continue. I'm just going to wow you all by stating that the first time I went running after my half marathon was Monday. I wanted to take it easy, so I went to the track and I ran a mile in shoes to warm up, then "kicked off my running shoes....jeez, louise...blah blah blhah" did you get the song there? I apparently don't know the words. anyway, point being, I felt like a gazelle, like a deer, like I was soaring through the air and my feet were hardly touching down. They were hardly touching down. And I ran that second mile a full minute faster than the first, and it felt magnificent. The last lap I tried to just run, fast as I could, with a sprint at the end that was unlike anything I've ever felt before. It was great. So great that I decided to run another mile after that. Tacked on 30 seconds, but some of that might be due to the large blood blisters I got on my toes which are unused to the lack of coma-inducing cushioning.

Anywhoo...running. Ah yes, so then today I went for another run. Because the weather was so nice, I went to my trails. If I am any kind of runner, it would be a trail runner. That is where I come alive, where I don't care about mileage or time, I care about leaping over that bush, or dodging that rock, or watching the two birds just soar and play in the wind, or startling that deer...it's the best ever and I went today even though I was tired and moody and didn't want to. And afterwards, bless you endorphins, I felt amazing. Scooted home with a big smile on my face and hope in my heart. Yes, a good day.

My calves are unbelievably sore, also from the barefoot running I think. Gotta re-train these muscles it seems, but it's well worth it.

Do I have a point to wrap up here? I think not. Just needed to point out how things are much better than that night, with no stress about sleep and no 13 miles to run tomorrow (thought maybe 13 hours to work! Yikes). yeah, that's all really.

oh, I do intend to blog about the half marathon but my mom took most of the pictures and I may never see them again, if things go as they normally do. So hopefully that will come soon. In the meantime, I have a rendezvous with the sandman I don't want to miss. Until next time!

Peace

seriously

Tis a sorry state I find myself in, this very top o' the morn after St. Patty's Day. Lying on my floor in a sleeping bag, eating pizza and downing a gallon of chocolate milk at three in the morning.

Why, you ask? To keep from being insanely angry at my inability to sleep.

Yes, you guessed it, my mom is here for the night again. We are heading down to Moab manana, so she came down this evening to allow for an earlier departure. Got here about 8:30 and immediately whisked me away to the Gap for some shopping. There is nothing to put me in a fouler mood quicker than a shopping trip with my mom, when I'm tired and overwhelmed and she can't stop talking about how fat she looks and how she HAS to lose weight, etc. But off we went, for the half hour before closing. Then home for a dinner of beans and Taco flavoured TVP (textured vegetable protein). It was delicious and I sold her on the taco stuff. It really tastes like tacos!! Maybe that was too late for me to be eating? Still, no excuse.

We got into bed around 10, and I laid by the light so I could read to put me to sleep, remembering previous nights with my mother and my inability to sleep. But try as I might, I could not get sleepy. Eventually I turned the light off and tried to breathe calmly, to tell myself not to worry, but all I could think about was the magazine article talking about preparing for a race, and how two nights before was actually the critical sleep night, as pre-race night is often filled with jitters. Well, something's jittering me tonight! I don't know if I am wigged out about this race, or just the anticipation of the drive and such tomorrow...something is keeping me up, and I feel like it has something to do with my visitor.

Sadly, i think this weekend is going to be hard. I turn mean when I'm around my mom, apparently. Add my brother, and two very different friends, and you have one very sketchy sounding weekend. I'll start off pulling an all-nighter, cause i dont see sleep coming in the next three hours, add a long drive, my typical family nastiness, then a grueling 13 mile run, and you basically have me exhausted the whole weekend and likely to make everyone hate me. This should be fun.

On the upside, I made green spaghetti for the staff lunch today, and got dougnuts and sugar cookies, and wore green, and bought green chips for the incoming staff. If I don't have kids, at least I have someone I can feed green food to. And my turtle got a freeze-dried fish in with her food. Weird, but she liked it.

Oh, and I ate lucky charms for breakfast. Let me tell you, my plan to eat pure and do yoga and run this whole week, plus chugging tons of water, has failed utterly. I've done none of those things. I am reading Born to Run, which is spectacular and makes me want to run ultramarathons (go 100 miles!), and also makes me feel like I'm a wuss for getting worried about 13 puny little miles, so I'm trying to use that to calm myself down when I get hysterical about not sleeping. But it also makes me wish I had actually trained properly or would be in any way at all ready for this run. Ah well, let the good times roll!

(but seriously, can everyone send me a little good karma saturday morning? I think I need it)

Interconnected

As humans, we are all connected to each other. Those around us are influenced by us, and we, in turn, are influenced by them. In some ways, I want to celebrate this, applaud the strings that tie us together, and announce that these strings are what make us human. But I also wish we weren't connected, wish my actions did not impact anyone but myself. Because right now I am trying to figure myself out, trying to understand life and how I fit in, and why I have struggled all my life with some things, and as I work on figuring this out, I am doing things that others don't understand or approve of.

You have to understand my perspective. I am 28 years old, almost 29, and there are really very few people who are affected by my life. My roommate has to deal with me when she's sees me, and sometimes is concerned when I don't turn up for a while or leave for a weekend without telling her. People at work are affected if my performance changes in some way. My family is quite detached; my brothers do their own things and pay no mind to my life. My parents are concerned that I don't have a job or direction, which causes them stress, which bothers me and makes me want to cut all ties with them too so they don't have to worry. But there is no one else. No children, no permanent members of my life, just transitory friends who come and go. Their lives can in no way be changed my mine.

Other than example. Yes, we are social creatures, and we change ourselves based on what we see others do. That is regrettable, I suppose, if someone were to do something they otherwise wouldn't because of something they see in me. But I can't take responsibility for that. Even if I were trying to be good, my actions could lead someone to do something....a long chain that only someone omnipotent could unravel and understand. I make no such claims about myself, and can only hope each person take responsibility for his own actions.

I guess my point is, it saddens me that people are worried about me. It saddens me that girls from my relief society would come by for a visit, to chat, to see how I am, to tell me that they miss me, because I haven't been in church, but they don't call me to hang out or do anything other than church. Which means we have a church relationship, and if I no longer go to church, we can't be friends. Things are weird. Things somehow need explaining, because our liking of one another is based on shared beliefs that I no longer share. I really like these girls, and would like to hang out and be friends (except that every time the conversation turns to how we're single, and how all we want is to be married and have kids, and how we're running out of time, and how we need God to perform a miracle to get us married), but there's a weird vibe, a weird, "we must save Shena" vibe that bothers me. And they don't offer, really, because we're church friends.

I have so many other friends, really really good friends, who I want to be in my life for a long time, who mean a whole lot to me, and I'm not implying that the above applies to them. I'm apologizing for worrying you, for disappointing you, for not living up to what I should. I'm thanking you for loving me anyway, and for giving me space. Because of all the things I do, its not about you, its not about anyone else but me, and my struggle, and my attempt to cease being the chameleon I have been my whole life, to stop doing what everyone expects and wants me to, to figure out what I want me to do, and who I want me to be. You, dear friends, are my strength, you give me meaning, you lighten and brighten my life. I am so glad we are interconnected in that way, and I hope I can continue to lift you in some way and help you whenever you need it.

Well this is as surprising to you as it is to me, but I guess I've just been concerned lately and needed to vent this out. The girls stopping by is what triggered it but I've felt some sense of worry about many people, about my desire to be honest with them about what I feel and think and believe, tempered by my ever-existent need to do what is socially appropriate, to say what others want to hear, or at least in my silence allow them to believe I agree with them. I don't want to be two-faced anymore, nor do I want to raise concern. I am fine. :)

Now that's more like it!!

Sometimes I forget what a really good powder day will do for you. I am so glad I remembered today.

I did go running yesterday. And it was actually pretty good, except my legs get more tired than they used to by the end. Still, I felt good about it, and it definitely knocked me out into a blissful night's sleep. Also, I talked to Smallcomb, and she always makes me feel better.

Then this morning, I checked the snow report and 7" of new powder awaited me up at sundance. I had no choice but to go, right? Despite really tired legs that only got even more thrashed on the mountain, it was just sublime. I love snowboarding.

On powder. Sometimes I go up there, by myself, and its just boring. That's why I haven't gone much lately, plus the sickliness. But on a powder day, I don't care who I'm with. I may actually prefer being alone, to just soar through the snow like cutting through clouds. I love it. I even love the chop that follows, once all the excited skiiers/boarders get out there and do their damage on the hill. You always have to be on your toes, but with your toe end up! or you'll go down in an instant.

Today an added danger was the massive cloud that rolled in at the top and cut visibility to about 5 feet. It was ghostly and surreal and even more intense, but so fun! That was exactly what I needed to reclaim myself. I am excited again. Cloud Cult was kind enough to musicate my whole time on the mountain (not much, had to work still) and they are always so inspiring. YEEEEEEHAAAAAWWW! lets see what the rest of the day holds :)

Run Run Run

Okay, here's the situation.

In two weeks, I am supposed to run a half marathon. I have never been as apathetic and undedicated about preparing for a race as I have been for this one. The trip to Vegas/getting sick came at the crucial training juncture, and left me almost 100% positive this will not be possible.

I have the option of switching to a 5 mile race, and that will likely happen. But even that requires some training, no? After the illness, my chest was/is still full of nasty mucus yuck that seems to be my particular curse every time I get sick. So even though I did start running last week, it's incredibly hard to breathe and my endurance is crap.

The only option I have at this point is to get running and hope I don't suffer too much. But what am I doing? Sitting on my couch, eating mini-snickers bars, thinking about how tired I am, how wet and cold from reading meters in the rain today, and how all I really want to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep. Or watch a movie while eating really delicious foods. Or cry, really really long and hard because that's what I've been feeling like doing lately.

None of these things will get me ready for my Moab run. I am, by the way, so excited to go to Moab, to get out, to get away. I hope it helps. I went to Cedar City last weekend to see Liz and Sawyer, and the rest of the wonderful family, and it was so nice. They're so great. But the weather turned cold sunday and it was back to hibernation mode for me. (check out Liz's blog Zion for pics, she does a great job picture narrating fun events; I just like to complain :)

Anyhoo, that's really all I have to say. I know it's Wendy's birthday and that should make it the best day in the whole world, and maybe if you were here Wendy, it would be, but since you're not, it's just cold and super rainy and lonely. But remember how I came to you, 6 years ago, and sunny Durres, and we danced with that one family...and started a wonderful time of my mission that meant so much to me. ahh. i guess it is a good day. YOU would go running if you were me. darn it. One more mini-snickers and then I'll think about it.

What Matters

Okay, today I woke up at 3:51, fuzzy from the drugs I took to sleep well last night (alka seltzer cold and such) and wanting nothing more than to curl up in the guest bed of my parents house and go back to sleep. I'd gone home to spend out my confinement with family and pets, and had actually done a fairly decent job at healing myself, or being healed by caring, equally sick parents.

I digress. At that ungodly hour I awoke, and withing ten minutes was on the road for Lehi, where I needed to be to work no later than 7:30. I drove, on the verge of sleep most of the way until the beautiful dawn woke me to a sense of wonder and excitement for this day. Made it to Outback at 7:30 on the dot, got to work, and stayed working until 8 PM tonight. That's 12.5 hours of work, for those who need the math help, after a very early uprisal, and it has left me somewhat groggy and spacey. That and the medicine I took tonight which is putting me to sleep as I type.

All of this is an apology for this post, and how it won't be anything magnanimous. But that's what you're used to, right?

All I wanted to say tonight is:

1). I love Mumford and Sons. Okay, I've only actually heard two songs, but I heard them both on the radio, independently, and wrote down the words to look up who it was because I thoroughly enjoyed them. Then I saw them on a recording of the grammy's, and literally fell in love. I will get more of their music soon, and for the time being I will have all I need to keep me going when life gets tough.

2). I drove home from the field tonight with a coworker who is coming in early because his brother's best friend was found dead this morning. He had been out...ice skating? doing something on a frozen lake in Minnesota when he was hit by a car also out on the ice. The car left him for dead though, and his body was found by snowmobilers the next morning. The staff was sort of in shock as he told me about it, about how devastated his brother would be, about what a great guy this had been and how tragic it was.

It made me think. Death always does. Maybe because it's typically very detached from me, its people i sort of know, or someone I just hear about. I've never lost anyone really really close to me. I can only imagine that grief. But what I imagine makes me really question my life, question my priorities, question my plans, question my fears, and wonder what I can do more. How I can live more, how I can make more of myself, how I can fill the time to lessen regrets when I have no more time here. Because it could have been me, just as much as him. It could always be me. Or you. I don't want to live in fear of dying, but i really don't want to live with fear of living. And I do. Every day of my life.

So it got me thinking, that's all. The staff at first decided he'd stay out in the field, but as it started to sink in what had happened, he decided he needed to come in. One of the therapists summed it up nicely, saying that it's hard to stay and deal with the group's petty problems and fights and shirkings of duty, and see those things as important, when your perspective has shifted like that, when those things really become the petty disagreements that they are, and something so serious and real looms up ahead of you. I took some license with that description, but there it is.

So what petty things are getting in my way? What disagreements, poison everything to me, so i think they actually matter in the grand scheme of things? What do I let rule my life instead of overcoming to create the life I want? How do I create the life I want?

Interesting. That's all. It was an interesting night. Day. minute. Hour. they're all one, really.

Us Mormons

This poem was written a long time ago. I apologize to the person who wrote it if this offends you. I will delete it if requested. I just stumbled across it the other day and it made me so happy, I had to share it. I believe we were in like, third grade? Something around there? Okay here it is

We believe in the Book of Mormon,

Even do some doormen.

We also believe in the Bible

Yet not all are reliable.

We believe in the pearl of great price,

Even if do not mice.

Also, don't forget the Doctrine & Covenants

We also help the poor,

When they come knocking at our door.

We help the homeless,

Them do we bless.

We get baptized at eight

So doom be not our fate.

Sunday is our Holy day,

When we bless and pray.

Heavenly Father can help in time of need,

And very hard do not we have to plead.

This is how us Mormons do it,

And usually, we stick to it.

With a postscript of:

Shena,

I hope you always like church and stay a mormon.

Thank you so much. This really is touching, and it kind of surprised me. I forgot about the postscript. I love you.

Skiing with the Folks

So I was tired of my old posts, but can come up with nothing interesting to write about. So here are two pics of our ski/snowboard trip to Beaver. My mom is astounding and has actually found matching clothes to match her goggles. She bought white goggles with purple paint splotches, and has diligently been searching for coat, skis, pants, etc. to match. That woman is incredible. and adorable.

 My dad got new ski pants for Christmas, and while they may seem fairly simple on the outside, they're a disco party on the inside. He hasn't been skiing in years and now he wants to go every week. I love his enthusiasm.



I will put up a picture of the snowboard bag my dad bought me. He was all excited about getting us all bags for our equipment, and I just got it today. It's phenomenal.

Update

The timing belt on "my" car broke. Sound familiar? This time, given the amount of money just recently dumped into this abomination, we decided to fix it. What's amazing is the length of time it's taken to get to this point. The car sat at work for five days before I could get someone to help me tow it across the street to the shop. It was another two days before I could even get a hold of the shop to find out what was wrong. They are notoriously busy and hard to contact. Once the decision to fix was made and word given, it will be two weeks before I get my car back, hopefully.

Two weeks of the bus. I had planned before on not having a car and just taking the bus. What an absurd notion. Some peope only have the bus; they can't get around any other way. I feel very, very, very sorry for these people. It has been hideous. Missing busses and being late, spending so much extra time riding the bus and walking in the cold; on Tuesday I walked six miles to do my route at Provo because the bus was more out of the way and I didn't want to wait. And Tuesday was cold!!

On top of these frustrations, work has been a pain in the butt and I think I am ready to move on. Weird how it hit, all of a sudden. I was so content there. Too content, really. Complacent, safe, lazy, never going to leave for real. Not now. This experience has been the lead in my soul...there's an expression I'm trying to use here but failing. But you know what I mean?  I think there's no turning back and if all goes well, by spring I will be in Alaska making much more and finally leaving my safety net behind.

These last two weeks have not been the uplifting new year I was hoping to have. I've been frustrated and angry and resistant, haven't run or done yoga, or kept any other goals I set. I think its always harder to do things when you have some huge event like New Year's to motivate you. Cause then you let yourself down and it seems so much more intense.

I hope this isn't too negative. I have hope. This year is awesome and things will be great, I can feel it. Things being bad are impetus for change, and that's what I need. Change.A push.

Sidenote: I went snowboarding today with my parents, and it was fun! But I tried to branch off through some trees and had a spill that has left me with a headache. I also tried to ski on my mom's skis, just to remember, and it was fun but also somehow super exhausting. So I'm all tired and achey, but also content now watching the football game at home and relaxing, ignoring the text from Outback that they need my help this weekend, because I just don't want to deal with it. I am a quitter. (Song on its way, as soon as I can throw some ending together)

Thanks all, to whoever is reading this, I feel an overwhelming sense of love and connection with you. Isn't that weird? But there it is. My friends, I am grateful for you. Peace.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday was a memorable day. It was supposed to be amazing, according to my horoscope. The best day ever! Which is why horoscopes are bad, and lead you to believe things will happen that won't. But anyway.

Here's how I thought my day would look:

6 AM wake up. yoga for an hour
7 AM get ready for work
8 AM Get to work, do some wonderful things until
12PM when I leave work to go snowboarding
4 PM come home after a wonderful day of snowboarding
Relax the rest of the eveing and get ready for two days of long work hours

Right. So here's how my day actually went:

6 AM woke up, after a couple of snoozes, for an hour of yoga
7:30AM got ready for work, including deciding, after a debate, to bring my snowboarding gear. I was tired and sore from a run the previous day (the worst run in the history of my runs), and wondered if I felt like snowboarding. Decided I did so I packed up and headed off to work.
12PM was informed I needed to help with a discharge for about two hours, as well as finish up an inventory I was not prepared for. I began to doubt my snowboarding plans.
2 PM realized snowboarding was not in the stars, but got excited to leave around 3 and go home and relax.
4:30 PM finally left work, disgruntled and saddened to be leaving so late but looking forward to relaxing.
4:25 PM Car suddenly died on the freeway, one exit away from work in American Fork. I coasted off and landed precariously on the exit off ramp, mostly out of everyone's way.
4:35 PM realized I needed a tow, and called the towing company.
4:45 PM realized I didn't have any money with me.
5:00 PM was towed for the first time ever. Cool trucks!
5:15PM back at work, to have my dad pay over the phone for my tow since I'm lame, then grab a work truck to take home
6:15PM arrive at home, lugging my snowboard, snowboarding bag, and laudnry basket up to my door, only to find my key won't unlock the deadbolt.
6:20PM start to panic, feeling like I'm somehow at the wrong house, or there at the wrong time in history and I no longer belong to it. It seriously felt like the lock had been changed.

At this point, I began a downward spiral into frustration, sadness, and disbelief. I called my roommate, she didn't answer. I imagined all sorts of horrible things that could have happened. Got my landlords number from a neighbor and called, also to no avail.

Wandered dejectedly to my stolen outback truck to get some food, when Jess called me back to say she had had no problem with her key and she'd be home soon. Landlady called back and said no changed lock, and wait for Jess to get home. I felt hopeful.

Unfotunatley, Jess' idea of "soon:" and my idea were different. After talking to her, I crouched in despair on the sidewalk for a while, looked at the stars, walked my snowboard out to the lawn and scooted around in tennis shoes for a while, then called Jess again to see where she could possibly be.

6:50PM Jess shows up, only to find her key doesn't work either.

7:00PM landlady calls us back; she never answers her phone on the first go. We tell her the plight and she sends us to on-site managers downstairs.

They aren't home.

7:15PM she calls us back again, says she's sending someone over in 15minutes.
7:45PM we call her back, wondering what's going on, sick of sitting in the hallway. She says she's buying some lubricant and will be by shortly. I dig in to the ice cream I had brought home from work that day to put in my freezer, now quite melted after a three hour delay. But I am starving and destitute in my hallway, panicky about my car and the unknown situation with it and my lack of ability to cross a 6 inch threshold into the warmth and comfort of my house. My feet are also frozen because I was frolicking in the yard with the snowboard.

8:00PM landlady shows up, sprays the lock, tried the key, nothing. She worries and thinks they'll need to come do something more drastic. I get ready for another hour or waiting and then some sort of breakin. (By get ready, I mean I almost break into tears and take deep breaths to try and calm the rising panic)

8:05PM she sprays it some more, tried the key and yeah!!!! It worked!!! I don't understand what happened, I just know that now we are in our house. And I am exhausted. And my night is completely gone.

Today was actually no better than yesterday, but this was negative enough so I'll just leave it at that. With the added info that my car is still at Outback, no more idea what is wrong than before, I have a busy day tomorrow and people expecting me to do things I can't, and my roommate is at the moment missing. But I'm in my house, eating food, watching a movie, feeding my turtle, relaxing on my very own time to do whatever I want, and so things are good.

Sigh. Jeta shkon.

2010 in review

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?


Visited Omaha, Portland, and Yakima; bought and rode a scooter; quit grad school; saw Cloud Cult live
Did you keep your new years' resolutions?

I doubt it.
What are some of your resolutions for 2011?

Only eat sugar one day a week; have already broken that and may need to adjust to wean me down a little. But anyway, eat less and treat my body like it deserves to be treated, no more poison and gluttony.

Run a half-marathon (March) and a whole marathon (??!?!?!)

Love every day, or at least something about every day
Did anyone close to you give birth?

YES!!! So many people having babies. yeah!

Did anyone close to you die?

I don't believe I attended any funerals this year.

What countries did you visit?

mean. still just the us of a.
What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A clue

What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 15th, first time seeing Cloud Cult, an amazing night in Chicago where some of my life plans got turned upside down.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting a full time job I enjoy; buying my first vehicle, casting out old loss in the bottle and finally letting go
What was your biggest failure?

Continuing to judge and rank everything and everyone.
Did you suffer illness or injury?

Food poisoning one night, maybe a cold...nothing big.
What was the best thing you bought?

the aparment, though we're just renting it, and the scooter. oh and for sure the horse blanket for chris.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

several different conversations with unsatisfied single lds girls. and now church members in general often leave me appalled and angry, not depressed.
Where did most of your money go?

Freakin' car bomb, gas money, scooter, turtle, impulse buys, and maybe a little to hair stuff. and definitely rent.


What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Visiting Jackie, Lindsey, Wendy, and Derek; seeing Cloud Cult live, seeing smallcomb, liz having a baby, quitting Telos, riding my scooter

What song will always remind you of 2010?

Freakin' "hot then your cold" song that won't get out of my head, "Secrets" by One Republic, Regina Spektor, ... Light Chasers album

Compared to this time last year, are you: much happier, richer, nicer?

I am not richer, but more aware of my financial situation; soooo much happier, not sure about nicer. less fake nice though.
What do you wish you'd done more of?

Money saving. Friend making. Traveling. Performing.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

Making an ass of myself, caring that I made an ass of myself, or how people percieve me in general, waiting for things to happen, complaining, bad habits

How did you spend Christmas?

Relaxing with the fam, playing life, the drawing game, laughing hysterically with my family, snowboarding, sledding, cuddling with pets, watching movies, drinking (oops) and eating way too much,
Did you fall in love in 2010?

y7es, for just a little bit. but once he got married i swear, i got over it...

What was your favorite TV program?

For the short period there was a tv i got really into Modern family and, sadly, american idol. Then i bought some scrubs and office dvd's, and king of the hill, and enjoyed them thoroughly.
What was the best book you read this year?

Whale Wars certainly had the biggest impact

What did you want and get?

snowboard bindings, to live with jess in a huge place, jeans, season pass, keens, a real job, a scooter

What were your favorite films of this year?

How to Train Your Dragon!!!! Royal Tenenbaums
What were your least favorite films of this year?
why bother?
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I worked for 12 hours, froze in a snowstorm at Oakley, then got stuck in the desert. Watched how to train your dragon the next day.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

being present for all of it

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

answer remains the same from last year: wha? fashion...?

What kept you sane?

personal ponder time, the outdoors, yoga, friends, love
Who did you miss?
all my friends who left me

Who was the best new person (people) you met?
I don't know.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Find out what you believe, cause if you don't, you won't stick to it. Life is immeasurably more beautiful than some of us let it be

What are you most excited for in 2011?

i have a lot of plans, and really its planning that makes me excited. the runs i will do, getting in shape once and for all, camping, traveling, life, what have you
What are you least excited for in 2011?

having little money as i attempt to pay off debt; trying to get a real job, fear